Thank You All...

I am very, very sorry for your loss. I don't have direct experience with losing a child. I only know what I learned from my aunt - who is more like a sister - after she lost her almost 2 year old very suddenly.
She grieved her way. She got help from a psychiatrist who prescribed something mild to help her with her depression and forced herself to do some of the things that she enjoyed before losing her son. Having to watch out for her 7 year old son also helped her.
My other aunt lost her son a week before he turned 30 years old after fighting colon cancer for 6 years. This was a very different experience and she is grieving in a very different way.

From their experiences, I know that the first year or so of grieving is the most difficult and then slowly things get better.
The one thing both my aunts have in common is that they both rely heavily on their friends and family. Also, they have never avoided speaking of their sons and have asked of friends and family to not feel like they are walking on eggshells around them. The result is that when I see them, if I remember something about my cousins, we share the memory and it's part of the conversation.
I don't know the circumstances of your son's passing. I hope these stories help you and know that this is a huge pain that takes time to transform into less painful memories. It is not a pain that heals and goes away. It just slowly becomes something that is easier to bear. Let yourself feel the pain whenever you need to, don't just hold it in or try to set it aside.
I come from a big family and went through about 5 years when I lost someone close each year.

Have courage. Take care of yourself. Find someone to talk to.
A.

Hi C.,
I have lost a child, in fact 2 (twins). It was at birth and our circumstances are very different but the grief is the same. What crushes a parent the most is going through your hopes and dreams that you had for your child. It is true when we say that parents live their lives through their children.

Time has eased my pain. It is still there and my husband and I have created our own way to reflect upon this loss. Each year on their birthday we decorate our Christmas tree, adding a special ornament at the top for them. You too will find something that gives you solace.

Support groups are wonderful. I found a few online that really helped me. I liked the fact that no one could see me while I cried my eyes out.

You will find that your family and friends will avoid the topic and that will hurt a lot also, becuase all you want to do is say his name over and over out loud.

I am the bereavement support coordinator for my twins group here in MetroWest and I have the names of some local support groups if you would like them. Please drop me a note.

Sincerely,
D.

Our local Hospice has wonderful bereavement services.They have frequent meetings for parents who have lost a child.
Check to see if there is a Hospice in your area

Dear C., I am so sorry for your loss. I have not lost a child but have lost my mother and 2 sisters. Time was about the only thing that helped me. Each day was a little different than the one before.
Try the link here they are a grief loss support site for parents who have lost a child. They have been around a while. I've found helpful things here.

http://www.compassionatefriends.org/

Dear C.,
My heart goes out to you. I wanted to send you the link to an EFT(emotional freedom technique) practitioner's website. Her name is Jan Luther and she does work over the phone. (www.janluther.com) The reason I thought she would be particularly helpful for you is that she lost her teen-age son 2 years ago. I have met Jan at an EFT Master class and cannot say enough what a lovely and gifted person she is. EFT will not erase what happened, but what it can do more effectively than anything I have ever witnessed, is ease and shift the pain enough to be able to feel the love and wonder of your son and his memory. My sincerest condolences.
Stephanie Slater,D.Ay., EFT-ADV

Dear C.,
my brother died tragically 8/28/01 at the age of 27; when I was 31. He accidentally fell from the 17th floor of a hotel in Miami Beach where he was assistant manager. Right before 9/11.

Our family has never been the same, and my Father and Mother will never truly get over it. I still think I will hear from him and it will all have been a mistake. But time does allow us to talk about him more; and that is helpful. At first it was too painful; but now we can all laugh at precious memories, instead of crying inconsolably over things you didn't say and things you wished you hadn't said.

For what it is worth - there are a couple of books you might benefit from: Living When a Loved One Has Has Died and Lament for a Son. It is not a consolation, but it is important to know that the enemy death touches us all.

A friend in Standish -K.

Hi, i have not been through this..but my Aunt lost her only son two years ago. He commited suicide, which has added to the hurt, so many questions and guilt left behind. She has joined a support group called "Circle of Friends"...you can probably google them or i can get you the info..she has found it very helpful. It has been so hard on her...i can't imagine the pain you are going through. My prayers are with you.
M.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss I can not even begin to imagine what you are feeling. A cousin of mine lost her daughter last year and has said the only thing that has helped her is a support group of women who also lost thier children. She is in the Worcester area and if you are tooI can try to get the information for you.

Hi C., I have not lost a child, but I wanted to share a couple of things. First, my deepest sympathy to you and your extended family.

