Was I Wrong? - Mount Pleasant,PA

Guilt makes some people look for a scapegoat to take the heat off of them.
Tempest in a teapot. Don't take her up on her offer to make you the bad guy.

Sounds like she was placing attention on the cake thing to deflect from the foolishness of her behavior. Just smile and move on. Don't engage w crazy or let her make this a big deal

You were right. She forgot to shop for her own children's gifts, and she spent the afternoon yakking with you. There's no discussion. She was frustrated with herself (or her husband -how come he has no responsibility for gifts?) and she took it out on everyone else. This is what happens when people are still partying at 11 PM. Sorry you went through this!

Who disappears for 4 hours on theirs kids birthday? That is crazy.

My question, where the heck was she? And why didn't she ask for help earlier to get the presents?

You were right to limit the sweets, but seriously, someone needs to talk to your sil. As the kids get older, they will notice more of what is happening and get that there is no respect for them!

She's wrong. If I were you, I'd ignore this. If you start groveling to her (like the woman whose friend was upset about the dress), then you are just giving credence to her inappropriate behavior.

She waited til the evening of the birthday, took 4 hours until late at night to do what she should have done in advance, and then punished YOU for it. She's being a real shrew.

I really mean it when I say not to apologize. If she calls you, tell her that this is the way you parent and it's her decision if she parents differently. Then change the subject and talk her ear off about something boring and non-emotional until she says she has to get off the phone.

If you don't do this, you're going to have have more of this ridiculous drama from your SIL.

I have a little trouble with the fact that she didn't even buy their presents or cake until 6:00 on the night of their birthday. Where was she for four hours? Who does that?

No, to answer your question, in my opinion you weren't wrong. But something sounds a little off here - no one I know would rationally get mad about that request, so I have the feeling you said it in a snarky way or at first refused and then made it obvious you were judging her decisions by relenting. I don't think you were as neutral as you'd like to project here. I doubt she got mad just that you wanted the kids to have small pieces but rather that you were implicitly judging her for being a bad mom (as I just did, too. Who the hell does that?? Honestly, if she was late on it, why sit by the river? Why not do it then? When I read that, I thought it sounded like an excuse to go do something else.)

I am still fixated on it was her daughter's birthdays and she didn't have a gift for them. No one else thinks that is odd?

So far as the cake goes who serves birthday cake to children at 11 at night? So no, not wrong.

Ahh good, reading the other answers I wasn't the only one who thought that was odd. Four hours?

sounds like she was doing something secretive (gone for 4 hours????) and feeling guilty about it, and it just got twisted around on you.
don't let it turn into a big thing in your head, or keep double-checking yourself with the family members. they don't need to be put in the middle.
you did fine, she's being a bit odd.
no need for it to turn into a family drama.
khairete
S.

Your SIL is crazy. On so many levels. You are not.

Your SIL left a birthday celebration for 4 hours to buy a cake and presents while leaving you to babysit!?!? I think you have a good reason to be mad. She must be a real piece of work. Wow!!!

She disappeared for 4 hours, didn't plan ahead to have presents/cake ahead of time.
Maybe she freaked cause she felt she'd made it under the wire and then had a request to slice small pieces.
She put herself under a lot of pressure and she blew her top but it was self inflicted.
I think she was wrong - you don't owe her any apologies.
Forget it and let it go and if she wants to hold a grudge that's her problem.

No! You were not wrong! Why do you think you might be? If it's because your irritation at her thoughtlessness might have shown when you took her aside know that you had every right to be angry. Perhaps trying hard to be nice backfired. I suggest being assertive instead. Be upfront with your feelings using I statements.

This is what that would look like." I don't want my children to have sweets this late. Disappointmenting, I know. Please do not serve the cake." Yes, she probably would still be upset but the feelings and actions would be upfront. No talking behind your back. The incident would be clean and emotions visible. Incident would be over. Let her leave in a huff knowing you, as the mother and inside your home, have the right to set the limits. Everyone knows where everyone stands which allows for the situation to be over and sets the stage for reconciliation.

