What Do I Even Say?

I ran into a similar problem with a friend who is raising her boys to be "tough, not wimps" As a result, her boys are bullies and are always picking fights. I just found excuses to keep the kids apart. When she finally questioned me, I was honest with per, but started with "My kids aren't angels" and pointed it out so she wouldnt take it I was attacking her kids.

He 6 year old beats up my 9 year old. When he has finally had enough and hit back, then her 11 year old goes after my son. To her, it was funny. I pointed it out to her when it happened and got her to stop, as her reaction was egging the situation on.
My kids are more important than the friendship, so if she chose to end it...so be it.

If you don't want your child to grow up to be a doormat, don't be one yourself. Tell your friend what is bothering you. Don't do it by telling her her child is bad, just tell her there are behaviors you will not tolerate and you are concerned some of them are happening when your children play together.

HOWEVER...consider that the little boy simply doesn't have a lot in the way of social skills yet and is surrounded by a pack of girls who are just better at that stuff. His bossiness may be an attempt to demonstrate his competence because he is feeling insecure. Consider that the two older girls don't like him and take their tattling with a grain of salt.

I know you did not ask but I do think selling your house and moving over a spitting incident shows a pretty high level of sensitivity so please ask yourself whether you have realistic expectations of childhood behavior. I would have gone next door and talked to the neighbors. I am sorry, but kids are not perfect little dolls - they are gross, they are competitive and territorial, they are bossy, aggressive and rude and they can be monumentally insensitive. They do all of these things on occasion whether their poor beleagured parents have taught them better manners or not - because they are KIDS! You have to show your kids how to set boundaries and stand up for themselves because if you and your children run every time you bump up against the fact that not all people are nice and that even nice people are not nice ALL the time, you will all run out of places to go pretty quickly.

Talk things over with your friend and keep an open mind. Good luck to you.

I would have spoken up right then and there. Call me old fashioned, but if another child is being obviously mean in front of myself and his/her parent, I pause for a moment, and if the mom doesn't step up, I speak out. It would have gone something like this:
"Timmy, I can't believe you just spit at Sarah and Jennie! You need to apologize right now. You know better than that! I am so surprised at you!"

Your comment does not need to be an attack. The point just needs to be made. It works really well for me, and I don't believe this undermines the parent's authority.

Well, you can't make your friend to anything to reprimand her daughter, which is what it sounds like you're looking for.

I agree with you. It's gross. And my reaction would be to put some distance between us and limit or stop the playdates for awhile. I would tell your friend that you think a break is necessary and explain exactly why. Whether or not she chooses to discipline her son (particularly in a way that is satisfactory to you) is entirely up to her.
All you can control is how you react to it.

That kid is a bully. He will act that way and/or get worse if he is not disciplined. But that is his parent's responsibility.

If it were me, I WOULD say something to the Mom and the child.

I would not allow that to happen to my kid.

Though, once in school, these things happens. So you ALSO have to teach your child what to do, and what to say, when these things happens to them. PRACTICE with your child. Tell your child the exact sentence/words they can say when something like that happens... and HOW TO ASK FOR HELP and voice it. Then you teach your child, that not everyone is 'nice' in the world... but that the CHILD can make other friends, to choose wisely, to speak up to the adult/teacher/parent etc. And what wrong and right is... and what BULLYING is.
You have to arm your child with SKILLS... on what to do, too.
And as the Mom, you stand up for your kid.
That is what I do.
My kids, will stand up to even older kids or adults... if something wrong/mean is done to them, and they know how to tell us AND that they can tell us... and that it is how to "problem solve" etc.

all the best,
Susan

I agree--spitting is a disgusting action.

I have on occasion, had to say something to the other child (not spitting specifically but other bullying-type behavior like not taking turns, not sharing, etc), especially when the other mom is not there. Then I have mentioned to the other "mom friend" that "I had to remind so-and-so to take turns, must be on older sibling thing, this being "in charge" of the situation.....blah blah blah"
Don;t get me wrong, I am a believer in letting kids solve their own problems but after a friend refuses 20+ times to anything MY kid wants to do after promising "we"ll do your game next..." a million times--I'm gonna step in. Why should my kid have a horrible afternoon in his own house with his own stuff? But I digress....Point is--the moms have all taken that positively and remarked things like "Good--he needed to hear that" or "Yeah--he gets bossy with his sister like that" etc. If she's a good mother, aunt and friend, she'll hear you and support it.
I always tell my "friend moms" that they have my permission to "treat my kid like their own and feel free to correct/say something if he is doing something wrong b/c I want to know about it! I'm confused by your post--was this mom right there when it happened? Was she aware of it? If so, and she did nothing, I'd cool it for awhile. If it ever happened again, I would loudly say to the child "Did you just spit??!! We are not allowed to spit--ever!" Then see what she says/does.....

I admire you for putting your child above your friendship (believe it or not some parents don't).

Otherwise I totally agree with Melissa M.

Good luck.

Be honest with your friend. If she is really a friend she will understand and hopefully take a closer look at her child's behavior. I am sure your children are not the only recipients of this kind of behavior and it will only continue to get worse if she doesn't address it now. All you can do is talk to her and if she decides to do nothing, let her know that in the best interest of your children, the play dates will not be able to continue. Good manners are soooo important, it amazes me that parents today don't realize that.

I have had a LOT of experience with a LOT of children and never once have I asked a parent to correct their child. If a child spit on mine I would instantly say Never do that again, that is a filthy nasty habit!! If mom didnt like it..Oh well. She should have said something before I did. Parents dont like being reminded that their kid is a brat or does anything wrong, so they will become defensive and try to either deny or make excuses for their little angel. Of all the times I have corrected children I have never had a mom get mad at me.
Not too long ago I was in an elevator and a mom pushed in a stroller with a screaming 2 year old. I looked at him, put on a hurt face and said please dont do that, I have a head ache. He stopped right away and I thanked him and told him what a great boy he was. He smiled and the mom said how did you do that? LOL

I would talk to her- and try to remain neutral and objective- let her know how you feel and that you are sad and disappointed that she would- essentially- defend that sort of lewd behavior. Ask her to put herself in your shoes, and ask what she would do, or want done. Simple as that. You'll know in your heart what to do after you give her a chance to talk about it.

I don't know if I have much to offer. I had a similar situation around Christmas time, except nothing physical ever happened. The straw that broke it for me was the boy (6.5) telling my son (5) that he wasn't smart because he used a chart to count past twenty. I then decided that some distance was needed based on my friend's personality. (Her response is normally 'when you're right, you're right' and she'll even let her son disrespect her husband with this saying)
The first time the boy said this I stuck up my son and my friend looked at me like I was a bully. Then next time my husband heard it, he let it slide. The third time I heard it I told him that it hurts people's feelings and you're basically calling him stupid. Then he did it again so I was done.
I'm putting my children first this time and this friendship wasn't healthy enough to handle constant hanging out. The past months have been better for my husband and I. I don't think my son really cares too much, plus he'll bounce back and make his own friends that he chooses.
Our children will come across many people in their life, but we don't have to encourage negative friendships. I just feel so bad that it took me a couple years to realize it.

Well selling your house again I assume would be a bit over the top!

I'd suggest you be honest. Tell your friend how you feel and tell her you think you need to take a break because you are worried it is hurting your daughters self esteem. Maybe you can try to play together again in a couple of months.