Wedding Vent

I would never attend a shower if I wasn't invited to the wedding! Find an excuse not to go, and do not send a gift.

Yeah... kind of strange.....

If you really feel you need to send them a gift, send them $20 in a card..... that way you don't have to pay shipping!

If I "couldn't" go to a shower and wasn't close enough to the person to be invited to the wedding, why would I send a gift? Don't bother... Or safer I guess is a small gift card. That's it. Then be done with it. And be psyched you can get off thiis cheaply!

I would send them a card and an amazon gift card for $25.00

FYI, I go to weddings of people I love. Not for the food, the drinks and the dancing. I want to support them with their vows. The rest is just icing on the cake. We make our own fun when family gathers.

If I want to visit family and be at a fun party, I help organize the family reunions.. They are a blast. Great food, Beer and margaritas, dancing, partying visiting..

Veronica is right. You know all these "should and should nots, and obligations and guilts" are all in your head right?

If you don't want to spend on the resistry, don't. They will probably never notice. Send a card.

As for the dry wedding, your problem, because you had expectations that they had not fulfilled for you. It's their wedding, not YOUR party.

Hey....thanks for your post. It reminded me that I need to get a wedding gift for my cousin (seriously). :)

I agree with most of the other moms here...there is NO need to feel obligated to give a gift. You haven't been invited to the wedding, so it is tacky to invite you to the wedding shower. I would probably send a message back to her (you can do a card or even an email...yeah..I'm serious). Simply say that you are sorry that you cannot make it to her shower, but wish them all the best! I really don't think I would do a gift or gift card, either. To me, well wishes are good enough in this situation.

To answer your question, I would not participate in the shower unless your husband has particularly strong feelings. I would probably send a card and at most a small check. But more than that, you seem to be missing the spirit of what a wedding is about - celebrating the couple's happiness. They really aren't there to entertain you. Mocking their choices (fish tacos - which are wonderful - and a dry wedding makes you sound really petty). I'm sure their feelings would be hurt to know how you really feel. If you can't go to these family events in the spirit of joy and giving, you're best declining offers to begin with. I spent my whole childhood listening to my parents complain about the weddings they had to go to for people and then they insisted I invite all their friends to my wedding. I regret that I didn't stand up for myself and have the wedding I wanted -- I envisioned my guests being as resentful as my parents had always been and as you are being now. Save the bride and groom any further grief and don't participate.

ETA: And by the way, the shower list may be compiled by the maid of honor, who may be unaware you aren't on the wedding list.

You're truly not obligated to buy her anything at all. They registered for things they'll use, maybe you and I wouldn't, but they will. Since they've been together awhile they don't need dishes and towels, so why not register for fun stuff?

BTW, not everything on Amazon.com has a shipping charge, either, one reason I LOVE Amazon.com. And, no one is ever bound to a gift registry, cash and gift cards always work, and I know for a fact Amazon ships theirs for free, I can even buy them in many supermarkets and tuck them in a card and mail them myself.

Since you're upset and think they're just fishing for a gift don't buy one. Unless there's the possibility someone will forever remember you didn't and bring it up at every possible oopportunity. A true wedding gift is to wish the couple well on their new life, a token of love. If you don't feel it, don't give a gift, and be glad you weren't invited.

Personally, life is too blasted short, I'd let it go, send a gift, and wish them well. But I detest drama :)

I was invited to a wedding shower once that was pot-luck. Then we were asked to donate to the wedding money tree as a way to help pay for the wedding. The only person at the shower who was invited to actually attend the wedding was a work friend who would be the photographer (as a gift to the couple). Seriously.

My husband and I paid for our own wedding and we kept it small because we had to. I had one family wedding shower. Everyone at the shower was invited to the wedding. We had a morning wedding so that the recpetion could be a lunch because that is what we could afford. Goodness. What is going on with people?

It is ridiculous to invite someone to a shower and not the wedding. Tacky, tacky, tacky.

I would decline the invitation for the shower and get on with my life.

Send a card and a nice note of Best Wishes.
Yes--it's a grab for gifts.
Living together before he wedding? Even registering is tacky!

