Ex Husband Moved 3 Hours Away After Our Divorce Was Final

Sorry, but I see his point. You are really cutting down his time with her. Is there a way she can just not to to preschool on Mondays or go a bit later so she can sleep in? I would say that if a choice has to be made between seeing daddy and going to preschool, it is more important for her to see daddy. Daddy is a HUGE thing for a little girl; if she doesn't get to have a good, close relationship with daddy, you will find her looking for that type of relationship elsewhere and that's NEVER good.

I think you should forget preschool right now and let her go back to spending that week with her daddy. She can get her socialization at the park or other places on the weekends. My GD never went to preschool and she didn't have a hard time when she started kindergarten. She's in 5th grade now and doing just fine - no issues at all because she didn't go to preschool.

Yes it's work pressing!!!! He's the one that moved not you. He should be responsible to get her and drop her off. What he doesn't realize is he could even loose his weekends being that far away.

I would get an attorney and get the custody schedule re-done. That is not a feasable schedule for living so far apart. Is he living there permanently? Is he planning on moving back? If he says this is temporary then I "might" say ok we'll do this for 1 more month (or however long you want to) BUT if this is permanant then you have to get the visitation redone in my opinion.

Generally, the person who is taking possession of the child comes to pick them up. So he picks her up at the beginning of his visitation, and you pick her up to bring her home to you.

I would ask that he ensures that she has a bath or shower on Sunday so you can put her to bed when you arrive home. You could even send a second set of clean PJ's and ask that she be in them for the ride home. I would also ask that he feed her dinner. I think this is a reasonable request...and should he refuse, I would definitely talk to your attorney and see what can be done in court.

Best of luck!

When I read the title of your posting, I thought perhaps you needed help structuring a thank you note. Anyway-if you have full custody-he needs to do some driving-because the problem will arise when you facilitate everything, he then will do nothing-and 9 pm is way too late for a four year old to get home on a school night.

I wish there was a way I could help you see you are not meeting him halfway, not by a long shot! Even close to halfway would be giving him every weekend, I would bet then he wouldn't fight you so much about pick up time.

Just try to think about this from his point of view, he had to move in with his parents, you put her in preschool and now you are using his move as an excuse to further reduce his time with her. He only had around 30 - 35% and *you* cut that to to around 15% without a court order I might add. Now you want to eek into that because you don't like the drive?

If my ex pulled that I wouldn't be half as nice as your ex is being.

I am really not to worried about this because the court will rule what is fair and I doubt that is going to be your idea of fair.
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Yes this is not about him and it is not about you either! Complete BS he is only getting what every dad gets! Every dad gets joint! 50/50 and I bet he gave into your schedule because he thought it was best for his daughter. Now it is not best for his daughter because *she* is being denied time with her dad!

I can assure you if he fights this he can get every weekend and holidays so perhaps stop thinking of yourself and start finding what is best for your daughter.

It should state in your divorce custody agreement that if the non custodial parent moves more than 100 miles away from the childs primary residence the vistitation agreement changes and list what the new agreement would be. I know mine llist this out as do most standard divorce decrees

Oh my good ness - of course it's worth bringing up. YOur daughter needs her daddy. H emoved back with his parents because it's expensive to pay child support and also keep a home for yourself. Many divorce decrees include stipulations that custodial sharing parents can't move more than a speicified distance from eachother.

The sad thing is that your child is the one suffering. That's a long drive for a little girl twice in 3 days! AS for pre-school - isn't your ex considering the fact that she'll be in school next year and won't be able to have a week with her dad while school is in session?

This is exactly the reason why many people try to stay in the same down, sometimes even the same neighborhood - to allow the free flow of kids from one house to another. When you daughter gets older she will not want to travel 3 hrs each way to spend time with her dad. What about sports, music, dance, clubs, friend's birthday parties, etc. So much of that takes place on the weekends.

Include it in your court discussions and let the judge be the bad guy. He/she can require that your ex lives close by or that he does most of the driving. If not - your choices are limited. your daughter needs to spend time with her dad and you need to do what's best for your child.

The sad thing is that kids never ask for this - but they are the ones who have to deal with the consequences. <sigh>

P.:

Welcome to mamapedia!

Your divorce decree should have stated, even with the close distance, who was to pick up for visitation. Typically, it is it parent who has custody that day/weekend.

Yes. This is worth going back to court over. Three hours with gas prices shooting up to $4 a gallon again...yeah...that's worth the judge telling him to pull his head out of his behind.

A 4 year old in a car for 3 hours is just hard. he should be thinking about his daughter not himself.

Good luck.

