Classmate Playdate Etiquette

Just drop him off! If she wanted everyone, she would have said so. It would not be fair to the boys to have a 3 year old bother them.

It is a drop off play date. 1st grade parents don't stay unless the moms are friends or are specifically invited.

Just say: "Sounds great! Were you thinking I should drop Billy off, or should you and I visit while the boys play?"

If she replies: "Why don't you plan to stay and you and I can catch up over coffee while the boys play", then you reply "Sounds lovely, I just need to arrange a sitter for Sally". And of course the day of playdate is whatever day you can get a sitter.

Under no circumstances should you bring Sally to this woman's house during the boys' play date.

ETA for your SWH: The reason none of your prior playdates have been drop-offs is because before now your son was in kindergarten (or younger). As many of the posts here say, grade school playdates are typically drop-offs. Your son is now at the age where his friends will be transitioning to drop-off playdates.

Where I am from we only do drop off play dates by the time kids are school age. If you are unsure I would just ask if it is a drop off or not. I personally would not want to have to entertain my kids friends parents when my kids have friends over to play. The point of a play date is to keep our kids occupied so we can get other things done.

ETA: How much "watching" is really involved when grade school kids are having a play date? I usually find that if you know where they are, and can maybe hear what they are up to that is sufficient. It frees mom up to do laundry, wash dishes, cook a meal etc. Most children do not require direct supervision past the age of three.

Welcome to the world of parenting with one school-age kid and a smaller one as well.

The invitation was for your son. Please realize that two first grader boys do not want or need a toddler around for their play date -- you would HAVE to stay and you would end up spending the whole time prying your upset daughter away from the boys, who would be trying to escape her.

If the mom had wanted both kids, she would have asked. Never assume an invitation for either of your kids is for both of them. I also would never ask, "Do you want Sally too?" That puts the other parent on the spot in a big way. You can indeed say, "Since it's the boys' first play date, if you'd like me to stay around this time, I can." But do not stay if it means you have to have your daughter there. She will be unfairly tempted to run after the boys. They will be much more interesting to her than anything else in the house but they will not want her around. If you cannot stay for the boys' play date without having to have your daughter there -- do not offer! Unless your son is very shy or scared of new situations or has behavioral issues you really don't need to stay. Just be sure to reciprocate soon and have this other boy to your house. Yes, your daughter will get under the boys' feet there, but no need to create that situation at someone else's home. Better yet -- have one of your daughter's friends to your house for a play date at the same time your son has his friend over!

Around here, by the time the children are K or 1st grade, they are dropped off for a play date. I never expected to entertain a parent (and other siblings) while my child was having a play date.

I don't understand your hesitance to drop your son off and let him play. This other mom obviously has enough trust in you to leave her son in your care for a play date.

No, siblings are not invited to play dates. The play date is for the 2 children in the same grade, class, etc to establish the friendship outside the classroom.

Just communicate with the mom upfront so you know what to expect. My idea is that she thinks you are dropping your son off since she has done the same at your house.

Drop off is the norm here (K and up.) I'd find it really awkward to sit and talk to an adult I may or may not have much in common with for two or three hours, and having an extra kid is LESS work for me, because my child is happily playing with a friend while I'm getting stuff done (or reading or playing on the computer) so it's a win win for me!
I do have mom friends I get together with, but that's separate from my kids' friends. I mean, just because my kids are friends with someone doesn't mean I'm going to start hanging out with their parents. Sure, I am friendly and communicative and all but I'm not interested in hanging out every time the kids get together. I've got stuff to do and so do they, I assume!

Text her back and ask. I would rather have someone ask me "Just to clarify..." instead of worrying. If she knows you well enough to text you, she shouldn't be offended at the questions.

Considering that you do not know the family well, I would not drop off my child. Perhaps you say that you appreciate the invitation, but you would not be able to come over with you son because you have a little one, so would she consider having the play date at your house. She might offer to have you come with your little one. She may choose to have the play date at your house. She might suggest just dropping off you son, but if so, I suggest you say that you typically get to know folks well before you leave you son with them.

Its just your son maybe you as well. But for sure not your 3 year old. Id just see if she would prefer you drop him off or stay. But you would need to find a sitter or something for the younger sibling

You could ask if she'd mind meeting at a local park so the 3 year old could play while the boys are playing. Then you could get to know her better before you have playdates at her house.

Totally drop off by grade school in our area, unless you are good friends with the mom. I don't usually see my kids during play dates unless they want food, so it's a time to get the kitchen clean/do laundry/whatever without a child demanding your attention.

The play date was extended to your SON.
Not the whole family.
Otherwise, the "Host" would have said you and your 3 year old can come too.
Or, you ask her if you can all, come, too.

