Need Advice to Keep My Marriage Alive

I know how you feel my husband and I were there. I am LDS as well and he is not. The best thing I can tell you is to ask him what he wants from you. In bed, in a friendship, and as a wife. I know this sounds weird but it works. After talking try to do as he told you and he should do the same. If you want a book there is a lot at the desert store. (the LDS bookstore)
If you feel like you need someone to talk to you can contact me. I know we don't know each other but I think we need to all stick together. I hope this help a little, good luck.

Hopefully you have good communication. You need to see a marriage counselor regularly. One through LDS Services. That's what my husband and I did. We actually had the same problem but the roles were reversed.

Hi M.,

The two books I have read that have been the most helpful for my marriage are "The Five Love Languages" and "And They We're Not Ashamed" The first one is great about explaining the different ways a person feels and shows love, the second is a good book about sex (very appropriately written)

I would start with "The five Love Languages" It's short and truely fantastic, I think that just about any couple willing and wanting to save their marriage (or even just be successful in their marriage) should read this book!

Good Luck!

Wow! You have a lot of things working against you - work schedules, personalities, and the kids - hormones most definately at work with you. That is very common and wreaks so much havoc on our sex lives.
I am LDS, too and the very best book out there is written by an LDS woman - Laura M. Brotherson, And They Were Not Ashamed - Strengthening Marriage Through Sexual Fulfillment.
It has many different sections, so you don't have to read the whole book or focus on the physical part. There is a chapter about things you can do as a couple just to be closer in your relationship that is really good.
Check out her website www.StrengtheningMarriage.com
There are a lot of good articles and info there and that might give you some help.
I think you are strong to look for help and not give up completely - because just living the way you are living is not good for either of you or your children.

Hi M.,

I'm not LDS, but I think the issues you mentioned are quite universal. ALL married couples have to work on their marriage. If you don't, things go to pot. Sounds to me like it's not necessarily about the sex anyway. Sounds like maybe its more about intimacy, compatibility, trust and attraction. Of course all of these things manifest themselves in the bedroom. Sounds like you guys might have a lot deeper issues. Money is huge. Its the #1 reason why people get divorced. I don't know why financial compatibility isn't stressed more in pre-marital counseling. Here's my advice:

1. Start talking. Especially about money. Put down, in writing, a budget that works for the both of you. Talk about your financial goals. What are they? Do you want to pay off debt? Save for college for your kids? Plan for retirement? Save for vacations? Christmas? Talk about it. Make a plan. It doesn't sounds sexy, but believe me, when you're on the same page financially, it takes a huge amount of stress off your relationship. One thing that works really well for us is an allowance system. I think everyone needs a little disposible income to play with. If all you can afford is $5 each a week, fine. But you should have some money that is your own that you can spend on whatever you want (lunch, make-up,golf - whatever) without feeling guilty. There are lots of different systems out there. Find one that works for the two of you and stick to it. You might have to try a couple different ones before you find what works, but trust me, it is so worth it.

2. get back to basics. I know it sounds silly, but start dating again. I think the best thing you can do for your relationship is spend time ALONE together - and not in the bedroom. Go out to dinner, take a walk in the evening, go to a museum - whatever you guys liked to do before you had kids. My husband and I have a once a month date (used to be once a week before we had our baby) where we find a sitter and go out somewhere. I look forward to these dates so much. For one thing, I get to eat at a normal human pace instead of gobbling down my food and trying to spoon mac and cheese into someone else's mouth. For another, I get to talk to my husband without thinking about what I'm going to make for breakfast, what chores I need to do, etc. Its just a time to focus on us! If you can't get a sitter, then choose a night (or maybe in your case, day) that works for you guys when the kids are asleep or napping and have dinner or play a game - something fun that's just the two of you. Sounds like with your work schedules it can be really hard for the two of you to find time together, and that will really eat away at a relationship. So make it a priority, find what time you can and make it special.

But the most important thing you can do, is talk. Talk to your husband about the way you are feeling. Make it as honest as you can. Don't blame, but just share. The more you keep things bottled up, the easier it is to distance yourself. If you keep talking with your spouse, its easier to remember that they're a human being, with feelings and emotions too and that once upon a time you two fell in love and there had to be many great things about that person that attracted you in the first place.

And one last thing. I think women just work differently than men when it comes to sex. There is a very emotional side of things for women - when you're not happy with other aspects of the relationship (like money, or time), then it affects our attraction to our mate. So getting the other things in your relationship in order, so you're getting along and happy, I think you'll find the sexual attraction comes back and you'll feel more willing (so its not just a chore to check off your list). You might also want to talk with your husband about what makes you feel more in the mood and let him have an opportunity to help romance you a little better. Just be careful not to criticize. That's not fun for anyone, but maybe phrase things like "I really like it when we kiss longer." or whatever it is you want to say.

