I Hate Birthday Party Drama Questions...

I wouldn't impede on another's day that way. That teaches your daughter that yes, other people can celebrate their birthdays on her birthday and that is okay. They do not always need a combination celebration. Why teach your daughter that because it is her literal birthday that the party also needs to be about her when it is in fact your niece's birthday party? I find it bothersome that you would lie to your child about something quite insignificant in the bigger picture.

You state you don't like birthday party drama but here you are suggesting you possibly bring it on yourself. If you are dead set on the girls sharing a party talk to your SIL about it. If she says no then so be it. Have your own party for your daughter. If needed schedule it for either before or after the one for your niece. Better yet have your daughter's party on a different day. It is not imperative she is taught that her literal birthday always equals what has happened in the past. You state she can roll with changes allow her the chance to do so. Keep the peace.

Honestly, I think you are assuming way too much and seem to be very much wanting to avoid the obvious.

Your 'reasonable' (your words) SIL has a busy schedule and has decided that the 16th works for her.

She made it PERFECTLY CLEAR there would be a family party at the end of the month. This sounds like a 'come if you want' sort of thing, not a 'let's really make sure your daughter is included' effort. You live an hour apart and are supposed to travel one hour each way on a weeknight for a kid's birthday party. To me, it would sound as though we were asked so as not to be excluded, but the focus is really on Niece and that you should not expect your Kiddo to be included.

Let me spin it just a hair and present it to you in a different way:
*You* are the one who is saying 'if you have any party on the 16th, my daughter has to be a part of it.'

You are saying that it's *so important* that the cousins are together on your daughter's birthday that your daughter can be a footnote to your niece's birthday.

I think you need to stop assuming that this is something that needs to be tinkered with or that there is any insult intended by their scheduling something on the 16th. Period.

"Thanks for the invite.. as it is our daughter's birth date as well, we do plan on celebrating at home with friends and we'll meet up with you at the family party." Easy.

To me, what you are suggesting doing (bringing a second cake, lying to your kid about the intention of the birthday party, etc.) is precisely what we'd consider to be 'creating drama'. The fact that you want to bring a second cake and *then* ask for permission to fete your girl tells me that maybe boundaries are a fuzzy thing for you. Your SIL was clear about her intentions. Respect that. This isn't a big deal in the big picture, Jane. My son and his cousin's birthdays are two days apart and we do whatever works for each year... get together for a shared birthday or do two separate things.

Lastly, I can't honestly see expecting a six year old to celebrate someone else's birthday on their OWN birthday and not feel badly about it. I would agree with having your daughter's party on the 16th at home and meet up for the family party later. I think it is a lot to expect a six year old to 'give up' her birthday day.

Sounds to me like she doesn't want the girls sharing a party, so i wouldn't ask if you can bring another cake along. in fact, I would schedule your daughter's friends party on the date and make yourselves unavailable.

ETAD: Jane, you have a baby at home, right? I really think your hormones are making you over sensitive. I also think people are dumping a bit on you. We all forget what it's like to have a baby at home, but it is taxing on the system, and on the brain. It seems to me like your SIL might be making you feel excluded? I don't know how else to read this.

Wow, the two of you both need work. She already let you know this is her daughter's party and you are blatantly looking for a way to get around it. She already told you, "No".

If you tell your six year old this is her party too, don't you think the two young girls will talk about this and let the cat out of the bag? Personally, I think you are asking for big trouble.

If you don't like the idea of her daughter's party on your daughter's birthday, don't go. She already gave you the pass to do so. I am certain everyone knows it is your daughter's birthday and will acknowledge that without your strong arm, if you go.

My daughter's best friend's sister's birthday is on the same day as my daughter. The two girls are good friends too, but the BFF is between my daughter and the younger sister. Last year they went out of town for her birthday. This year I had not heard anything, so I told them my daughter's party would be on the day of and she would love for them to be there. In a few days, they announced her party was the next day. I took it this year and if they are just as close next year, I will give them the opportunity for first pick.

You have to work it out.

EDIT--momwithacamera did you even read my post? [yes] No she didn't give me an out [It wasn't a very nice out, but she tells you here: if you can't make it, it's okay, "i understand if you want to do your own thing and you can't make it. "] and she didn't say "no" to anything [She made it perfectly clear that we could do a family celebration at a later date. That means no, from my understanding] [No is mentioned again here: if you want to do your own]. And OMG, I'm going through a thought process, who the hell am I trying to strong arm here? [I'm also thinking of telling my daughter thats its her party too (even though its not)] I haven't done anything yet, I only found out about it a few hours ago and I'm trying to problem solve. I'm looking for help, not accusations.

