What Do I Need. - Garfield,WA

You are going to get screwed without a lawyer. You'll end up paying HIM child support and he will get to take the tax deduction for her too. You had BETTER get a lawyer somehow.

You do need a lawyer.
Call a local women's shelter and ask for recommendations of lawyers that will work on a sliding scale for low-income women.

You need to come up with your plan and the judge will decide what is best--based on a combination of the two.

Father's Day is always the 3rd Sunday in June, so according to his plan he'll have her anyway. She should be out of school by then.

Some months have 5 weekends, so he would get 4 and you'd get 1? Not fair.

Every winter break? Doe that include every Christmas? Not fair.

What about spring break?

How old is she? The 'going to dads' every weekend is going to get old once she has friends that want to hang out on the weekend. Also, when/if she starts playing sports, many games are on weekends. (Our son plays soccer--practice Thurs and games Saturday).

What about snow days/school cancellation and teacher work days? You shouldn't always have to take off from work because he's so far away.

Have you already worked out who pays for sports, school fees (pictures, field trips, year book), braces, etc?

J., I'm going to give you some very good advice for FREE. It cost my husband and I more than 5 years and 50k in court with his ex. Here's what we learned the hard way:

Your parenting plan MUST be very specific and not "general" like you stated. It must state TIMES your child is with each parent. You list out all the holidays and then say that father gets child xmas day every even year, mother gets child xmas eve every even year". A blanket statement saying something like: All holidays are from 8am - 6pm unless previously agreed by each parent in writing. A blanket statement also saying something like "receiving parent is to pick up child at other parents home, unless previously agreed by each parent in writing." If you want to meet 1/2 way, then say that specifically, the address and time. Also, for school breaks such as spring and fall break, split it in half. Each parent will have child for 1/2 of break, exchanging child Wednesday at noon, for breaks that are 1 week, or Friday at 4pm if it's 2 weeks. You get the point. That way, when you have the TIME for start and end, there is no gray area to dispute. My husbands ex one year out of the blue decided that "Easter" meant it started Friday morning (no school) and ended Monday morning when school started. REALLY? So she kept his daughter for the entire weekend and we didn't have her at all and he responded that from then on that's the way it will be EVERY year. So sure enough, no we get her the entire Easter weekend on his years because we have the email that states that. So you don't want to run into this bs. Every single detail needs to be included. Also, if there is an activity that is during the parents time, it states that that parent is to take the child to that activity, like swim lessons, friends bday parties, school games and dances, etc. Also make sure the parenting plan says that each of you will get a 2 week vacation uninterrupted with the child each year. And a statement that says that if something cannot be mutually agreed on, then the father has final say in even years, mom final say in odd years.

Stop talking and start emailing EVERYTHING so you have it for documentation. That way it isn't so much your word against his, you will have PROOF of what he said.

The most important thing is that your child needs to have a consistent schedule that is never in question. She needs to know what to expect and so do both of you. You don't need an attorney to do this. Draft up a VERY detailed parenting plan and have copies for your ex, his attorney, the court and judge.

Unless your ex can PROVE you are a horrible mom, it's likely you will have your child full time with him having less time. Who is with your child when she is out of school? Is she in daycare or something while both of you work? That is something to consider also. If she is in a daycare in the summer by your house, then having her one week on, one week off wouldn't work if he's an hour away and would have to get her to daycare during his week. So you have to figure out something reasonable for summers.

It isn't easy but the biggest thing is you want to ALWAYS talk about what is in the "best interest" for your child, not either of you. Good luck.

I think he is asking for way too much time. I know when I was a single mom, I sure didn't count weekdays as *fun* time. Weekends are fun time, and he want's almost all the weekends.

Majority of dads ask for this type of schedule in the middle of a divorce. Judges see this all the time. Be fair but don't give up all the fun time with your daughter.

Also, your daughter needs to be showering herself.

Another thing to ask for is phone calls, at least one a day. Use that time to remind her to shower.

Q: anyways what do you moms suggest that i bring to our court date friday?
A: A lawyer. Particularly if he has one.