Anyway, I'm glad you made this post. It made me thing about my relationship, sex drive, etc. and I'm sure there are tons of women out there that feel the same way. Good luck with everything!

J.

try the book "Becoming one. Intimacy in marrage" it was written by 3 different people so it has a very personal prospective. It shed a lot of light on questions/ doubts my husband and I had. I've also heard "And they were not ashamed" by Laura M. Brotherson is highly helpful. although, Reading the book alone will not fix your marriage it sounds like you are really on the road to re-balancing your life. Good for you!

The number one red flag I see is working opposite schedules. If being a stay at home mom is not feesable then I sugest altering things so you can spend more free time together. This will help not only your one-on-one relationship with him but will also benifit in raising your children. You'll be able to fill each other in on the milestones and the disapline tactics you are trying to accomplish in the home, helping you become one on a different level than physical.

I like the comments about making time for intamacy even if you are not "in the mood" Sex is the way we renew our covenants of marriage and stay close to God. It is not unusual to pray for a stimulating experiance during sex. This is nothing to be emberrased about, After all Sex is a commandment. The Lord will provide a way for you to fullfill your needs and the needs of your family threw these means.

I noticed you just had a baby 4 months ago. I wouldn't be surprized if your hormones are having a difficualt time re-adjusting becuase of lack of sleep, stress and so forth. It might not be bad to get your DR's opionion.

As for counseling, I don't always support that method. If you acknowledge there is a problem then do everything you can to correct it with God's help. Sometimes we need the education and input of others here on earth to be the answer to our prayers, but for the most part I think our scociety leans too heavily on counselors when they should be taking reponsability and communication into their own hands.

I hope everything works our beautifully for you. I think it is wonderful that you and your husband are trying to make a difference in your marriage. You deserve the best, and obviously at one point and time you both were giving each other the best. The atonement works in many unseen ways.

Much Love.,
K.

M. I know how you feel. I to am LDS and have been married for 20 years. I have an 18y son, 16y daughter, and a 8 year boy. One thing that I've learned is that it is impossible to live up to the molly mormon image and if you try you'll just go nuts!!!! Most important make sure that you and your husband get out once a week even if its just to go for a walk or an ice cream , etc... just make sure that you're gone for at least a couple of hours. You don't have to spend money to have a good time. Also take turns doing something that you or your spouse enjoys doing. Also in addtion to date night try and take some time for your self I always found that taking a nice long bath was a way for me to relax and destress. I hope I can be of some help just realize that you can say no to work and to church on occasion the lord will understand he doesn't expect us to do it all he doesn't mind if we share the load a bit. Anytime you have any questions I'll be happy to answer them.

T. Fultz

You have lots of great advise her and I would like to add just a couple things.

There is a GREAT book that I recommend to every engaged (to read alone) and married couple (to read together) called "THE ACT OF MARRIAGE" by Tim and Beverly LaHaye. They are Christian authors who approach sex in a mature and descriptive way but do it with tact and reverence. This book was recommended to us by a professor at BYU who gives it to all his kids before they are married. I have loaned this book to friends (who are married) and they have said it was a great learning book. You need to look into this book. Go to www.goodreads.com and search the title of this book - there are lots of reviews that can help you.

A question - are you on birth control? I found that birth control is a sex drive killer. If you are on birth control, you may consider another form of contreceptive (condoms work for us) and see if your drive improves. Talk to your doctor about this and they can really help you find the right option for you.

Good luck.

If you don't want to read this, the best advice is pray for help. It won't necessarily come suddenly, it might come gradually but be patient. In some ways this rings a bell with me because I'm the same way with sex. It tends to be on my "To do" list. Chores, sleep, kids always seem to come first. Has this always been the case for you? I know my husband works very hard to please me and we have really good communication. This helps us to at least keep our relationship stable, while we are improving our sex life. I am very much in love with my husband and he with me and have realized even if we are always working on this I am happy just being married to him. Although I know for his sake I really do need to enjoy it more because guy's if they truly have your best interest in mind feel kind of like a failure in sex if they can't please you. I have read all kinds of things, and nothing really has helped with this. What it comes down to is that I need to let a lot of things go, and be more willing to spend more time intimately with my husband. He will do his part in trying to please me if I let him. The problem is, I always come up with an excuse to just "get it done" Like a to do list. I am hoping now that I am done working and will be a stay at home mom I will get better with this. I worked as a teacher for 3 years because we honestly knew it was what God wanted, and now we know it is time for me to be at home. Is this a possibility? Working and taking care of kids probably is making you too tired to even want it, I know that is what it did to me. Secondly I am fully aware that I would be this way with any guy. At least with my husband I feel loved and wanted and secure. I also know that if we continue to work at it with God eventually it will get better. You can always pray before sex. It is sanctioned by God. Another thing is my husband and I are opposites in that same way too. Embrace it there are positives and negatives to both. Rather than hate it about each other you can learn from each other and eventually come to a happy median. Never try to change your husband. Love him for his strengths. You can only change yourself. I'm sure you have heard this before, but pray to understand it and be able to do it. No matter how bad it seems now. It would be worse without him. The best resource is God himself. Turn to him in prayer. The last piece of advice I will give I am hesitant to give only because it will anger all of the feminists out there. In fact when I first heard it I balked at it at first, but the advice came from my bishop and so I trusted him and prayed about it, and now in my 3 1/2 years of marriage I understand the wisdom in it. If one of you is turned on and the other one isn't Do it anyways, because if you don't it will leave the other one feeling really worked up. Usually it ends up being the guy. The wisdom in it, is this. Guy's
need a release they do. Plus that really is how guy's like to express their love. If I didn't listen to this advice we probably wouldn't ever have sex and that would definitely be a problem in our marriage. Sorry this is so long. Hope this helps.

