I am curious about other mothers' opinions on this one.... A relative of my husband's is getting married late Spring. We received a save the date card last year, so there is an assumption that a formal invitation will be forthcoming. Recently, on a phone call with his grandmother, my husband was informed that people with children are being asked to only stay at the reception for the first hour. The grandmother stated there is concern about children monopolizing the dance floor. My husband (aware that many people in his family enjoy their cocktails) believes it is more likely the bride wants people to feel free to party without children underfoot.
Whatever the reasoning, have you ever heard of such a thing? I know what I plan to do, but I am aghast at what seems to be a grevious lack of etiquette. Opinions are welcome.
By the way, the wedding is about five hours from where we live, and many family members with children will have to travel at least that far to attend.
Thank you for all the responses. You have certainly helped to validate my initial response. We have not received the formal invitation yet, and my husband and I are reserving "judgement" until more specifics are known. All the etiquette gurus out there tend to agree that a wedding is a special occasion which demands special adherence to tradition. However, times are a-changing and many rules may be bent or broken. How it is handled then makes all the difference between a host (or bride and groom) "doing things their own way" or just being rude. We shall see how this turns out when all is settled.
ETA: I would actually prefer a blanket Adults Only Reception or a Family Event. If the reception is at night, I will wind up taking my children to the hotel before it gets too late while my husband stays to visit with family if he chooses. I feel most responsible parents would do exactly that. I object to a figurative clock counting down over my head if I bring the children. I object to handing all the comments of disappointment if my husband and I show up without our children. My husband was also looking forward to introducing many of his relatives to our children. I get to deal with his disappointment if I send him without me and/or the children. Like I said, it may be some other accommodations are being arranged that I am as yet unaware of, but right now I am hoping that the grandmother was incorrect or someone (closer to the bride than myself) informs her there may be better options.
It is perfectly acceptable for the bride and groom to request no children at the wedding and/or the reception. It is even acceptable for them to say that after the meal, child care will be provided in another area (separate room or such). In my opinion, to specify a time limit on how long families w/ children can stay.
It seems odd. Why wouldn't they J. have a chld free wedding? Plenty of people do that for cost and space requirements. I;d either get a babysitter or skip it if its that far away.
Woah!!!! Attack of the BrideZILLA!!! LOL!
Seriously though, if you can't or don't want to get a babysitter then i'd skip the wedding. You'll do all that traveling and barely get to enjoy any of the event. Also, I'd have hubby chat with Grandma about the position this puts you in. As "Grandma" she's probably in a good position to gently explain to the bride and groom to be that this is a faux pas on their part.
It's rare to have kids at a wedding reception in my experience, unless they are very close to the bride and groom. My sister went to a wedding she had to travel too and the bride and groom were aware that many people were traveling as a family to attend the wedding so here is what she did which I thought was a great idea. She had everyone eat together and then she had a separate room with fun stuff for all the kids to do; they started with boards games and crafts, then a bounce house and obstacle course, magic show, dessert and finally a movie for them to wind down. She let her guests know ahead of time that the expectation was that the kids would go to their room for their kid entertainment and she even made the parents aware of the qualifications of the babysitters. The bride wanted out of town family to be welcome and I think this was a great way of doing it.
At our wedding we rented out a game room for the night. We hired 3 teens to watch the kids. If a child needed anything, one of the teens came over to get the parent of the child. Otherwise none of the kids were allowed in the reception hall after 9pm. ( that way the kids were able to dance for awhile also)
The parents had to sign the kids in and out... no kids were allowed to leave with out a parents concent. They had everything they needed over there and no need to be around the adults. Once they started to get tired, I had two more teens at our house ( a couple blocks from the hall) watching the babies/ toddlers and the sleeping kids camped out on our floor.
The game room was across the street from our reception, it was also included in the invites that no children were allowed after 9pm and that we had a place for them to go so they knew what was available or had the choice to get thier own sitter for the night.
I don't agree with kids being around adults who are drinking/ drunk and the language that usually happens with loose lips that comes from drinking adults. I don't drink in front of my kids and I don't swear in front of my kids and honestly if my kids aren't going to be there I don't/ didn't want any other kids being around either.