Your SIL was way out of line. Her response was no doubt colored by her guilt feelings. Some people are unable to admit when they're wrong and they make the other person wrong.

When feelings are not in the open they fester. Perhaps learning more about assertiveness would help you feel more confident.

She sounds like a weirdo. Who waits til 6 pm the day of the celebration to go buy their kids' bday presents and cake? Then spends 4 hours doing it while the rest of the fam is spending quality time? And expects people to be primed for present opening and cake at 10pm after a long day? I mean seriously, what IS her deal?

The only scenario in which this makes sense is if the age of the kids is somewhere between 15-20... but then you wouldn't need to "watch" her kids, they wouldn't be "playing" together, and you wouldn't be dictating how much cake they were served.

This is what "I" would have done, okay? Just what "I" would have done.

Leave the river and ordered pizzas. Good continuance of the day.

Sister going shopping on the DAY of her kids birthday party? Good GRIEF! Didn't she know their birthday was coming up? Isn't she like all of us? We'd have had at least 1 or 2 presents each weeks before the day. Plus she took way too long, SHE ruined this day.

When she wasn't back by 8:30 I would have called her to find out how much longer she planned because my kids go to bed at 9....it's summer and it's still daylight so they do get to stay up later but everyone knows my kids go to bed at 9 so she would have believed me. If she had said she was going to be at least another hour I'd have asked her if it was okay for her kids to borrow some jammies from the kids and go to bed. Period. I'd have told her my kids were going to bed and it was way too late to have a birthday party. Why not let the kids spend the night and have the party tomorrow after lunch.

If she had said not to put her kids to bed then I'd have said who do you want to take them because we go to bed at 9. It wouldn't have gone as far as you let it.

BUT I do realize other people are more open to being up this late normally, especially during summer.

I do feel bad for you guys. It's hard to get past hurt feelings.

Every person needs to stand up for you so she can get it drilled into her that having birthday cake at nearly midnight is too much.

Like I said, my kids would have been in bed so having a piece of cake would not have been an issue. None of my family would have had any, the lights would have been out except for the living room or family room so when she came in it would have been quiet and obvious everyone was in bed.

I guess it would depend on how you worded the request. If you just said "Make it a small slice please." then she was out of line. If you said "I'm not fond of my kids having cake at 11 o'clock at night, so make it a small piece." then you sound pretty judgey and she is reacting to that.

ETA: We don't know SIL's side of the story either. Maybe her kids that afternoon said that they hoped to get ____ for their birthdays, and the mom decided to try and make their wish come true. Maybe she went to ten different stores to find this item. The children's father was there, so it's not like she was having you babysit. I don't normally give my kids cake at 11pm, but I am pretty flexible. Once in a while isn't going to hurt. When we watch the fireworks tomorrow night they will probably be having some junk food, but it is a special occasion.

You were right to limit your kids' late-night sweets, though I do wonder: She might have overreacted to your request because she already felt very guilty over not getting her kids' presents in advance, and very foolish over needing four hours to do it. I would bet that she dashed out thinking it would be easy to pick something up and found it wasn't easy at all, so it took her far longer than she had expected and she returned already sure that everyone was mad, or wondering where she was, or the kids were upset with her....Even if no one was mad, wondering, or upset, she likely walked in at 10 feeling very defensive and mad at herself. And often when people know THEY look foolish, and their anger is really with themselves, they take it out on other people around them and try to shift the anger onto someone else. That may be what she did with you.

If I were you, I'd try to let this one go. I'd stop asking the relatives "Was I right?" since you now know they agree, and carry on with her as if this didn't happen. SIL did not freak out on you directly, and I'm not sure what MIL achieved by telling you about it if you did not witness it yourself -- Did MIL think she was somehow facilitating better communication by telling you about this, when she could have just told SIL, "Sorry, but you turned up too late and Fivesmom was right, so let this go"? MIL wasn't helping by telling you, frankly, and would do well not to repeat things one sister in law says about the other.

