New Standards or Wedding Rudeness?

Tacky. Tell them that instead of giving a gift that you sent a donation to Habitat for Humanity on their behalf. Sorry, couldn't help myself. It's been a long week.
C.

If they are that cash starved maybe they should put the cost the wedding towards the house down payment instead.

IMHO

Miss Manners says it is ALWAYS unacceptable and considered rude to even mention gifts in any way on an invitation. Yes - this is bad manners! I assume they just do not know any better. pity.

I want to make it clear, putting any type of requests or suggestions for gifts on or mailing it with the Wedding invitation is tacky.

IF people ask where they are registered or what they would like, they could always set up a website explaining that they are saving up for a home.. But NO one should ever have anything about gifts with their Wedding invitations. It insinuates you ARE expecting a gift like an entry fee to attend. .. On a wedding invitation the mention of ANY types of gifts is tacky,

I also agree that if they really want a house, they should have skipped the big wedding and saved their money.

Tacky, Tacky, I have NEVER seen or heard of this.

I am attending a wedding this weekend. The bride is a cousin and she was saying she and her fiance are paying for everything themselves. They did not want their parents to have to spend their money.

I told my husband, this is a marriage that is going to last. They are working towards their dream, they are not expecting others to finance it and they are mature enough to take care of all of it themselves.

I've never gotten an invite like that, but if I did it wouldn't bother me. I like the idea of getting people what they need and I think helping with the down payment on a house is a great way to do that. People here are saying it's tacky to tell people what to get you, but that's what you're doing when you register for a wedding or baby shower.
You ask people/ kids what they want for Christmas (or maybe Santa asks), birthdays and graduations and a lot of other things too. So, I don't think it's a big deal or a bad idea.
Times, standards and traditions have changed. How many of you think it's "tacky" to live together before marriage? Is it also "tacky" to wear white if you're not a virgin? OR How "tacky" is it to not even be a virgin by the time you're married?
*************Edit***********
This is funny. People accusing them of being cash starved just because they'd rather the gift money to go towards a house. It's no problem to register and get a bunch of wine glasses and crock pots that'll never get used and probably be returned or re-gifted though. Now some are saying these people shouldn't even have a wedding. Well, why do anything fun in life? They may as well forget the honeymoon and all vacations forever. Life is too short, you can't live life not doing it up and having a good time sometimes just because you're not rolling in money. I bet you guys were the same ones that had a problem with Kim K's ring (allegedly) being $2 mil and she's RICH and could afford it. Lol.
P.S. I'm not saying these things in an angry way. :)

Simply appalling. That is just unspeakably rude. How embarrassing for the couple's parents, who I hope wanted to crawl under a rock and die of shame after seeing that.

ETA:
Practical or not, one DOES NOT MENTION GIFTS IN AN INVITATION, EVER. I know that this is changing a bit with the "no gifts, please" for things like birthday or anniversary parties but a wedding? No. Just no, no, no, no, no. If a couple already had most possessions, all they would have to do is not register (and not have a shower). In the absence of a registry, people would probably give money as a wedding gift anyway, which the couple could then use as they see fit (saving for a house, paying for the honeymoon, etc.). But to basically use your wedding invitation as an opportunity to take up a collection for yourselves? Tacky, greedy, and wrong.

Wow. Frame it, you can't beat this one.

I must really be old school because that is the tackiest thing I have heard of.... actually worse than the honeymoon fund and dollar dance.

If that are that hard pressed for $$.... forgo the expensive wedding, put that $$ in the fund and get married by a judge or small very simple ceremony with family only.

EDITED: after 7 flowers
To the person who says according to Cosmo, American Baby and Baby Talk this is the new trend..........Please, dear.... get some worthwhile reading material that will engage your brain. Last time I saw the news, these magazines were not the "bible" of etiquette and raising children"

First, Etiquitte dictates (Emily Post, Miss Manners, etc.) that you do not *have* to provide a gift to attend a wedding, but it is nice (I just wanted to get that out). Second, any requests (direct or registries) *should not* be included in the wedding invitation. This should all be done word of mouth.

I'm okay with the gift idea (after all, I asked my mother to suggest, if asked, that we wanted our silver), but if it was in the invitation, that was tacky.

