Wfeeling like I've Failed My Kids by Doing Too Much for Them...

I have done what you've done. It seems so busy in their school years to get this done but other people do it! I just recently realized my first son will be gone in 4 short years. I've committed myself to teaching him this summer. He already knows what's coming. He will have room clean/beds made. He will be helping me cook and clean after dinners. After he is in the groove, he will cook the entire meal. He already budgets so I'm okay there. Just start where you are. School will be out shortly and you can make up considerable ground this summer. Make a plan...

Even though you kids are busy they need to learn how to pick up after themselves and clean their room. Laundry is very important. Don't feel guilty just let them start doing more for themselves. Good luck!!

Ditto, Kim O, I've sent two boys away to college so far without either ever having done a single load of laundry (and the like). They're thriving (at the end of their 4th and 2nd year).

I don't think a kid needs to spend their childhood practicing to be an adult. General personal maintenance is not rocket science. When they have to do it they will, whether they're 7 or 17 (as was the case of my boys).

Instead, I think what teaches responsibility is modeling it, and that I've done consistently.

Your daughter is already showing she has a lot of self respect and can handle responsibility.

:)

Don't you know by now that according to EVERYONE, all OTHER kids are SO much more accomplished than yours? Sheesh

Wonder if they can rock a Pom Pom? Or ace a test on the fly?

Chin up. They'll get it.

M.-

I have 7 kids...5 of whom are either IN college, or have graduated.

College is a learning ground for MOST kiddos. That is why there are 'meal plans' and residence halls (with laundry rooms for them to practice).

My kids were VERY active before leaving home. I did not focus as much as I should have maybe on some practical skills...BUT...THEY ARE FINE!!

In fact, without all of their sibs around, I am sure they ALL are doing a better job for themselves as *I* ever did!! lol

Cleaning/laundry/cooking...none are 'rocket science'!!

I would never give up the choices made to keep them active academically and with their 'activities'.

They were (are) busy as teens...lacked some sleep sometimes...BUT...five of the seven have managed wonderfully well.

I expect no less from the last 2 here at home full time.

You 'done' good!!!

Women love to brag on the chores their kids do, I guess they think it makes them look like a better disciplinarian.

I don't feel I need to give my kids a list of chores to feel better about myself as a mother. If I ask them to do something they better get to it but otherwise no chores in our house.

Fact is it doesn't make for better kids, more responsible, any of those claims. It just makes you feel like you have something to brag about as a parent, low hanging fruit and all that.

Two of my kids are adults, their places are spotless, their clothes are cleaned and ironed. They have never forgotten anything important. Here is the funny part, in college their biggest frustration was roommates that couldn't do a darn thing unless they were told, or were given a list. So yeah, my no chore kids had to make lists for the chore kids because apparently they can't look at a pigsty and realize it needed to be cleaned, someone needed to tell them that.

So don't worry about your choreless kids, they will be fine. :)

Oh and my kids did all the sports, all the activities. That helped them more in college than laundry. They actually knew how to keep on top of their homework, much better life skill than reading the labels of their clothes.

Oh, sorry I keep adding but I also want to point out cooking was never a chore but they loved helping. Just based on some of the questions I have read I would bet my 13 year old is a better cooks than some moms here. All of those skills from just watching me cook so you don't need chores to get this across to your kids. They just learn on their own and really they pick up more that if you forced them via 'chores'.

Meh, I will shut up now, just don't beat yourself up over chores.

All I can offer is that I was on the receiving end of that sort of parenting. My mom did it most herself, because she was so inclined, and didn't have the patience/ time to teach us (also I think she wanted it done to a certain standard and in a certain manner and couldn't bear it being done otherwise).

After a few loads of pink laundry, some burned steaks, and some bounced checks, we learned well enough how to take care of these things on our own.

If you mean to effect a change in this arena though you can. Your kids are old enough to be easily teachable. It's 5 minutes to wipe down a bathroom, and 5 to sort and put on a load of laundry, 5 to scrub the pots and pans, 5 to inventory the kitchen and make a food shopping list. If you think it's too big an imposition/ change for all involved, just pick one job a month to introduce.

Best,
F. B.

