We Once Were Hot lovers...now We're More like friends...don't Tell Me...

I really do think that's the way it goes. But shouldn't it? Life takes it toll, and after all of what you go through and deal with together, it's GREAT if you're best friends at the end of it.
That hot and heavy stuff wanes when other life things and knowing each other take over.
I think that's OK. I mean, there will come a time where he can't "perform on command", you know. And then a time when neither of you want it at all - when you're old and frail. That's just life.

I've said a thousand times before. If you're not friends with the person you're married to, you're never going to make it.
I wouldn't let that bum you out. Consider that you have a true mate for life. There's a LOT of people out there that, once the hot and bothered fizzes out, they find out that they don't really like the person that's left. Hello divorce.

Marriage is a curious thing. I just read this story on the news feed this morning, thought I'd share it, it's pretty different:

My parents separated five years ago. Less than two months later, they divorced, making a quick, though not-so-clean, break from their 18-year marriage. One year later, they started going on dates. Only not with new people, but with each other... and no one else. So how did my divorced parents find themselves in an exclusive relationship, again? I'd like to think I had something to do with it.

Not too long after the messy separation, I found myself sitting across from my father in front of a hot bowl of curry. It was just like any of our other weekly dinners. Only this time, things were different. He had his hands, then dry and cracked from the frigid season, buried in his peppered hair as he asked me if he should ask my mother on a date. "Do you think she'll say yes? " he questioned.

While their divorce was harsh, it wasn't irrevocable. So, being the meddler that I am, I said she would.

"Of course she would," I guaranteed.

And so they began dating. At first, my mom was hesitant. They would see each other sporadically for mundane chores, but soon, it all became much more. Dinner and movie dates turned into weekends biking on the beach. Trips to Delaware to visit my brother at college turned into week-long vacations in Aruba and Greece. And so on, and so forth, until "sleepovers at dad's" became my mom's new Friday night ritual.

The funny thing is, they -- and shockingly, I -- act as if everything is normal. As nosy and troublesome as I am, I never ask the status of their relationship. Not only because they seem truly happy, but also because I don't really want to know all the details. However, I do become... jealous, especially when conversations like this occur:

Me: Hi

Mom: Hi, Anna

Me: So, what are you doing tonight?

Mom: Having dinner with dad, I'm staying over

Me: I thought I was having dinner with dad tonight

Mom: Ask Dad

----

Me: Hi

Dad: Hi, hun

Me: So, you double-booked me, huh?

Ultimately, I am happy for them. I am happy for the innocent way in which they hold hands, kiss each other hello, and flirt at the dinner table. I love that we can have a family outing without the bitterness that exists among so many homes (married parents, or not). Will they move in together again? Will they get remarried? I don't know, and I don't ask. Because truthfully, I don't think they know the answer either (and maybe it doesn't matter).

Watching my parents begin a new relationship in front of my eyes has been the most fascinating experience I've had in my adult life. As perplexing and rare as the situation is, I appreciate their willingness to break the mold and live without the pressures of structure.

At the very least, holidays at this modern family's house are never short of entertainment.

These are the ebs and flows of relationship. It's hot and heavy. Then it's parenting, work, mortgages, bills, soccer and dance practice...the chores of life. You move into this partnership phase because it's all about working together to handle these chores of life. It makes for a great marriage but maybe a less that flaming hot relationship. I don't think it has to be one or the other, though.

It's a matter of identifying when it gets that way and making changes to fix it. I think it's good to adress the situation in a positive way. Kind of a "Remember when we were first together and all I had to do to get you in the mood was lay down? All you had to do to get me in the mood was walk in with your shirt unbuttoned and smile? Remember that? I want you to know that you are just as hot today as you were then and if you were to walk into the room with your shirt unbuttoned and smile, I'd still be in the mood. So what do we do to make the best use of our time? How do we get back to the place where we don't say, 'I'd really like to do this, but the kids need a bath, or the bills need to be paid, or today was crappy.' I used to be your answer to a crappy day and you were mine. Let's get that back."

Then see what he says.

I'm with Lisa. My husband & I have been together for 15 years, married for almost 13. Our kids are 10 & 12 years old so pretty much self-sufficient at this point (I mean like to get their own breakfast on the weekends & such) which definitely helps give us more "grown-up time". We have sex on a regular basis, and it's not all of the rock-your-world-type, but it's always good. This past weekend was so good that yesterday morning he actually sent me a thank-you text while I was at work.

It's like Lisa said, you have to remind each other of how things were in the beginning. I find that new lacy underthings can do wonders. If you're a toy kind of couple, surprise him with something new. If not, after the kids are in bed go into the bathroom, light some candles, & ask him to come in as you're hopping in the shower. Once you get back into the swing of the fun, hot stuff, it's not that difficult to keep up. And it really doesn't need to be that way every single time for it to be fantastic once a week.

