Wedding Registries Ain't What They Used to Be....

I don't see the problem. It's a wish list. There's no rule in place that says you HAVE to buy something off the list. Or that you HAVE to contribute to their honeymoon. They can put whatever they like on their registry - I doubt they're actually expecting to receive it all.

I find it disgusting when I go to buy gifts and the happy couple registered for clothes and other personal items. A wedding is not a "give me everything I want" fest. I have stopped looking at the registries and I buy what I want for the happy couple.

My gift, my choice.

A registry is a wish-list, plain and simple. Would you still be offended if they registered for very expensive china for 12 or top of the line appliances to throw lavish dinner parties while you struggled? What does it matter what they put on their wish list? They're not just throwing a party and setting up a list of gift requests, they're getting married and have set up a socially acceptable wish list. Many places also offer a discount on the items on your registry after the wedding, so adding all the things you want makes sense. As for the honeymoon fund link, some people don't like giving cash as they feel it's impersonal, so this allows people to gift cash gifts with a specific purpose. I'm sorry, but you just come across as sounding jealous that their wish list contains things you don't have.

I just got invited to a wedding with a similar registry. Instead of fancy zoom lenses, she wants fancy mirrors and purses! It truly pisses me off. I like buying couples items that help them build a future together. Instead, their list reads like a "wish list" of silly non-essentials. Whatever happened to towels and sheets? That's what we registered for. This friend is 40, btw! I thought a mortgage fund was more appropriate, and I told her so, but she opted for a Hawaii Honeymoon they cannot afford! Nothing like living life in the moment!

I really don't know what I will buy them. If I give them money (and don't contribute to their honeymoon fund --we didn't even go on a honeymoon!), they will just blow it, like all the rest of their money.

I am truly appalled by this latest trend.

I'm thinking of buying them a useless but expensive vase. Then they at least have something non-essential to look at everyday.

I'm with you and I'm not old-fashioned. We got married 6 years ago in September and had lived together for nearly a year when we got married. My mother and MIL both gave us some really great advice before we started registering... essentially to be conservative and broad with respect to costly items. They reminded us that some purchases were our responsibility, not our guests.

Dishes, towels, small appliances, china, kitchen gadgets, sheets, bedding, etc all appropriate wedding gifts. A camera with the lenses... we bought that as our our "gift" to eachother. The honeymoon... totally our responsibility to plan and fund. Furniture? Also our responsiblity.

Some people forget that a wedding isn't about a "gift grab", but about celebrating two families coming together. Most guests gave us checks or cash for the wedding, but many gave us gifts off of our registry. They were all appreciated. I received most of the "gifts" at my shower.

There's a wierd trend in registering... I actually got a housewarming invite with a registry listed. Really? I was planning on brining a gift, but it was going to be a gift card to Target and a bottle of wine. I also have a friend living overseas where they have done a baby registry through "Gift Drop"... you essentially contribute cash toward certain items. I get it- it actually saves on shipping and "conversion factors", but I'm essentially sending them a check. Not exactly my idea of a baby gift, but it's working for them.

I agree.
Ugh. SO tacky.
(I mean, take the cash and buy your lenses and pay for your honeymoon...but really? to "register" for it? Uh-uh.)

A lot of people put bigger items on the list because coworkers or friends will put their cash together and get them something awesome. And maybe the bride has some wealthy relatives too. Also, a lot of the smaller items tend to go fast. It's better for them to dream and have fun with their list, than to keep registering for another set of measuring cups. So long as they have practical choices on their list, then they aren't being rude.

Really, we were pressured to register for expensive, fancy silver and china and crystal platters... but we needed towels and a tooth brush holder for the bathroom instead. So, even the 'traditional' lists are kind of ridiculous too.

I think I probably agree with you. If you want cash, fine. But don't "label" it as a "fund", lol. That just sounds in poor taste to me. :/

But I think that the current generation has grown up with a lot of encouragement to "ask for what you want". We see it here on this site all the time: "you can't expect him/her/them to just know what you want---you have to speak up and tell them/ask for what you want".... Right? Granted, the context is usually quite different, but I think that the current population of younger people are hearing this more and more and more, from every angle. And all the "conventional wisdom" and "old-fashioned" ideas that used to be considered RULES of etiquette are being tossed aside.