Maybe I'll feel like you do someday but I actually PLAN to do what you have. My kids are younger but my mom did all that for me. I can't stand the whole - you have to teach your kids chores or they won't be able to function as adults. BS. My sister and I didn't do a lot of chores except dry the dishes or help wash sometimes yet somehow my house is one of the cleanest and most organized in the neighborhood. Same for my sister. We think my mother taught by example. Instead of dumping all these chores on us, we saw her always busy, working hard, keeping a nice house, doing for us so we could excel in school and now we emulate that with our kids. I don't see how most kids can maintain grades and extracurriculars with 2 hours of chores a day or even an hour. Your daughter is already only getting 6 hours of sleep. Where is the leeway? Some how I got to college and could do laundry. Let's face it. Laundry is not that hard... Cooking? There's time for that. Kids eat in the cafeteria in college anyway. My mother always said her job was to cook and keep the house. Mine was to get good grades. I am grateful. She enabled me to be less stressed so I could focus on school and sports and that led to an excellent college and great career. Oh - I learned to mow the lawn summers in college. Again - not that hard a thing to learn... If your son is slacking, that's different but he's also a 14 year old boy. Sounds typical. I know some kids are able to maintain straight A's in honors classes, volunteer, play sports and help a ton at home. Those are super kids in my opinion. I don't think I have super kids. Some people are born with unbelievably high energy and ambition. So unless you have those kids, I think making time for them to focus on their lives now is a blessing. I wasn't one of those kids. If I knew I had an hour of chores to do, I'd have rushed my homework more. I also look back and am glad I had a fun childhood. Kids I know whose mothers made them do a lot of chores so they could relax mostly resent their moms now. I know one who doesn't even speak to her mom.

M., please don't beat yourself up over this! Does it help to know that your kids' schedules and the resulting fact that they don't cook meals each week or do all their own laundry are pretty normal things these days? Please know that they WILL be OK.

My daughter is 13, and between a rigorous school, lots of homework, an academic extracurricular that takes up three to 10 hours each week for most of the school year AND four dance classes plus rehearsals each week -- like your daughter, she is too busy for us to do "Let's cook dinner together tonight" or "If you don't do your own laundry it stays dirty" or "Mow the lawn or we'll take away X" stuff. And you know what? I feel at times like you do here -- like I should be training her more on these "life skills." But she is gaining other skills that right now are MORE important! She is learning how to organize her time; set priorities in her many school assignments; incorporate dance classes into school days; and make choices -- she knows she cannot do every club or class or event she'd like to do, so she must make choices. That's not something all kids are able to handle.

Those are all life skills too, and when she gets to college, she must be able to set academic priorities and use time wisely --that is even more critical in college than cooking or even, yes, laundry. Cooking can be self-taught with recipes, laundry directions are on the washer and the detergent, but only experience can teach her to study effectively or write well or organize her time.

In the summers we do more with cooking together because it's fun, and she does a lot more chores in summer and at break times. She does appreciate what I do around the house, and I don't do every little thing for her. She does not take for granted that clothes get cleaned or food appears -- she knows better and she actually LIKES to help whenever she can, and is very involved in cleaning her room especially. But you and I both need to keep in perspective that our kids are involved in activities they love and activities that are teaching them to be ready for college and life beyond college. The home maintenance and other tasks are far more easily learned and will come to them quickly.

In our family, my grandmother did all the cooking and didn't like help so nobody formally taught me to cook before college. I did some of my laundry but not all of it; I didn't mow the lawn but sure knew how to buy groceries. I knew fairies weren't doing those things that I did not do for myself, but I also wasn't told "You need to learn X and Y so you can cope as an adult." My mom trusted that I was paying enough attention to figure it out, and I did just fine in college and beyond.

I was exactly like your daughter in high school. I didn't have time to do anything (plus, my mother did it all, so who was I to complain) ;-) Being the smart, high achiever she is - I have every confidence that she will be able to figure out simple life things like laundry, cooking, etc.

I also do not subscribe to the "chores" notion. I am the homemaker and I feel that the running of the home is my responsibility. The difference is, that if I need help and I ask the kids to assist (i.e. mommy is busy doing 300 things right now, please unload the dishwasher and put the dishes away), I expect it to happen and that they will be able to complete a task when instructed to do so. So, as long as your children are capable of doing life tasks, it doesn't matter if they do them all the time on a schedule.

Don't be so hard on yourself. My mom was just like you with me and my sister and we are both doing just fine. My sister is a pharmacist who works at a large university hospital and I am an attorney, happily married with a kid and maintaining a full-time job.

My mom was also a homemaker and she didn't really force me to do anything, maybe just clean my room once in a while. I cooked/baked in high school but only because I was interested in it. I didn't do a single load of laundry until I went to college. My mom actually discouraged me from helping with the dishes because she wanted me to spend that time to finish my homework or study for the SATs. I helped with household chores when I felt like it. I mainly focused on school work and extracurricular activities.

When I went to college, the fact that my mom didn't teach me these things or force me to help out with chores did not put me at a disadvantage in anyway. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure out how to work the washer/dryer or follow a recipe (and these days, you can learn anything and everything by watching You Tube). Your daughter seems smart enough to realize that she shouldn't spend more than she has. She sounds bright and will figure out all these things on her own, although it couldn't hurt to teach her some of these things before she leaves home.

As for your son, it sounds like you already know what he needs -- some tough love. He should learn to be more organized so he's not always misplacing/forgetting things. You have a lot more time with your son before he goes off to college. It's not too late!

Guilt can be a way we tell ourselves that we know something has to change. Your children are still children. Maybe now is the time to rethink your past decisions and see if there are any changes you want to make to next year's schedule.