What you need to bring to court is a lawyer. You can't afford to not have one. Ask family and friends to help you pay for it, call local services to see if there are any sliding-scale options, but a lawyer is a NEED and you will regret it if you don't get one.

DO NOT sign anything without having a lawyer go over it.

It sounds like he is trying to figure out 50/50 in a way that doesn't disrupt the child too much. That is a good thing.

She is seven, she can clean her own little parts.

You don't want to fight over something as stupid as meeting half way. Regardless of how you do it she will be on the road for the same amount of time, actually longer with your halfway thing because of transferring cars. You will drive the same amount, it is a pointless argument, let it go. Besides then you don't have to drive as often.

If you are given the school weekdayss he will get an equal time over the summer. Go through the school year, I honestly don't know how many weeks it is. He would get five school days for every two weeks. Divide the time by two weeks then multiply by five. See how many days need to be offset. Oh and if he is getting her every weekend so make that multiply by three. If this number is lower than what he is asking in summer time and holidays you have a point to negotiate. If that number is higher he will get his summers and such. I really think the number will be lower because generally the whole summer thing is for parents who have no custody during the school year.

What you are going for is over a two year period you each get 365 days. Give or take a few, really, it isn't worth fighting over a day or two.

If you can keep your concerns to reasonable concerns. No silly emotional appeals like her little parts. You will be able to get things worked out quickly.

Oh and my ex can be a total jerk, don't care for him, but even I wouldn't use the last day of school as an excuse for father's day. I would just tell the school Friday is her last day. It isn't like anything but cleaning out cubbies or lockers happen on the last day.

I completely disagree with the comment that you shouldn't deal with canceled school when you have custody. Yes you should, not worth even addressing. When you have custody you are responsible for expenses. After school care will be a wash to any day care he has to pay during the summer.

Be reasonable and this is easy. My ex was not reasonable so it drug on and on and on...

Hey! I was talking about the first answer where she said you shouldn't. It had nothing to do with anything you said. I was just saying ignore that bit of her advice. Things like that are a good way to get into a battle of wills and totally unnecessary.

At 7 she should be more then capable of washing herself, so that is a non-issue. Of course he should get the whole summer, minus the weekends mentions, since you get her the entire school year minus those same weekends. He wants to be a part of her life as much as he can, and since he is farther away he knows you can not do legit 50/50 (one week with each parent, which would be the ideal). I honestly don't see anything wrong with what he is asking for, and I hope he gets a judge that is sensitive to father's rights since they do often get ignored.

You need to stay fully focused on what is best for the child, and having her father still be a large part of it is what is best. It gives her a chance to bond with him, and to know that she is wanted and loved by him.

As for the driving, usually it is the one taking custody that does the driving, so that seems normal. It would be the same amount of driving whether you have to make the whole trip once or make half the trip twice, plus there will be no issues with one parent getting to the meeting spot and having to wait because of traffic or unforeseen issues.

All in all I think she is lucky to have a father that really wants to try to find a way to spend quality time with her even though he has to live a little further away then is ideal.

I can fully understand not wanting him to have every Christmas though, so maybe you could work out a switch where one year he gets winter break and the following year you get it and he gets spring break.

Ya know, I actually applaud any man who requests this much time with his child. Two weekends a month does not equal an involved parent. And switching for school breaks, especially summer, makes a lot of sense. I know plenty of moms who claim the fathers do not care for the child properly, even though they may never give him the chance to even try. And your daughter should be old enough to do most of her own self care. As for holidays, a day on the calendar does not need to determine your own plans. If it were me I would just let him have what he is asking for. Your daughter deserves to have two full-time parents. Or as close to that as possible.