Last month my DH and I were privileged to hear Dr. John L. Lund speak at an Enrichment activity. He was awesome! He talked about communication in marriage and it was excellent. He was entertaining and educational and so right on. We immediately went home and checked out via the Salt Lake County Library system a DVD of him speaking (I believe it was called "How Do I Love Thee") and it was equally awesome/entertaining/educational. We are learning how to communicate to each other and listen to each other in the way that Dr. John Lund spoke about. We plan to read some of Dr. Lund's books together now.

It sounds to me like you have a simple problem of communication (the whole world does). You express love to each other in differing ways and simply knowing how each of you expresses and interprets love can really make a difference because then you can see it and express it for each other in each other's own ways. Dr. Lund talks about that in his DVD talk. If nothing else I encourage you to get on Salt Lake County Library System and put that movie on hold and watch it together.

But I have one other piece of advice. And that is date nights. You two are so busy working at opposite ends of the day that you need time to see each other. Time away from home and away from work and away from the kids. Nothing else is more important. Not even food. My DH and I changed our attitudes about date night two years ago (from a "We can't afford it" attitude to a "This takes precedence over every thing else in the budget" attitude) and it has made so much of a difference in our marriage. I know our kids are happier because they know my DH and I love each other. I grew up in a home with parents fighting constantly and absolutely refuse to do that to my kids. Date nights, mini-moons, weekend get-aways are all so important. You fell in love with him once before, you can do it again and again. You need to for your kids, for him and for you. So figure out a way to make date night work for you. My parents (who have a much better marriage now then they did when I was growing up) take turns planning the date nights. That works for them. For us I just spend about 3 or 4 hours every 3 months and plan our date nights out for us for three months at a time. I try to get tickets to things because then we are much more likely to get a baby sitter, get out of the house and go. There are lots of things at Temple Square and free concerts in Salt Lake or walks at a park for cheaper dates. There are movies and plays for more expensive stuff. Athletic events at the local universities are great too. There are lots of ideas out there. Find what works for you and make it a huge priority. And keep on working on it. Having a successful happy marriage is not an event, it is a life-long project. Best wishes to you both.

There is a book and I think it is called Love and Marriage. It is a great resource. Are you nursing? I am nursing my 6 month old and I have heard that nursing messes with your desire for sex. I know it has for me. I am also so tired that by the time night comes I just want to go to sleep. If you have a Deseret Book or Seagull Book they are a great resource for LDS marriage books and there are some great ones out there. Don't give up, I'm sure this is just a phase. Just don't forget to remember your marriage and spend some alone time together like going on a date or just put the kids in a stroller and go for a walk.

so why did you marry him? you must have gotten along at some point in time? it sounds like you aren't friends anymore, which is sad. i would stop and think about why you married this guy in the first place. what did you do together when you dated? i am sure you did stuff. try to remember those things and don't turn it into what he does that you don't like or the things you don't like about him. try to do what you can to make him happy. if he is doing the same for you, you sould be happy. the sex should come once you have a good friendship base. My husband and i always say that if we weren't friends marriage would be hard because sex isn't what holds you together. good luck and talk to your bishop. i am sure you are both being more selfish than you think, and it would do good to have an outsider talk you through your problems. good luck!

Talk to your doctor. You might be in need of Testotoron. Sorry about the spelling. (T) is what gives you a sex drive. Many women need it. All your doctor will do is prescribe you a ointment that you apply daily to help boost (T). Let me tell you. I had no desire what so ever and I talked to my OBGYN about it and she gave me this and It really works. I mean I am not a horn dog or anything but I got my drive back.