I'm old school!

Gifts are not supposed to ever be mentioned on an invitation.
And it shows a hell of a lot of hutzpah to ask people to pay for your house. If I got an invitation like that, I might or might not go to the wedding, but I can guarantee you I would not be contributing to the house fund.

Tacky and entitled. I'd buy them a toaster ;)

I think its very practical of them. I also think its very interesting that people think its tacky to ask for that. It was not too long ago in our history that dowries and home/barn raising were a normal part of the wedding tradition. It is interesting that "old-fashioned" to most means a gift from a registry:) I wonder how some mamas felt about gift registries when they started to become popular 30-40 years ago...perhaps they might have felt it tacky to have a registry:)

Asking for money (or even gifts) is always in poor taste.

Since when are all you mamas so concerned with what others think or what society has to say about something?! ;)

Where is this "rule book" on "how to behave when you are getting married so as not to piss others off, irritate them, or inconvenience them"? I apparently have not read it. Thank goodness I am a considerate person by nature.

Thankfully, my husband and I paid for everything on our own for our wedding, honeymoon and home included, so I didn't irriate any of our guests. On second thought, I bet some of our guests did get irritated....cause that is what guests do. Unreal.

I don't care what "Miss Manners" says - I would be relieved if I got an invite that spelled out for me exactly where to go for the wedding AND what the couple wants. How easy! And how practical! Wouldn't you much rather give someone a gift they actually want and will use rather than some blender that will sit in the basement?

It is their wedding. Unless they knock on your door demanding money, let them do as they wish. You don't have to go to their bank and insert money in their account. They are just telling you what they need/want.

And why are we assuming they are "cash starved" just because they are asking for practical money toward a home rather than some silly plates or a blender? They may actually be SMARTER than others with their money!

Just let this go and take the money you would have wasted on a quesadilla maker and help these people start their lives together in the right way.

=)

It is new but never acceptable!

It's taking tacky, selfish, and greedy to a whole new level.

I'd rather get ten toasters than to ever put something like that in an invitation.

One is never, ever to make mention of gifts on an invitation. Ever. If people call them to find out where they're registered then they can mention that they would "appreciate whatever people would be generous enough to give them although they would also appreciate monetary gifts as well."

This? Is beyond rude. It's tacky and gauche.

Hugely tacky. We all buy wedding gifts, and brides and grooms know that. But they should NOT include registry information or alternate gift suggestions on the invite. They should absolutely communicate their wishes to family and friends who can pass the info along if asked. I'm all for getting the couple whatever they really want -- so I have no issues with down payment money -- but not if it's written on the invite. That's the part I think is rude.

It's so practical and I'd rather give to a down payment on a house than buy them a place setting they never use. Truthfully, did you use everything you got for your wedding. I know I didn't use the yellow mustard color sheets I got, or the quesadilla maker, the fondue set, my place settings, etc., etc. What I could of used was down payment money. People are getting married older and after they are already established, so they don't really need stuff to set up a house, what they need is a house. They are probably renting and want something of their own. I guess they could of done what my sister did. Register for everything, then take it all back to get the cash, so she could buy a house.

i personally think it's TACKY (SUPER TACKY) to mention gifts in an invitation.

I know that people have set up accounts now - you can do it for birthday parties as well - or just about anything - and people can put money in this account to help towards the honeymoon, etc.

I had a GF who got married 6 years ago - who did this account thing - but she did NOT put it on her invitation to the wedding....when people asked where they were registered, she told them about this site...damn - I wish I could remember that name!!!

Any way - TACKY! TOTALLY TACKY!!!

Whoaaaa!
Now THAT's a new level of tacky!

IMO it is always tacky to ask for a certain gift, especially money.

Are they requesting an annuity to be paid over the next 30 years as well?

That is weird. I find it offensive anytime someone tells me how to gift them.

Soon they'll be charging per plate for the honor of attending their wedding. I got a lot of wedding gifts I had no use for that weren't my taste and felt like a blight in my closet taking up space and collecting dust before I rehomed them. It's the price we pay for having an audience for our wedding show. I heard many times, "Elope and use the money you would have spent on a wedding towards a house or nice honeymoon." Sadly, I didn't listen. But to my mind, you don't get to have your wedding cake and eat it too.

