My Ex Has Not Taken His Kids on His Scheduled Weekends in over a Year.

Some men are simply horrible fathers. Nothing can be done about it. Get the kids involved in organizations such as Big Brothers and Sisters so they can have a mentor. Get them into sports or the arts so they are kept busy.
Never promise they will see daddy. If he messages he is coming great - if he doesn't show go to plan B, take them to a park or swimming or other fun thing.
My cousin did this to his kids. He never paid child support never visited he was an A$$ - he died a few years and his kids were like who cares -- he was never around for us so why should we care now.
We reap what we sow....

My kids were 7 and 4 when I got divorced. The first year my ex saw them for a Saturday afternoon when he took them to McDonald's maybe every 6-8 weeks. Sometimes longer. So I took him to court to enforce his visitation. He was to see them every other weekend and alternating holidays.

My kids are now 16 and 13 and they HATE going to their dads. I've been remarried for 6 years and they have consistently gone to their dads since the day we met in court.

I wish I hadn't gone to enforce it and just let him see them as he wished, assuming it wasn't very often. Because now they don't want to see him every other weekend but he has a LEGAL right to them so unless I go back to court to change it, which I am, then he can see them.

If I were you I would leave it be. You don't say how old your kids are but I would just tell them that daddy can see them when he can and let him have them. That way when they get old enough to decide, you will have a pattern of him rarely seeing them. If he ever tries to file something on his own to see them more, you will have it documented (MAKE SURE YOU DO THIS) the days that he actually saw them. Start to use email for everything so you have it documented. JMO. Good luck.

I know folks are saying take him to court, but really the only reason to do that is if he's getting a break on child support or his taxes for having the kids over the weekends. Other than that, there is nothing the court can do other than look at him with contempt. They can't physically make him come pick up the children. You can't force anyone to do anything. I suggest that what you need to do is to get used to the idea that their father is choosing not to be involved in their lives and move on from there, giving him no more thought.

You mention that it is scheduled which leads me to think that it was a court order. If so, is there a reason you have not contacted the court concerning the lack of scheduled visits?

What a terrible thing for your children, to not have a father they can depend on.

He doesn't get to announce to you when he wants to see them. And you don't have to comply with his demands. There's a schedule, and if he wants to revise it, his lawyer can contact your lawyer.

I'd talk to the lawyer about a modification of the existing visitation order since it's not being followed. And I'd stop "mentioning" anything to a man who doesn't see his children.

You have not given enough information to be able to give an answer. Is there a reason that Dad can't take them for the weekend? Have you has a discussion
with him about this or did you just mention it? I suggest that you ask him to make a schedule so the kids will feel more secure. It's important for kids to have consistency. And a schedule will help you plan better. The schedule doesn't have to be every other weekend. Is there a reason for him to have them on weekends, aside from the court order?

The goal of parenting time is to help father and children have a good relationship. I hope you're not complaining to the kids or anywhere the kids can hear you. This is very important. They are a part of their father. When we complain we reduce children's sense of belonging. We influence their attitudes towards themselves and others. The children feel less secure. It's important that they know their father loves them. Whether he visits or not is not an indication of love.

If you and your ex aren't able to work together, I urge you to get counseling for yourself to learn how to make getting along more likely.

I don't understand why going to court would be helpful. The judge cannot force him to visit. You could change the times he's to visit. I suggest he will have to agree to the change. No court is going to remove parenting/visiting time entirely. I suggest that going to court will not help in getting him to visit and is time consuming, a hassle and expensive.

Find a way for the two of you to communicate in a respectful way. Whatever agreement the two of you make together will be accepted by the court.

If your goal is to stop contact, there is no way to do that unless he's not visited for a lengthy bit of time (over a year or more)or you can prove he's unfit. Without those 2 issues, it's important for your children to see their father even if it's sporadically.

I am not divorced, but from what I have heard and reading below, it might be better they are not forced to be with a man who chooses to do other things with his time.