The sad truth is men need and enjoy sex way more than women do. So sometimes it does become one of those 'to do jobs'. I've been married ten years and only recently (the past two years) has sex gotten better. A lot of it has to do with attitude. I decided that this needs to be done so why do it grudgingly. I deserve to have fun too, right? I communicated more about what was working for me. Also my husband bought a little vibrator for me. I felt silly and weird about that but it works. Make that part of fore-play. Just HAVE FUN. That's the main goal. And strangely enough, you will feel a lot closer to your husband. Someone told me that to keep your relationship close, you should try for intimacy three times a week. I think they were right.
I hope you can change your work schedule. I don't see how you could have energy for your kids AND your husband. Tell him how you feel. Honesty is essential!
As for differences, every couple has them. Sometimes I wonder about my marital choice. But pray for more love, understanding and common interests. Look for the good and you will find it.
C.

I think when you both get as busy as the two of you sound, the marriage suffers. But how do you slow down life? If you are really struggling you could try going to a marriage counselor. The church has some good ones and sometimes you can get help from the ward if money is tight. Our stake has a strengthening marriage class that was helpful for us. It hasn't been that long since you had a baby either. I noticed after my second baby I had no desire for sex at all. My hubby would have loved it if we did it once a week but it was more like once a month. It was almost 10 months after I had my baby that I even had a tiny desire for sex. If you are struggling with that I know there are things that can help too. Maybe talk to your doctor or try some herbal remedies. You two need to take time for each other though too. Remember why you married each other in the first place and maybe try to go out just the two of you once a month. Take time to talk to each other and do things for one another. Good luck to you.

Hi M.. I'm so sorry for the hard times you are having at home. It is so difficult to work full time, be a mom and then make time to be intimate with your husband. I watched my friend Kris and Josh's marriage crumble and end in divorce a few months ago because they were both working full time and never saw each other, fell out of love, and then broke up. Their kids are ages 4 and 2. Do you have to work full time? I graduated in Family Life Education and studied a bit about how to keep families together. I can see that your marriage and family will crumble if you continue to work full time. The kids need you and your husband needs you. Have you thought about working for Jet Blue? www.jetblue.com (click on the employment opportunity link) You can take calls at home in the evening for customers who need assistance, get paid and have flight benifits. It seems when you take time for yourself, then being intimate with your husband is more natural and fun. Take some time for yourself every day...get out and go walking. Also, make sure your husband gets some of you at least every few days. He needs you or he will have to go somewhere else to get what he physically needs and that is scary. Another way to help with feeling more like being intimate is to get yourself some hot new lingere, ..for women the art of making love is mostly in the mind. You have to prep all day and we are stimulated by sound and scent. Get some romantic music on, doll yourself up, light the candles, it is such an amazing gift that we can give to our husbands. When I don't feel like it, once I get going it always feels so good.

There is a great book out there called Intimate Issues. It's pretty good and can help your sex life in a way that follows the bible. I don't know who wrote it but I read it about seven years ago. There's even a recipe for a great romantic night in the back of the book. It's hard too when you work nights. My mom did that for years and her days were really messed up because of being tired. Good luck!!!

if you are nursing your baby this makes perfect sense....while you nurse your body releases hormones that lower your sex drive, it is like natural birth control, your body is telling you "you have a young baby, no need to try for another yet"!.......but when you slow down nursing or stop your sex drive will go up all on its own

some things to try are having sex earlier in the day....somewhere other than the bedroom, maybe try some lubrication....i'm sure you may have heard these before but good luck! some parts of a relationship may be strained with a new baby but others can be made stronger and everything will work out

You could go to a therapist. My husband and I went to one and before it I was ready to be out of the relationship but after we've been together for 6 more years and it seems to still be working. There is a really good one in Orem if you are interested let me know. Try to remember why you got married in the first place, dress sexy or go to bed naked. Get a babysitter for a night. Take some time off both of you and take a mini vacation together. Make sure you have a date night often, the church says once a week but for us that isn't always possible. Having sex once a week is actually not that bad! For women we have a hard time enjoying things like sex because a lot of us that were brought up in the church are pretty much not told anything about it or it's a bad thing not to mention we have a million things running through our minds even during sex that makes it impossible for us to enjoy it and turns us away from wanting to have it. find a way to clear your head, write everything down. Make sure that's taken care of then concentrate on having an intimate relationship with your hubby. I'm sure you are tired from your schedules so maybe there is another way to make it financially without putting a strain on your marriage. I hope something I said helped good luck

M., First thing I would say is talk to your doctor as to when you might have healed from the birth since you don't feel like having sex. Take your time, there are lots of ways for intimacy & touch. A good course I took is called Tantric Sex by Carolyn & John Muir, not sure website but they live in Hawaii and come to states leading week end courses. As for your marriage, go to www.Landmarkeducation.com They have amazing courses called the Forum that saved my marriage. I have been married for 30 years, and love my life.

It may be a bit overwhelming at first but try the Institute manuel on marriage and family. I took the class before i got married before i even met my husband and it's been useful in my marriage! Also try talking to your husband to see if there is maybe some time you could take off from work and spend some more time together. Working opisite shifts is hard enough on a marriage so maybe seeing what could be done (if anything) to change that?? these are just ideas so don't feel obligated to do anything i say k!!! i wish you the best and am proud of you for wanting it to work!