Hold on a bit. I wouldn't get offended. You're just hearing this from Grandma. After the invitation has been received, if it is not clear, your husband should call the bride or groom (whichever is his relative) and just ASK them what they prefer and what if any arrangement they have or that your family needs to make. It is highly likely, they will have a babysitter. Maybe a place on site the kids will go to watch a movie or something. Then you can decide if their plan works for your family. If they have no arrangements for kids, it's up to you to decide what to do. 1) Skip the wedding if you don't want to only go to the reception for an hour 2) Find someone to watch the kids at home and don't bring them at all 3) You leave early back to the hotel with your kids and DH catches a ride with someone else after the reception. I would not be offended. They have a right to plan it they way they want. However if they make it difficult for families with children, they will have to accept a good number of parents will opt to skip the wedding altogether.
AFTER READING YOUR SO WHAT HAPPENED:
"Reserving Judgement"? You don't get to judge, you get to opt out or go and enjoy family wedding where your children ARE invited for the wedding and lunch/dinner. It's NOT your wedding....maybe you DID have children before your wedding.....maybe you DID NOT have a formal wedding? Either way your only call is to say YES or NO.
It is not uncommon to have a child free wedding and/or reception...with the exception of the flower girl and ring bearer. Many people who think it is rude that their children are not invited forget that they did not have children when they got married. Child care for the flower girl and ring bearer should be arranged in advance and it is understood that they leave after the photographs have been taken.
Many couples actually make arrangements for child care in another room at the reception area. They have their own party and if a parent is needed they are near by.
It is not a matter of the bride and groom wanting to get smashed. In fact I have witnessed parents who bring the children to a reception, over inbibing and letting their little ones run free. In one case the favors were little bottles of bubbles, which a child took on the dance floor and spilled....the first dance for the bride and groom was not good. The child was hanging on to the brides dress and was finally removed by someone other then her parents. It was not cute or funny and people were just rolling their eyes wondering why the parents were not watching their child.
Parents who feel slighted or think it's rude for their children NOT to be included in a wedding invitation, should simply send their regrets, or arrange for childcare and go have a great time.
Ahh..when we got married it was NO KIDS AT ALL at the reception - but then again I am the oldest so there weren't any kids to consider at that point.
Sounds rude but it's their wedding. I've always wondered why people want to bring their little kids along - you can't party and spend the whole time catering to them. Doesn't sound like a lot of fun to me.
However, since you are traveling quite a distance I would inquire about whether a friend/neighbor/cousin can watch the kiddos in one room in the hotel after the "hour" is up.
Good luck.
I'd say it is extremely generous to invite the little ones for the first hour-this will probably cost $100/person instead of $200/person-because they are small and don't consume much food or alcohol. Having them there is not without a cost-so again-very nice. If you're that aghast-don't go-send a gift-and save everyone some money. Family members should get together and rent a suite and hire some babysitters to watch all the children in one place while the grownups attend the reception.
I've been asked NOT to bring kids at all. I'm actually fine with that! Then I don't spend all day chasing them. Especially for an evening wedding. I would assume it would be more formal. Usually the evening formal weddings I've been to, families with children leave immediately after the service and don't go to the reception at all.
Rather than look at this as a negative and potentially cause the bride stress, why not make it fun. Have all the kids go to one hotel room and hire someone to take care of all of them. Take board games and bathing suits and snack. It will cousins that don't know each other a chance to have fun and get to know each other. Frankly, I'm sure the kids would enjoy that MUCH more than a stuffy old wedding being told to stay quiet, sit still all day. I"m sure the bride or someone that lives there can reccomend a few sitters to stay with the kids. Everybody pitches in a little and then you can all go and really relax and have fun.
With all of the fuss about children at the wedding, how are the invitation worded? Is it Mr and Mrs. X or is it Mr. and Mrs and Family or the Family of X? This will tell you how or whom should attend.
You must remember just because a family has many kids does not mean the bride wants all of them at her wedding. It is her day and she sets the tone of the event.
Sorry, check the Emily Post books.
If the 5 hours is too much with children then send a nice gift and stay home. Another thing might be to stream the wedding to family members who can't attend because of the kids.
The other S.