I have never been in your situation (I am so sorry you have to deal with this), but if you do need to go to court, you might want to try to do some future planning ahead of time. She's 4 years old and going to preschool, which means she will be starting grade school before long. If he still lives 3 hours away, I'm not sure it's in her best interest to make that trip every other weekend. It might be time to start looking at alternatives like one weekend a month and making sure it's at least a 3 day weekend. Holidays and breaks from school will be the times he can have her. Not so sure a regular weekend is the best time for her to be making a 6 hour round trip.

He doesn't have to like it ... this is about what's best for her. He changed the rules when he decided to move. Just make sure you mention that to the judge.

You are going to court anyway. Why NOT press this issue? It's a pretty big issue. You do have a lawyer, right? Discuss this with the lawyer.

Good luck,
Dawn

In my county, the parent who moves has to provide the transportation.

Your ex has changed the situation that your current orders were based on.
This needs to be addressed with the court.
He may have valid reasons for having moved, but it shouldn't create more of a hardship for you or your daughter.

When I got married, my daughter's father had no custody rights at all, but he did have supervised visitation rights. My husband's job transferred him 10 hours away. Our schedule was changed to accommodate during school vacations and summers. I provided 100% of the transportation. I'm the one who moved away. It was only fair.
It wasn't a big deal because we just stayed with my mom who lived in the same town.

My daughter was in kindergarten at 4. She had been in preschool a couple years prior to that. She was very intelligent and thrived in a school setting.
Your ex can't exactly use school as an excuse for you to "keep" your daughter away from him when he moved 3 hours away.

You DEFINITELY need to address this with the court.

Best wishes.

If you "can't agree on anything," does your court have a court-appointed mediator for divorce and custody issues? That is a possible option: Both of you meeting with a mediator who would work with you on what to do. But he chose to move and he cannot deny your child schooling, even preschool; if he tries to argue somehow that you put her in preschool to "take her away from him "-- well, she starts kindergarten next year, is he going to argue that THEN? Ignore it. Use mediation so that a third party -- not you -- is the one telling him he must meet you halfway or do 100 percent of the drive for pickup if you are doing 100 percent of the drive for the other direction.

Be sure to point out to the court or mediator -- this is not just three hours away, it's actually SIX hours in the car for your young child. Meeting halfway just seems like the only way to be fair to HER, not just you and him.

He really needs to hear this from a third party who is not you. Some people just will not agree to anything until forced to do so, or at least being threatened with being forced. A court-appointed mediator could be the person he'll listen to. If not -- then a judge.

This is all not going to work once she's in regular school anyway. Six hour drives on Sunday nights before school on Mondays next year? No way.

Is this every weekend? Eek! Frustrating but I think you will have to drive half way no matter what. DO NOT DO MORE THAN THAT. Once he is driving half-way, his visits will probably naturally peter out a bit, so don't let him off easy by trying to do the impossible.

As for when you HAVE to do your HALF (while picking her up I'm guessing since he would have to pick her up to go to his house if this is going to be equal-again, I don't see this lasting long and hopefully he doesn't plan on living with his parents forever...if it's too difficult for him hopefully he'll motivate to move closer.)..

But anyway, for now: My kids were pretty easy at four to fall asleep in the car. And they've stayed up until 9 (or 10:30) plenty of times at 4-not the end of the world. They've also eaten tons of meals in the car-even some healthy ones if I'm motivated to pack them. She should be bathed already when you get there, or to be honest, my kids don't bathe every night....far from it. That could be a night where she just eats in the car if he can't serve dinner and then she goes straight to bed when you get home.

Good luck, sorry for tough phase. And personally, I WOULD address it in court to be sure the judge orders EQUAL driving if at all possible. Why leave it to chance if you're going back to court anyway?

He's not being fair. if he wants to live so far he should be abel to get her hisself its not your job to help him like that. And then hes trying to make it hard after you are trying to make it easy. So dont help him anymore.

And who ever said can she skip school on a Monday then answer is NO! I work at at pre-K school and there is big problems if the little kids miss days they can get kcked out. And n body would say that about a bigger kid that they can skip schol? Plus she need all her rest. Small kids have to get a lot more sleep. And who ever said she don't need prescholl doesn't know anything then! The kids DO TO NEED the preschool for speech and other things. Its a BIG BIG DEAL. I hope this is fixed for you at court because he didnt ned to move so far. He maybe did it just to annoy you. I think its good for the kids toohave 2 good parents but he has to move back closer.

He moved, he is the one who should be inconvenienced. I would make sure it was in writing who is doing the driving, and that she has to be home at certain time.

Personally, I think thats way too long of a drive eo weekend for a 4 yr old. I would push for a different arrangement, like he gets her longer in the summer instead of eo weekend. If he doesnt like it, he can move closer.

