What Do I Tell My Girls?

Don't tell them the bad stuff. Let them discover it on their own later. I would tell them that the relationship between the two adults is hard for kids to understand. That you both love THEM and it will never change, but you are not good with each other.

I was younger than your daughter when our parents told us they were getting a divorce.. i was actually the one that told them.. They said we need to tell you something.. And I said, I already know.. You are getting a divorce.. They were shocked.. They asked how did you know? I told them, because you do not love each other any more.. They both burst into tears.

Children know a lot more about what is going on than they let on.

If you and your husband disagreed, argued, or were not affectionate.. Your kids see this..

All you need to tell her is that you are not the same people as you were when you first married. You still love the children and are so thankful you did marry their father, because without him.. you would not have your girls. But as you have grown as a woman, there are things that you now realize you need and things you will not tolerate. These are different from when you first married and were young and inexperienced.

Tell them you want to set a good example to them as to what a strong woman is. You want them to know you want them to be respected and to be honored by the man in their lives. .

Then allow them to ask you any questions they may have. Let them know you all want to be open with each other and if they have any concerns or questions to please ask.. The answers should be simple.

DO NOT speak for your husband.. Let him deal with their questions on his own..

It took me until I had been married a year to realize `, why marriage is so hard. I also began to realize that our lives shape us. I had a version of my parents marriage. My mom had her version, my father had his and my younger sister had a totally different memory.. Stir it all together and there is the truth..

What helped me was that my mom was honest with us whenever we asked her a question. she still is like this with us.

If he is verbally abusive, then obviously the girls have noticed. Other than that, I don't think it is appropriate to share the details of the divorce. I would not tell them that you have grown apart if that is not the truth. Details of your sex life are inappropriate to share with your children. It is okay for children to know that marriage is an adult relationship, a private relationship between the two people and that you won't discuss this private, grownup relationship with them.

I don't think I'd tell a child that her father was verbally abusive if she has not witnessed it herself. That's giving an adult problem to a child. The most I would tell her would be that the reason you are getting divorced is that you grew apart, do not think your husband treats you kindly and do not want to be married to someone who treats you poorly. That softens it to make it about your relationship with him vs him having a character flaw in general. She's a child, and her DNA is 50% from him. If she thinks HE has a character flaw, she will likely think that means that she also has a character flaw. Don't make your girls carry that burden.

I believe there are some good books for little kids about divorce, so there have to be some for older kids. At our school there is a "banana split" club where kids of parents who are divorced or divorcing can meet with others and the counselor to talk about it. I would just be honest - if he is verbally abusive and they are 11 and 9 they already know this. Why sugar coat the issue? I would also change counselors if he thinks you can not tell the kids anything.

I agree with the person who posted that your therapist is an idiot.

You must tell them something. And it should be well thought out and not off the cuff.

Please -- don't wait for a new therapist. Find a family counselor for a one-time session just for you, or some other form of counselor who can better advise you on how to talk to your children. It may be that you and the girls will need some family counseling together as you go through this and for a time beyond the divorce. Your kids are at very sensitive ages when they know perfectly well what divorce is, and feel they are owed answers -- because they ARE owed some answers. Also, if you fear that your ex will tell his own version of things once you are apart, when he visits with the girls, prepare now by being open with them and helping them all you can. I really advise getting another professional invovled, one who has experience in this field. Your therapist obviously does not.

Also, the girls' school counselor(s) should know you are on the way to a divorce and should be keeping an eye on your kids at school so they can let you know of any issues, acting out, tearfulness, etc.

Don't be deceived by the younger girl's lack of questions and seeming to "take it well." All this is likely percolating in her mind and she is just afraid to ask you about it like her sister's doing.

Saying you "grew apart" means zero to kids and will confuse them: On some level they may even feel, "Will I 'grow apart' from dad and mom too? Does that happen between parents and children?". Please find some script, with a counselor's help, to give your girls more facts but keep things away from blame or anger with your soon-to-be ex.

