How Do You Nicely Turn down a Play Date?

This is a tough one.... My first thought is, could you try "taking the blame" for it...something along the lines of: "Betty, the truth is that I'm really trying to cut back on my daughter's 'screen time', so I'm not too keen on allowing her to spend the afternoon playing video games. Any chance we could do something fun outdoors together?"

"We would love to do a playdate, but DH and I are really trying to limit video games/screens for the whole family". Then let her suggest some options. She may say - oh, let's just have the girls over to my house and I will put away the video games.

When she asks if Joan can come over for a play date you could tell her "Joan would like Sally to come over to play for a change." or you could say "Joan is going to the park today, but Sally is welcome to join us. I can pick her up on the way." Leave it at that. That way you have been polite and provided an opportunity for the girls to play together. If the other mom turns you down, then she is the one who is being rude.

Grr, I hate it when people are so selfish this way, it's their way or no way :-(
Next time I would just say, well my daughter has been over there several times already and she really wants to have the next play date here. If/when she insists for you to come over there, just say no, we really want to do it here so give us a call when/if you decide you're comfortable with that. That puts the ball in HER court so to speak, and lets you off the hook.
Chances are this friendship isn't really going to last anyway so try not to worry about it too much.

You can just say "x" would love to play with "y" but we are limiting her screen time so if "y" wants to go to the park we will be there from 3 to 4 on Friday. Or whenever. I would not let the other mom over ride your childs playtime.

I have no problem letting someone know i am limiting the amount time my child can play video games.

Tell the truth. You do not want her sitting playing ideo games.

OK, I'm probably reading too much into this post, but I am uncomfortable with the information. Especially about the outside setting situation. Is the Mom too insecure to go without her husband? Is the husband too controlling of his wife? Why are they so "protective"? Of course, none of these answers are my business. But if I were in this situation I would never let my daughter visit at that house again, without staying the whole time. Sorry. Just my impression.

You could say "well Suzy isn't really into playing video games and wants to do something else. We're going to the park and would love to have Sally join us which is still pretty simple".

You could say "how about Sally come to our house this time?"

Or you could talk to the other mom and say that while the girls love playing together, your daughter doesn't really enjoy coming over just to play video games. Explain that doing something outside your home is can still be simple as you can take both girls or she can just meet you there.

My daughter would like to host and share some of her interests with your daughter. Is there something we could compromise on that they would like?

If she puts you off again with the Sally really wants...you can say "Joan really wants to reciprocate. Please let me know when that is possible."

It may be never, but at least it's been said.

"Joan wants Sally to come play at our house too. When you're ready to let that happen, give me a call."

We had a friend like that and I just tell her, my daughter doesn't want to do that.

It happens, preschool best friends will go in two different directions, however still be friends. As kids, it takes them awhile to see this.

I would turn it around on her. Take her on the play date and stay. After an hour say ok hun time to go. Never mind I do not think I'd feel comfortable leaving my daughter at a house where the mom can't take the kid by herself on a play date.

I would just be perfectly honest. "Well, Joan has expressed that she doesn't like to go over to your house because Sally only wants to play video games the whole time. The girls have great fun when they're at school, and away from video games".

I believe honesty is the best policy. After all, that's what you want your daughter to know, right? This would be a good time to teach your daughter to speak up for herself, too, with your help, of course. I mean, I LOVE hanging out with whole families, personally. We do that all the time - I don't like playdates where I have to be the only parent watching all the kids. It's more fun when I get a playdate, too. But if you don't like that, be honest. Tell her you want to host more. Tell her you don't want other adults there. Tell her your daughter doesn't want to play only video games. Easy peasy.

My son gets 30 minutes of video/computer/ipod time on school nights and two 30 min sessions on weekends. Could you tell her that you are enforcing a rule like that.

I also LOVE Canuck's answer! Put the ball in her court. I would keep a list of plans in the back of your mind in case she catches you off guard.

You could say, my daughter only wants a playdate if your daughter can come over to our house. She feels like she always goes to your house. She tells me she does not want to play video games anymore so she has not been having fun over there. Also, I don't really want her playing video games on playdates. If your daughter wants to meet at a park or come to our house, that would be fine. If not, then not this time. Just tell the truth plainly but kindly.

I think that you could be a little honest and say "I think we'll take a break because Joan is tired of playing video games." That helps Sally's mom understand what the problem is and then it's up to HER to say "I understand. How about if they do "x" instead?"