He needs to do the driving. She needs to be home by 5 on Sunday. End of story. Dont play ball with him, he is the one who moved.

it seems fair to me that he travel on friday to get her and you travel on sunday, that is what the agreement says. There is no reason she can not have dinner before you get her at 6, and a bath. and if every so often the bath does not happen at dad's house and it has to wait until Monday morning, that is not the end of the world. The situation is certainly not ideal, but if he needed to move back in with his parents then I am assuming financial hard ship, it is not like he moved just to spite you, and if she was not supposed to be in school this year then he more then likely assumed it would not be a huge deal since travel would only be every 3rd week and she would be with him for longer times. So he is not the only one who changed things, you did as well, and now you have to be willing to work with him to be sure your child gets to spend time with her father, that is what is in HER best interest and that should be the focus.

My ex moved 9+ hours away after ours was final. We did end up back in court b/c we couldn't settle on our own or with a mediator. It's pretty standard that you'll have to do equal driving, even though he moved. I would negotiate the time and where to meet b/c of her age.
He does drive a little further than I do, but that was what he offered and the judge accepted it. Otherwise, they would have just split it equally if we couldn't agree.

There are good points on both sides.

His: Its NOT real school. Its a voluntary extra. This is his last year to have her not in real school. I'm with him 100% on this. If you want her enrolled during your time, great, but not during his time.

Yours: 100% with you that 3 hours away is impossible for 50/50 or 33/66 ONCE she's in real school, there is simply no way for that to work. He cannot drive her 6 hours a day to/from school, and driving 6 hours at night to pick up is an out of line burden (schedules + cost of gas). Since he is the one who elected to move away, the onus of transportation should be on him.

In court: You never know how things will go. I have no idea how they will find. They could find in his favor, or yours, or a combo. They could find that schedule a until kindergarten, them schedule b at start of school, or they could want to keep you out of court again next year and want schedule B to start now. THE ONLY thing I know from court, is far we've never left "happy". He's never gotten what he wants, and Ive never gotten what I want. Heck. The courts may do that on purpose to for e parents to come to agreement outside of court.

HOWEVER, I'd be very leery if your agreement is 33/66 & you're refusing to return her without agreement in writing. If so, he could call the pice on you at any time for custodial interference. In that case, expect to lose. Badly.

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Per your SWH

UM... "What every other dad gets" is NOT every other weekend. USED to be. The trend at this point is 50/50. Not 80/20. Since he moved away he MAY have screwed himself there AFTER school starts (or you may find yourself with her 20% of the time if she's in school in his town). But be very careful with these assumptions.

In most places, and most situations, all one parent has to do is ask for 50/50 & they get it.

But if you've been keeping her during his time NOT by agreement, he may get 100%.

I'm sorry I don't know the legalities but what a pain in the butt, not to mention a horrible schedule for your little girl. Will he meet you half way, earlier in the day Sunday. That is way to late for a 4 yr old to stay up!

I'm not a Mom person or a Dad person or an every other weekend person. I am the person that thinks every family has a different visitation schedule. What may work for my family may not work for yours. I agree with the previous posts that maybe mediation is the key here before court. A 4 y.o. getting back to mom's house at 9 when she has school the next morning is not appropriate. Have you suggested meeting 1/2 way on Friday and on Sunday and meeting at say 6 or 6:30 at the half-way mark. If you are picking her up at his house at 6:00 then he would not be losing any time with her if he meets you half way at 6:00 because they will have the time in the car to talk, play games etc...

Your comment about he will be getting what every other dad gets is just wrong to me. I am a mom and love my kids dearly just like you do AND I understand he is the one who moved 3 hours away, but it seems like any more the Dads just get walked all over. For some reason seems like the norm is that the kids always go with mom and the dads get shut out and left out of what is going on. I am totally not saying this is the case here just got off on a rant. Just try to stay on good terms with him because he isn't going any where for another 20 years if your lucky.

You need to be sure to bring this up with the Court on the 25th. Since he's the one that moved so far away, the Court should make him do all the transport. Also, be sure the Court makes him understand that he needs to return her to your residence by 6 on Sunday.

Is mediation an option for you? This is exactly the type of issue that would benefit from family law mediation. Rather than dragging a co-parent to court, you work together to find a solution that works for the family.

Good luck!

I'd let my attorney handle this. He moved and he needs to do the transporting in every way. This is too late for her.

I'd ask that you change the exchange to a public place like the police department parking lot so that if he isn't there on time there are credible witnesses to testify when you go back to court due to him not meeting you on time.