Just think of the debates on this site simply on the issue of 'what does RSVP' mean, or "what do you do when you receive an invitation with RSVP on it"---as if it is up to the recipient to decide what it means. (shaking my head).

Agree with you 100%.

I'm w/ you too.
Completely tacky. : /

I really struggled with registering for my own wedding. You can't fit everyone's price range. If you go too far on the expensive side, people are turned off. If you go too far on the cheap side, you don't get what you really prefer. It is a rare opportunity to ask for those more expensive items that either several people will pool their money to get you or your grandma wants to spoil you for the sake of the occasion.

I agree with you. My wedding, to me, was not a chance to have people buy me extravagances or pay for things that we couldn't afford. Yes, my husband and I already had a lot of household things because we had each been living on our own for years. No, we didn't register for china and sheets. Nonetheless, we still managed to find many traditional household items for which to register that we use every day or on special occasions. We also added in that gift cards to places like Home Depot or Lowes were welcome (we had just bought a fixer-upper and were spending lots of time and money there). I know that some people don't mind the idea of chipping in to help pay for the honeymoon or a down payment on a house, but there's something about those "funds" that just feels crass to me.

People can register for whatever they want - you don't have to get it for them. Would you rather they register for another set of towels that they know they won't use? How about if they asked for china that cost the same amount as a camera lens, is that more acceptable?

In general, I think asking for money or gifts is tacky, but in the age of registries (which exist as a suggestion or guide - you don't have to use them), I think it makes sense that if what you really want is a trip to Hawaii, you ask for it. And if the giver doesn't want to give it to you, they don't.

I had a very reasonable and modest wedding registry, but I know when I was registering for my baby shower, I put all sorts of things on there that I didn't expect anyone to buy for me. Why? Because Babies R Us offers a discount on items that are added to the registry before the baby is born but have not yet been purchased by the due date! That means I could buy the items myself at a discount as long as they were on the registry in advance. I can assure you that none of my friends thought I expected them to buy me a crib.

I love to browse people's registries! A wedding my mom was invited to recently had that "honeyfund", I guess. They were going to the Bahamas for their honeymoon (all inclusive resort) and you could buy a massage, jet-ski rental, gift certificates to the restaurant, etc. My sister is also in a wedding where the gal registered for some really ridiculous stuff...an $88 cutting board, a rolling pin for $90, and a spatula for $36. She also registered at 5 different places.

I completely agree! Asking for honeymoon money is CRASS. Either save up for it, go on it later, go on something less expensive or have one of the families pay for it. I also don't think it's good to ask for personal items like camera lenses. I can see how that kind of straddles a line, but really? I think it should be kept to the household stuff as well. I will purchase entire place settings or nice serving platters or drinkware, kitchen appliances, etc. for people, but I would probably throw in $10 if I were asked to instead contribute to a "honeyfund."

I agree. In fact, I think that registeries and wedding gifts are a little silly altogether if the couple has money and has their home set up already. The purpose of bridal showers/wedding gifts was to help a young couple just starting out set up what they needed for a home. Without question, if I had a home set up (or had the money to afford what I needed), I would have asked for donations to charity, if people wished to offer a gift.

I, however, got married in a more traditional way (didn't live together before, owned very little). We registered for the basics -- plates, knives, towels and a few small appliances. Young friends could give a $10 spatula or knife, or wealthy relatives could give an entire block of knives. I wouldn't have done it any differently (and yes, I am part of this couple's generation, and still find it rude to ask people for luxuries when you could afford them yourself, especially in this economic climate).