Honestly, I think it is rude to invite someone to your bridal shower and not the wedding, that is basically just asking for a gift. Just skip the bridal shower, and if you are not close enough to get an invite to the wedding, I would skip the gift as well.

If it were me I'd send a nice card and a modest monetary gift ($25?).

And no I can't make the shower. Gosh darn I was thinking of going whale watching in Seattle.

;)

You know, this catches me out.
Years ago, when my ex and I got married (no registry, btw-- it wasn't for the presents), my stepmom--- with good intentions, I'm sure--- sent invitations to our reception ( it was a courthouse wedding, the reception was a month later and was a bbq as we were pretty strapped)-- In any case, she sent invites to relatives I'd never even heard of.

I was *mortified* to receive gifts from people I'd never met. It was weird and humiliating in a way.

So, I'm wondering if there was some weird breach of etiquette in the case of your cousin as well. You don't have to respond, you know. You could just send a card and a small Starbucks card if you wanted to, as well. Either the cousin is really clueless or someone suggested to her that they should invite you. Since you were so yukked out by the last wedding, just send something (or nothing, up to you) and move on. At least you don't have to go, right?

Just wish them well as you decline attending the shower, don't get them a gift and don't feel bad about it.

Christy:

Send them an Amazon gift card for what you can afford.

Do not bother going to the shower. Why bother, really?

I'd spend the day with my family instead.

Tacky indeed. You never invite someone to a shower, engagement party or rehearsal dinner without inviting them to the wedding. Yes, she's fishing for gifts...

Being that it's family, I guess I would "extend" a very small olive branch and mail her a card with an Amazon Gift Card in it for $25. You made the effort to keep "peace". Don't hold your breath waiting for a thank you note though...

Good luck!

I see your point on not being invited to the wedding but invited to a shower instead - very tacky indeed. I would send a card.

However, I do not see your point in the type of gifts they registered for - are you serious? What difference does it make what they registered for? You say - 'so they just registered for fun stuff for them' - um...that's what a register is for.

BTW - We only registered for outdoor/camping gear as well b/c we didn't want the traditional stuff.

First wedding - The point of attending a wedding is to celebrate the marriage. It isn't about dancing and drinking. If you were not attending for the sole reason of showing love and goodwill towards the bride and groom, then you should not have attended.

Second wedding - it is typically poor manners to invite someone to a shower but not the wedding. You have a legit complaint there, but you forget that you can decline the invitation to the shower. As for the registry, registering for hobby items that the couple enjoys doing together is acceptable.

Weddings seem to be changing quickly with the times...what was once wedding etiquette is no longer used/followed...and some brides don't even know about the "rules" anymore.

When I got married 17 years ago...my mother a home economics teacher (do they even have that class anymore) followed every wedding rule there was to follow...and my shower (thrown by other older home economics teachers looked like a formal Easter Sunday brunch...only thing we were missing were hats and gloves).

Today it seems things are much much much different....people are invited to showers and not weddings (I personally think it is rude...), people don't need typical start you life stuff and want camping equipment or money for their honeymoons (some of this I am okay with, but asking for money is where I draw the line...unless it is a money tree or dollar dance at the reception).

And some weddings are quite boring....do you mean "dry" as in no alcohol?? cause then mine was "dry" and there was no dancing either. It was from two to about four in the afternoon...we served light food and cake.

So anyways...I would skip the shower and send a card. If you like this couple send a small check or gift card and if you aren't super close then don't. No biggie...times are a changing kids, and we don't have to like it, but they are...

Well, it seems to me you're lucky that you weren't invited to the wedding, since you had such a bad time at the last one. Now you don't have to suffer through another event you're not interested in.

Don't go to the bridal shower. It is very rude to invite you to the shower but not the wedding. Maybe that's ok if they're doing a courthouse wedding or something, but it's not ok if they are having a regular wedding and cut you from the list.

Since you're not invited to the wedding, a gift is not required. This should be your husband's call. If he's close enough that he wants to get her something, you should. If he doesn't care, then consider it no invitation so no gift.