Life is only a race if you make it one. Otherwise, it can be a lazy afternoon enjoying the daffodils. It's what you make it. So with the little time left with your kids, what do you want to make it?

I agree with the others that you are not failing them about the skills....as your children seem smart enough to figure it out when necessary.

I do however, think you may be failing them by not giving them time to be kids. Unstructured time, where life is not dictated by a clock, what they have to do next, the next performance, the next game, the next project, etc. The rest of their life will be like that. I know some kids thrive off of that, but they need to learn how to slow down. That pace cannot be held forever.

Nothing is set in stone and you can make changes. I know far too many adults whose parents never taught them basic life skills. They function okay but are often mystified by simple things.
In my opinion all adults should know:
how to make meals, mostly timing, what to start first etc.
how to clean a room, I always dust things higher up first and work my way down, then vacuum
laundry, sorting and temps for water and dryer
basic car care, checking fluid levels (where and how to add), tire pressure
lawn and yard care

None of this is difficult but very worthy to learn. I have known people who ruined brand new cars because they didn't know basics. I know people who have serious health issues because they rarely eat fresh foods, just re-heat canned or frozen processed foods.

About your son forgetting things, sit down with him and make lists. You can easily do it in word or excell, print off as needed, add or subtract items as needed. Hand him the list tell him to check off items as he packs them.

Teaching your children basics is a form of showing love.

I guess my thought on this is that yes, they CAN drop activities. If they have no time to learn how to do laundry or cook, which are skills they need to have in college, then something has to give! They also need time to sleep. That is important, even for teenagers, because their brains are not done developing yet. Of course, every kid wants to be in every activity there is, but I think by this point, they should choose the 1-2 things they really want to do, and let the rest go. Look, I get it, my kids are a bit younger, but even so, the older one does ballet 2+ hours per day. But that's ALL she does, because otherwise we can't have any kind of family life. To me, it's important that kids learn to function as family members who pull their own weight (age-appropriate), because these are the foundations for when they have their own families. To me, it's not reasonable to assume that they will grow up and have servants to do their laundry, cook their meals, do their shopping, develop a budget, balance their checkbooks, clean their bathrooms, and so on. These are life skills, and they only have until college to learn this from us. After that, they're pretty much on their own, and the first semester of college is overwhelming enough without having to figure out all of those life skills on their own as well.

I know it's hard to tell your kids to drop an activity, but if they are as busy as you say and are getting so little sleep, I think you should probably encourage them to choose quality over quantity. Pick one activity they love and want to focus on, and just do that. Fill in some volunteer work around that, and there you go. Life doesn't have to be completely over-scheduled in order to be worth living, and if they don't learn that now, they're in for a world of hurt all their adult lives.

I think everybody's routine and skills varies based on the life they lead, and the life the had while they were growing up.

I can tell you that I grew up with a VERY entitled mother, who just expects everyone to do everything else for her. And when my dad (or others) aren't there...the responsibility then falls on me. Stuff like pumping gas. She has never done it for herself....until I forced her. Like carrying her own suitcases on trips, etc... Stuff like that.
I personally refuse to be like that. I hated it growing up. My dad - maybe because he didn't want to live with 2 of us - made sure that he taught me how to be self sufficient from an early age. And it stuck. To this day, I'd rather learn to do something for myself rather than ask others for help. That's a last resort.
And I am passing that to my kids. You want something? Go get it. Not sure how to do something (that I feel is age appropriate)...let's learn how to do it. Next time I won't help you.

So for me, it's all about what I was raised with. And I'll be honest. I'm lazy. I don't WANT to get up 10X to go get someone a cup of water. Or a paper towel, etc... :)

Summer time is a great time to catch up on these things. My SD moved in with us when she was 13 and didn't know how to do anything due to a combination of apartment living, neglect, and her mother doing things in a way that was convenient for her (e.g. it was easier for her mother to go shopping without the kids so my SD at age 13 didn't know what size underwear or shoes she wore). That summer I took the weekly zone lists from flylady and had the two oldest kids (13 at the time) tackle the deep cleaning lists every week. They learned how to clean light fixtures (eew there are bugs in there LOL), clean ceiling fans (this is gross!), wash windows, clean baseboards, vacuum lampshades and drapes, clean and organize the kitchen cabinets, shampoo carpets, etc indoors. We decided not to hire a yard service for spring cleaning and now pick a weekend in the spring for family yard work...we rent a power washer and both big kids take turns washing the pool deck and walk ways, my oldest son uses a pole pruner to help prune the trees, they both weed whack and mow the lawn, they help remove the pool cover and set up the filter (something I learned how to do), rake, weed, lay down seed and fertilizer, etc.