My comments are not meant to insult or condemn you, but for what ever reason, you SIL has made some choices and made them quite clear. If you interfere, I think you are going to risk upsetting the closeness of the family. I'm not saying what she has done is right, but I can see how this whole thing could very easily go down. Maybe I am wrong, maybe she will change her mind and say bring your cake over and lets include her, but if that were the case, I think the two of you would have had a different conversation. Based on what you state, this wasn't an oversight.

Perhaps she chose that weekend because it is not as close to Christmas. I can't tell you why she is not willing to include your little one.

There are many of who are cheated out of their special day, due to the day we were born. I was born on Mother's Day. I robbed my mother many years of a Mother's Day and now it is my turn to pay it back. I shop, clean, and cook on Mother's Day...my birthday. Everyone else in the family gets a special birthday dinner but me. If I would like, I could plan my birthday to be celebrated on the next weekend or the weekend before.

I am trying to tell you not to get so worked up over a specific day. She is not leaving you much choice. Next year, [politely] plan your party and pass out your invitations. If you so choose, include her daughter.

I would simply be the bigger person and let your niece have her party and then have your child's party separately. You'd be teaching your child it isn't always about ourselves but it's about taking care of others. If you lie to her and tell her it's her party, too, won't she wonder why her cousin gets presents (or, okay, birthday wishes and books) and she doesn't? Why would you lie to your child to get your way? You underestimate the understanding of a six year old if you think you can slip it past her. And if you strong arm a cake into the party, that would be far more disrespectful than what your SIL is doing. If this is the only time your SIL's family can accommodate their schedules, then why do you care? You don't have to follow her instructions. You're allowed to schedule your party whenever you want. Just understand that will make life harder for extended family who would want to attend both. To me, this is a first world problem and in the grand scheme of things, not a hill to die on.

It sounds like this is the "non-family" party because you said that she is open to a "family celebration" at a later date. Is that's true, then don't plan on going to this party if you don't want to. Plan your daughter's party with her friends for whatever date suits you. If it's her actual birthday, great. If not, then you do whatever works for your schedule. Then celebrate with your family later.

If it turns out that your daughter's party for her friends is NOT on her actual birthday and you are free and want to go to your niece's party, then go, but as guests. DO NOT bring a cake and ask everyone to sing to your daughter. That would be rude, and kind of pathetic.

Two of my kids have birthdays that are on the exact same day (different years) as children of my close friends. We rarely end up having my kids' parties on their actual birthday due to scheduling issues so over the years my kids have been to other peoples' parties on their birthdays and we haven't said anything about my child's birthday at the other child's party. We have always made it a special day *at home* but another child's party is about that child, not mine.

And if you think that a 6 year old won't know the difference between a party where you are telling her she's a guest of honor and she really isn't and her actual birthday party, you are vastly underestimating your child. Do not put your child in the position of feeling and looking awkward and foolish.

"She made it perfectly clear that we could do a family celebration at a later date."

So, if you can go--go.
If you want to do a party on that date for your daughter--do it, knowing her cuz won't be able to make it.
If you're not going, I doubt she expects you to do nothing on your daughters birthday. That's odd.

My son has a birthday a week apart from his cousin. We run into this every year. If the dates don't conflict, they go to each other's "kid" party. If they do, we see everyone at the nearest family get together.

But, no, don't tell your daughter (if you go) that it's her party, too and don't bring a cake. Be aware that some family members might give her her gift or whatever there. But it's not her party too.

I would tell SIL that you are sorry but since the 16th is Suzy's actual brithda and it falls on the weekend this year, you have already planned to have her party that day. Especially since they are doing a family celebration at a later date. Have your daughter's party and enjoy.

I would just tell SIL that unfortunately this is my daughter's birthday and we will be celebrating it that day. Therefore, we will be unable to attend Kimmy's birthday party. What can we get little Kimmy?

No, at 6 she is very aware of what is going on don't kid yourself. This would not be your daughter's party too. Its her cousin's.