It shouldn't matter to you what they registered for. They are getting married and tradition is to register for the gifts you want. If they have everything they need for their home, then bikes and outdoor equipment is something that they can enjoy together as a couple. They'll probably get more use out of it than China. Think of it as buying something they can use to live an active, fun, happy life. Wouldn't you have to pay to ship it no matter where they registered? If you're really put out by Amazon, by the gift somewhere else. Amazon registries usually even have a box you can click if you're getting it somewhere else so that it marks it on their registry as purchased.

And remember, just because one cousin threw a lousy wedding doesn't mean the other one will too.

You don't have to get a gift, if you don't want! If you do send a card with money or a giftcard. A small amount.

If it means no alcahol, I had a dry wedding. I'm not getting married, so that other people can drink and make idiots of themselves. I don't even drink, I'm not going to waste my money so others can. Dry weddings are not uncommon. Although, I would have been bummed to drive 7 hours for a short wedding and fish tacos.

Don't feel obligated to do anything you don't want to do. Send a card with some cash in it (not a lot) and be done with it. If anything is said, you were busy that day anyway and who can't use some extra cash? No big deal. Good luck!!!

I find it interesting that some people here say "it's tradition to register what for what they want." Really? Tradition for maybe the last five years but if you look up the history of a registry it is nothing like it is now. Frankly, neither is a honeymoon. So you know how I feel about their "outdoor equipment" registry - completely ridiculous.

As for the dry wedding. One of the best weddings I ever attended/participated in was a dry wedding. You could totally feel the love, joy, promise, and hope in the air. Absolutely the best wedding. "Traditionally" weddings are not about the gifts, honeymoon, food, venue, wedding dress, entertainment, etc - it's about a ceremony where two people coming together to unite in marriage. I think many generations have forgotten what a "traditional" wedding is about.

oh gosh, this brings back horrid memories. I was once invited to a shower, and assumed the rule was --invited to the shower means invited to the wedding. and this was back when i was still in collage and living at home and the wedding was for a daughter of people my mom knew from her small church, call it family friends if you want as the girl was a few years older than me but we essentially grew up in the same circle. Anyhow, mom didn't want to go to the wedding alone (divorcee) but there was no invitation for me, so she and my aunt convinced me to call the brides mom and ask i could attend with my mom. She said yes but it was very akward and it wasn't like she could very well say no when i called them on it. ugg,, horrid.

and yes i am with you, I like to wish people well starting their life together. For me if they want to shack up then they should loose out on gifts.

what you do is up to you, probably cash in a card would keep the peace best. but i guess you need to ask yourself how important will these people be in the future and who else would feel the ripple if you don't send anything.

Haven't read your answers yet BUT you do not invite anyone to the shower when they won't be invited to the wedding. End of story. I don't know what I'd do in this case. Is there an Amazon gift card you could send them?

Nope, not ridiculous. Send an Amazon gift card and congrats card and let it be.

Yes it's a ploy to get you to buy stuff for a wedding you weren't even invited to. RSVP that you will not be able to attend the shower and don't send anything except a card after the wedding wishing the couple well. You can include a gift card in the card if you want depending on how you feel about the cousin.

Personally I'd be ok about not being invited to the wedding. One less thing to have to deal with.

Send a card. Put a $20 in it. Smile and have a beer.

Yep, out of line. Now if you were going to the wedding, I would consider the bike stuff practical, however, you're not invited.

Personally, I wouldn't attend the shower.

You realize that you do not have to attend the shower - and you're not ever obligated to buy anything. Can't you just send them a really nice card for their wedding?

I would simply send a card with well wishes. You could include a side note to her to stop being so obviously greedy and self centered about her wedding. I would also tell the cousin from the first wedding how disappointed you were with her wedding and how rude it was of her to make you drive all that way so that you would be bored and dissatisfied. In addition, I would prepared a go-bag for the next wedding you go to - snacks, booze, and an ipod with speakers to liven up the joint. It's unfair to expect you to come to such a lame wedding.

I have never been invited to shower--and not invited to the wedding.
It sounds a tad disrespectful. If you decide not to go to the shower, send a gift card to the store of your choice.