He could easily decide to just have her every other weekend from 6pm Friday to 6pm on Sunday. That gives defined time to pick up and a specific time to deliver her back to you. I'd make no exceptions that were choices. If he had an accident or a break down of course that would be extenuating circumstances.

This way you are protected from him showing up at 7 or 8 on those exchange meetings.

I'd also make sure to do the calendar for the rest of the year so that he seens he'd have her a lot during the breaks, like spring break. That is a natural school break that a school kid would have so he should get that. Even if the child care center doesn't take this break and you'd have to pay to retain her spot. It stinks but you have a child that will be visiting her father for extended times over the next 14 years. For at least the next 7-8 years you'll have to pay those child care costs when she's not even there. This is fair to the child care center. If she was going to be gone for a month or even the whole summer you'd have to decide if it's worth it to you. You could drop her and save that money but then when she comes back you won't have that spot waiting and you'd have to find a different care provider.

Then when she starts kindergarten in the Fall she will typically have Fall Break some time in October, then Thanksgiving break, and of course Christmas Break. Those are extended times where she can go and stay several days with her father. He should be able to see that this new arrangement will benefit her too.

Can you not negotiate as two parents? If you must bring it up in court you must, however I think if it is his visitation then he is responsible for transportation. My neice lives two hrs away from her dad and it is a family compromise, everyone helps get her back and fourth depending on schedules, sometimes we meet halfway etc. I think you can figure this one out with out involving the courts.

If mediation won't work with him, then definitely bring it up and have it added into the court orders exactly what he's responsible for regarding the driving. He's the one who chose to move three hours away so he ought to be responsible for AT LEAST meeting halfway since you're willing to do so.

Let's say his time with her is technically over at 4:00 on Sunday. If he has to count driving time to drop the child off at your house at 4:00 on a Sunday or to meet at a neutral location, then he has to do so to comply with a court order. That doesn't mean he gets her until 4:00 and then drives to drop her off. If he fails to comply, report him to the court each and every time.

I would also manage ALL communication with him through your attorney, and if he has one, his attorney. Everything should be in writing. Keep a paper trail so that he can't say that you never made such-and-such request or he would have honored it.

Doesn't it address what you have control of in the custody papers since you have full custody?

If it's for the good of your daughter, it's worth pressing. If it's to get back at him for moving away, it's not. I would think that he should drive her back to your house on Sundays so she arrives at 6pm. And perhaps you do the drop off on Friday or whatever day she goes to his house.

My 5.5 year olds would be messes if they got home Sunday at 9pm since they usually go to sleep by 7:30.

Why not try to negotiate with your ex? Hopefully he wants to do what's best for his daughter and you don't have to deal with the costs and stress of court for this.

What about what is best for the child? It is best she spend time with her dad. It is best she go to school and have a consistent routine every day in preparation for K. It is best for her parents to try their very best to get along and compromise, not blame. It is best she go to bed early every night. It is best for her not to be in a car for 6 hours twice a month.

Could her dad or would he be willing to come every other Friday and spend the weekend where you live so she doesn't have to spend so much time in the car? Does he have any family or friends to stay with? Could you split the cost of a hotel twice a month? Then he could have the whole weekend-pick her up from school on Friday and bring her back around dinner on Sunday.

Just my thoughts and opinions. Good luck to you and your precious little girl.

Typically, the person who moved is responsible for the traveling. Of course, to be fair to your daughter, it is nice if you can share the transportation so she does get time w/ her dad without a lot of it being in the car. A compromise might be that he pick her up Friday night at 6 pm or Saturday morning at 7 or 8 am. Then you pick her up on Sunday at a time that will allow you to be home by dinner time (or he has to bring her home by dinner time).

Since you are already going to court, if you can't work it out before that I would push it because she's 4 now but will start school soon. Better to get in a good routine now.

I've been in you shoes... bring it up in court and have him do the driving or split it fairly, and make sure she gets home at a reasonable time. Your order didn't cover if he or you moved? Often, there are geographic restrictions within adjoining counties... I don't think 3 hours away would be in an adjoining county! Think about the future when she is in school full time too, and address any other issues that were not initially covered in detail in your Decree. You don't want ambiguity anywhere... it'll just give you more headaches down the road. Best wishes and God bless!

The standard possession order should state that all beginning and ending of his possession shall start and end at your residence. The only time you should be picking her up and dropping her off is if you have a right to possession during his visitation period. For example if he has her during her birthday or Christmas then you have a period of visitation during the day, you would pick her up and return her to his residence. Otherwise it needs to be in the standard possession order that all beginning and ending of his possession shall start and end at your residence. It should be stated the conditions apply regardless of the distance between residences.