I dont think its a bad idea, what is CRAZY is they are mailing out their bank and account number!! Hope the wrong person doesnt get ahold of it!

Wow. I am shocked by this as well. I have heard of the new website to have people "buy" your honeymoon, which is on this same wave, but a mortgage?? Yipes. I've been sort of on the fence about the whole donating to the honeymoon thing too, although overall I think it's fine, but I haven't quite accepted this new trend yet. I know that as the average age to get married rises and the fact that more and more couples are living together prior to tying the knot they do buy a lot more homegoods on their own, but really...an account number?! Tacky.

here in the NY area most people give money as gifts - so this kind of a money-request wouldn't be appropriate or neccessary. PErsonally I realy think it's rude and am surprised at how many people here DON'T think it's rude. I think that our culture has gotten more base as the years go by and generations pass. Subtlety seems to have become extinct. In prior generations family / friends would hint about what the couple needs, or provide the name of where they are registered. Now we create neon signs to make sure no one could possible miss the couple's desires. The fact that they are not only asking for money but providing the bank name & account number is just crass. Is it too much work to sign some checks and deposit them the week after the wedding? I'm curious if they are so interested in buying a house - are they on a budget for their honeymoon - or are they going extravagant on that?

My feeling is if you need money for a party forgo the expensive wedding reception & honeymoon - but that's just me - so it seems. ;o)

I think that is way more responsible than registering for flatware or wine glasses! This is not the first I've heard of this but I do think it's a relatively new thing.

This is pretty common now. Registering for the honeymoon is another common practice now. I find it extremely rude to include any registry information in an invitation, but since this seems to be the rule, instead of the exception any more, I just shrug my shoulders and shake my head.

I know my brother and his bride registered at their travel agency to have help with their honeymoon. So I suppose this wouldn't be any different. And a regular registry is to direct people to buy what you want or need- so, if you would normally buy from a registry- I wouldn't be too offended. It's different- and I have never heard of this before- but maybe it's their way of putting boundaries on themselves. I know with some of the cash we got- we ended up buying groceries- so this will prevent them from doing that.
And after reading all the answers below- we too, did not have a bridal shower or bachelorette party or anything ahead of time to let people know where our registry was. In fact- I didn't want to register anywhere, but did so upon the request of several family friends. And, when we die, don't they put the request for memorial donations in the pamphlet?? I don't see where this is so rude and out of line.

That's one wedding I would pass up!

Blessings....

I think is really practical. I don't know if I would have gone about it that way though. Maybe it could have been worded a little better.

I would love to know that my money is going toward something that the couple really wanted/needed as oppose to some junk they registered for because they felt like they had to. I hated registering. My husband and I lived together and had a child together before we got married. We had everything we needed. What we wanted was cold hard cash, but we didn't know how to ask for it. So, we wound up with a bunch of stuff we didn't need. It was all nice stuff, but we didn't NEED it.

I've heard of this. It would not bother me IF the couple were truly struggling to raise the cash for a downpayment.
The purpose of wedding gifts is to help the couple put a home together. Traditionally this has meant flatware, dishes, linens and so on but people are getting married later now and already have these things.

I have read several of your responses and I personally would not put it on the invitation, but I do agree with the intentions of the action. I, personally, would rather give a gift that would help this couple accomplish a goal rather than give them another useless kitchen tool.

Again, this is just my two cents worth! BTW: Congratulations to the newly-weds!

I don't know, I am on the fence about things like that.
I think it's tacky to put it on the invitation, but it would be fine if they communicated this in person.
Nowadays most people have lived together for years before they tie the knot, and personally I would rather give a gift that is useful to them, then their fourth toaster oven.

Mommyloveskids- I bet when you had your baby shower, it mentioned where you were registered some place on the invitation. Most invitations I've received had that info on it in some form unless the couple didn't register for gifts or it was not a gift giving event.

As for those complaining about the bank account #- Perhaps their bank provides accounts that are deposit only? I know mine does.

Bottom line is that you don't have to like it, you don't have to agree with it. If you don't, then don't participate in it. Simple as that.

I agree with Victoria. Its practical and its something I'd rather do than get them a gift they'd never use, or use rarely.