Maybe she is asking questions because she is very confused. Your husband is still there and sleeping in your room. Most of the time when parents announce a pending divorce they separate. In her mind you are still together. It's kind of like taking the band aid off very slowly instead of just ripping it off. By prolonging it, not only are you allowing her to get her hopes up about staying together, but she is under the constant stress of why is this happening. Add to that the little tidbits that dad keeps throwing at her and from previous posts that she has already got some problems. Is she a daddy's girl? Because that will make it harder for you right now.

My suggestion is to get a lawyer and a custody agreement and stop the "divorcing slowly" thing and just do it right. Set a good example for your daughters, no matter how low he goes, do not bad mouth him. You can set the record straight, but don't sink to his level. There is no need to alienate them from their father and they will eventually see him for who he is.

Listen to your therapist.
Your marriage may be over, and it might make you feel momentarily better to give your kids your version of why.
There's a saying in my family that speaking badly sbout your spouse to others is just about the worst thing you can do. It makes you both look bad.
Children are people too. Same thing applies.
They don't need to know the personal details, just the facts about how this will change their lives.
My mother never said a bad word about our dad--and he was a DOOZY--she could have said a LOT!
At 48, I know why and I know it was harder for her than just griping about him, but she did the right thing. Not to be confused with the easy thing.
Good luck!

(Not uncommon for an abuser to try to make you think it's your fault--I'm sure you're not the abuser.)

If they have witnessed him being verbally abusive to your or experienced it themselves, they should be told it is never appropriate to treat a family member that way. Why should you teach your girls that it was OK for him to do that and your are just splitting up because you grew apart?? Why should you -by saying nothing- encourage them to date/ marry someone verbally abusive??

How about "sometimes mommies and daddies can't be together. We love you and your sister very much and that will never change. You don't need to bad mouth your husband. Your girls will figure it out soon that he is a jerk.

You need to be completely honest with your therapist. No matter how embarassing it is, you have to talk about it.

One thing from me--Don't assume that your younger daughter is "taking all this in a little better" than your older daughter. She's is just processing differently and not asking outright. Don't give her less attention just because it might look like she doesn't need it.

I know that you haven't shared the details, and that's all fine. We don't need to know. I just wonder--from what you share here--if you are clear on why you are divorcing. For example, maybe you feel a little guilty about it seeming like you are divorcing him because you don't like how he talks to you. No one will understand your marriage like you...your reasons for staying and reasons for going.... Not even a therapist. The most that a therapist can and should do is to help you make sense of your options and use your tools to live YOUR best life. Realize that, based on the very nature of this life-changing decision, you will not necessarily always feel secure in this decision. I think that your girls might be old enough to hear from you that it's been a really tough decision to make and follow through on but you know (?) tha tyou are making the right decision for now and that they will not understand every aspect of it. You absolutely do owe them some detailed explanation for why their family is broken, but it's okay to tell them that they will not always be privy to certain marital details, nor will they always fully understand what they are told, but that you will do your best to answer whatever questions they bring to you. As they get older, some of your answers may change. I think that that is totally appropriate. They won't stop having questions just because things become final. Their questions will continue and change as their understandings of life change. Do not become impatient with them. Even when they are wives and mothers themselves, they may still have questions about what ever happened to their family.

If they are not in counseling, please do that. They won't necessarily have the language to discuss this with you, but they will still need to process what is happening. A therapist who can address this from their perspective can help you to help them.

I am sorry you and your girls are in the middle of such a painful and confusing situation. I applaud you for getting professional help. Your question about how much to tell the girls is an important one. Unfortunately it is not a clear cut situation. Try and balance being truthful yet not blaming or criticizing their dad. Those two things can feel contradictory. I think a good rule of thumb is "less is more" and to see this as an ongoing dialogue that you can add to as time passes. When I think of ways to be honest without blaming I think of something like, "Daddy and I have different ideas on how to handle anger." vs. " Daddy has anger issues." Be truthful but let them connect the dots best you can. Also, please find a way to open up with a therapist about the full extent of your pain. Sounds like there is a pattern of shame and silence in your marriage. Time to break that pattern and find your voice! Blessings to you!

I would try 'mommy and daddy don't love each other any more so we are getting a divorce - we will no longer be married. We both love you very much and that will not change'. I see no reason that they need to know anything at all about their parents' sex life. I think that children in a divorce want to know how it will affect them and are empathetic to both parents. They also need to know that none of it is their fault.