Frankly, I would just say that since it was your daughter's actual birthday, you have made other plans and simply won't be able to make this party. If she is as reasonable as you say, then it will be fine. If not, too bad for them. She is essentially telling you that she does not want to acknowledge your daughter in any way on her birthday. I would not be OK with that personally. SO, just skip the drama and make other plans.

You know, SIL scheduled her daughter's party that day knowing it was your daughter's b-day, and made no offers to combine celebrations, so in your shoes I would thank her for inviting you and explain that your family will be celebrating with your daughter that day, so you will not be attending. Then don't go. Do something lovely with your daughter instead. Send the cousin a nice gift and a homemade card from your daughter.

The end. This is not creating an issue. This is giving priority to your own child rather than to someone else's.

Any further drama your SIL attempts to create should be studiously ignored, or replied to with a simple, "But darlin', you knew it was our daughter's birthday."

I don't have a problem with her claiming the date, but I do have a problem with her dictating to YOU what YOU will or will not do on that date. That's a bit overbearing.

With my own children, we always do something special on their actual birthdays, even if their formal party is scheduled for another day. So I can understand your inclination to fold that into whatever your SIL is doing. That being said I would resist that urge. Either go, or don't go, to SIL's event, but don't make it about your daughter after she clearly staked off the day for her child. And BTW, them being physicians does not justify rude behavior imho. To me it's rude to dictate to others.

Since the girls are close (which is nice when cousins can be close) I'd try to be gracious and work with them. But I would still do something special for my own daughter whether they liked it or not. Perhaps she could miss school and go to lunch with you and her grandparents (I know I'm going to get flack for suggesting that one).

Again, I would just try to be gracious but not a door mat. It's worth it for your daughter's sake to make it work if you can. But I'd want her to feel special, too, on her birthday.

December 16 is a Monday. For me, that would automatically mean I would not be attending. We're not available on Mondays.

Your SIL made it clear that she is not combining parties with you this year. She also made it plans before you did. Let it go. You can not tell your child this is her party too. You need to plan your own thing on another day.

Don't get sucked into putting special importance on "real birthdays". On our kids actual birth dates we try to take them out for dinner if schedule allows, but unless it happens to fall on a weekend birthday parties are always done on a different day.

My my child's birth date was on Monday, Dec 16, I'd have their party on the weekend of 14-15 as a first choice, with the weekend of 7-8 as second choice.

This is someone else's birthday party, she's made it clear she wants to break away from the tradition of combining their birthday's. So you have to either honor this growth or try to make it about your daughter.

Yes, we did read your post. Perhaps you didn't. I do understand that your daughter is used to the party's being together. I get that. I also believe you can simply tell her that you already have plans for that day since it's your daughter's birthday if you don't want to go to her daughter's birthday party on your daughter's birthday. I would not want to go.

"However she is making it clear that this is her daughters birthday party"

"bring a second cake and ask if we can also sing happy birthday to my daughter"

"I'm also thinking of telling my daughter that it's her party too (even though its not)"

What "I" don't get is what this party actually is. Not a family birthday party? Then who's invited? Her school friends? Neighbors? No family except your family? Why would she invite you guys to a friends style party and then again to the family party?

I'd tell her to have their party and you guys will come to the family one. It seems to me they want you and your family to know you're invited to her party. You can always let little one have her own friends party with her school buds on her day. Then have the family party thing with both girls then.

I would have the party for my daughter on the Saturday prior. Otherwise take her out to dinner on her birthday and not go to the cousin's party.

You don't have to be joined at the hip to celebrate birthdays. It is time to think about that now. As she and her cousin get older, they are going to change and have different agendas. So forget about the drama and do your own thing with the nucleus family or with the extended family and be happy.

the other S.

PS Life is too short to get all excided over a birthday party. There are more important things to consider later on.

Avoid drama and be "Lady Gracious" and schedule your daughters celebration for Dec 14th or 15th.. those are the Saturday and Sunday.. Not a big deal.

Let her have a party on Monday.. So not a big deal in my opinion, since you have 2 weekend dates free to have your daughters party..

Have your daughter's birthday party the week before and go to this one and celebrate your niece's birthday. Your SIL is saying that she does not want a joint party this year and there is no need to try to force the situation, you will only create drama.

In my opinion, your plan will NOT solve the problem, it will only create more issues. You are "stealing the thunder" from her daughter if you try to make it a joint party. If you SIL wanted to share a party, she would have suggested that in the beginning. And if I were your SIL, I'd wonder if you were planning on splitting the cost of the party. And at 6, your daughter will notice, or someone will tell her. She is going to wonder why her cousin has friends there and she doesn't.