I am 43. My mom died 10 years ago. My mother was an only child and she predeceased her parents, my maternal grandparents. I know it was the greatest sadness for them to bear when they lost her. (For me too..She was an amazing mother and an amazing person.)
For my grandfather the grief was too much to bear...His emotional and physical health declined steadily until he passed away 3 years ago also. He wouldn't listen to music, wouldn't listen to talk about her at all...couldn't deal with it. I understand people grieve differently, but I think it must help and be healthy to honor the person who died with somehow continuing on in life..sharing stories about him, proudly displaying his pictures, and listening to music or reading or writing or walking...or whatever might make you feel better.

I read a few books that have been inspirational to me in my own grief and traumas (losing my mother to brain cancer, my own separation and divorce, loss of other family members, betrayal of best friend, financial ruin...I have had many many
challenges in my adult life! I am still trying to make lemondade from the lemons that life keeps handing me!!! But the death of your child has to be one of the most serious, difficult trials. I do want to recommend some amazing books which have helped me. (I am an educator and a life coach and mention these books often in my work.)

1. The Gift of Hope
2. To Begin Again - Levy
3. I Will Not Die an Unlived Life - Dawn Markova (inspired me to start a Life Coaching business, and helped me see that the "stories" (parts) of our lives can be those that move us forward, those experiences that make us see the journey as important, and that not let us get "stuck" forever in a negative pattern or mindset. Those are "river stories". I have named my business after that concept. The other type of stories in our lives are "rut stories"...just what it sounds like...experiences that we get mired in, "stuck" in and that we don't use for personal growth.
Finally, I'd like to recommend Robert Schuller's (Shuller's?)
Why Bad Things Happen To Good People...and don't give up on it after a few chapters...Each chapter does dismiss some things people tell us, after a loss, as "cliche" and not helpful...but if you read to the latter parts of the book, you'll see he does have a theory about why bad things happen and even to good people...

I don't know the circumstances of your son's death..if it was an illness, accident, or suicide..but have you thought of a way you could honor his life? I'd be happy to brainstorm with you if you want to correspond a bit..My email is ____@____.com Peace to you, M.

Dearest C.,
I have children the ages of your son and my heart goes out to you. My second son was very ill and I watched him suffer through many surgeries for the first five years of his life. Because of that and I'm sure other baggage in my psyche I fear loss more than anything else. I truly believe in life after the soul releases the physical body, but even believing that to my core doesn't make the thought of loss any easier. I had a miscarriage which was difficult enough and I think about that often. People say time heals everything but I'm not so sure if "heals" is the correct word. Maybe time helps us to cope with difficult issues and that's the best we can do. I'm not sure. My advice to you is to talk to your son often (many people believe the souls on the other side hear us), allow yourself to feel all the feelings you are experiencing. People have to walk through the darkness to get to the light. I will pray for you and your son, G.

Hi C.,

I didn't lose a child, but I did lose a brother I was very close too. I was born on his birthday 3 years after his birth. To this day, I still think about him. Most what I try to do, especially on our birthday is think about the good things we did, the things he did, which could be pretty entertaining sometimes and then I remember he is an angel in heaven watching out for me and our other siblings.

What I did after his death was to indulge myself in things that kept me busy, so I wouldn't constantly have him on my mind. Do some volunteer work or get into a new activity, maybe something you have always wanted to do.

If you haven't had any grief counseling, you may want to try that to. If you go to church, try talking to your minister.

C., my deepest sympathies to you.

I too have not lost a child, but was widowed at the age of 38. It has been a tough 6 yrs learning to survive without him.

Someone mentioned groups for parents who have lost children. If you have not attended one of these groups, they are very helpful I am told. We did a group for a year called The SouthShore Circle. We had many widows and widowers, and parents who'd lost children.

I'm sorry you have to face this first year anniversary. Please know it get easier to hold and that the days leading up to the anniversary or holidays are often the hardest. Be gentle and kind to yourself during these days. I found journaling helped. You won't see this now, but one day you will smile more and cry less at memories.... everyone is different in how long that takes so don't ever compare yourself to someone else who is grieving. It may take you longer or less time.

Another thing that has helped me is having a good grief counselor. Find someone who specializes in grief.

Honor your son's memory. If you can set up a scholarship to be awarded to someone who shares in an interest your son had...maybe sports, robotics or academic. I light a candle up at his grave.
Things we did to help...
carved a pumpkin and had it lit at his grave for halloween
light candles and each say something we remembered about him
a special candle wreath ceremony at Christmas (google candle wreath ceremony)
wrote love notes and sent them on the tails of balloons up to the heavens
Talked to him
chose a star (Orion's left 'foot') and when really troubled talked to that star
wrote..journaling, poetry, songs
walked and walked and walked
went to some of his favorite places and just remembered how much fun we had with him there.
went to counseling
went to group

and the list can go on.... basically do what feels right to you and your heart.

