What Are the Right Words to Help My 2Nd Grader "Break Up" with a BFF?

I think you may want to casually distance yourself but if it were me, I wouldn't actually "break up" with her. My daughter (now in first grade) is in a similar situation. Her best friend from K (handful) is now in a different class - they play at recess and mom asks for playdates. Most times our schedules don't match up, and I'm glad about that. But I know kids change and over time, the friend may end up "settling down", so to speak. I don't want to burn any bridges. Even though she is a handful, she is an intelligent girl and when they do have the occasional playdate, I hear the conversations and I think she (the friend) actually is a good challenge to my daughter intellectually. I don't like how bossy she is (and try to give my daughter ways to speak up, as you also have done). But I try to think that there are some benefits of keeping the relationship "friendly" as I casually distance myself. Just my opinion. You never know - years down the road the girl may end up being the sweetest friend and you don't want to burn bridges. Just my two cents. good luck!

it seems as if you're actually asking what the right words are for YOU to break up with the other girl's mother.
i think allowing the friendship to cool off naturally is exactly the right thing to do. the notion that two little girls attending the same birthday parties is 'leading them on' strikes me as rather ridiculously dramatic.
the only way i'd 'break up' would be if the other mother asked directly, and then i'd be honest but courteous. no need to make excuses- you get a text, and simply say 'i'm sorry that doesn't work for us.' and if she keeps texting then yes, either one of your statements will work just fine.
but as for the girls, i just don't see a need for a 2nd grader to have some big dramatic break-up. 'i like you, marysue, but i don't want to play with you right now' is really all that's needed.
khairete
S.

My son can be a handful and I know that. However his friend's mom went so far as to totally ghost on us the week before her son's birthday party. Her son kept asking us if my son was going and I didn't know what to say bc his mom refused to give me the party details. Her immaturity ended up hurting me, my son and her son. Had she just said, "listen, your son is great, but a little bit of a handful and and we've been busy with other things. I'm sorry but it's just not going to work out." That would have been better than to constantly tell my son that his mom is ignoring us or making up excuses so at least he wouldn't keep asking anymore. At the same time, going to a birthday party once a year isn't going to be a huge deal to your daughter, but it may mean the world to a child who has a hard time making friends. I would just bite the bullet and go every once in a while, a good way to teach kids how to be friends or at least courteous.

Honestly, I wouldn't do it. I would continue to just say that you all are too busy.

It's not the little girl who you would be hurting. It's the mom. She has a handful for a kid and you are probably not the only one who has turned away this child and mother. Don't make it harder on the mom than it already is.

I think B's question of "How would your daughter like to hear it?" is a great perspective to consider. Ditto for the mom. How would *you* want to be told by another parent, if the situation were reversed? I agree with others who suggested just a simple answer and not being 'busy' all the time. That's worse than hearing "Thank so much for the invitation, Millie's not really interested at the moment."

From my observation, the friend thing starts sorting itself out in third grade with more 'core' groups of friends for kids. I'd also say this, from my own experience: some parents are just going to be hurt, angry, or upset about stuff like this, some won't. All you can do is be kind, straightforward (as you are wanting to do)-- beyond that, this other woman is an adult and should be able to take care of her own emotions. You can't own that or do anything about it, so don't take that on, okay? :)

I think 'drifted apart' or 'grown in different directions' is a good phrase.
Friendships come and go - and sometimes your daughter will be on the other side of this sort of thing - and someone won't want to hang out with her anymore.
How would your daughter like to hear it?
You might say it's a good time for both girls to hang out with other friends as they develop wider social circles.

I think stringing the mom along (because at this age the parents do the arranging) is going to become a bit uncomfortable and even annoying from her standpoint. I wouldn't say the girls have drifted apart because it may be that her child is still very interested in yours. I think you have to say, "Gee, Marigold, the girls haven't been in the same class for a few years, and my Tiffany seems to be more interested in some friends in the current class. I'm a big believer in letting kids work things out for themselves, so I don't want to interfere by pushing any more play dates when Tiffany seems to be exploring other social outlets. I think it's best to just let things rest while your Jasmine looks closer to home as well. I'm sure there hasn't been any big breaking point, just a cooling off."

And this is why I don't like young kids (especially) to use the term BFF - it almost forces a loyalty and exclusivity that they don't feel at this point in their lives. Kids are always changing and growing, and it's not always productive for them to align themselves with one special friend for all time.

Good luck. I think you can handle this without saying anything at all about her daughter being a handful.

I'm sorry that the other mom hasn't realized that your daughter's too busy or not interested -- usually if a family turns down play dates repeatedly, the parent who's doing all the asking gets the hint and knows either that the other kid/family isn't interested or that the other kid's schedule is not really going to mesh with her own kids'. It sounds as if this mom will need the more direct approach you're seeking, but do take care not to over-talk it or justify it with a lot of reasons.. Don't get into (or let her get into) what their friendship was like in kindergarten, which is an eternity ago in kid terms. Be kind but brief. And please don't tell her that her daughter is a handful or has "boundary issues" etc.