You can choose not to buy her anything. I would leave this up to DH, actually, since you are unhappy and it's his family. You can send your regrets and a card and include a gift card or check from your family, if you (or DH) just wants to wish them well.

We registered for a few fun things for the house, in part b/c people wanted ideas. We were combining two homes and did not need or want much. But people insisted. I would rather buy a camera for a couple's honeymoon than a stack of plates they will never use. Why not register for fun stuff? It's not 1842. Traditions can change.

The other wedding may not have been your kettle of fish (so to speak), but it was their wedding and I've attended worse. People don't have to please everybody else at their own event. Presumably you got to have the kind of wedding you wanted for yourself.

Bottom line is you seem very bitter about weddings on his side of the family, so your best gift might just be to send regrets and not attend anything.

nope. i don't think you're out of line at all.
even if the fare beats fish tacos (ewwwwwwwww), sounds like a big pile of not-fun to me. and while i abhor showers in general, i agree with you that the shower invitation is actually a gift solicitation.
i'd send her a nice card and a starbucks gift card for $25.
khairete
S.

I'd tell them sorry, I can't make it and not send a gift.

Okay.. I will address two things. 1. I would never invite someone to the shower, that was not invited to the wedding. .. distasteful.
2. I lived in my condo for 3 years before my wedding, so I had the house hold stuff. I registered for camping gear, lol.

Good luck

Since it's your husband's cousin, I'd let him decide and deal with the gift. I wouldn't go to a shower if I wasn't invited to the wedding, that would feel strange. Personally, I don't like any kind of registry for gifts. I wouldn't see this one as different as a registry asking for formal dishes and kitchen stuff. But again, I'd probably ask my husband to handle it, since it's his cousin. He can get the gift, and tell him you'll sign the card before he sends it.

If I were you, I would not attend the shower -- no shower, no gift -- and just send a card.

Uh no. I would not go to the shower or send a gift. Part of the fun of weddings/showers is having great food and laughs and dancing and spirits!

First, that wedding sounded like it was real fun! NOT!!!

As for this wedding, yeah, they'd be getting a card with a twenty dollar bill in it!! That registry sounds insane and very greedy. Plus, it doesn't sound like anything on there would be within my budget.

Additionally, if I'm not good enough for the wedding, then I'm not good enough for the shower!

I'm with you on this one! What does your husband say about all this?

Good luck!!!

At my wedding, I had a dance floor, but the religious beliefs of half of the attendees says no dancing in public ... and yes it was a dry reception.

For the 2nd wedding, classless. If someone can't attend the wedding, and chooses to attend the bridal shower instead, that is their right, but to be invited to the shower and not the wedding is just a money grab.
I wouldn't send a gift or a card. They probably won't notice anyway.

I think you are used to a party as the reception, I am too.

Last year, two of my daughters good friends got married. We were invited to both weddings and went. The first wedding, I was not impressed with. Not a very nice setting for the wedding, the food was bbq, and you had to pay for your drinks, not alcohol, but if I got a diet coke, I had to pay. So I wasn't too thrilled with that. But you do what you can afford and I completely understand that!

The second wedding was very lovely. They had great food, wonderful music, wine and beer. Alcohol is very expensive to serve at a wedding. A lot of weddings are serving wine and beer but not having an open bar. this is what we will do with our daughter's wedding. Weddings are not cheap. I'm not looking forward to paying for my daughter's wedding.

I would not go to the shower. Send a card after the wedding.

Wow... what a lack of respect! I would call them to congratulate and apologise for not attending the shower. I wouldn't feel bad for bit sending them a gift.

Lol!! I wouldn't get her a thing, unless I thought of something that I really thought she might like and that I really wanted to give to her.

Rent a limo or town car for a couple of/few hours to drive you to the party, and drink on the way. Play the games, and wish her well. Then, catch your ride back home. (Or have your husband or friend drive you. The point is that you don't drive, so you can drink.)

Would definitely NOT buy a gift for a wedding I was not invited to even if I was invited to the shower. That is super tacky in my opinion of her to invite you!

No way, beyond tacky! I would not even consider a gift. Sorry your hubby's cousin lacks so much propriety on this one.