Just call and ask. It is becoming more common that a lot of people are choosing for childless weddings/receptions. However it is odd that they would only state for the first hour. If they are going to have stipulations like that, than they should provide a babysitter service in a close by room in the reception hall.
I have attended weddings where there was an 'adult reception to follow', on the invitation. That was done on purpose because the couple didn't want a bunch of the young neices and nephews underfoot and late into the evening.
I haven't heard of letting them come for only an hour.
In this situation, it would be more correct to have the reception, and then have a second after party/reception where only adults were invited.
Another thing that the couple could do is pay for a few teens to care for the younger ones in another room so that they don't lose half of their guests, unless they don't care about that.
Well, I am planning my wedding with a simmilar idea in mind. The only children that are invited are our son, his nieces/nephews and my neice and nephews by blood - ALL other children are asked to remain at home. I will have a hotel suite with a hired sitter for MY son (5), nephews (4, 13) and neice (8) that I will be paying for as a thank you to my sisters for all their efforts with the wedding. His neices/nephews are all older and would not requre a sitter. Ceremony, Cocktails (I plan to have a small gaming station - board games and hand helds), Dinner, Dancing for the kids and leave the "First/Father/Mother" etc dances and toasts for after the kids have eaten and enjoyed their time on the dance floor. I am doing this because I, the bride, do not want to be drunk around MY son or my neices/nephews. I also have heard too many stories of children drinking at weddings and going to the ER with alcohol poisoning - my MIL has been in the ER when a 5 year old was brought in drunk from a wedding. I have been to some with and with out kids, my son has only been to one wedding so far and we were there for 3hrs out of 5hrs (bed time!), he loved it but there was a WHOLE lot of eagle eyes all around because the kids were too courious. So, I think it would be best to not attend OR to get a sitter, get a hotel room and enjoy the night. This is a good excuse to set up a sleep over!
At least they are not prohibiting them all together. I think that activities where there will be alcohol served are not really all that fun for kids. And after an hour the kids will be getting very bored with nothing to do but hand out and watch people dance or go play tag on the dance floor.
I would be ready to go after an hour with kids underfoot too. I think it is a bit awkward to have to announce that people with children should consider leaving after an hour but goodness, shouldn't they be leaving about then anyway?
I've never heard of this, and I think it is pretty rude, actually. Either you invite kids, or you don't. Every couple has the right to decide if kids are invited or not, but I think it's awkward to say they are welcome for the first hour and then they have to pack up and leave. That probably means that guests that bring kids will have to pack up and leave too, and that's just wrong, especially with the travel involved. If they don't want kids there after a certain time period, they should just not have kids invited period. I can understand not inviting kids, but I also think the reasoning being given is pretty lame. We had family member's kids at our wedding and they were all well-behaved - mostly because they are all expected to be well-behaved and their parents were good about keeping them under control.
Weddings where children are not invited are fairly common, and generally I don't have a problem with that. Weddings are expensive, and it's the bride's prerogative whom she wants to include.
What I've never heard of is inviting children, but only for the first hour. That's odd. What are you supposed to do with them after that? I wonder if your husband's grandmother has this correct - perhaps she misunderstood. It may be that the bride has decided to supply a babysitter in a nearby room where parents can drop the kiddos off, so everyone can have a child-free good time at the reception, once the kids have had a chance to eat?
I am not reading this as people with children must leave after an hour. I am
assuming that they can come for the hour to be part of the celebration, but
then off to a sitter. Personally, I just would not take them at all. I always
enjoyed a night out without the kids.
I would hold judgement until the invite comes. There may be specifics
about babysitting etc.
Yes I've heard of it. It's usually done so the photographer can get some good pictures before the kids have a melt down or become bored by the events at the reception. Your options would be to leave the kids home or get a sitter to entertain them at a hotel. Personally I'd probably send a nice card to the bride and groom and stay home instead of having to make any arrangements.
Hi, L.:
Write or telephone the bride to see what is going on. Second hand information can be quite disturbing. Avoid gossip.
Just a thought.
D.
I think it's more typical for folks to have kid-free receptions, but it seems totally reasonable (and more compassionate to the kids and adults) to have them there for only the first hour. That said, they should have a room and babysitters arranged to care for the kiddos. Preferably a place where the little ones can go to sleep.