If it were me, I'd probably set up something just for my daughter. The 16th is a monday, it won't be hard to have a Sat or Sun celebration just for your daughter. It's unfortunate that your SIL isn't giving you a choice and is being presumptuous. Be the bigger person. Change your party date and let each girl have their day. Don't piggie back off your niece's party.

Your daughter is invited as a guest, not a birthday girl. Never in my life have I ever heard of a child being invited to a party bringing her own cake saying well you planned this on my birthday.

Stop trying to rationalize your ruining her party will not ruin her party. You are wrong to even consider making her party about your daughter. If you don't want to go so you can celebrate your daughter's birthday on her birthday then don't go. Don't ruin the day for both girls with your drama.

There is nothing more awkward than whipping out a cake at someone else's party and saying guess who else is a birthday girl!

What I hear when your SIL says
"i understand if you want to do your own thing and you can't make it."
is that she'd PREFER if you did your own thing and didn't make it.
Take the hint.
Plan your birthday party for your daughter and skip SIL's daughter's birthday this year - hand her a belated present the next time there is a family get together or mail it ahead of time so her Mom can give it to her at the party.
The kids are older - they are in school and have their own friends/classmates.
Not every party is going to be a family party.
Especially with friends birthday party schedules the available time fills up FAST.
When my son was that age sometimes it seemed like we had a birthday party every weekend for months - occasionally 2 in a single weekend.
One time we had a Sat morning party (10am-noon), a Sat late afternoon party (4pm-6pm) and then a Build-A-Bear party Sun afternoon (2pm-4pm).
That was a fun but exhausting weekend.
Bringing a 2nd cake to the other party and singing to your daughter would not be right even if your SIL is understanding.
Telling your daughter the other party is for her is just dishonest.

Additional:
Your SIL is going her own way.
You need to do the same.
Stop caring about what her reasons may be for choosing the date that she did.
It's irrelevant and she does NOT need to apologize.
Just get over that attitude right now.

This is s-i-m-p-l-e.
If you are not going to the party then wrap and mail a gift to knowledge the SIL's daughters birthday.
There!
It's acknowledged!
Now.
Throw YOUR daughter her own party where ever, how ever, when ever you want.
You can go to the other party if you want if you are not busy - but that party is not for your daughter.
She might acknowledge your daughter's birthday or she might not but she WON'T be doing it at HER daughter's party.

Likewise when you DO throw the party for your daughter the cousin can come to that party if she's not busy - but that party IS for your daughter and not about the cousin.
I'm beginning to understand why SIL wants to do things differently.

While I do agree it was tacky of your SIL to pick that date, it is not okay for you to hijack the party either. It was great that you guys used to do a joint thing, but at some point some kids decide they do not want to have to share their day and that is okay. Since Dec. 16 appears to be a Monday why not just plan a party just for your daughter on the 14th, that Saturday?

Added after your "so what happened": I think you have it backwards, I think that trying to move attention away from the party girl to your daughter is going to cause things to be awkward and cause drama.

As the cousins get older they are going to want their own separate parties and will increasingly have their own friends they wan to invite, different activities they want to do etc. Though your SIL seems have gone about this
high-handedly (I would have talked to you long ago just to say, OK, daughter wants to do her own thing/I want a separate party...let's talk dates), it is not now OK to ask to bring another cake or, especially, to let your own child think it's her party too. Imagine the scene when your daughter says something about "our" party or wants to know why her own friends arent' there etc. and her cousin turns around and says, "But it isn't our party, it's my party." Don't deceive your daughter that way; it sets the example that it's OK to lie to her to make her feel good and that's just not where you want to go. Just tell her Cousin is having her own party and ask if she wants to go as a guest. In fact I would encourage her to go and be a good guest and accept that it's Cousin's special time, for those few hours, and not hers. Then have a great family meal out, later on her birthday, and arrange her own party for a different day and time. And do be sure to invite the cousin to any party your child has - your niece did not upset you, her mom did.

Please try to chill a bit because while kids are all wound up about having a party ON their birthdays at young ages, they quickly get over that and would rather have a good party (or other celebration--movie outing, laser tag, dinner with friends as they get older) than have a so-so party on the exact day. Truly, let this one blow over and from now on don't assume that the cousins will do any more joint parties.