I know when my husband and I got married, we already had all the dishes, towels etc that we needed because I was in my 20's and he was almost 30. So we didn't need for people to get us gifts. We actually didn't ask for anything at all, or register, but people instead gave us gift cards or money. I have to admit, I appreciated that a lot more than something I'd have never used.

I've never heard of it, but to me, it's the same as contributing to their honeymoon.
At least this way, you know the money is being spent well!
I wouldn't be offended by this.

I'm pretty open-minded, and even I think that's a bit much. I can understand asking people to donate to Oxfam or some sort of humanitarian effort in lieu of a gift, but no, not the house payment.

Not doing them a favor by helping them buy something they obviously can't afford.

I haven't been to any weddings lately but....ok? Tacky imo. You don't tell people what to get you. That's why its called a wedding" gift"

I've never heard of it before but I think it's fine. If you think about it, it's really no different from telling you where they're registered. What difference does it make to you whether you spend $50 on a toaster or put it towards their down payment for a house? At the end of the day, guests' gifts total up to thousands of dollars -- it's understandable if they already have everything they want that they would want that in cash for a house instead.

Good concept, tacky method of communication.

I think its tacky, but Ive heard of it and the honeymoon cash too. What I always wonder is, how much is this wedding costing and wouldnt that money be better spent on the downpayment of a house or to pay off student loans instead. Some couples spend $25,000 and way more on a fancy wedding and the marriage doesnt last long enough to pay it off. Wouldnt it be better to at least put that money into something worth while. If the marriage falls apart they can at least sell the house and split the profit.

To me, I think that's great. Especially if they've already lived together; it's not like they need STUFF, they just need a place to put it all ;) We thought about doing something like that, but because we're in no position to pay a mortgage right now, we scrapped the idea. It's still not sitting well with the world, but things like this (as well as 'honeymoon funds') are becoming more and more the new thing :)

I like registries because I am assured they will need or appreciate the gift. Choosing what I give them is still some what my choice (as long as you shop early)!
But a HOUSE?
If a house were such an important item for them, why didn't they skip the expense of a wedding and elope? As the cost of most weddings are going, the down payment would have most likely been there.
I have never regretted eloping. When word of our marriage did reach people, those who cared to give asked us or family what we needed or simply sent cash.

Well, people register for gifts because they are often asked, "what do you want?" It is a ton easier to say "we are registered at Bed Bath & Beyond feel free to use that as a guide" than say "I want a Stand Mixer in red." Many people have different budgets for the wedding and well rounded registries have a variety of items to fit all budgets. I am not totally against the down payment idea but I think it could have been better executed by starting a website that had a link to a registry like BB&B and an optional "pay pal" to go towards down payment along with additional wedding information and an RSVP page. I think this is something that I would not do myself (currently planning a wedding) but I respect the idea.

We went to a wedding where the bride and groom asked for a Honeymoon. It didn't completely set well with me but if that's what they wanted, that part is okay. It was hard as there were "things you could buy" like a night in a hotel on up to airfaire. None of the items were under $150 and there wasn't a spot to put in your own dollar amount. Seemed pretty rude to expect that much, especially when some of the guests had lost jobs, were ederly on a fixed income...etc... The wedding Was pretty big, started over an hour late, I was chastised by my sister in law for wearing a dress (I felt it wasn't dressy enough, she felt it made her look bad as she wore jeans) So the whole event had a layer of tackiness. OH the Grooms mother wore a black cocktail dress, this was the second time I've see a Grooms Mom in black, is that the thing now? Grieve the loss of your son? I try to not let these things bother me and I have never said anything to anyone else but it obviously does bother me. My Mom taught me that this sort of etiquette is a way of expressing you care about the wedding and are honored to be there. Times they are a changin'

Me and my hubby got married march 2010. The wedding was in fort worth, tx and we registered at 2 places. We received lots of gifts, gift cards and cash. (A friend of mine did not register a few years back and got 6 (!!!) toasters.) Since I am from texas and my husband is from hawaii, we had a reception in hawaii for his family and friends. (it was put together by my MIL since not everyone could afford the expensive plane ticket to fort worth and also hotel expenses.) we received 1 gift only which was a basket full of monarch butterflies that we got to release. EVERYONE gave us only cash. That is just how it is done in hawaii. Shocked me but we got to use towards a down payment. Was very cool but i could never flat out ask anyone for money.