The only way I find it ok is if a couple is older so they have a lot of stuff and they register for say a snorkling outing on their honeymoon or some other outing. I think it kind of depends on your social circle. Many of my friends got married older and have all the "stuff" they need and in trying to find something meaningful to give them, I"d have loved to give them an "experience." So hopefully while they're doing it they think "J. paid for this. How fun!" I sure don't remember who gave me which plate in our registry... I'm in the camp of money as a gift is just ridiculous overall though. Why not just sell tickets to your wedding? Same thing. So I'm very old fashioned and conservative about this type of stuff but the honeymoon events are one thing I think are kind of cool. But remember end of day, what you give or don't give is up to you and what they put on their list is really no reflection on what you're struggling with. If I were you then I'd not go to the wedding... A friend registered for real "silver". It was like $100 for one fork. Ridiculous but it's not different than a camera lense - just more traditional. I figured it's all they could come up with they don't already have to make a longer list. Or if that's what the bride wanted, I think it's ridiculous and raised an eyebrow but up to her. I just didn't get them a $100 fork.

I agree. But times are changing, and I suppose I need to C. with them. Yeah, registries sure are different now. My opinion on these registries is that they are designed to help the couple ensure that they won't get household necessities or home decor that they don't need or want.

Some people think it's tacky to give cash as gifts (not me - it is customary for Chinese people to give only cash), so they appreciate these non-traditional gift registries. Hopefully, they didn't include this registry info in your invitation.

If you are annoyed by the registries, by all means, just ignore them. They are only gift suggestions and aren't meant to be admission requirements to the big event--although my SIL trash-talked anyone who got her anything that wasn't on her registry. Just get your nephew and his sweet bride the gift you want to give them that is within your budget.

I agree with you. I am engaged and thinking about registry items and I plan on regestering for traditional items. I have no need for crystal/fine china; but a nice table setting - yes. Bed sheets, towels, appliances etc. Some things I have, but they are getting to a "replacement" time seeing that I have had them since I moved out (my hope chest). I have seen some standard/traditional ones but I have also seen ones that do have an option to add towards the honeymoon/down payment on a mortgage via internet sites - I rather purchase something than give cash personally. I do, however purchase what I can affoard, typically for a wedding a gift is 50 - if you are my sibling/family I will spend closer to 100.

I guess I don't see the difference between registering for 8 plates at $100 per plate or $450 for a serving bowl versus registering for other relatively expensive items that are wanted. I don't know too many people who would be comfortable purchasing just one or two plates for the couple nor do I know too many people who would be willing to purchase $800 worth of china.

However, I do agree that asking for cash is untoward.

I'm rather with you. Traditionally (yes, that's the bad word!) a registry was just a way to find things that would help a newly married couple set up housekeeping. These days most couples have already set up housekeeping.

But it's not written in cement that you must stick to what's on a registry list. You may give the couple anything you please.

My daughter is getting married soon and, while they will be setting up housekeeping *after* they tie the knot, they'll be setting it up thousands of miles away. So I'm taking deep breaths, and recommending (to people who ask) that they look on the registry, pick out something they'd like to give the couple, and then get a gift card for that amount instead, or have the gift sent to the same store in the new area! Shipping a lot of things to the new address is going to be prohibitively expensive, and if the bride and groom can use a card to get the item there instead of here, it will help them a lot. It's still tacky in my little brain, but eminently practical. I hope our friends will see it that way.

I would say a registry is a wish list. I had mostly household items on mine but some were more expensive than we could afford only being out of school a year or two. We were living together at the time but a lot of our household stuff was cheap or secondhand.

If you don't like the stuff on the registry you can always give money or pick something you like (maybe from the same store). I did exchange a few duplicate items to get bigger things I wanted off the registry.

My cousin got married in the fall of 2011 and this was the first time I had seen the honeyfund. The way theirs worked was you just printed out the "voucher" and gave them the money. The website never took your credit card info or anything like that. Also, the bride and groom in this case were trying to avoid having to use their credit cards and having to pay the expensive conversion fees. They had a registry but it was items that I would never purchase for them, so my husband and I used the honeyfund as an their gift. Part of me wishes that this had been around when I got married 7 years ago because my husband never had a honeymoon, we had a shoestring wedding. Great but we spent less that $2500. This way you know what they wanted and would use and appreciate.