Quite frankly, Sally's mom is being very lazy to allow this to be the go-to for every playdate. My goodness, they COULD bake cookies or something, do art projects, etc. Instead, she sticks them in front of a computer screen. Tell her kindly and briefly (tired of playing video games) and then that puts the ball in HER court.

I feel for you. It's tough when one kid wants the other one to come over but the invited kid is "just not that into you" with the host kid. And you have the added issue of the other mom insisting that only SHE host a play date. The fact that both mom and dad absolutely must come on every outing that is not at your house or theirs is kind of a red flag to me. You say it's fine with you that they're so protective, but between "they have to be at our house" and "dad has to come too if they're not at a home," they sound like they're at some risk of being truly overprotective.

Anyway, that's not your issue, it's theirs, but it does affect your child's friendship with their child. You did the right thing to try saying, "Let's go to (a third place with an activity)" and that seems not to work well. So two things occur to me: You can get firmer with mom about hosting and your daughter (not sure of her age) can get more assertive about what she wants.

If the other girl asks for the play date and mom says, "Sally really wants Joan to come over," try saying, "I know you prefer to host play dates at your house but you have done it so often. I really want to reciprocate and have Sally over here because it's not fair for you to do all the hosting, and Joan wants to play host to her friend here at home too. Also, Joan has a new (non-video game, toy, whatever) that she wants to enjoy with Sally but needs to do it here. Please let us host this time. It's not a big deal." I would find that argument, politely but firmly said, hard to resist, but don't know if this very protective mom would -- still, it's worth a try.

You could also try, "I'd like to take both girls to mini-golf and it's my treat, so you and Bob really can have the afternoon off. Get your errands done or do something with just you and Bob. I know you both like to come on outings but I thought I'd take the girls for golf and ice cream and let them have some time alone as friends." Generally I find that parents back off if you use the "take the afternoon off!" line but these two might not.

If she still says no, Sally wants Joan over here, you could do one last play date at their house -- but equip your daughter to stick up for what SHE wants when she's there this time. Have her rehearse with you what she wants to tell her friend. She needs to be able to say -- nicely -- "Sally, we play a lot of video games when I'm here. I don't like them as much as I used to. A little is OK but we do it a LOT. How about if this time we play (and then your daughter should be prepared to suggest something specific!)." If they do end up playing video games, tell your daughter it is OK for her to say after a short time, "Sally, I really am done and would like to play X with you instead."

Does your daughter really like Sally overall and does your daughter want to play with her but just doesn't like the games? That's important. If overall your daughter just isn't that interested, games or not, then it's time to be too busy for any play dates -- at your house or theirs -- when Sally's mom calls. "Sorry, Joan can't make it. We're really busy this month." Eventually Sally will stop asking. Meanwhile, be sure Joan has plenty of other new playdates with friends who share her interests.

I think you can be honest. Tell her how much your daughter loves playing with hers but that she doesn't like to play video games. Ask her to help come up with other activities for the girls or simply to tell her daughter that she may not play video games on this play date.

If she's receptive to it - great. Your daughter gets to keep her friend. If she isn't, then invite her daughter to your house. If she continues to insist on hosting, just thank her for the invitation but say that your daughter would rather play another time when they can do something else.

how old are these girls? They shouldn't be spending their whole play date playing video games anyway! Maybe 30 minutes tops, but play dates should really be about more than video games.

Be honest. Tell them that your daughter doesn't want to sit and play video games all the time.

BTW, I NEVER let the kids go to a play date without going with them. It's my job to manage the kids and we always go someplace neutral.

don't over-explain, or 'make excuses' (ie lie). a simple 'oh, sorry, we won't be able to do that' will suffice. IF the mom asks for further explanation, which could happen after you've done this a few times, answer simply and clearly. 'joan really enjoys sally's friendship, but isn't into video games. if sally would like to come to our house and play in the tree house we'd be happy to have her.'
of course, that will only work IF your daughter is actually okay with playing with sally when sally detaches from the controller. if she really doesn't want to play with her at ALL, you'll have to do a 'they are both nice girls, aren't they? it just seems the friendship has run its course for now. let's leave it for a couple of months and see how things go.'
khairete
S.

Ugh. Its nice your considerate of the other mom feelings. This is a tough question. I would tell her once don't repeat yourself because you loss ground. I would tell her that you are looking for more active playdates. When she tries to wear you down. Do not repeat yourself. Politely listen and don't say anything else. Good luck. Jan