Most weddings I've been to did not invite children at all aside from very immediate family. It's very expensive to include children and when a couple doesn't yet have children themselves, they often don't really get how hard it is to leave your children at home. And/or maybe they'd rather have a smaller wedding without kids, understanding that many friends and family may not be able to come without their kids. I'm wondering if the bride and groom are setting up a babysitter for the kids after the first hour. I've been to weddings that do that. Otherwise, what's the big deal? The bride is trying likely to please everyone. Let people bring kids if they want but it's too much to keep them there the whole time. If you don't like that, don't bring your kids. If you can't go without bringing your kids, don't go. Would you be happier if the invite was for completely without kids? That's not abnormal AT ALL. Maybe this is a rather sophisticated, expensive wedding and each child is another $100/plate and young children aren't appropriate. I know mine was that much for kids. I know if we're invited to a wedding 5 hours away, only one of us typically goes. The other stays home with our children. I woudln't dream of being offended that our whole family wasn't invited unless it was a sibling.
I've never heard of anyone specifically asking that people with children leave early. For our family functions, we don't consume much, if any alcohol, so the kids being around is never a problem. I do think you're right that they want to party hard and don't want the kids around.
Given that people have to travel so far, it's really rude to ask them to only stay for an hour. They will spend much more time traveling than enjoying the wedding. I think I would either leave the kids with a sitter or miss the wedding - can't see driving five hours just to stay a total of 2 to 2-1/2 hours and then drive all the way home.
Kind of thoughtless of the bride and groom IMO.
That's weird, I've never heard of anyone ever asking for kids to leave. Most parents I've noticed will skip out early to get kids home to bed but not all. I find that tacky, if the whole family is invited then the whole family should be able to stay. If the bride wants a "let's all get smashed" party, she needs to do that at her bachelorette party and attend to her guests with more etiquette, especially if they are traveling many hours and will most likely need to get a hotel room for the night. I understand she wants to let loose and party the night away but at the same time, not everyone wanting to support her day is into that type of thing. She needs to realize it will come across as offensive, especially to those traveling to be there. Keep it classy, not trashy.
I sure wouldn't drive 5 hours to only stay an hour. I think it's fine for people to request no children at a wedding. Although I love seeing kids at weddings, I wouldn't be keen to bring my daughter if it was a late evening wedding. But it's very inconvenient and therefore inconsiderate to expect guests to leave after an hour.
This whole "childless wedding" thing is a new fad and I find it rude to be honest. Especially for those that must travel to attend. What ever happened to weddings being about family rather than a party? Unless it was a short way there, I would skip it rather than only being invited for one hour. The kids at our wedding added to the love of the day. Yes, they got underfoot, but they are family, and added fun and smiles to an already great day.
many brides prefer not to have children at all at their weddings. i think this one is very sweet for wanting to include them, but wisely requesting that they not stay once the champagne starts to flow and the party gets rockin'.
had you showed up and THEN she informed you of her wishes, i'd agree about a 'grievous lack of etiquette.'
but i sure can't jump all over a bride who wants her wedding her way, and is clear about it.
if you don't like her preferences, you can always courteously decline.
khairete
S.
Very rude.
I guess its the bride's special day and she can do what she likes, but that's very thoughtless and inconsiderate to guests.
I'd be tempted to stay home and spend the money you would have spent going to the wedding on a fun family trip.
Or - you could go and arrange an "after party" for all family members with children - maybe everyone could party at the hotel pool...
I am assume that this is an "adults only reception. They are probably making the hour exception, feeling that they are being kind. Maybe they felt like one parent would have to miss the whole reception. Can you bring a family member from your side, to sit in the hotel room with the kids?
Added: I saw that one mom said childless weddings are a new thing. My SIL had a childless wedding 25 yrs ago. I know this because, then it was a new thing. My husband tells me the story of how her husbands side was offended.
No. It's rude to say that people who attend with children must leave after a short part of the reception. It's quite acceptable to not invite children at all, but not to invite someone to only part of the wedding. I would suggest staying at a hotel and bringing a babysitter, so the kids stay behind while you and hubby go to the wedding. The other option would be to leave the kids at home, if you have on overnight sitter, or a family member on the other side of the family who is local and could watch them.