A simple, "Sally isn't really doing play dates right now" is fine. So is "Maybe the girls need a break." Also: "Sally's into her (sports, scouts, dance, whatever) right now and between activities and school, she's not doing play dates much." (Use that one only if it's true for your child; the other mom will know if your child really doesn't have activities.)

And if she brings up things like, "But they were so close in K, and Jenny still thinks of Sally as her best friend and is so hurt," you'll have to address it, but again, be brief. "I know they were such good friends in K, and Sally had sucha good time with Jenny then. But since they haven't had any classes together these past two school years, Sally is more involved with other class friends and activities."

I hope she can understand the message if you just say, "Not doing any play dates right now" but if she is persistent or wants to know why, or asks what they've done wrong, etc., be ready to redirect her back to the idea of "This just doesn't work for Sally/they need a break." It doesn't hurt to write a few lines down first and have them next to the phone. I would call, and not text-- in a text, no one can hear the tone of your voice; texts can come across as rude and cold even if they're not meant to be. I'd phone her back and not text her back.

I appreciate (and agree with) your respect for letting kids work out their own issues. it sounds as though your daughter has done exactly that. She doesn't ask to play with J. Of course she sees her on the school grounds, but that's to be expected. And it doesn't sound like J is approaching your daughter and inviting her to things.

What it sounds like, to me, is that J's mom is the one doing the inviting. Perhaps J is having trouble keeping friends. Maybe other friends are learning the same things as your daughter did - that J is a handful. That doesn't mean that J is not deserving of politeness, of kindness and of respect. But perhaps it means that a playdate with J can be a not-so-fun thing for other kids.

So my opinion is, in this case, that your daughter has handled things, and it's now you as the mom who needs to communicate with J's mom. I think you should call her and just say that if the opportunity for a birthday party arises, you'll let her know, but for now, your daughter is busy with school, church, Girl Scouts, ballet (whatever - keep it truthful) and you're busy with your responsibilities and duties, you'd prefer to not schedule playdates right now. Be polite, and hope that the mom gets the point that perhaps her daughter needs to learn how to be a better friend. Once you've kindly told the mom "no, thank you", then just ignore future requests. Always smile at her cordially when you see her at school events. And continue on the path you're on - helping your daughter develop into an honest, reliable, polite, friendly young lady. Make sure you tell her that you've been honest with J's mom, while still remaining polite. "I didn't tell J's mom negative things about her daughter, but I didn't make up excuses. I politely told her that we wouldn't be scheduling play dates with J. When you see J at recess, make sure to smile at her and speak politely with her, and act in a friendly way, the same way you would act towards anyone. Keep your actions honorable towards everyone."

"No thanks" is a perfect answer. No further explanation needed.

I don't know if this would work, but recently we had a mom say "Daughter isn't interested today".

It could mean the child just had a bad day. Or it could mean she's not interested period. I didn't ask. I just will leave the ball in their court.

I wasn't offended at all. And I'm a sensitive person. So maybe try that? I really just liked that she was upfront and honest. They were the ones initiating the play dates originally but even so, kids aren't always a good fit. If they ask for another one at some point, I'll just ask my daughter if she wants to, and go from there. Friendships change and so do kids.

So cutting it off entirely probably wouldn't be my first choice. Sometimes saying you're busy will make someone stop dealing with you entirely (but will have hard feelings).

I would honestly still keep taking the "busy" track, but make it more specific. I had to do this recently myself. A mom kept wanting to get together, and I couldn't. At first, it was legit that I was too busy because I'm a single mom of 3, and she has 2 kids and a very helpful spouse, so she's not as bogged down with tasks on evenings and weekends as I am. So at first I literally could not get together with, her, then after she asked 5 more times, finally I was able to meet her once, and our kids didn't really gel. My son is 7 and hers is 3. Her daughter is similar in age to my two daughters, but my son was bored silly and already spends too much time with girls...so anyway. I knew I didn't really have time to carve out more play dates with her. I'm not even the play date type! I thought she felt the same way since the boys didn't even play together and her son was crying most of the time and demanding her attention while she caved... ODDLY though, despite a ton of "no's" and "I really never have free time evenings or weekends" answers...she KEPT ASKING!!! I would have been blunt early on, but most people give up (I do anyway) after a few failed attempts..

So the last time she asked, I said, "I feel so bad, but we're on opposite schedules, and now my son has started wrestling, and our weekends are so crazy, we have 2 bday parties and a violin recital this weekend (she asked us to rent a van and go to NYC for the weekend??!!!) I'm just not able to swing it, sorry, I'm totally overwhelmed all the time." And I haven't heard from her since then.

I saw no need to make it personal when scheduling is also legitimate. She does not need to know I actually could carve out some time for someone with a little more in common-still not much though!

You could say that your daughters don't seem to be wanting to get together lately if that's true since it doesn't target her daughter, but she may press on like, "Yes mine does!!!" And it won't amount to anything good to make her mad by pointing out her daughter's personality..So why not just tell her you guys have had some schedule changes and you can't swing play dates anymore.