Don't NOT go to the party because of your SIL's actions. There is no reason to refuse to go if the reason is "You hijacked the day." She didn't. It's not ideal and not hugely thoughtful of her but if your child goes to the party, it teaches your child to be a gracious guest. You should be able to deal with her disappointment and help her through it.

While as you describe it, your SIL kind of dictated terms here, you are overthinking it and letting it get to you far too much. Your child's birthday is wonderful but not a sacred date for anyone, and you say you do "get" the scheduling issues. Whatever you do -- no second cake and no lie to your child about whose party it is. Then you become the hijacker, frankly.

It sounds like this is a 'friends' party and since you guys live an hour apart, I assume the kids have completely different school friends. Assuming that is the case, consider what date you would have had the party if this situation had not arisen. If you would have done it on the 16th, I would just have the party on the 16th. Have a 'family' party later in the month as SIL suggested. If you would have had it on the weekend (way more convenient for most parents), then do what you would have done otherwise. You have ZERO obligation to not do something on your daughter's birthday. I can't see why in the world SIL would care whether your daughter had a party for her friends an hour away from her daughter's party for her friends.

I completely understand how you feel. My niece and youngest son were born one week apart. My sister planned my nieces party on my son's 1st birthday, which was a Saturday. I was very upset about it. In our family, birthdays are very special days. Thankfully for me, my sister changed the date when she learned of my feelings. I don't think it is strange or petty for you to feel as you do.

How will your daughter feel about going to the party? I think her feelings are what matter most. If she is okay with it, then I would go and plan something special for her at another time. If she is upset about celebrating someone else on her day, then you shouldn't go. Just be honest with everyone no matter what you choose. I don't think you should ask about a cake or singing. It sounds like your SIL made it clear that the party is for the other child only.

Is it a family party or will your niece's classmate/friends be invited? It seems odd to have a party on Monday, but maybe you guys get out of school earlier than our school.

I agree with another post. You should have your own party over the weekend. Could it be possible that you SIL wants to start having separate parties? If it will be all the same people (grandma and cousins) I see the reason to combine as a favor to the relatives. Some kids/families like the child to have a party and be the center of attention for one day and not share the day. You said you do not get her telling you not to schedule anything on this day. From reading your post I am guessing she does not want you to invite people who she plans to invite on the same day. This would cause the guest to feel like they have to choose and your SIL may not want to put the family in that position.

Sounds like your daughter is very adaptable. I am sure she would be fine going to someone's party on her birthday. Singing another 'happy birthday' to make your daughter feel special would be fine. It happens often when a parent has the b-day and the child has the party because the date works. I would ask that of the adult guests, but not tell your daughter it is her party too.

I would not pretend it is her party. She will get hurt by that. no matter how much you think she won't the other little girl will say something like this is my party not yours. kids say things. I would find out exactly what time frame she is looking at and then plan yours for either earlier or later. I would ask her point blank "you do realize that it is "x"'s birthday that day. And we are not going to skip her birthday. I would not plan your whole day around hers. thats just rude on her part.

I dunno.
But all I know is:
the SIL scheduled this date as HER kid's party.
It is not, a "combo" party.
Therefore, to me.... it would be bad manners to then, make the party a 'combo" party, when your SIL did not say, it could be.
At no time, did your SIL say... that this could be a "combo" party for both, girls.
However, the 14th is also, your daughter's real Birthday, date.
Did your SIL "forget" that or something????
Maybe gently "remind" her that the 14th is your daughter's Birthday, her real birthday date. So... "what should we do?"

And, at your SIL's kid's party.... it may very well be a party in which... other kids/friends are there too, and not only, family. Hence, it will be real awkward and uncomfortable for non-family guests, to then suddenly see that there is another girl celebrating her Birthday too... at your SIL's daughter's, party. Keep in mind, that you don't know, the guest list of your Niece's party.

I would not tell your daughter that it is "her" party too. Nor would I bring a cake there, for her too.
Unless, your SIL... has been briefed on it, and agrees.
First.

If you approach your SIL about it, just keep it mellow and friendly and say how its your daughter's actual birthday day, too... the SAME day as your niece's party. So, what should you/she do?
But don't make your own plans to bring to their party... unless, SIL says its okay.

I think your ideas sound a little too much like revenge.