My point is...it's not too late. Part of raising children is preparing them for all parts of life. It is not your job as a homemaker to do everything. It's great that they have activities that keep them busy, that they enjoy and excel in but that doesn't mean that during the summer, when things slow down, they can't give you a couple of weekends and an hour a day of work.

When you have parties, enlist their help and let them know that they are expected to clear their schedules the day before (or at least half the day) and the day of to help you clean, cook, serve and clean up. They'll learn a lot by participating in prep for holidays and parties.

Let go of the guilt and realize that this, too, is part of your *and your husband's) job as a parent. Be proud knowing that your kids won't be the ones in their first dorm or apartment who don't have a clue as to how to cook, clean, and care for themselves. Decide what basic skills you think they need, make a list, and teach them.

Eh. I feel like it is important to teach these things young, but I certainly wouldn't say you failed your kids by not teaching them. For me, it's more the habit and caring for themselves than preparing them for he future. (Plus, I am going to school, and husband works full time... I don't have time to maintain the house all by myself.)

The fact that 7 year olds (and teens) can do these things just goes to show that it really isn't that hard to do.... So it's not like they are going to struggle for life trying to load the washer because they didn't start young.

I remember when I was living in a dormitory while in job training for the Air Force. I was approached several times by girls who did to know how to iron their uniforms, or even run the washer. It's funny, because after showing them once or twice, they never really needed help again. (It's not exactly rocket science. Lol.) I had never mowed the lawn before (with 9 brothers, go figure. Lol.) yet when I got my own place, I was able to figure out the mower and did the lawn all by myself.

Cooking is the one thing I do think needs to be taught at home though... It's harder to teach yourself and is one of hose things that gets better the more you do it.

Our son is 15 and does taekwondo, band and archery.
He does his own laundry (I told him when I taught him that he is NOT going off to college as a laundry virgin), takes out trash, makes his bed, cleans his room, vacuums, loads dirty dishes into the dishwasher and puts clean dishes away, he knows how to make omelets and French toast and a few other dishes.
I'm teaching him to clean his bathroom next.
Dad's taught him how to use a chain saw and power washer (cuts down trees and washes front/back porches in the spring and siding in the summer).
He's going to be a well rounded human being by the time we're done raising him and I'm not a household drudge/slave to anyone.

I grew up in a household where we had a housekeeper/cook/live-in nanny (we weren't wealthy, it's just a cultural thing where I grew up as a foreigner). I vacuumed my room *once* when I was in High School (for the novelty of it). When I went off to college, I didn't know how to do laundry, etc. I could barely fold a t-shirt. I couldn't cook, I had no clue what running a household meant. But I also was extremely active in sports and other activities and kept my grades up. I also barely got enough sleep at night because of the hectic schedule. I wasn't required to lift a finger around the house, and I never did. I was not spoiled, I was very respectful of everyone, generally a good and well-liked kid, never gave my parents any trouble and I knew to try to be helpful at my best friend's house, where they DID do chores. Chores were just never expected of my at MY house.

But I learned pretty fast how to do all of the above once it became necessary. I taught myself how to cook as a young married woman, as well as keep house. Now, in my late early 40s (I am NOT yet in my MID 40s, darn it!), I keep house like a champ. We've got a well-oiled machine, a tightly-run ship over here. I learned the necessities when it was necessary. Growing up, my room was messy on occasion, but now, my house is tidy at all times.

I don't require chores of my kids, either. I've shown them how to do stuff here and there and sometimes I'll say "Kate, done with homework? Ok, good, please unload the dishwasher." And she will. Or they'll ask for lunch and I'll just say "Check the fridge, help yourself to whatever's in there and while you're at it, make something for your sister as well." There's no set chore schedule. They just help a bit as I need it. And I'm not worried. Someday, when they have their own places, they'll find it necessary to learn the skills...and I'm confident they will, just like I did.

I would rather they focus on their grades, activities, and relationships. I'm very strict on certain things, but chores aren't one of them.

You did kind of fail them by not teaching them the basic life skills that every adult needs to know. Turn it into a project over the summer where you teach them laundry, cleaning, cooking, finances, and basic life skills.

My kids knew how to do laundry by the time they were in jr high and could clean and run the vacuum. They could sew on a button and hem a pair of pants. They knew how credit cards worked and understood how to save for something they wanted vs buy something that was needed. They've always watched me cook and helped in the kitchen. Now that they are adults they pitch in to learn the family recipes that go along with each of the holiday meals.

Our job as parents isn't to make life easy for our children. No one in the world is going to make life easy for them. It's up to us to prepare them for doing things for themselves and figuring out how to problem solve once we're not around to assist them daily.