Yes this is new and accepted in some circles. Just as other etiquette standards have changed, I suspect that this one will eventually be OK. I'm not sure it' so different from gift registries, tho. I have a friend who makes a point of buying something fitting but not on the gift registry.

Yep, super tacky. So are those money dances. Yuck.

There may be a new way of doing things for the younger generation and times do change. It doesn't make it proper and it doesn't mean it isn't tacky and sadly enough it will soon be the norm, just as bridesmaids paying for their own dresses is a norm now. I think some changes are bad and some are needed. To give out your bank information now days is not a good idea, but recieving money for a downpayment on a house certainly is a good idea. The way they should have done it is have parents and family memories spread the word around instead of putting it on the invitation. Guests are not required to give money, the choice is theirs. I have much more problem with the bridal party paying for their own dresses. It is assuming that each could afford to pay for a dress of the brides choosing. I think that is assuming way to much.
Times do change but class comes with tradition.

I don't know if this is a new trend or not, never heard of it before...and I get that most of the people below me are saying tacky...but I am so sick of buying "stuff" (undoubtedly made in China) that I would rather contribute to something worthwhile than more junk that will one day end up in a land fill!

~I would probably abide by their wishes and send along my $100 and hope it helps!

Some couples have what they need because they lived together, true. But some couples have what they need because they both lived separately (ie, did not live together before marriage) in their own places for years before even meeting each other.

My husband and I met when we were in our 30's. I lived in my own apartment for 10 years before I even met him.

We didn't live together until after the honeymoon, but we still had more than enough towels, dishes, etc.

Wow! Wish we could exchange that quesadilla maker for more money towards the principle on our mortgage!

They are now making registries for everything- my sis and her hubby had one for their honeymoon last year....however- registry details are NEVER supposed to be included in the wedding invite-that is horrible etiquette ; it is acceptable for the shower invite and to put on a website BUT NOT directly in the wedding invite. Yep tacky!

I don't think it is bad to ask for $ towards a down payment instead of getting gifts (though not in the invite). They are older and probably have all house items needed. However, it is very tacky to add a bank and account number. I think if people are going to give they will bring a check to the wedding reception to put in the card box.
I have to add that some of this info is usually put on a wedding shower invite or inserted into the invite on a seperate sheet of paper would probably be proper. Most people bring a check/card to the wedding any way.
When I got married a few good friends of mine were having $issues, but they came. I did not give a gift from them. I wasn't mad. I sent a thank you card for them attending. I don't think a wedding is about the $you get (though it's very nice), it's about the people who you share it with. We paid for our own wedding and kept the price minimal.

Holey canoli!! I have never heard of that one. I guess it is a new way to have loved ones invest in their future...definitely would ommit having take multiple gifts to the store but it does seem tacky though. The investing and frugal side of me thinks it is a cool idea...but the traditional side of me is leaning toward tacky and it would make people uncomfortable.

I think they should have distributed the information in another way, not in the invite, but the gift itself is not rude, IMO. We also had friends who love to travel and were in their 30s and didn't need more kitchen stuff, so gifts were encouraged to be monetary donations to their travel agent and later they sent out thank yous with photos from their trip.

I don't have a problem with WHAT they are asking for. I have a problem that they put it on the invitations. That is truly tacky.

No, you're not old fashioned. No, it's not considered acceptable for most people.

I wish I could have done that! BUT it is so tacky! Wow!

I think that is pretty bold to provide the bank and account number, but the request for monetary gifts is something that is becoming much more acceptable. More couples today are older and established; the last thing they need is another platter or relish tray. Truth be told, it also eases the gift burden as well; what to get an established couple?
I think it is more the way they requested it not so much that they did.

I got an invitation to a family member's wedding in another country a few years ago with a bank slip inside -- I was so pissed I never sent a gift. I think it's incredibly tacky.