It's weird. Why specify anyway. If you have a later reception most people with kids leave earlier anyway. Then (without being rude) you can have you dance floor back.
I would not go if it wasn't local and the kids weren't allowed to stay, unless I wanted to get an overnight sitter.
I think it's rude for family children to not be invited.
I get that it's their wedding and they can do what they want, but I still find it rude. And no, I have never heard of a time limit for kids at the reception.
It seems like the kids should be invited or not invited. If they are invited, there should not be 'conditions' placed on their attendance.
There have been weddings where our children were not invited, period. At one such wedding, we were unable to get childcare (short notice, I think they planned the whole thing in 6 weeks) and I went alone as the closest friend to the couple. DH kept DD. I was not the only one flying solo, if the couple sent anybody at all. The bride and groom had to recognize that their choice meant other people had choices to make, too.
If they do this, that's their choice, but they need to recognize that it may also mean that a number of guests with children also leave (or not come at all) and they should plan the food and toasts accordingly. One of my friends did all the "cool stuff" upfront so people could drive home (most of us 7 or more hours away) and I really appreciated that. I would decide how important it was to attend and go from there. If I left with DD, DH would also leave with me.
I suspect your DH is right and the couple don't want to tell Grandma they want to get drunk so they came up with that excuse.
I never heard that one before! It's usually kids are invited or not, no in-between. Are you sure that maybe the grandmother didn't miss something? Like maybe they are going to do kid friendly music the first hour? You know like hokey-pokey, YMCA, that kind of thing? So that parents can enjoy the cocktail hour?
Wow that's cheeky! While I understand (sort of) the intent, it makes more sense to either invite children, or not. The bride and groom should at least have the decency to set up an adjacent room for the children to hang out in with someone to entertain them and watch them. Otherwise, one parent is going to have to leave with the kids while the other parent stays, or they'll have to leave the kids at home.
I think you either invite people or you don't, child or otherwise. If you want to invite a child, they should be totally invited. And people have to be trusted to supervise their own kids. If they don't, then you probably shouldn't invite the family at all.
i was told by my aunt that her son his and to be wife were not wanting kids at the wedding/reception so i called him myself and asked if we were to bring our kids sense the invite didnt specify. he said he wanted all family there. so i would call if the invite (once you get it) isnt clear. til then dont listen to others.
The weddings I've been to have been adult only. One was wonderful enough to provide for kids and their babysitters to have pizza and snacks at the resort pool (daytime event) I thought it was very kind. When my niece got married they made it a clear NO kids and invited only cousins who were adults (my 19 yr old was invited my six yr old Not.) I had to get a babysitter for about 9 hours. We got a sitter from my church, my son had so much fun with her he keeps asking when she'll come back to his house. Inviting children for the first hour sounds like a gracious compromise. You will get to introduce your children to relatives, sounds very fun. I'm sure someone in the area could help you find a sitter. I'm surprised you are so put out by their choice that you would rather sit in a hotel then be told what time to leave. Sounds very petty of you. I guess every family has a relative who is never happy.
I agree that I would much rather have them say "adults only reception." This summer my cousin is getting married, and we were planning on traveling 400 miles for it. When we got the Save the Date card it was addressed to only my husband and me, so I checked with my mom and she confirmed that it is an adults' only reception. It made it an easy decision for us NOT to go, as all of my babysitters in my hometown will be AT the wedding :)
If it were worded that we could only bring the kids for 1 hr, I feel that would be much more difficult to decide (especially since it is MY side of the family--I can't really take the kids back to the hotel & leave my husband at my cousin's wedding, and he sure couldn't handle all 3 kids on his own). I am thankful that they are having a blanket "adults only" reception. Instead of going to theirs, we'll be going to a distant cousin's wedding 1000 miles away and they ARE inviting our kids (kinda have to since my husband introduced the bride & groom).
I haven't read the replies, so forgive me if this has already been said, but if they are allowing children, but only for the first hour of the reception (and, I'm assuming for the ceremony), then they should be providing childcare for the remainder of the reception.
We had a no children policy for our wedding and our friends and family with kids were THRILLED with the idea (a kid free night out for them!). For our out-of-town guests, we provided (arranged and paid for) childcare in their hotel rooms, which worked out perfectly and they loved!