I share this concern. Children today know even less than we did as a child. It's alarming and concerning at the same time. We vow to be harder, leaner, more strict, less strict-all fueled by guilt and the intangible...our fond memories of our youth. You really don't want them to miss out on their fun times because you are proof how fast it goes. The other coin is parents who make good money, had a rough childhood, and want better for their own child. The other issue is the time suck activities we would rather do. Social media, cable tv, internet...the things that enable us also DISable us too. We are raising smarter kids on paper, but none of them will be able to actually know how to "do" anything. Look at the latest news on the new SAT standards, the writing part of it is going away. They are dumbing down the tests so that it is more equal and "fair". Funny, I used to think a bachelors degree was something BIG, today it's just not that big of a deal. We can make excuses for our own comfort, but in the end, it's still a lie. Knowing how to care for themselves-cooking, cleaning, managing money, changing a tire...life skills"-That IS what helps you to survive in the world. Look at it another way. I work in healthcare, at a teaching facility. I am around tons of baby doctors. Do you know what the latest trend is with your future medical care providers? It's knowing how to fill out forms and turn on auto pilot. They stand at the door instead of actually doing an assessment and listening to the patients. They refuse to listen to us "older and pathetic" non-doctor types because it's all about status and arrogance. They want to hurry and rush because they can't WAIT to go do whatever they want to do. If you can't imagine I'm right, look around the next time you or a loved one go to a hospital. They are an entitled generation because we've told them it's okay to be. The problem lies with when they are the one's driving the wheel in society. Don't expect that they (generation) will sacrifice anything for you (our generation). They won't know how to sacrifice because we have never made them feel like they need to.

Um, you are not a failure. Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job! Teaching a child to do their own laundry is invaluable though. They can do it on the weekend. In the summer, once a week we do a thing called "Kid's Cook Night." Our 3 girls plan out the menu and cook the family dinner. I supervise. But it's all their choice. They've made salads and wraps, cooked sausage and rice, spaghetti, tacos, etc, They love making fruit salad. And they have fun doing it. They work as a team.

One of the hardest things about being a parent is comparing your style to others. So, don't worry about what others are doing. We're all different and that's okay.

Um, your kids are very busy. They have a stay at home mom, who has the time to do the chores.

Your kids sound like they are very busy and they are doing well in school. Why do you think you need to burden them with chores? And when is your daughter supposed to have time for those chores? I don't think she should get any less sleep than she's already getting.

Your kids will learn how to clean and do laundry when they move out. I did all the chores when I was a SAHM, and in return I expected my kids to do well in school and get jobs.

They figure it out when they move out. My daughter, who never lifted a finger at home (but did have jobs and great grades), is somehow the cleanest of all her roommates. My son is still at home and still a slob, but he's off to one of the best universities in the country this fall.

It will be fine, don't sweat it. Like Theresa said, it's not rocket science.

Ha! When our kids are perfect, we can tell you what to do. That's not ever happened, no matter what people write!

When my kids were younger, we cooked together. They learned to read and follow a recipe. Give your smart kids a recipe and tell them to go for it when they have a spare moment. It might be an experience they look forward to.

They both learned to clean a bathroom and if I needed them to, they did it. Neither made up a bed unless made to. (I didn't till I got married).

I made both boys do their own laundry Senior year, no matter how busy it got. Senior year is less busy than 11th grade. Mistakes were made. Oh well. I don't make them sort. Use a color catcher. By the time the went to college, they had it down.

If you do Fly lady, you will understand that there are BOs (born organizers) in the world and people who could not be turned into one if you gave them a clipboard and a feather duster in the womb! I think it's funny that people think they MADE their kids into BOs. BOs cant take someone who's not and change their nature or even teach them how it's done. It can be taught by someone like fly lady who is not a BO and yet figured it out.

The best I could to is to work in survival skills as the need presented its self. Be aware of pockets of time. You have the time left to do it. Now is the time for them to try and fail and then succeed because you are there to explain it.

My boys (19 & 23) can cook more and better than most girls they meet today. But oh boy, they exceed in ignoring messes! They get better as they age but neither will ever be a BO. I'm not either. H is. We've made it work for 27 yrs. I reckon they will survive!

Honestly, I think your kids are learning life skills, just not the same ones as other kids. I just sent my oldest off to college, he knows how to do his laundry, sew, knit, vacuum, shovel, rake leaves, do dishes by hand, and other household cleaning tasks. But he hated sports, was kind of a loner, and I worry so much that he will just sit in his room and not get out to meet people. A total brainiac, he never did well in school (he's going to school for welding) and is very creative. But the last year he was home, he was like my "housewife" and learned everything he needed to learn to live on his own (and he's on his own, not in a dorm).

I guess because my kids didn't play sports their life skills are different from your kids', but it doesn't mean that your kids won't fare well out in the world. It just means they will use the skills THEY learned to figure it all out. Don't worry so much :)

What are their summers like?

This is the time for some chores, and learning the skills to go to college and be able to take care of themselves.

Making beds, washing their own clothing, folding them, shopping at a grocery store, knowing how to plan, prepare and clean up a meal.
How to mow a lawn. How to repair some things. How to get stains out of clothing. How to shop with a budget.