I understand about sticking together for the eternal reasons. And having kids does add to the complication if you were to end your marriage. You want the perfect family photo for your kids, to have two parents under one roof, to teach them the gospel together. I've felt the way you do many times.

As for the attraction/chemistry problem... your baby was only born 4 months ago. I think in a few months things will change. I'd look into herbal libido remedies and see if some kind of vitamin can help your drive. Do some research online for that or go to the health food store for help.

Also, I find when I make a huge effort to serve my husband and go out of my way for him on the small things... he reciprocates and the romance seems to come back. Pretend you are dating and try to remember the good old days... write him love notes to find on the bathroom mirror in the morning... leave him a treat is his car... SHOW the non physical love and the physical may come back.

I recommend "And They Were Not Ashamed". This is written from a woman's point of view and is an excellant source of information.

You mention your main concern as lack of sex drive, but then you talk about thinking of ending the marriage. Is there an underlying issue that neither of you are addressing? That could contribute to less interest in intimacy. And having two children, working off-schedule, especially nights, can be big sources of stress to a marriage!
I would suggest getting in to counceling. Ask your bishop for a referral to LDS family services. That way, you can make sure that you hear each other - concerns and great things in your marriage. Even if you are not on the verge of divorce, it can be very helpful in strengthening your relationship to withstand the storms of life.

Hi M.,

First off your sex drive is nil because you just had a baby and I know how it is after you have two kids. You get so busy with children and work and the demands of adulthood that the marriage seems to be on the back burner.

If you want to save your marriage you need to be sure you are feeding that relationship more than any other except your relationship to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

I had to start by remembering the wonderful things that I fell in love with when we were first courting. You need to find a way to spend time together that have nothing to do with sex and be sure you express your worries about your sex drive with your spouse. He needs to understand that it isn't because you don't love him it's just there isn't any hormones there for it. I wouldn't stop either and perhaps you may need to explore some ways that would make it better for you. Hopefully your hormones will kick in within the next year.

It sounds like you are really stressed too and that doesn't help. Some times making time for yourself can help too.

Dr Laura has a few books out on marriage and taking care of your relationship with your husband. She is all about being plain and to the point and it can be hard to swallow sometimes. But as the scriptures say sometimes the truth can be pretty hard to swallow.

If you still love your husband, which I am sure you do, remember you need to maintain that relationship first.

I hope this helps...I am LDS, married 6 years and have 2 children, too and I know none of it easy but Heavenly Father always says it is worth it.

Go on a date with your husband. My husband and I helped the kids with the paper route. We just needed time to talk, we now get to go shopping together, we also have jobs were we can talk alot (on the cel phone NOT TEXT) durring the day when we are (apart) work.
There is a book out cant think what the name is called it is written by L.D.S. people I will get back to you with the name.
Good Luck

I know you have already been given some good advice. I didn't read them all, so I might be repeating what others have said. My husband and I have had this problem our whole marriage, we just hit 6 yrs. Some of it is me and some of it is him. I became tired of it one day, and started buying to help us,they are more helpful if you can get him to read them with you. The first one I read was "Spiritual Truths About Intimacy" by Wendy L. Watson; I also read "Sex Begins In The Kitchen" by Dr. Kevin Leman. I know that one sounds bad, but really it isn't, it teaches you and your spouse that intamacy is more than sex, and how your everyday actions can satisfy and ignite passion. I bought both of these books at Seagull Book for less than $12. I am also about to read "You Don't Have To Slay My Dragons Just Take Out The Trash" by Beverly Campbell, also bought at Seagull Book. I also suggest that you talk to your bishop and your husband about getting some counseling through LDS social services. Ther could be a reason for your lack of desire that you aren't even aware of. You also might want to check your thyroid,hormone, and stress levels, these could be causing this. I hope you can work it all out.

After having a baby, your hormone levels are naturally lower, which decreases your libido. My husband calls it "natural birth control" and we try to laugh about it, knowing it's not the end of the world. Like you, I have a 4-month-old baby right now, and have very little sex drive. Yes, sex feels like a "duty" for me quite often, but I can recognize how much my husband appreciates it -- even if it isn't most appealing to me. Good communication helps a lot, and letting your husband know a lower libido normal during and after pregnancy is important. If you are breastfeeding, your sex drive may continue to stay low for quite awhile. My doctor prescribed an estrogen cream for me that helps make things a little more comfortable, though I still don't feel a lot of interest. Trying to show natural affection is helpful -- a pat on the shoulder as he walks by, or cuddling in front of the TV for a movie. Even if you don't feel "sexy" it helps to show that you care. Just try to remember sex isn't the only reason you got married, right? And it's definitely not the only reason to STAY married.