Just a couple of things to consider -- perhaps you can alternate Winter Break or find another way to split up the Christmas Holidays. You also need to think about Spring Break - that could be switched out every year too. Another thought would be to ask for one week plus one weekend over the summer so that you can enjoy a vacation with your daughter. Are there monthly or weekly activities that your daughter participates in? (there will be as she gets older) How are you going to handle things like soccer practice and games, orthodontic appts, etc. Was this schedule put together so you are sharing parenting duties and he has time with his daughter or was it devised to limit child support payments?
Also at age 7, you could work with her to improve her hygiene by helping her follow a checklist that she could also do at her dads. Good luck!

You need a lawyer. Do you think he is trying to work toward a 50/50 agreement so he can pay less child support? It is a common strategy these days. And then the parent ends up not even spending that time with the child.

Even if you don't have money to hire an attorney to represent you, you can always hire an attorney to consult you on how to fill out your paperwork and how best to strategize your joint parenting agreement. Don't sign away any of your parental rights without a fight. His requests are unreasonable, they are unfair to you, and they are not in the best interests of your daughter. If he has an attorney, you should too. It might cost you $1,000 but it's better than losing time with your daughter. Good luck!

ETA: I think what you have proposed sounds very reasonable. Hopefully, the judge will agree. Please keep us posted. Sending good thoughts your way!

I understand you getting her during the week while school is in sessions it's the only way. Therefore it's only fair he get her on the weekends. School breaks should be alternated, as well as time on her birthday and holidays. Mothers Day with you, even if it's on "his" weekend and Fathers Day with him. Summer should be split equally.

i don't like his parenting plan at all. i'll bet the judge won't either.
i'm so glad you left him, J..
your plan makes much more sense. just go to court and don't even acknowledge his (although if asked, be honest. no need to pretend you didn't, signature or not.) simply say that your plan makes more sense, and give details as to why when the judge asks you.
praying and sending you strength. please let us know how it goes.
khairete
S.

I just want to caution you about a "generic" agreement. If you use phrases like "reasonable times/reasonable notice" etc., that is ambiguous and you are in for problems. What's "reasonable" to one person may not be so "reasonable" to another. In order to save you time, money and stress, you need to be as specific and detailed in your parenting plan as possible.

BTW, his does sound "reasonable" to me.

His plan actually doesn't sound unreasonable. It's similar to what my husband had when we didn't have custody of his daughter. Four days a month is not enough time for your child to spend with her father. What we did was that every other weekend was a Friday-Sunday overnight, one weekend we didn't see her at all, and one weekend we had her from 9 AM to 5 PM on Sunday. In reality, we did tend to have her for overnights for 3 weekends out of 4 but both sides were flexible.

As Osohapi mentioned, you need to get very specific with times and place, e.g. he will pick her up at 6 PM on Friday evening from your home and you will pick her up at 5 PM on Sunday at his home for weekend visits.

The summer break request isn't unreasonable, so I would try to meet him halfway there. What are you going to do about summer childcare anyway? Perhaps you could come up with a plan where you alternate weeks this summer and then see if she can stay with him for a longer stretch of time next summer. Yes it stinks that under his schedule you would only see your child 3 weekends a month for the summer but that's what you expect him to do for the entire school year so...doesn't seem right, does it? And he can be responsible for taking her to swim lesson or summer camp or whatever just like you would do.

If you really can't get a lawyer, which would be the best course of action, at the very least, get very specific in your proposed agreement. If his agreement was drafted by an attorney, mirror that language in your proposal.

I would think that the question about how either one of you will work and provide adequate care for your child during the summer and school vacations is a valid one. What's your plan for those times?

I think I am late in responding, and that you already had your court date. My heart breaks for you, and I hope the parenting plan turned out to be fair.

The purpose for my post is this - I think you need to find another job that pays more than 7.55 an hour. I don't know how you can afford to pay rent. Here is my suggestion. I assume you do not have parents who live locally to you with whom you can live (rent free)? If that is not an option, I think you should find a live-in nanny position. This way, you will live rent free, and will make more than 7.55 an hour (and it will be cash - no taxes involved). Another suggestion - get some sort of a quick certification, such as a CNA (certified nurse assistant). That can be done in 1-3 months. If you become a CNA, maybe you can afford rent with a roommate? Best of luck to you!