We have a very dear friend that was VERY active daughter, Always her choice. Her mom was always worried about how this child keeping up with everything and waiting for her to burn out or break down. She said, sometimes, I feel like I am her "personal assistant" (this woman is an Attorney for the State f Texas). It helped a lot when her daughter started driving!

I reminded this mom that this is who this child is. Her job was going to be to guide her daughter to admit, when it was getting to be too much, or if her grades were slipping, or if she began to not feel well or not look well. .

Here is her Senior year in HS that I know of.
She was the Band Major
Class President (had been class president since 8th grade)
Duties - Homecoming Dance
Homecoming Court (remember she was the Band Major that night also, she had to run and change into her dress after Conducting the band performance! )
Fund raisers - designed the Senior tshirt and organized the sales
Came up with the Senior Prank (she set up a dunking booth in the Senior Parking lot with snow cones and popcorn with live music on a school day!
Arraigned PROM

Was in her own Band

Worked at a Yogurt place and another place, but I cannot recall where.

Top 10 in her class of 500.
National Honor Society
Varsity Volleyball
Team Softball
Tutored /Mentored a Middle school kid
Student Council

Applied to Stanford, University of Texas and NYU, accepted to all.

There is more, but it has been 5 years now.. She is in Grad School at NYC has 2 jobs AND is starting a Website for Korean Musicians (She spent a year in Korea while in college)

Some kids thrive on this. They can get so many things done and they keep on doing it for years. She says she does not feel stressed, she feels energized.

Yes, she takes care of her apt (I heard it is super tiny) and all of her on upkeep.

Hold on mom, you have children that want and seem to be able to do it all. This is what they are good at. You just make sure they are healthy happy and keeping up with their school work. In between you can teach them how to take care of themselves.

I don't think you are alone. My kids are younger but I see this happening to others and beginnign with me.... trying to limit my 6 and 7 year old to ONE activity at a time, but easier said than done. I still think at this age your kids are more flexible than you think. Maybe look at the activities as ways to spend time together - cooking, sorting laudry etc... vs. just chores. Maybe ask them what they want to cut back on for more time to just "be". never too late to start... many adults are in the same boat.... me included!!!! don't be hard on yourself and enjoy them still - while home!

I bet you could teach most of the skills in just a couple of days over the summer.

Actually, reading that same post helped me to see that I probably could be expecting more from my own kids (5 & 7 1/2). I'm starting to formulate a bit of a routine for our summer. I'm not going to try to do too much are change their lives overnight, but I think it would be good for me to make small changes over the summer to help them learn some skills.

My mom did everything for us. We knew how to do things - cook, clean, do our own laundry - but it wasn't required. Well, my brother and sister and I are slobs. We all own too much stuff and hate cleaning. Love my mom dearly, but looking back I wish she had expected more from us.

We have similar stuff in our house. We did/do very basic "chores" here. Son has been taking out the kitchen garbage since he was in about 4th grade... that doesn't really take any time. Its a 3 minute job that he can fit in when he is here without interfering with study time or TV time or whatever. Weekly, the trash/recycle goes to the curb once a week, on the same day. Same story: it takes 3 minutes and it's done. BUT, it does teach him responsibility in the running of the household.

They put away their own clothes. I will wash/dry and fold them... but that's it. And often, they will move stuff from one machine to the next, or help fold towels (if they are here when I am doing it). But not every time.
They have both learned to do their own thing in the kitchen--which to me, is as big if not bigger than the other household stuff.

If your daughter is that motivated (and my daughter is on the same path, sounds like) then she will figure out the laundry and everything else when she has to. I did. I didn't do any of that stuff growing up. But I make my own laundry soap now. I also learned to cook and clean, and make small clothing repairs with a needle and thread--none of which I learned growing up.

My son does help mow the lawn (well, right now the mower is at the shop).. and has since he was probably 9 or 10. Started with small areas of the yard and moved on from there. 15-20 minutes a pop. If you are paying a service then yeah... that isn't going to happen at your house. Our daughter poop scoops, and son mows. They both have been taught how to use the edger.

The thing with your daughter is that she is already highly organized (or she would be behind and making errors in all the stuff she already does), and so she will figure the rest out and prioritize as she needs to.
Take a weekend over the summer and show them how to scrub toilets, clean mirrors, etc.
Have them put their dishes in the dishwasher after meals. It doesn't take more than 30 seconds. Once they get into the habit, then they can help put the table things away (salad dressing, left over food, etc). Before you know it, they will have it down to a 5 minute job to clean up after dinner.
That 5 minutes doesn't take away from study time or down time, really.