I can recommend a good LDS author -- Douglas E Brinley. He has some good books out there for LDS marriages and family development. His book "Between Husband and Wife" is all about intimacy and is tastefully done. The first part is the "how to" of sex, but the second half is about how to keep sex a special part of your marriage. He also has several audio cassette series on marital relationships... is a good public speaker.

A marriage counselor might also be helpful, but only if you're comfortable talking about these things. Good luck.

Hi M.,

I too am LDS and have been through these feelings. I found that a lot of my feelings were from lack of sleep. AND a little bit of depression. Sometimes we have depression without even realizing it. I started taking St. Johns Wart. It is an herbal form of medication for depression. All natural. Also, you need DATE nights with your husband. To help get back what you felt when you were dating. Comunicate with him and share your thoughts with him. Maybe if you two spend a little time alone, get a babysitter, then you might get the spark back into things. Even if you have to "schedule" time together, try spicing it up a little by getting some sparkling cider and candles. Good luck and don't give up. Things will get better. Also, remember that you can talk to the Lord and HE will help you!

If it's any consolation whatsoever, you are so not the only one! It's work for a lot of women, so don't think too badly of yourself. Try marriage courses or family enrichment things. Maybe some counseling with a trusted bishop would be a good idea too. At the risk of sounding cliche, "Keep moving forward". It WILL get better. Praying for you!

IMO I would talk to your dr. I noticed that you have a baby that is 4 months. Your hormones and post pardium blues can make the idea of having sex out of the question. It is double true if you are breastfeeding. I am not LDS, but my husbands family is and his mom is who took me in and they put me on an extreemly low dose anti depressent-made a world of difference in everything. Truely though I could have written the part about being different-my huband is also very laid back where I am a goer and doer. Can you guys carve out a date night every few weeks? Just a few hours kid free-sometimes that will remind you why you loved him to begin with. While it might not give you more desire, it will help your relationship because a good marrage starts with a friendship. Lastly-don't be too hard on yourself-you are working and then home with two kids while your husband works-you are TIRED. Your body wants to sleep and catch up. Talk to your husband about being tired and overwhelmed at times-make it a family goal to get through this hard time together. Sometimes just knowing someone will listen and be there is all it takes to start to feel like everything will be ok. Anyway that is all just my opinion because I have been there. Good luck to you and message me anytime if you just need to talk or vent.

I can definitely sympathize with you about the sex part. I was that way after my last baby. But I think that was also because I was taking Lexapro. I stopped taking it for that reason. Sex is an important part of your marriage because it's how your husband feels love. But what about you? Are you feeling loved by him? Last week my mom's ward had a lesson on marriage and the teacher told them to go home and ask their spouse, "what can I do to be a better husband/wife?" So I did that because I wanted to tell my husband somethimg he could do better. Since we got married nearly 7 years ago, he only touches me when he wants sex. Except for kissing hello and goodbye, he doesn't just cuddle me or hold my hand or hug me for the heck of it anymore and that bothers me. So I told him I need that affection regularly without any anticipation of sex. He really didn't realize that. And since then he's done better at it, although I do have to remind him. But it makes a difference. It's how I feel love from him. Maybe you should have a chat with your husband about things you could be both do to make each other happier. Take a trip together. I agree that book, "the Five Love Languages" is good. I want to get it and read it again. And by the way, my husband's response to "what can I do" was of course, more sex. That's a man for ya. So hang in there. Communication is good. Hopefully he will be receptive to what you need! Good luck!

This sounds a lot like my 10+year marriage. My husband and I officially separated about 5 days ago. Divorce will probably follow soon. It is not only that a marriage requires work (what doesn't?), it is simply hard to STAY IN LOVE with the same person year after year after year. Working, kids, church, activities, etc. define part of us. We can love our husbands, and still not be in love with them. My suggestion would be to try to take a trip, just an overnighter if possible, even to the local motel if you can't afford out of town, and see if you can re-kindle any sparks. If not, then you have some serious decisions to make. Are you willing to live like this for the rest of you life, knowing it won't get better, but will get worse? You did not mention his feelings on this, or even if you have discussed (or able to discuss it) with him. My advice is NOT go to the Bishop or his Counselors with this problem. First of all, they are male and going to take the male perspective (you are a possession, not a desired treasure, no matter what they teach). I know from experience, as I am LDS also. I have learned not to tell anyone my deepest problems because it will get back to my husband, and a committee will be formed to try to fix us, rather than letting us find ways to fix ourselves.
Maybe what you need is to visit a family counselor. I don't know what area you live in, however, there should be some reliable ones around.
Good luck. Wish I could really help you. Romance is important. Ours died. Plain and simple. Blessings. D.