Mentioning gifts on an invitation = TACKY! Their idea, great one. Just go about it differently please.

really, you're asking hehehe. It's 2011, ppl are doing random extreme things now-a-days that nobody ever heard of or that nobody would dream of doing a few years back. everything extreme or "out there" is in right now. :) but i guess we are old fashioned for thinking "what...really?"

I've actually been hearing of this for a few years, it's a new trend.

http://www.downpaymentdreams.com/
http://www.bankrate.com/finance/savings/4-alternative-wed...
http://ezinearticles.com/?Not-Your-Mothers-Registry---5-T...

well times have changed alot havent they? given the economy an all-id say its the way to go.my daughters getting married here on june 11th at her bridal shower they got a ton of stuff they didnt put on their list-which meant trips back to many stores.at least this way they arent getting alot of unwanted stuff-as far as putting all their info out their thats scarey.but their choice-hopefully no one gets the idea to rob their account.guess i wouldve just requested cash.

Hi L.,

About 15 years ago we moved to MN from Chicago. I was shocked to find out people actually gave physical gifts at a wedding. As were the gals I have become friends with here were shocked that we gave money as a gift. Different parts of the country do things differently.

All my life, and I am NOT young, we have given money as a wedding gift.

Usually, if you are invited to the wedding, you have been invited to a shower. That is where the physical gift from whatever registry the couple has registered comes into play.

The couple may use the gift as they see fit - down payment on a house, etc. NO ONE ever asks for actual money, especially on an invitation. Very rude. A "Gift" is exactly what the word is "Gift".

As to the gal who posted below who wore the "dress" to the wedding and her sister got angry with her because she was in blue jeans - get real! It's a wedding - DRESS UP !

Plain rude and tacky and I certainly think it's BS!!!!!!!!!!!! Where you're registered and what you prefer should never ever be placed n a wedding invitation....THAT'S WHAT SHOWERS ARE FOR. I certainly would go agains the grain here and NOT give a donation for a downpayment..It is never appropriate to tell/suggestion how people should spend their money...These people obviously have no class whatsoever!!! Obnoxious!

Personally I think its being practical. What good is a bunch of house stuff without a place to use it? I am 27 and im getting married soon. I already own a house and have plenty of "things" so we asked for help in paying for a honeymoon. I think a home for their new family is a very good cause.
Let me add that putting it on the invitation is not appropriate. We just told our parents and those that asked. Also our total wedding is costing less than 5000.00. I guess I think I would rather give a gift that people really want. My 20.00 or whatever amount is spent the same, regardless if its a coffee machine or towards a house.

In my opinion most couples have what they need already because they live together usually before hand. I prefer old fashion values myself where your a virgin until marriage and all of it but today they are not. If you think about the registration its telling you the things that people need and or want so if they only want a new home why not ask for it? I would be willing to give them cash for a new home then 4 colors of different stem ware! I obviously say traditional values but no one is that way anymore, so why not?

It's still tacky to include that sort of thing in the invitations, just like registry info. But I do kind of like the idea of contributing to something really worthwhile and, to say the least, useful!

Is there an option for kind of tacky, but sensible :) wedding invitation protocol states to NOT put the location registered, cash only, in lieu of, etc on the actual invitation, but to share by word of mouth. I think its acceptable to add it on the insert showing reception info. I also think the account number is a little over the top. A simple "money tree" would have been fine, then the bride or groom could have spent 15 minutes running to the bank and depositing it themselves. How will they write out their thank you notes? "Thank you for sharing our joy and the lovely card" with no mention of the $200 placed toward their home? Plus the possibility of someone draining the account. If a guest threw the invite in the trash, any shady character could get it. I don't think its a smart idea, but I'm sure it will catch on.

Also, I am mid to late 20's and I never would have put an account number on my wedding invitations! We registered at Target, and did a money tree. When guests RSVP'd they asked and we told them. We took the money we received to the bank.

We just got an invitation asking the same thing, but with a "cutely" worded poem. I was a little disgusted at it, but if they don't need all of the wedding stuff a couple gets because they don't yet have a house to put it in, why give it to them?

We plan on writing a check and not judging them for it.