2) You do not know this Mom/family/boy, very well. SO, you do not have to... accept.
Or have it at your place.

3) It is probably a drop off play date. By the looks of it.

4) Anytime there is a play date invitation, it is typically, ONLY for the invited child/classmate. Not the whole, family.
AND if you are not sure, if it is a drop-off or stay play-date... THEN YOU ASK THE HOST, to clarify.
Because, it varies.

5) And if you are not sure, if you can also include yourself or your other child, then you ask, the Host.
But, per your situation, I would assume it is ONLY for your son. To come over.

I have play dates all the time for my kids. I have 2 kids. And ALL of my kids' friends, have... siblings. But when we invite my kids' friends/classmates over... it is ONLY for, the invited child. My kid's friend. NOT the whole family and not for the siblings.

ALSO for future reference, keep in mind, that it is important for a child to have their own... socials and play-dates, without their sibling tagging along. Kids have their own, friends, and activities. SEPARATE from their sibling.
I have several friends who have 2 or 3 or 4 kids. And each child, has their OWN play dates and socials. Separately from their siblings. The Moms will actually say that that is good, because they want EACH of their children, to have their OWN social time with their own friends apart... from their siblings. Each kid has their own life and socials.

Whenever a kid is invited to a "play date".... it does not matter if you have other kids or not or if they are younger or not. And it does not mean that all the siblings/Mom are invited. Too.
Play dates, are only for the invited, child or classmate. Unless, the Host openly says that ALL can come.

Your son is in 1st grade. At this age, play dates, are typically, drop-off play dates. And it does not include siblings or the Mom. Unless again, the Host says you all, are invited. But to me, she would have said that, from the beginning. And she did not.

I know ALL of the siblings and Moms, of my kids' friends. That does not mean, that just because I know ALL of them, that each play date I have for my kids, that that whole family and sibling(s) are invited. When I have a play date for my kids with their own, friends... it is only for that friend. Not their siblings. Even if I know them, too.

You need to get used to, the idea that play-dates for your older child, is for HIM. Separately. It is not for the entire family or his sibling, too. And in the future, your younger child will have her own... play dates, too. Not including your son.
Any play-date, is for the invited child. And as a child gets older, these play dates will be, drop-off types.
And then, you can have your own time, with your younger child.

As a rule: Play dates.. DO NOT HAVE TO, include siblings or the Mom. And it often does not. Especially as a child gets older. Like 1st grade.
And it does not matter, that the other boy is an only-child... and that they have to consider siblings.

No to this one. You don't know her, she could be a yelling screaming sort of mom or one that lets the kids do anything they want while she's on FB or something.

Tell her since you have your daughter too that you only do playdates at the park so if she'd like to meet you guys that would be awesome.

Once you get to know her and have been a guest in her home several times you'll have a much clearer picture about leaving your son in her care.

She is inviting only your son over to play with her son who is the same age and a classmate-her intention is not to babysit your daughter at the same time-it is probably not an invitation to entertain you, just to have you in for a while in order for you to feel good about leaving your son with someone you don't know very well-and then you would pick up your son a a set time.

From the way you described her text, I would think it was a drop off play date. Maybe she could bring your son home from school and then you could pick him up later, so that way you're not driving out there twice. Just bring an extra booster seat to school at drop off (if she doesn't have one) and make sure you meet up with her then for a minute. Find out what time she wants you to pick your son up.

Meeting at a park is ok too, but it might be nice for the boys to play together at his home instead.

My daughter has a good friend that's an only child. Our play dates started with just my daughter for fairness to both of them. Then as time went on and I got very familiar with the family it extended to my youngest. But what I found out was my youngest was always getting left out and feelings were constantly being hurt. It did not make for fun play dates. So now I just try to get together in a huge group setting or without my youngest if I can.

I find families with younger siblings always encourage me to bring my youngest and things seem to work out much better that way.

By first grade I would assume it is a drop off playdate. Even though I do not know the parents personally all the time you start to get to know some of the families around school. There was one playdate my son was invited to go swimming which I turned down becuase the children of this family where driving around without seatbelts on. I just did not feel that they would keep as close an eye on him while he as swimming as other families might. Other playdates I have dropped my son off or he has been picked up from school with other friends but I know the expectations of the parents.

Hi, TT:
One thing to learn:

"Never assume anything, always ask."

What do you need with this play date?
Do you need to be there?
Do you want to make friends with the child's mother?
Life is about reciprocity!

Now a days, I am seeing some Mothers turn their children out and not supervise their activities. I am appalled at the attitude of these young mothers.

These women are from upper middle class neighborhoods and even the poorer neighborhoods.

What is with this kind of mentality?
These mothers aren't even taking their children to Sunday School to learn about their duties and responsibilities to those around them.

Good luck.
D.