You could go to the party, enjoy it, and have a party for your daughter (and her friends) just before or just after that date. Or you could decline the invitation and take your daughter and a friend out to supper and a movie/roller skating/whatever instead on her birth date.

Don't lie to your daughter (yikes!). Since she is so adaptable, you can be, too. Lots of people are born on each day of the year! There will be many times in the future that the birth date is just not a good party date (some of my grandchildren have birthday parties two weeks before or three weeks after the actual day!). Since you're talking about December birthdays, that's an even busier time. Stay cool. Don't make an explosion. You'll be thankful later.

P.S. Just read your "So What Happened?" note. I'm sorry if I read too much into it! The trouble with this kind of "semi-chat room" communication is that *all* the the readers have to go on are the words you choose. We don't hear them (or hear your vocal inflections, or see your face as you speak, etc.); we just see the words. So what you're getting is the reaction or response to the words. It's not the greatest kind of communication, to be sure, and a lot of mistakes are made because of it. I wish it could be improved, somehow, but I sure don't know how.

Hmmm…..how about if you and your immediate family have a cake a small celebration at home before you go to your niece's b-day party?

If you bring a separate cake and want to sing happy b-day to your daughter, your SIL might accuse you of hijacking her daughter's party. I know you said she is reasonable, but the fact that she is telling you not to schedule anything else for the day is….well, unreasonable. Maybe you can bring a super fancy cupcake for your daughter.

This really IS awkward. I'm sure all of the in-laws will want to acknowledge your daughter's b-day, right? They will probably bring gifts for her too? Are you having a party for her on a different date? Good luck with this one. I hope your SIL is accommodating to your daughter, the "real" birthday girl…..

Simple solution: Just plan your daughter's birthday for the Sunday afterward. It's often easier to get kids to attend Sunday afternoon parties anyway than busy Saturdays.

This would allow you to attend the other birthday and still give your daughter her own party the following day.

Problem solved.

If she is having friends and family at her daughter's party, then I don't think you should sing happy birthday to your own daughter at the party. But, I think you could bring a second cake and do a family only celebration after the other guests have left (again, with your SILs permission). Maybe everyone could stick around and go out for an early dinner in YOUR daughter's honor.

I think, since none of the other guests really know your daughter, they might feel weird singing to her too. It also might make the party feel less special for your niece. I get why you're annoyed and I would be too, but if you make the choice to go to the party, then you need to let those couple of hours be only to celebrate your niece. The rest of the day can be about your daughter and doing whatever she wants.

That is crappy of your SIL to plan her daughters party on your daughters birthday, and to not at least have a conversation with you about it first. Period. That is very, very crappy.

With that said, you have two option of how you can proceed. #1: You can simply work around this bump in the road and plan your daughters b-day for another day. And ANY day is fair game, including the 21st, if that happened to be the best day for you. #2: You can have a very *candid* conversation with the SIL, tell her how you are feeling, and that you are confused and want to see if she is interested in making this work for both girls.

Dont attempt to tell your daughter its her party too.... its not. She is 6 and I know my 5 year old would know the difference between his party and someone elses party! Dont force your way into a combo party. If its going to happen, it will happen via thoughful conversation between you and the SIL. If you dont think that can happen, go with option #1 above and plan your own party.

Sorry, but I think that if you take a cake and ask her if you can sing happy birthday to your daughter, she'll be a butt about it. You call her reasonable, but why you think it's reasonable to use YOUR daughter's birthday and for the first time, refuse to share a party is something I don't understand. That's NOT reasonable. IF what you have detailed is exact, you need to understand that this is the way it's going to be every December, Jane. She's tired of sharing birthdays between her daughter and yours and she will expect for you to be second to her and her daughter.

Talk to your family members and ask them if they can come to a party for your daughter the next day. You can't ask them to take "sides", but you CAN ask them to show your daughter the same love by coming to a separate party.

It sounds like this isn't a family only party that she has scheduled for her daughter. If that is the case then, no, you shouldn't ask if you can bring a cake for your daughter as well. If you want your daughter to have a party with guests other than family then you need to plan your own party for whatever date suits you. If the children share friends, then you should schedule the party for a date other than the 16th so the invitees do not have to choose which party to attend.