We go through stages too. It's funny what will spark the comeback. Like you said, it's never the stuff they reccomend. Candle lit dinners, big planned dates, they never spark romance for us. The most recent thing that made me just crave his touch was that I went through something emotional and he was completely there for me with total support and great advice. Suddenly I find myself hurrying home and thinking about him all day again.
The last thing I did that really revved his engine was suprised him. Men are so visual. He bought me a black lacy fringed poncho cover thing to go over a black tank top and jeans a few months ago. I walked into the living room wearing it with nothing underneath. The suprise of obvious raw feminine sexuality shocked him into being my slave again.

I hear what you are saying...But since marriage and kids and stress there are bound to be ups and downs. Do you have regular date nights. I found that keeping the passion alive is when we are deliberate in making time for eachother. We have three little kids, stress and fatigue with work and sometimes I feel like I am just a helpmate with the household. I know I've been the initiator lately as well. While he is mostly receptive he does tell me he feels terrible about his weight and that holds him back quite a bit. I think he deals with sleep apnea and doesn't sleep well thus fatigue...so a lot going on. Keep things positive and communication so you know what your husband is thinking. Get the reassurance and then be deliberate in connecting with eachother.

I think people need to remember as you get older you have less energy and more responsibility. There are times when Troy is interested and I have no choice but to say I am too tired. Maybe it would be easier to say too tired as opposed to not responding, ya know? Troy will just not respond, I know because he is too tired but he just won't say that.....

Perhaps you should speak to him and say I get it, we have a lot on our plate, I just want to know you still want me but....insert reason.

I think it comes and goes. There are times that Bob and I are "hot and heavy" then we are "slow and friendly"...to be honest - friends is ALWAYS a good thing!! This means you have things in common and can talk! When it's passion only - all you have is sex and while sex is GREAT - you have a LIFE...that entails kids, work, home, etc....

I'm sorry that you went to bed angry - that sucks and doesn't bode well for anyone!! I'm glad things are better this AM!!

I know there are people who have been married for years - like 35 and better - who are like teenagers one week and the next? "Old fogies".

Please remember that you change over time. You grow up. You have responsibilities and those can interfere with the passion. Keep being friends. Keep talking...keep doing things together...life is like a roller coaster...you have highs and lows...turns and twists...just ride it TOGETHER!!

I've been married for 29 years. Yeah, we've gone through lower periods, when the babies were little, sleepless nights, etc, when we were separated due to his work, and when he travels (still). Sometimes we get "off schedule" and then remember that it has been a week! Isn't your "friend" lonely? LOL! I like the every other night thing - it keeps my "lady bits" as someone called them here a few days ago, in good working shape. If I go too long, I get really sore and I don't like that!

At our age, it's important to work on our sex lives. I got the book Sex Over 50 by Joel D Bock PhD (you can buy it on amazon.com) because our bodies are changing and it's an important thing to address. I don't know how old you are, but I would try getting a book and sharing it with him.

After being married for several years, it's also important to work on your sex life, even if you aren't close to becoming an AARP member! It's an investment in your future together. So go get a book, or a magazine, or something to "share" with him, and get him interested again!

Dawn

I feel your pain lol. Let me know when you figure it out!

I'm looking for something in red..........
Laurie Morgan right?! I was listening to this just a couple of weeks ago - I remember how much I liked it as a teen but realized it brings on a whole new meaning now!!!!!!!!

I came to the conclusion it really holds some truth...........at least in my life it certainly does.

My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for about 4 1/2. We've got 3 kids, ages 10, 6, and almost 3. I'm 40, and he's 42. Life is very busy. We don't have time to be quite as romantic as we used to, but we still feel the romance and passion. We don't have sex several times a night anymore, but it's unusual to skip more than a night or two. I often find that I'm really tired, but generally if all it is is one of us is tired, once we get started, we find the energy somewhere. OTOH, if we're truly not in the mood, that's different. Happens occasionally.

I still miss him when he's at work all day, and find myself daydreaming or fantasizing about him. We both make a bit of an effort to keep it hot, but it's really not that difficult. I guess we're just lucky.

This sounds to me more like you have a higher sex drive than him. I hear more sexual frustration than lamenting the way things used to be. I think most couples are okay with the slow down of passion and sex because they are both slowing down together. Sounds like he's slowing and your not. Otherwise, you'd be more than okay with it like the rest of us.

God I hope that is how it goes.... you just end up best friends. Isn't that the goal?? To marry your best friend. Someone that will be thereno matter what! Someone who you love being around even if sex couldn't happen.
My hubby and I are going on 6 years and had 2 kids back to back. They are 2 & 3 and lets face it, we are beat most days. We have sex 1-2 times a week and I think that is fine for where our busy life is right now.
Do I miss the fun hot and heavy times? Yes. Do I miss the days when we would do it 10 times, drink ourselves silly on the beach until sunrise? Yes... but do I love my family and what we have now more? Yes Yes!
I daydream about life before kids, but I am not that young crazy kid anymore and neither is he. As we get older we just moved into a new phase and to be totally honest I am glad it is that strong friend phase... well friends that still do it and love each other lol.
I imagine as we get even older and uglier sex will become even less important and I am ok with that. Because I know the wrinkely old man across from me, is my BFF and we love being with eachother regardless.... i guess we can just sit around and talk about those crazy fun times and laugh together....