Looks like you have a pretty young child yet. Personally, i think God made it so we don't really want sex until we are ready to have another kid (if any more are desired). I also think society puts a lot of pressure making us think all these people are running around being intimate three to five times a week. I can relate as my husband goes to bed with the kids at 7:30 and is "tired". I am wide awake then and stay up working until mid-might. He is then wide awake at 4 am and I am like...just got into REM thanks so much. Anyway, talk. Talk. And Talk. tell him how you feel. tell him how you want to be intimate but it will take sometime (for me, no interest until about 2.5 years after my last kid.) Tell him to take the pressure off and you will find your way. Being intimate doesn't make sense if both aren't into it. So tell him you will tryto find sometimes or a quicky here and there to 'get him by' if he works on the non-sex intimacy part..like helping with the dishes and kids so you can go on up and take a shower...then maybe you will have more overlap time. My friend took a weekend long class in Boulder called Amogo (or something like that). Se really liked it as it goes into past issues to explain why you two react the way you do.

M., you have received a lot of great advice from a lot of people. I thought I would also answer your request. I am not LDS, I am a Christian woman and I belong to the local Episcopal Church where I live. I agree with something that everybody says, except Dale, I don't think your marriage is doomed. When you make a committment before God to be married to a man, you are more likely to stick it out and work on it. I think the date night is a very important, essential part of marriage. You will be tired and not want to go, crawling into bed or reading a book alone will sound so much better at first! But stick with it and once you get to the restaurant, movie or even the motel room you will be glad that you did go. Buy some massage oils and a massage book! Once you are relaxed and feel each others loving hands on your body you will become more willing to have sex with your husband. My mom told me (yes! my mom!) that it only takes a few minutes to satisfy a man's needs, what is a few minutes out of your day? Of course, once you get back into the swing of things you will be passionate together for much more than a few minutes.

Also, passion doesn't just have to be sexual all the time. Hug each other while making dinner, cuddle while watching a movie in bed, touch each other's faces, arms, hands, etc. As we learn at church, sometimes when you are feeling lost and out of tune with God you just have to be willing to get your spiritual relationship with God back and it happens. So, just be willing to get your passionate relationship back with your husband and you will be able to do the work needed to make your marriage better.

Good luck to you!
I will be praying for you!

Lots of good advice here... i will put my two cents in. Sometimes people are just not in the mood and thats okay. Even if you are not it is very important to have sex in a relationship. It is the ONE thing that only you and your husband share so even if it feels like a chore or you are not in the mood physically connecting still creates an intimacy and bond. I think many people underestimate that. i don't care who you are but when you have sex with your husband it is something that is just between you and him which is pretty special even if it doesn't always feel that way. It is a spiritual thing, i believe.

The VERY best LDS book I have read on this is And They Were Not Ashamed by Laura M. Brotherson. Another good one is Purity and Passion by Wendy Watson. Someone else mentioned Between Husband and Wife-worth reading, but to me it wasn't nearly as good as the first I mentioned.

I absolutely agree with everyone else who has said to take time to just BE with your husband! Date nights make a world of difference! It doesn't need to be anything too exciting; many of the "date nights" that my husband and I have consist of putting the kids to bed a little bit earlier and renting a movie, or making dinner together for just us, or just sitting around talking. But to know that we have that time just for ourselves every week is always such a treat! And like everyone else mentioned, you always end up going through a bit of a transition when you add a child. Sometimes it makes a big difference, sometimes life just clicks back to normal very quickly. Our #7 is due in days and we've certainly had moments where we've had to sit down and reevaluate each others needs and wants, I know that the ability and willingness to communicate these things with each other has saved us tremendous amounts of stress! There are tons of books and guides and advice out there, to me 90% of them were just extra filler, just rambling on basics of communication and trust and getting along. Too much distraction when just concentrating on each other will make a world of difference!

I recommend Purity and Passion. It is a very good book. My second recommendation is to pray about this. The Lord understands our feelings and what we are going through. Be patient and hang in there.

it sounds like you might not be spending enough time together. What helps our marriage is family scripture study, family prayer, fhe, weekly dates, temple trips, family outings (even if it's just spending time playing a game or going to a park), and communication. Tell your husband how you feel. don't attack, which is something i have to constantly tell me. ;) you might want to pray for help before you approach him. always make sure your heart is humble, and revelation will come.

Hey M.
I am also an LDS wife I know exactly how you feel. I have been married for almost 8 years not all have been easy, and I know that a lot of marriages go through rutts. My husband and I are also very diffrent and at times I feel resentful because I do work hard and go go go and he seems to watch t.v all the time. But are sex life most of the time is quite good. We have made it a point to take time out and spend 1 on 1 time. that helps. Also it may sound lame but take some time for yourself so you feel sexy. I will take an afternoon get my nails done have a massage and go to bed in alittle nighty even when you have no sex drive you have to put the effort into it, or the flame will die. mix up the sex, try parking, there are also a lot of lubricants, anything to make it more exciting trust me the way your husband reacts will help you with your sex drive.
I hope all works out. I almost got divorced, and I know that it would have been the biggest mistake of life. work through this you will be happy in the end.
S.

