Chores for 14 Y/o.

They do the chores or they get no money from me. If it keeps up, I do not pay for boy scouts trip, football, baseball or basketball.

Your problem is not your son. It's your husband. Your son is modeling what he sees. The strongest role model in a child's life is the same-sex parent or same-sex close relative. Is your son getting the idea that you live and breathe to serve you husband? That there are no consequences for your husband? Does he think that all women play the role of housemaid, cook, laundress? He will be in for a rude awakening in 10 years, but that doesn't help you now.

In normal households (where fathers actually don't draw gender lines), the consequences for not doing chores arise automatically when the child needs or wants something. The kid wants a ride to the mall? No - the bed isn't made. The kid wants an allowance? No, he did not fulfill his role in the household. The kid wants expensive sneakers? No, he did not take out the trash.....you get the idea.

Normal chores include taking out trash, clearing the dishes or setting the table, mowing the lawn, walking the dog, carrying in and putting away groceries, doing his own laundry, and picking up his own room. Decide what you really want - maybe you can give up on making his bed since it's in an area that visitors don't see, and get him to help with daily family chores -- that's up to you, but if you are willing to negotiate, that helps.

You can immediately stop doing everyone's laundry - when they run out of clothes, they will do their own. Don't pick up after them, as much as it drives you crazy to find your husband's socks on the bedroom floor. But that's up to you - I don't know the basis on which your marriage was founded or if there are cultural attitudes at work vs. just bad habits. But I think you need to figure out your role with your husband, and then your son will fall into line a little more easily. Teens typical resist and it's not easy, but the problem is that your husband will not support you in this right now, and so you have divided parental opinions. Kids figure that out right away. If you don't give your son an allowance, but your husband does, you have no leg to stand on.

Good luck.

I am sorry for your predicament, but a 14 year old, male or female, can do EVERYTHING necessary to keeping up a home except driving to the store to get groceries. Make a bed, clean up the room and put things away, sweep, vacuum, wash and dry dishes, mop floors, clean toilets, scrub showers, do laundry and put it away, do yard work, put groceries away, help prepare meals, help clean the garage...everything.

My 3 year old has chores, he puts his dirty dishes in the sink, his dirty clothes in his hamper, he puts his toys away, helps pick up trash outside, and brings a bag or item in when we've gone grocery shopping. As he gets older I will add more chores, it's his responsibility in being a part of a family.

It doesn't matter if no one else did anything in the home, HE is responsible for himself and his surroundings, I want him to grow up to be a responsible, self-sufficient contributing member of society. There is no way I would have waited until he was 14 to start, by then he would be too lazy and think the world owed it to him to take care of him. If he rebels down the road against doing what is expected from him he will have consequences...no TV, no electronics, early to his bedroom after dinner, cancelled privileges no matter how much he's been looking forward to them...whatever it will take to get his attention.

I realize your husband is not on board with helping out or encouraging your sons to, myself I would forge ahead with or without his help. Think about it, in four years your 14 year old will be old enough to go off to college or go into the world on his own. Who will take care of him and clean up after him then? I know of 20 year olds who've been kicked out of apartments for their laziness by those their same age who grew up being responsible, there's really no way he will escape this down the road, and finding a wife who will take it, ha! Well, I guess there are some, but not many.

IF I were in your shoes i would tell my sons it doesn't matter what daddy doesn't do, their jobs are to help out in the home, regardless, and set consequences for non-compliance.

I can only answer what MY 14 yr old son does. Not the rest. Because my husband insists on our son helping more than I tend to do. He is pro-active in getting our kids involved in helping out at home.

My son:
keeps up/cleans his room
changes his sheets
empties the trash (as needed, he is the only one who takes it out from the kitchen to outside)
takes the trash/recycle to the street on trash day
helps mow the lawn (and edge as needed)
helps pressure wash the driveway
cleans the grill before we use it for grilling dinner
helps bring in groceries anytime I come home with them
sets the table or fixes drinks/glasses (he and his sister alternate doing which parts, but they both are expected to do this together)
clears the dinner dishes (or at a minimum, his own place setting area), cleans the table itself after the dishes are cleared
loads the dishwasher
empties the dishwasher
folds towels and clothes
puts away his own clothes

The above list is just his typically expected duties (usually kitchen clean up is a whole family event, though, not just him alone). He also does whatever else we ask him or tell him to do (like vacuum the floor, clean the bathroom, vacuum out the car, etc).

But he didn't just wake up at 14 and start doing this stuff. He started carrying out the trash when he was about 8 yrs old, and it has gradually grown from there. Same with his sister. She actually went outside last Monday morning and my husband was teaching her how to mow the lawn also. because she wanted to learn---she is 11).