I know it used to come across as rude when people placed cards telling you where they were registered. Then it became more widely accepted, if you are going to get them a gift it might as well be one they would enjoy---in a world that is quickly becoming one of instant gratification and a lack appreciation I often find myself asking how much is too much?
I got an invitation that said to only purchase gifts at a certain store so that the coulple wouldn't have to go around returning to different places, or to please give cash.
I think it is one thing if someone asks you, what you would like for a gift. But to go out and solicit--it comes off as money grubbing and spoilt.
My response to the invitation? I had something else come up that night.

Totally rude! Most people will give money anyway and they can use it toward their new house! Ugh.

i am actually getting married this july, and my fiance and i have lived together for 5 years. we have boughten everything that we have needed in the past. on the invitations peices i had regestered at Target for only a few items, and i had also asked for money. We rent so when i ask for the money it will be towards a down payment on a home. I did not and would not go as far as the bank name and account number. I dont think it is rude, or a new standards.

I don't see the difference between, say, telling guests where you're registered and giving a bank address to a down payment fund. Guests always have the option to give something else entirely.

With the trend towards getting married later in life, a lot of couples no longer need all of the typical wedding registry items as they already have established households. Also, a lot of the traditional items i.e. china, different types of glasses, etc. are simply no longer needed. Many people have transitioned to asking for help with their honeymoon, donations to their favorite charity, etc. in lieu of gifts. I think their request is acceptable but it sounds like the way in which it is being handled is tacky. You don't include bank account info! You have a collection box for checks/cash at the wedding. I also believe, personally, that you should always have at least a small registry somewhere in order to allow folks that can't give big money a chance to get you something meaningful. Someone that can afford a $20 gift will feel bad giving you $20 in cash/check. But that's me. If I were invited to this wedding, I would either give a card with a check at the wedding (or mail if not attending) or I would get/make them a personalized gift (engraved frame, handmade quilt, etc.).

I have heard it suggested that you NEVER directly ask for gifts or donations. By tradition you are not even to inlude the registry on the invite....if people want to know where to purchase what you are requesting they can contact the Mother of the Bride or the Maid of Honor who can then pass on what they are needing/requesting.

Updated

I have heard it suggested that you NEVER directly ask for gifts or donations. By tradition you are not even to inlude the registry on the invite....if people want to know where to purchase what you are requesting they can contact the Mother of the Bride or the Maid of Honor who can then pass on what they are needing/requesting.

Okay, it might be a bit tacky to ASK for gifts/donations, but if you know they'd rather have the money towards a down payment on a house instead of a gift, then why not just give a donation of whatever u would have spent on a gift? Even if it's 50 bucks, it's still 50 bucks towards their goal and one less shopping trip for you.

That sounds really odd. I too would be taken aback by this. I'd just let them handle their own mortgage issues & get them a nice gift if you like. I think it's pretty pretentious to ask for money as a gift, especially for a home down payment & even more so, in this economy not to mention only being a family friend & not directly family but I again think that's a bit tasteless. Hope this helps, good luck.

i would say that this is ok. i mean, what would a person do with another toaster, coffee pot, picture frame, etc?

its not ideal, and its not very personal and if you would rather make them something or if you have something extra special to give them, go for it, but otherwise, its likely that they have everything they need for a home together, so all they need is a home. dont feel pressured to give a large amount, i suppose whatever you would have given them take that cost and give them.

if you really dont like the idea, talk to them and see if they have any other needs. maybe they need help with their wedding in some way? maybe you are a wiz at photography? a DJ? decorator? handy with a sewing machine? cooking? see if there is another way you can contribute to their day! :)

Never heard of it....

But I'm 30 and been to my fair share of weddings. I've seen ones where they just wish for a pot luck of money towards their honeymoon. I mean couples today live together almost always before hand and have everything furnished in their home already. Why do they need a toaster? They've had one for years.

Times have DRASTICALLY changed so I think that's actually a good idea. Better than the honeymoon one I think and I thought that was a good idea. I mean what do we really give for wedding gifts anymore anyways. A friend of mine got married last year and she got OVER 20 frames! OVER! Why because we have no clue what to get people anymore because the house stuff we use to buy everyone to make their life with isn't needed.

So I like it.

Wow- not impressed.

well, i am on the fence, i do see the boldness in asking what to give, but i guess i would rather give something that will help them achieve thier goals and dreams vs the standard blender thing.