He sounds like a grandparent not a parent by choosing when and how long to spend time with the kids. Very pathetic.

I would start documenting if you plan to go to court in the future.

If his picks dates that are not part of the schedule and they are inconvenient for you or either child's schedule I would tell him "No, they are not available. They will be available for your scheduled days."

If his family comes to town from NJ and it is not part of the schedule, I feel this is different. The child shouldn't miss out on family events because of the divorce. I've seen other say, "no it is not your turn to have the kids." Their grandparents from across the country should not have to planned around the court ordered schedule.

I'm probably missing something here. I guess what happens is that he calls you up and says he's free this Saturday and he hasn't seen the kids for a few weeks and could he take the kids for a few hours. If you don't have other plans, why on earth would you not say yes? Your kids haven't seen their father, and he's asking to see them? For their sake, let him see them! Who cares whether it's his weekend or not. Children need their father.

If he's asking for dates that are too busy and you already have things going on, that's one thing. But please don't say no just because it wasn't the court ordered schedule.

This is all about the kids. If the kids don't know dad is supposed to come. They can't be disappointed if he doesn't show up. You shouldn't try to make him do something he doesn't want to do. For whatever the reason he isn't seeing his kids. Never speak bad of him to the kids. If they ask about him, don't lie and don't let your disappointment in him wash off on the kids. They need to formulate their own opinions and decisions about their dad. It tough watching them hurt but be the best mom you can be and that would include letting their dad be who he is without judgment from you because they get part of their identity from him.

you've 'mentioned' it to him?
what you do next is speak to your attorney. that is, if it bothers you or the kids. maybe the kids like it that way.
you don't have to let him have them at any time other than his scheduled weekends. just say no to that.
khairete
S.

According to my own divorce agreement, my ex, my thee kids' father is supposed to take them every other weekend, from Friday after school to Sunday dinner time. Since our divorce was final in 2009 the number of times he has actually done so is....well never.

And frankly, I think we're all the better for it.

He did/does take them to lunch now and again. And everyone (especially the kids) is okay with that.

If you are not okay with it, first say so to him. Then, if no change is made and you still really want that, you certainly can take legal action against him, through the court of wherever you live now. If that is what you really want.

:)

Why not be flexible? If he's not taking them away from dance or sports or something important. He's their father, not a best friend wanting to hang with a BFF. He is their father. If he lives nearby and he's half way a good dad when he has them then I'd tell him here's their schedule. You can attend and participate in every activity. You can also let me know if you want to pick them up for something but just letting you know right now that they won't always be available.

They need their dad and if you can bend a little they'll get to know him even more and have awesome memories.

What does your court order say, especially in regard to schedule changes and required notice? I would also document every time he declines his weekend, even if it's just an email that says, "Per your phone call on 11/15, you will not be able to take John and Sue for your scheduled weekend." You didn't specify how random his visits are and if any actually fall on his scheduled time.

If my sks' mom declined to see them on her weekend, DH would document it. We would not be *happy* if she didn't take her whole time (which often happened) but we felt it better she take them to the movie and dinner and drop them back here than then end up somewhere random without either parent. First right of refusal and all that. Not always convenient, but we usually took the middle ground vs the kids never seeing her. Kids are smart. They figure out what's up.

If these are "scheduled weekends" in the sense that they are listed in a court-ordered custody agreement, then he is in violation of the agreement. It's long past time to get back to court. Don't let him shirk his part of the agreement. He doesn't get to "decide when he wants to spend a few hours with them" if the agreement says he takes them for specific weekends (the whole weekend -- not "a few hours" of his choosing).

Sic the legal folks on him. And as Mindingourbusiness notes below-- Is there some reason you haven't done so already? Are you worried or even scared about how he might react? If you have reason to be concerned that he could get nasty with you or with the kids--please tell your lawyer and the court that, and be prepared.