Try to dig up a little compassion for SIL and just say, "She was embarrassed that she blew it on the gifts and compensated with the cake, and saw my request for smaller pieces as criticism of her attempt to compensate. And I won't let a piece of cake be the hill that our entire relationship dies on here."

I would also keep an eye on MIL. If she makes a habit of "passing along" what family members say to her, even if her motives seem good --- Well, I'd take care never to vent to her about anyone else, and if she comes to you bearing someone else's vent, I'd say nicely, "Hey, I'd rather not hear that from you. I'm sure if X wants to tell me something directly, she will." Then change the topic.

Sorry if MIL was trying to help, but she didn't. Good intentions don't make up for the fact that she passed along SIL's vent to you, which wasn't needed.

I have a feeling she was at a bar somewhere having a few drinks during that four hours (?!) she was gone buying presents and cake. That would explain her long absence and cranky attitude.
Were you wrong to say something about not wanting your kids to have cake so late? Meh, I don't know, I would have been more unhappy about a child's birthday party not ending until 11 pm (!!!) than I would be about my kids having some sugar at night, but that's me.
If she wasn't out drinking then I don't know what she was doing but it can't have been anything good. That's just strange and inappropriate behavior.

You were right. She was wrong. She was clearly not shopping for 4 hours and wanted to take the focus off of that, or derail the question of why she was gone so long. The easy fix in her mind: make the drama that night about the cake. Even if it's still her fault, in her mind she's thinking that at least it's not a question of "where was she"... it's a question of "why was she so upset about the cake"? Just a thought. Don't sweat it - it's her drama, not yours.

I agree that it's pretty crazy to do cake at 11:00 at night, but I also think a piece of cake at 11:00 pm one time is no big deal. If I had been your SIL, I probably would have done what you asked but rolled my eyes when I did it. Then again, I would have purchased the presents and cake before hand and had them at 6:00.

Do you think she could have been stressed about something else and blew the whole cake thing out of proportion?

The whole thing seems pretty silly. It sounds like you both had a very long day. Best to just let it go.

I can't believe you even feel the need to ask that question! If I were you, I would have been on the cell phone by 8:00 p.m. saying, "Where in the H-E double hockey sticks are you, because this party is ending for my family in one hour. You can either get your tushy back here where it should have been all along, or tell me where the heck you are, so I can drop your girls off on my way home." Rude not to let your kids eat a bigger piece of cake? You were a Saint!

I might have worded things a bit kinder, but I would have felt like saying it that way! And I would have said the same message.

No. This wasn't your circus, even though it was at your house. You did the best you could.

I think it depends on the age of the children. If they are wee ones, then I can see why you wouldn't want them to have cake at that time of night. If they are a bit older, I think you could have just let them eat the cake since you were already having a late night. I also think that your SIL shouldn't have left in a huff over this.

I think she made a big deal out of nothing.

you're never wrong to want something for positive for your kids... esp when it comes to their nutrition.. I might also add that being gone from 6-10 is very odd..I think SHE should be the one apologizing for taking advantage of your time... Please let this be HER problem and not yours.. if you make it yours, then you might be enabling her behavior and clearly that is the last thing you want to do... 4 hours away.. she did more than shop... did she throw in a pedicure or something... I smell a rat of sorts..
you sound like a great mom.. but try and not let yourself being pushed around or taken advantage of by others.. sounds like SIL will do so when allowed..

Out of curiosity, why did it take her 4 hours to buy a child's gift? What was she doing all that time? Do you think maybe she was drinking or doing drugs or something? That just seems very strange to me. Being inebriated might explain her odd behavior.

At the end of the day, you did nothing wrong. I wouldn't want my kids eating cake at 11pm either. And asking for them only to have small pieces is sure nothing for your SIL to freak out about!