At 14, they are 4 years away from being an adult.
They are capable of doing just about everything.
We don't do allowances.
Everyone (me, Dad, and son - all of us) helps because that is the price of living here.
Our son takes out trash and recycling and takes the cans to/from the curb on collection days.
He loads dirty dishes into the dishwasher and puts the clean dishes away.
He makes his bed.
He brings in groceries and helps put them away.
He helps with cooking and he's learning to do laundry and clean his own bathroom.
He helps wash the cars and boat inside and out.
He helps me with planting and weeding the garden, and with harvesting veggies.
He does not get to use his computer every day, and he asks to turn the tv on.
He has no game systems and we just got him a basic phone this year (for calling/texting us - not friends).
His favorite reward is a trip to the bookstore (we just went), and for straight A's, I never tell him 'No' at the book store.
Our son started with chores when he was 6, and we just keep introducing new ones as he gets older.
Try getting some outside activities that take you away from the house (yoga or craft class, etc) and back off on serving everyone all the time.
When they want something done, they are going to have to start doing it and if it didn't get done - then they chose to sit there and let that happen.
They will be angry that 'the maid' is off duty, but if you want to change this, you are going to have to nudge some people out of their comfort zone.

My son is 16.

Since he was 8 he has been in charge of seeing to the dog(s) needs.
Cleaning his room, taking out trash, and cleaning his bathroom.
Since he was 12 he does all of the above plus his own laundry
At 14 he did all of the above and became responsible for mowing the lawn.

We split washing dishes, sweeping, mopping, and other general housekeeping duties. He goes grocery shopping with me so he understands the cost of food and shopping on a budget - in fact, he is better at sticking to the list than I am. LOL

When I had great opposition from him a couple of years ago about housework we solved it by making a chore chart, for both of us, and posting it on the fridge. It outlines both of our duties, split into days of the week, or how often the chore needs to be done. Of course, I included going to work and paying bills on my list, so he would understand the bigger picture.

Unfortunately, though, until your husband is on board, you will continue to face resistance from your son. You can show him the washing machines, etc. and give him instructions on how to do it, then leave it alone. Buy him a clothes hamper for his things only, and simply stop washing his things. Close the door to his room and ignore the un-made bed (really, I do this), etc. Passive resistance to being his maid.

You can also explain to him that these are skills he needs to learn for when he goes to college at there will be no-one to do these things for him then. You have to teach him that although his father is one way, it does not mean that he has to be the same. That wives actually better appreciate a husband that helps out around the house. My son is proud that later, much much later, in his life that he will be able to help his future wife and show off his laundry sorting skills.

Good Luck

"What would you do if you were on my shoes?"

Many of us would not be in your shoes. I would not be wearing them, period. My kids had chores. Even at 3 years old, a child can be putting away the clean tableware. They love sorting at that age. One of the goals of childhood is learning all they need to be an independent, contributing, creative yet responsible, member of the adult community.

There are no "girl chores" vs "boy chores".

Our whole family did chores, cleaning house, every Saturday morning. The children cleaned their rooms, vacuumed, and changed their bedding. The little ones helped my husband and I with their bedding, and came down with whomever to the laundry room. Bathrooms were also cleaned. My husband eventually had to take over vacuuming more because some of us have asthma, and he does not.

We also ALL picked one extra chore from a chore jar that was separated by ability - us adults, little kids, and older kids. These were on bright colored slips of paper and were things that didn't have to be done often, but had to be done once in a while. An example of one of the adult slips was cleaning the living room curtains, which entailed taking them down, laundering, ironing, and putting them back up. An example of a little kid job was to clean the banisters or all the doorknobs. An example of an older kid extra task might be to clean the hood over the stove.

That may sound like a lot, but it really isn't, I guess, especially if that is the way it always has been. And that's it for the weekend chores, other than yard work, and because I love yard work and my husband hates it, I did most of that, with the kids doing things like occasional raking or picking up branches. He would pick up trimmings when I trimmed the hedge... until such a time when I no longer could trim the hedge, now he does that and I help with picking up the clippings.

If my husband didn't help? I would not be living with him. Why in the world would I live with someone who made life harder rather than easier... on purpose!!??!! It is a completely different story if he were bedridden and **could not**.

He's fighting to continue to not do anything.

I bet there are things he enjoys - video games, TV time, a cell phone, time with friends, etc. Loss of those things can be a consequence. "You can't do x til you've done y." We've used that on SD, who is hugely motivated by time with friends. With SS, if he messed up, DH would often take the important cables and parts to his video game console. SS could look at it...but that's it.

This is two-fold. What do you want your son to learn to do for himself (say, when he goes to college?) and what do you need him to do? Would he be less resistant if you sat down and said that not doing chores is no longer an option but THIS is why?