But as for having them do all the household cleaning stuff on a regular basis? Not in my house. I feel like a lot of today's kids have more pressure on them than I did as a child/teen... in the realm of academics. And I know they don't get the same amount of sleep as I did, because of the bus schedule they have. They spend more time at or on their way to school than I ever did. So I get the "guilt" you are talking about.
However, I draw the line at cleaning up after themselves. If son leaves a mess, he gets called back to take care of it.
We periodically (once every other week or something) do a "15 minute clean" where we set a timer and just clean whatever/put away whatever we see needs to be done for 15 minutes--all of us at one time. It's amazing what you can accomplish that way.
Running the vacuum doesn't take but a few minutes... the time consuming part is picking up so that things don't get sucked up into it! So while my kids rarely vacuum (it isn't really a skill), they DO have to pick up (their shoes, socks, books, dog toys, etc) so that I can do it.

Don't feel bad. Just be sure you do at least show them how to do things once or twice, and encourage them to learn how to do for themselves when you can. There really is no need to be a drill sergeant about it. Now, if they sit around from the time they get home at 4 pm until they go to bed, daily, and do nothing but whatever they want... including on the weekends.. I would say, yeah. You might want to up the responsibility factor. But if they are busy daily and doing something with themselves and their lives besides being a cough potato or gaming freak... then you (and they) will be fine in the long run.
--
Just read Kim O's response. She's spot on!

I feel 100% like you. The only difference is, my kids are younger (10 & 5) and I work full time outside of the house so the time I do get to get caught up on chores is usually after the kids are in bed. And on the two nights a week that we don't have anything going on, I feel that they should be able to play outside or sit and watch a movie.
BUT...we just have to have faith that we are doing the right thing and that our kids will be fine. My oldest daughter (19) is on her own now and she's doing just fine. She doesn't like to cook but she keeps her apt clean and can go grocery shopping on a budget better than me!

i think this is perfectly balance-able. feeling like a failure is, as i'm sure you know, over the top and over-dramatic. but i'm also not all down with all the posts saying that kids should not be 'burdened' with chores and that it's just fine to let them grow up with nothing but academics and activities.
and a big pppphhhhttttt to the post that suggests that parents who actually do have their kids help out around the home just do it so they can brag about it. no, it's actually because some of us think it's important that kids learn life skills at home, and that these skills are seamlessly woven into 'real life' instead of something that blindsides them as adults.
families are microcosms of society, and some parents feel it's important that each member contribute to the smooth running thereof.
guilt is life-sucking. if your kids are truly so exhausted and stretched thin that there's no room to learn how to check the oil in a car or scrub a toilet or organize a closet, then there's little to gain by feeling guilty about it. if nothing can be dropped from their schedules, the world won't end if they leave home without knowing how to do laundry.
but it's not 'bragging' to say that some of us find these skills as important and worthwhile as tae kwon do. some of us don't think that it's a homemaker's job to do ALL the housework and chores. however, you do, so that's your family dynamic and model.
so why feel guilty about it?
khairete
S.

Hey there. You aren't a failure as a mom. You DO have time to teach your kids to take care of themselves. It's not rocket science.

Start this summer!! You're a stay at home mom so you have flexibility. Number one - DON'T let them stay as busy during the summer as they do during the school year. Instead, tell them that they have morning classes with you, and they may NOT leave the house, have company or do anything they plan until your classes are done.

Sit down starting NOW and put together your lesson plans. For your daughter and son both, housework is the SAME. Both need to know how to wash clothes, hang them up and put them away. Both need to know what BLEACH is used for and what it's NOT used for. Both need to know how to get stains out of their clothes. You have laundry lessons for both of them. They have to watch, THEN DO. Bad behavior or ugly attitudes lose them privileges, like TV, computer, hand held devices. Good behavior gets them great passes to do fun summer things.

Washing dishes - correctly filling a dishwasher. Vacuuming. Knowing when to change the vacuum cleaner filter and bag. Cleaning the bathroom - what cleaning products to use.

Outdoor work. Teaching them the systems of a home, like why we have gutters, for instance. Having them understand what the workers who come to your house are doing, like cleaning the gutters. Changing and cleaning filters for the heater. Stuff like that. When they balk, ask them how they will take care of their own home once they leave you. Ask them who they think takes care of that! Don't let them walk away. MAKE them answer.

Next, cooking classes. Have them help plan meals they want to eat and they have to help shop for the ingredients. Talke about WHY you pick one brand over another. Talk about cost.

Next, car classes. Time to talk about maintenance, insurance, car payments, simple interest loans. SHOW them the math involved in buying on credit. Show them how much a car costs.

Banking is next. Talk about bank fees. Talk about what kind of trouble people can get into with credit cards and timed payments.

You have a whole summer's worth of work here. You need to be prepared and make it INTERESTING. Hands on stuff helps - like the housecleaning. But study stuff can get boring if you don't prepare and plan.

You can do this, mom. The kids will end up appreciating the fact that they know stuff other kids are oblivious to.

I think the best thing I did for my now 24 yr old daughter was talk about money; debt, finances, loans, credit cards, cars, renting, purchasing, saving, lending money to friends, being frugal, etc etc.