You were not wrong. You allowed her to cut the cake at 11 p.m. and were still willing to let your kids participate in the festivities, just not to go crazy with huge pieces of cake.

It was very presumptuous of your SIL to think that she could go to the store for FOUR hours and then have the party after that. She also could have planned ahead a little more and gotten her daughters their gifts.

Anyway, you were a gracious host to allow the party to go so late and not to complain about it. For her to leave the way she did was rude. I am glad your in-laws agreed with you.

I don't think it's worth bringing up again with her though. Just move forward so you don't create a rift in the family.

Your SIL is one big drama queen that I would want to have nothing to do with!!! Eating cake at 11:00 (no matter what age - age 3 or age 80) is ridiculous!!! Who want to go to bed (again, no matter what age) with a sugar rush? It is very unhealthy to eat a lot of sugar and let it sit in your stomach right before bed. That is really gross! I absolutely would NOT have allowed my kids to eat any cake so very late at night.

I cannot believe it took your SIL 4 HOURS to buy gifts and cake! She most definitely went shoe shopping for herself or something. No way did it take that long! She went shopping for herself while you watched her kids - rude! She is a nut job, for sure!

Best advice - do NOT have a close personal friendship/relationship with her! ONLY be her SIL, and NOTHING more. Don't talk to her that much whenever you see her. Be nice and civil, and that is it. She's nuts!

Wait...b/c of your SIL's piss poor time management/planning, she freaked when your kids couldn't have a huge piece of cake at 11pm?!?!?! Sure, you're the crazy one...

It sounds as if your sister-in-law didn't plan her own childrens' birthday "party" very well. Had she planned things out better, everyone might have had pizza and cake much earlier in the day.

Very odd, her behavior. Obviously you were right. I think she flipped out because she was embarrassed. She was a rude hostess. She felt you called her out, even though you were actually quite polite about it and made it a parenting issue rather than a hostess issue.

No, you were not wrong. That's way to late for any kids to eat cake.

Had it been me, I would have told her when she wanted to go shopping to forget it. These are her kids,she knows when their birthdays are, she should have planned ahead and had everything ready before hand. I don't even want to hear she didn't have time. She needed to make time. Their birthdays only come once a year!

Yes, of course you were in the right. They are your kids and if you are uncomfortable with the kids having sugary treats that late in the evening then you are in your right to say so. You handled the situation tactfully as well by pulling your SIL to the side instead of in front of everyone. It is unfortunate that your SIL reacted in that fashion, especially that late in the evening. She is just going to have to get over this on her own. You are in the right, protecting your kids from a possible high sugar night and then upset tummies later on.

You are not wrong. I don't let my son have sweets after 6, but he's two. You know your kids and you were just doing what you thought was best. She had taken advantage of your watching them by taking 4 hours to get gifts. She had no reason to flip out over cake.

your sil is a "mother" not a mom, and as a "mother" she probably thinks like one..oh, give every kid a big chunk of cake and give them all a big sugar buzz..no big deal to her, she wouldnt the one getting no sleep because the kids are all on a sugar buzz..she would and did leave You to handle things, you did the right thing,next time your sil tells you she "will be right back" , dont plan her coming back anytime soon, instead..do the activities with your kids ( and nieces and nephews) that you already planned to do( that way you arent standing around with a bunch of hungry kids and a sil who left you holding the bag)then when you are ready to leave..LEAVE..whether your sil is there or not, just make certain her kids are with your mil before you leave.that way, you wont feel like your sil is taking advantage of you..which she was when she left her kids with you for 4 hours with no warning! K. h.

How old are your kids? I would have been pissed off because my kid is 7 and goes to bed way before 10 unless it's the fourth of July. There's no way I'd be giving her cake at 11 pm. It's not your fault your sister in law has terrible planning.

No, you were not wrong.

Updated

No, you were not wrong.