And also, if DH sees household stuff as "women's work" what DOES he do? If he and your son would mow the lawn, take out the trash, walk the dog, etc, would that satisfy both of you? And what do YOU want? Do you want to be the housekeeper or do you want the entire family to work as a team? Maybe sit down with things you want someone else to do and let them choose. You may still need to remind them (SD "forgets" the towels and sheets regularly) but at least THEY agreed so they can only blame themselves. If they don't want to choose, then use pieces of paper and a bowl. Pick three without looking.

At a very basic level, your son can sort, fold and put away his own laundry (bonus - he washes it). He can take out the trash and bring the cans to/from the curb. He can keep his room tidy. He can keep his stuff picked up in the main areas. He can clear/set the table (bonus, load and unload the dishes).

Beyond that, he can do pretty much anything you ask of him.

you've received great advice. I have a 13 y/o son and while we have household help (gardner and cleaning lady) he is required to help take care of the dog (clean up yard, feed, walk, bathe) and help carry in and put away groceries, take out trash and recycling, put away his laundry and set/clear table, load/unload dishwasher.

He is also expected to get good grades and participate in a team sport

The tougher thing is how you justify your new requests and the lack of participation by your spouse. It is my son's understanding that if he would like clean clothes and like to eat, he is expected to do the things listed above. I would suggest just once, NOT allowing him to join you for dinner or NOT doing his laundry if he refuses.

As far as your husband I would merely say, "My responsibility is to raise you to be a good citizen and contributing family member, I am not raising your father" Not need to insert a dig about how someone else failed to do their job ;-)

I would have them on a rotating chore list, so they don't have the same chores all of the time (once a week or every two weeks) and have them help you with: dusting, vacuming, sweeping, taking out the trash & recycling, preparing dinner, cleaning up dinner, dishes, mowing the grass, and cleaning their room would be the one chore that always stays the same. I would do a pay before the jobs switch based on how well they did their chores during that period.

I seriously cannot believe in 14 years youd son has bever done chores, and what is even harder for me to believe is that your husband does not help around the house. Does he do any outside chores or do you do all of those too? I feel sorry for you, that is alot of work are doing. First I would explain to your 14 year old unless he gets off his butt and starts helping around the house he will NOT be receiveing anything from you except for his neccessities, food, water, clothes, ect, Things should not just be given to him they shoule be earned. My 9 and 11 year old take care of the cat and dog poop, clean thier bathroom, vacuum, dust, unload the dishwasher, sweep, mope, heck they do alot! This summer they have had more chores than in the past. When they are in school they are in school I do not espect as much from them and when they have school and sports even less, but there are still things that they do. I DO NOT believe in paying them to help keep up the house, they live here too. I will sometimes offer them $$ to do something for me if they have already completed there chores and I want a little extra help, but that isnt too ofter. We provide them with everything they need and sometimes things they want, but if they cant do for me I wont sdo for them. I hope you can find a way to get your older son on board and probably should start with your younger one before you end up in the sam place a few years down the road. One of our responsibilites as parents is to teach out kids to be able to take careof themselves and grow up to be self sufficiant adults, part of being able to take care of yourself if beingable to take care of your home! GOOD LUCK!

Sunni, I am sorry you continue to struggle with both your son and your husband.
Honestly, when are you going to put your foot down?
It is clear neither of them have any respect for you, and in all of your posts I haven't seen that you have much respect for them either, especially your husband. Your home sounds very unhappy :(
Just because your husband doesn't want to help around the house doesn't mean that your son shouldn't have some basic chores. My teens take out the trash, clean up after the pets and do most of their own laundry. They don't get paid for it. Two of them have part time jobs during the summer, and if they want to earn extra money during the school year we pay them for doing extra work, like washing the cars, cleaning out the garage or pulling weeds and trimming bushes.
Sit down and decide TOGETHER (you and your son) what his chores will be. Let him know if he doesn't do them he will lose privileges, period. Things like cell phone, video games and internet are easily taken away and/or turned off. It's also easy not to drive him anywhere.
Like I said, you need to put your foot down. Your son only acts this way because you allow him to, and you obviously can't count on your husband for any support. You want change? It's up to YOU to make it happen.

#1, talk with your husband. His attitude sucks, and there's no reason you shouldhave to do this alone. #2, prepare for battle. At 14, and having never done chores, it's gonna be tough to start now, but definitely worth it. WAY too many lazy people out there. After you talk with husband and hopefully get him on board, talk with your son and explain to him that since he lives, eats and sleeps in the house, he needs to contribute to the smooth operation of it. There is no reason why one person (you?) should have to do all the work. As far as what he should do, at 14, pretty much anything. Yard work would be a great start. Then move on to taking out trash, dishes, laundry, whatever you want help with. Reward can be an allowance, kids love money, but chores should be expected with or without payment. Punishment can include taking away phone, Internet, or tv until chorea done. This usually solves the problem. Good luck.

write down all the jobs in the house and let him chose some, at that age choice matters a lot

what i do to make sure my kids actually DO the chores is that they get no friends, phone, electronics or fun activity till the chores are done