((((hugs))))
L.

First let me say I am sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the grief you are feeling. I don't even want to think of it. I know it is a normal part of life but losing anyone and especially children is very hard to bear.It is normal to grieve for at least a year after losing a loved one. I have a suggestion which might make accepting it easier. Raymond A. Moody Jr. has written many books on life after death. "Life After Life" was the first one I read. He followed it with, I believe it was called "A Return To Life After Death". A book store would be able to look it up for you. It is filled with stories of people who have died and been brought back. They tell of the wonderful place we go after we go home. Perhaps if you know that your son is happy and safe and feeling no pain or unhappiness and is with other family members it will help you to cope. Their are also groups for parents who have lost thier children where you can share your grief with other parents. God be with you in your hour of need. God bless, D.

Dear C....My sincerest condolonces.We came close when our daughter had leukemia but were one of the lucky ones. We did however, meet many who like yourself, lost their child. I also have a friend who lost her 8yr old daughter last year after she had just helped launch a Brownie Troup for special needs kids, as both our daughters were born with special needs as well. She's continued to be one of the co-leaders of the troup as she has a younger daughter in a second Brownie Troup that she still runs.She has continued to be supportive of our kids and as a nurse and a mom, I'm grateful to have her remain in my daughter's life. I also have a friend who's 18 yr old son is losing his battle quickly to cancer. It's been difficult for them. She too, is in her 50's and this is their only child. I spoke to her the other day and they were headed to Disney for an all too brief week. My husband has kept in touch with two friends who both lost kids to cancer. They get together on Friday eves for a cigar. I'd like to think it's helped them all. I encourage you to reach out to family, friends and stay involved in whatever brought you joy before your loss. Consider planting a tree in your yard in his memory or starting a scholarship in his name. I don't know if he had a favorite sport or hobby but you could volunteer time to help kids with the same interests he had.
It's a road that should not be traveled by any parent. My oldest son lost a friend to suicide last year. He and a group of classmates participated in a walk to raise funds for education re: suicide and he also particpates in a high school suicide prevention group. He wears the name of my friend's son, the one with cancer, on his wrestling headgear. You may find keeping in touch with your son's friends helps as they too feel a loss. Sadly we seem to be losing more young people than we should and hopefully we can all support each other through what is without a doubt, the most painful of all experiences.
Your in my prayers,
J.
About me...49yr old part time nurse, mother of three, one with down syndrome.

Hi C. My thoughts are with you as I have two close friends who have lost children and it is a hard long road but try to remember to rely on your close friends and memories to get you through. As someone who has watched friends go through the grieving process and along with my own grieving for the loved one you will get through it but it takes time. B.

Dear C.,
Of course you are still grieving. I'm so sorry about your loss. Though I have not lost a child, I have a very tight knit group of friends who have been together from the births of our children. That makes us kin in our terms..the family we chose, not the one we were born into. Three years ago, one of our kids died of an aneurysm while on a retreat for her confirmation. Such a tragedy, such an unexpected loss. Her parents are still moving through the grieving process as we all try our best to carry them when they need us. They became involved with a place in Boston called The Children's Room. (I think it's in Boston, anyway). They have found this to be a place where they find comfort being with others who have traveled the road of grief you are on. Maybe you can look it up if you are in the Boston area. I pray you find peace.
K.

Dearest C.:

No one can truly walk beside you through the deepest level of grief you will feel as a parent.

The human cycle of life does not happen in one year's time; therefore you should give yourself permission to take as long as you need to go through the cycle of grief.

Although my two losses were during the pregnancies and before my cherubs had even emerged from their wombs, it has been 16 years since my first miscarriage and I still go through some personal grief and reflections each year ( on the anniversary of the baby's death and around the date of their anticipated birthday ).

My daughter, husband & I each dealt with these losses in our own ways, but we did decide as a family to offer a memorial Mass annually at our church, as well as make a donation in that child's name each year to a charity that does good work for people that are less fortunate. In that way my two children are remembered and thought about in a very loving and positive way.

I can offer you my condolences, encourage you to live and celebrate each & every memory of your son's 19 years and think of away to keep his memory alive, so that his life will not be forgotten. ( Setting up a scholarship in his name? Sponsoring a child to go to summer camp? Buying & donating a book for your local school or town library with his name on the inside cover ? )

Talking about your feelings and doing something that allows you to grieve are also helpful. Do not repress or ignore the raging pain that courses through your body.
Peace.
D. from NH