For the most part, she did her own laundry starting at 12. At about 16, I tried to have her make dinner once a week. It was super simple (unhealthy) stuff, and didn't happen once a week. Other than that the cleaning was here and there , not the consistency I wanted but her life was busy with school, job, volunteering, and sports. So there wasn't enough time to push chores.

Like your kids, she was a busy teenager. I made sure to let her know what I did around the house and emphasized that ONLY because she is doing xyz, I would cover abc. I'm sure she shrugged it off and didn't fully appreciate me and all I did for her. But the best part is now that she is working and has her own home to take care of, she calls me all the time and tells me how much she NOW appreciates all I did for her and she has no idea how I did it all.

She graduated college and lives on her own. She is a great healthy cook now. She isn't the cleanest girl BUT she makes sure it's clean when I come to visit. Best part is that she hates debt, has a great understanding of money and is a saver rather than a spender.

I'm satisfied how things turned out.

Wow things have changed over the years.

When my kids were little they did chores liking making their beds and taking out the trash. When my son went outside to play after I did 7 loads of laundry and got his play clothes full of mud, dad said it was time for son to learn how to do his own laundry at 9. We lived in base housing overseas and we had a laundry room in the basement with 6 washers and 7 dryers. Son had to do it and has done so ever since. Daughter started her laundry at the same age.

One night at about 8 pm son informed me that he needed cupcakes for a bake sale at school. I told him that since he waited so long he would have to make them. He went out and did them and everyone thought I made them. After that he made them and other items for sales.

We moved to a different housing unit (apartment) this one had laundry equipment in kitchen. Son played football and he did it all. Rinsed the mud out and then proceeded to wash the clothes and get them ready for the next practice or game. He played in the band and was a Boy Scout as well. So he did have his time filled up.

Do teach your son or show him how to manage his time. It will help him in the future. If not, he will learn the hard way when mom can't come to his rescue and bring him something he really needs.

My goal was to make sure that my children were able to cook, clean, wash, iron, sew, and earn a living if possible before leaving home. Now you will have to choose your battles and give up some things to make it work. Everybody needs down time even you. When do you do anything for yourself by yourself? You are a person other than mom in the world.

the other S.

It does not take a rocket scientist to show kids how to do things young and in baby steps. You are preparing your child(ren) for the future to care for themselves and not lean on others for help.

I don't see how this is a bad thing or a good thing. It's not saying my kid is better than yours or your kid is better than mine. People do what works for them in their houses. Patricia G asked what our 7 year old's do, I gave her a list of the things my child does.

All 3 of my kids a re busy in sports, and they still have to help. This is what works in our house. There is no list anywhere, but the kids know what needs done and when it is their turn to take on a certain 5 minute task for the week.

You can teach your kids how to do things little by little, it doesn't have to be all at once. I bet they know how to do a lot already though. It's all basic and simple skills, but they aren't behind. Just let them start taking on some of the tasks and things will fall in to place. You're doing fine.

You are not a failure. They are alive, fed, and clothed. Your goals for your children are not everyone else's. My family is very busy too. We balance (as a family) going to Tae Kwon Do about 3-4 times a week, then there is clubs after school, extra band practice, so on.

I am however lucky enough to be blessed with children who want to learn the house things. My 13 yr old son can cook a meal for my family, he can do laundry, he can also knit, he is now learning how to mend clothes. My daughter (9) learning how to cook currently, she helps sort the laundry. Above all they have daily chores they do, clean bathroom, take out garbage, pick up dog doo, sweep floors, so on. Kids now days are not expected to do as many things as before.

My suggestion, is make a list of what you feel is important for your children to know when they leave the home. Bit by bit teach them those life skills that you feel are important.

Don't feel guilty, they have very busy schedles. Sounds like you did a fine
job. It's not like you're killing yourself doing all of the chores & they are
just sitting on the internet or phone all day!

Just give them some basic knowledge now before they head off to college
-how to make simple pasta w/red sauce
-how to boil an egg or make Top Ramen
-tell them to save their money, put it in the bank, get certificates, get high
yield interest paying savings accts etc.
-teach them about overdraft fees so they won't learn the hard way
-tell them how to use a credit card responsibly & pay the bill on time
-show them how to budget
-teach them safety (do not pick up hitch hikers, don't trust everyone they
meet, don't walk to your car at dark w/on the phone unaware & your
head down, park in well lit areas etc.).
-tell them if they break down to lock the doors & call a tow service
-show them how to do a load of laundry or two on a weekend just so they
have a basic idea
-tell them to pick up basic things at the store & they can eat fairly
inexpensively at home or in the dorm (bread, milk, lunchmeat, cheese,
soup etc.).
-tell them to always have $20 in cash in case they need it
-send them off to college w/a laminated emergency list (how to help
someone if they are choking, what to do in a fire etc.). You can buy them
at bookstores or online if you can't find a brick & mortar bookstore left.