What Do I Do???????????? - Kemp,TX

I wouldn't give your cousin back!! My daughter is really my biological neice and we have had her since she was ten days old, she's 17 now. I took her out of a terrible situation without even asking my husband. I am so lucky he is a great dad to her. Please try to convince your husband that you need to help this child. Good luck!

My fiancee comes from a bad family, alcholics and drug addicts that can't even manage to keep food in the house, he was lucky enough to move out at 14 and move in with his cousin, who was in his early 20's at the time. His cousin went on to get married to someone who didn't understand why it was their responsibility to take care of this child. My fiancee wasn't very lucky in the matter and by age 16 was living on his own. Honestly, he has never forgiven his family for turning their backs on him, and I don't blame him one bit. Maybe you two could see a counselor or have a mediation with a pastor about this. Your husband needs to respect your feelings in all of this, and no child deserves to be tossed out like they are worthless! Also, maybe setting some boundries with the child. Make it clear that there are rules in your house that must be followed, and one of them is that he/she must respect the privacy of your room. I would kinda be ticked if someone went into my room without my permission and an 11 yr old should be able to understand that as well. But, I don't think I would take it to the extent of kicking the child out! Hope all goes well for you!
p.s. I don't think a lock is the answer.....I mean, let's try some communication first!

I hope you won't send a child back to a bad family over a piece of candy. And I hope you won't leave your husband over it either.
I'm sure there is a lot more going on under the surface so you and your husband need to try to be on the same page with things.
Okay....a rule of not going into the adults bedroom is a fair rule. Make sure your cousin and any other kids you have in the house know and respect the rule.
You also seem to need to talk about what are fair and just disciplines for infractions. Taking a piece of candy without asking isn't anything any other normal kid hasn't ever done. It shouldn't be the end of the world.

I think that you all should try to get into counseling so that your cousin who is just a child has a safe place to talk about his feelings and you and your husband can have some help with managing the obvious shift in the family structure after having added your cousin. You and your husband are adults and the things you say and the way you handle situations will have an impact on this child, good or bad, for the rest of his life.
You have a chance to give him a good home and a solid foundation. That begins with you and your husband working together toward that together.

I really wish you the best.

Your husband clearly wants some boundaries... give that to him. He doesn't want the kid going in his bedroom, then by all means, the kid shouldn't be in there, I agree with that. It's good you are helping the child out, and I am going to guess that there are probably more dynamics going on here that is causing your husband to be more frustrated. Perhaps some ground rules.. for everyone and maybe even some family counseling would be helpful. You can have the child and stay with your husband, you all just need to work together.

Gotta sit down and have a long heart to heart with Hubby. A 12 yr old that has come from a challenging life already needs some time and some guidance to adjust. Help your husband understand that some compassion needs to be shown here and also sit with your cousin and explain the rules of the house to him. He really shouldnt have the right to roam in your bedroom, really. Give it some time, I'm sure you are stressed wanting to do the right thing for a needy family member.... you have some labor pains to go through but keep communicating with Hub so he understands what you are feeling. It's very difficult to have someone else living in your home, it really is. I hope this was something you and hubby discussed at length prior to you taking on the task....? If you both agreed, then you just need to sit down and talk about the current realities. If your cousin starts feeling unwanted at your house too, it can create a lot of reasons for him to really start some bad habits just trying to fit in "somewhere".

From the little information you gave, it is hard to give much advice. But I would say that you fight for BOTH.

Again, you didn't give but the tiniest bit of information... but from that, it sounds like you and hubby need to sit down and work out a plan. A set of ground rules for the household. If you don't have kids of your own, you probably have never thought about a lot of these kinds of issues. When you have kids and they grow up in your house, a lot of this kind of stuff gets worked out slowly over time... as the situations arise. But with an older kid suddenly in the house... you have to make all these decisions at once. Obviously, you either haven't discussed them or disagree about them. But you need to discuss them and come up with rules. Then share them with the cousin and expect him to respect them.

I can completely understand your husband being upset that a 12 year old boy just walked into your/his bedroom, from the sounds of it without asking, and helped himself to something in there. Granted, a piece of candy... whooppee. right? But it is the boundary that is the real issue. Not the candy. Do you guys need to keep your bedroom door closed, and have a rule that you don't enter without knocking and/or an invitation in?

My kids are 9 and 12 and they are recently having issues with just this type of thing. My 12 yr old has a fit if his sister comes in his room when he is watching a movie or playing a game on his computer. She isn't "up" to anything... but he wants her to ASK before entering. He is getting older and feels that it is his right. BUT, he thinks nothing of waltzing into HER room uninvited. So.. we are working on getting him to give her the same respect that he wants from her.

You said that you guys are at your breaking point with your cousin. What else is going on in the household that is creating stress? Is it because of the cousin, or because you guys haven't agreed and implemented any house rules?
Have a "family conference" and discuss ideas on how to keep everyone respectful of each other. (Have a "mini" conference with your hubby first, so that you are on the same page, lol). Don't make it you and hubby against your cousin-- or you and cousin against your hubby. Just a basic plan for how to get along sharing space... and then go from there. As things arise... you can discuss how things will be done in the house. If your cousin "comes from a bad family", maybe he doesn't know that you guys have a different standard of behavior in your home. Don't punish him for what he was not taught... just explain your expectations, and help him learn to adjust. He'll probably be glad to have some definitive guidelines/expectations.

From the little bit of information you have given I can understand why your husband was upset. Your bedroom is your personal space and the child invaded it with no regard for your privacy.

Despite the fact that he has come from a "bad family" he still needs to learn to respect property and the rights of others. If he does not learn these with you, then he is no better off than where he was.

You and your husband need to sit down and discuss each other's expectations. Do you already have children together? If this a first time parenting experience then you need to step back and give him a break! Being a first time parent is hard enough when you get them from birth, but to step into it when a child is already 12 yrs old.... OMG! Then there is the "your not my father card!" The two of you are in for a long hard journey. If you care about your marriage you two need to sit down and have a serious talk about this.

Obviously there's more to it than a kid getting a piece of candy.
Did your hubby agree to this custody?
Has he changed his mind?
What are his suggested solutions?

I applaud you for taking in this child and trying to provide a better life.

God bless.

Could your Husband... MORALLY be okay with sending your cousin back? To a BAD home life???

That child, probably needs Therapy/Counseling...

Tell your Husband, he is from a bad family life... and as a child/teen, he NEEDS constancy in his life... or his life will be forever permanently damaged.

I personally, could not send a child back... to a home like that...

Your Husband, may benefit from parenting classes.. he obviously does not know...about kids????

A child like that, from a bad home like that... needs a TON of rehabilitation... they often do not "know" what is right or wrong.. because they grew up in a DYSFUNCTIONAL home... tell your Husband that. Your Cousin... a mere 12 year old... needs help... emotionally and mentally... and all around.

If your Husband, rather makes you "choose"... then, well, that is just wrong and selfish.

Your Husband... seems unable... to be mature about it... and handle it like a caring adult...

You all sit down, and NICELY, have a "family meeting" about 'rules' in the home... and talk about it....

And, contemplate, getting your Cousin some Counseling...
Imagine how hard it is for your Cousin.... and your Husband also not wanting him... around.
Does your Husband actually want your Cousin... to just perish???

all the best,
Susan