It sounds to me that maybe she wants to have this party for her daughters friends and then still do a double party for your girls with the family at a later date. I would just go ahead and plan for the later date with the family for the girls birthday. Maybe you should ask her if the party she planned for her daughter on the 16th is just for her friends, if it is, i would probably not go. Work it out, don't burn bridges..... some families don't have this luxury. We have nothing to do with any of my in-laws for the simple fact that i have a special needs child who they take no interest in getting to know better... so we have not spent a holiday or a birthday with them for almost three years now. The last time we were over there my FIL used the word "retard" around my SN child. After asking him to please refrain from using that word and him not listening... we just stopped going over there. When we used to take the family there and my child would meltdown because of the noise they would just stare. Not even ask one question on how they could make our stay more comfortable. not that our presence should mean them completely accommodating us but they didn't even show one ounce of interest..... keep the peace with your in laws! good luck!

My sister and I have daughters born exactly a week apart in June. My daughter turned 10 this year and hers turned 4. We normally check with each other before scheduling anything because that month is very busy anyways.

So if it were me, I'd talk to my kid and ask what they wanted to do. Maybe she would rather go to her cousins party and celebrate hers with a dinner that night and a party later. Or maybe she would rather skip the party and have her own party that day. Honestly, she is old enough for you to lay out the options and let her make the decision. Explain to her the pros and cons (to a degree) and let her figure this out.

I agree with you being annoyed, and wanting to combine the parties. Weird that your SIL is being stubborn on this! Good luck. I would just take your daughter out on a special day trip (museum or something) and boycott the whole thing. It's HER day too!

There's a chance that it didn't occur to her when she set the date. Have you already made plans? If so, I would say to go through with them, telling her that "I won't be able to save that date because I already have it saved to celebrate my daughter's birthday." How important is it that the whole extended family attend your daughter's celebration?

Depending on your daughter's personality, you might ask her preference--celebrating with you guys and friends (not the extended family) on her birthday or doing hers on a different day while spending her actual birthday at her cousin's party. I think that it's kinda mean to force her to put off her party in order to attend somebody else's party. That's terrible. At 6, she will learn a valuable lesson only if it's her choice. If you force it on her, then she possibly learns that she's not as important to you as cousin. You can explain that relatives aren't there because cousin snagged the date first, but you can't explain away why YOU would choose not to do a little something for her.

Is it possible that your SIL had been looking for a way to discontinue the practice of a joint party? Maybe scheduling it for your daughter's actual birthday and an hour away was her best way to ensure that you would not be available to attend, forcing you to do something separate for your daughter. She softened the blow by adding that you guys could do a family thing later, probably knowing full well that you would not be up for a second dedicated birthday celebration, especially around Christmas time. This question about joint birthday celebrations--to have or not to have; how to discontinue--comes up all the time here. Her solution is actually diabolically brilliant.

If this is her "friend" party and not a family party I would try to do my kid's party at a different time that day with her friends or celebrate how she wants to. Then attend the cousins party too. I would not do a cake for my kid at another child's party for her friends ONLY if it were a family party. If your sil is monopolizing the day where you couldn't do a party for your child too I would let your child decide what she wanted to do.

I think you'll find that the older your daughter gets, the harder it will be to have a true family party, especially with a December birthday. There will be more and more going on every year, so you might want to start rethinking things now.
When I had a birthday party for my kids, we would invite the cousins and grandma, but no one was expected to "save the date" so to speak. If they could make it, great, but if not we all understood.
I think it sucks that you have to schedule your daughter's birthday party around a day that works best for her cousin. I would just tell my SIL, hey, December's just too crazy to get everyone together for two separate children's birthday parties so I'm going to go ahead and bring a cake for Sally as well and let everyone know we'll be celebrating both girls' birthdays, okay? Hopefully she's reasonable enough to get it and not be a "birthday diva" about it.

Mom with a camera often goes off on mean tantrums. So take her with a grain of salt.

Have your daughter's party the weekend before not after. Older Folk will go to one party but be too tired to attend another so soon.

Is there any way you could do your daughter's party at a different time that day? Like if she has a noon party yours could be around 3 or 4 pm? It may party people out, but it's not fair that your daughter can't have her party on her birthday.

My husband's step sister did this to us one year, her dd's b-day is in December, ours is in the middle of Jan and she planned her party for our daughter's birthday. My MIL just dropped her husband off at his daughter's house and came to ours, then picked him up when we were done. Everyone thought it was pretty rude of her to wait almost a month and schedule on our daughter's birthday. Now she does her's before instead of waiting.