I would check out "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. It's only like $____@____.com's not very long and beneficial even if only you read it. It talks about the love language that everyone "speaks" and how if we know our partners language, we'll speak it to them and have our partner learn our language. Hope this helps!

I. L

I read once that your emotions are like a bank account and everybody does things that makes deposits or withdrawals from your account. When people are nice to you, they have a positive balance. The nicer they are the higher it gets, and there are levels like friendship and romantic feelings, etc. It's possible, he needs to make some deposits. Figure out what makes you the happiest, encourage him to do that for you while you also try to do things to make him happy (I don't mean sex, I mean like helping around the house or bringing you fresh flowers, etc.) Hopefully both of your accounts will rise back to the level it was when you were first romantically interested in each other.

We all go through cycles like this (me included). Focus on the goal.

Hi M.. Please do not just disregard what I am about to suggest. My sister in law does Slumber Parties. If you have not heard of this company, it really does help a relationship. They sell fun, romantic games to help reunite your relationship with your spouse. Their are also lotions and creams and such to help you get a little bit more in the mood. I know of women that were on the verge of divorce that have purchased products and their relationship is now thriving. If you are interested you can contact her: Kim ###-###-####. I wish you luck!

Mandy

Hi M.. I would just suggest to stop beating yourself up about this. You work full time after taking care of your children at night and you're only 4 months postpartum, so your sex drive is still pretty low because of what your body has been through. There is always an adjustment period that you go through after bringing in a new little life into this world. Have you and your husband been out on a date since you had the baby? I would definately make that a priority and let your husband know that your marriage is your priority. Without him, you wouldn't have those lovely children. Counseling might also be a good idea. Good luck!
P.S. I would like to point out that other religions/lifestyles hold family and marriage as a priority; not just LDS families.

Dear M.,
No matter what religion you are, one thing every marriage today lacks, is time for each other.
You have to make time for you and your husband.
Perhaps you need to slow down some and make that time, he needs to speed up some to make that time.
Five years is a very short time to be wondering how to keep your marriage alive.
And if you are active LDS then you should have access to the LDS book store.
Your sex life should not be on a "To Do" list or fulfilling a quota, it should be private time for just you and your husband.
Good luck dear and relax for one thing.

I just read the advice given by Dale below, and I totally disagree. My husband and I have been married for 12 years, together off and on for 17. We are alot like you, different in almost every way possible. I am very outgoing and want to go go go and he is such an introvert and homebody. We got to a point around our eight year anniversary where we basically couldn't stand each other. He actually moved out and we had to come down to deciding whether it was worth trying to salvage. We did go to our bishop, TOGETHER, and he was anything but biased. He just helped us to find the things that drew us together in the first place. We made sure that we had a weekly date night and we made a goal to make it to the temple to be sealed. We then went to the temple at least twice a month. That in itself made a huge difference. As far as our sex life goes, it was in shambles. When we committed to staying together and making things work, we learned to communicate about what we like and don't like. We started sharing ideas and just trying new things... like getting oils and a massage book... just open your minds to new things. And remember to be comfortable in your own body!!! Don't give up on trying to work things out. It is not always easy, and sometimes we have to stop, take a look at what we're doing, and get back on track, but it is definitely worth it. Pray a lot... together. You CAN work it out.

Wow, lots of advice here. I read through most and I think I have a few tips that have not been mentioned yet. Your diet can have a big impact on your sex drive. Basically follow the word of wisdom, lower cholesterol can help, also visit your local herb shop. Dr. Christopher's Libido formula could be just the thing. This needs to be taken regularly, it is not like Viagra. Get lots of veggies and skimp on dessert. Cayenne is a big help too, or anything spicy. When you go on a date, order chicken wings or anything with a kick. Have them on hand in the freezer too. You should also know that antidepressants can lower your sex drive. Check your meds.

Also take time to relax and get in the mood. A bath, a massage, anything that helps you focus on your body is good. Also keep in shape. Getting lots of exercise can only help.

Uh, can I say good luck without sounding... well, probably not. :D

Read the Twilight series!! It will make you feel like a teenager again!!

Well, in reading your request, the first thing I noticed was that you said you work at night and he works during the day. My husband and I did that schedule the other way around for over 9 months. Our sex life was very low on the list of things to do because of our schedules and it was always driving one of us crazy. Ever since my husband stopped working at night, our intimate relationship has just soared. It's probably hard for your husband and you to have the desire for sex if your not on the same sleeping schedule or even in bed together at night. If you're having sex at least once a week, you are doing better than we did for a while. If you're not able to switch around your schedules in order to be in bed together regularly, then you would need to schedule in regular date nights - and they have to be consistant not sparatic. Good luck.