Was I in the Wrong?

If the question is "who was in the wrong?" prepare for indefinite family feuds and dragging in and punishing the whole family for the tension that you two generate. Yesterday on fathers day I watched yet another important day go by for my elderly neighbors who's children don't visit them on holidays, birthdays, or special occasions. Evidently the mother and daughter in law didn't get along over some issues and because nobody swallowed their pride, here they sit day after day in their house, no kids, no grand kids to brighten their lives. But I bet my neighbor was in the right so its all worth the loss of family.

As a parent with grown children, it would hurt me immensly if one child refused to come over on a day to honor ME because they were fighting with a sibling. For that matter, I would be upset if one of my children avoided me at all because of a sibling.

Honestly, I understand why you are upset with your brother, I'd be upset too. But your behavior is upsetting the ENTIRE FAMILY. I think you should attend all family functions and hold your head high. You are not the one that should be avoiding being there, he is. So you go, and just pointedly don't speak to him.

Another way to look at it - what if your Father dies in an accident or with a sudden heart attack? You can never take back not being there for a family event. NEVER. I would give ANYTHING to be with my Dad again. One day, you'll feel that too.

Life's too short for the both of you to be acting like middle schoolers.

Attempt to bury the hatchet one last time and if he's not down with that then continue to do things with your family and ignore him the best that you can when he's there. Why do you and the rest of your family have to suffer because the two of you can't get along? Go to thing and have a great time and be sugary sweet - when he realizes that his antics do not get under your skin, it become less of a "fun game" for him to agitate you and he'll eventually shut up and give up.

In life we all have choices to make. You can choose how to interact with your family but you can't fully control how your brother acts or how your parents act - all you can do is control your own decision making. You have to decide if it is worth it to continue on this path (right or wrong) and then live with the pros and cons of your decision.

My thought is why let him "win" by keeping you away from family gatherings? He's the O. that acted like a dufus, so why should you avoid your family?
Also, I think you should stop expecting your family to "say anything to him to defend" you. Don't expect anyone to take sides.
I don't know what's going on with your brother, but maybe if your parents needed him to help with the roof, THEY should have talked to him to ask for help, you shouldn't have texted him a demand.....

So you're going to punish your parents as well as your brother? Okay. You do realize you are asking your parents and the rest of your family to choose you over your brother. You are upset because they chose your brother because he has the grandbaby.

You are holding a grudge and holding out for an apology you will never get. Believe me, I know. I had a major falling-out with my brother many years ago. We didn't speak for 6 months - until he called me on my birthday. He didn't apologize and neither did I. We just moved on. We get our families together every once in awhile and keep in touch regularly. Sure, I still think he's an obnoxious bully, but what does that matter? I love his kids and he loves mine.

I think you should be the bigger person, swallow your pride and attend these family functions. Your family is right, today isn't about you, it's about your father. And the baptism isn't about you either, it's about the baby. You can't be civil for a day?

It sounds like your brother is in the wrong, but let me just say this... there is going to be a day when you don't have your mom and dad around and you don't know when that time will come. And your going to look back at every Father's day, b-day, etc, etc and wish you hadn't done this. There are ways to be at something your brother is at and avoid him, but do not avoid seeing your parents because of him.

So when you ask your brother to help the rest of you help your dad repair his roof he starts a feud with you to get out of it? And he's done this in the past? Are you saying that everyone lets him get away with this to keep the peace? Does he have anger or mental health issues, does he drink or use drugs?

Or am I reading this wrong? Were you perhaps unintentionally abrupt when you asked him to help? Did he feel gulity, did he simply not want to help? Did you ruffle his feathers in how you phrased your request?

Not being there, we can't judge for ourselves. The thing is, when adults hold onto a misunderstanding, it punishes everyone around them. You are missing good times with your family while you continue this thing with your bro. Doesn't matter who started it or why, what matters is who is continuing it. Because really...your being angry with him isn't going to teach anybody a lesson here nor is anyone going to sanction him for his behavior. If that was going to happen, it already would have. Just go to the family events and act like nothing happened. Let it go. Doesn't mean you have to chat with him or sit by him, but you certainly can keep your distance and still be a part of the family events.

Good Luck...

I think both of you need to grow up. I've gone through something very similar and it ruined my entire family.

Its not 8th grade. Try to reconcile, and if he won't... then so be it.... but try to "drop the rope" so to speak.

Give your kids a whole family. And give yourself permission to hang out at family functions again.

Said with respect and love, out of experience,
K..

What is it that you are hoping to accomplish? Do you want this battle with your brother to keep you from your family forever? If that is what you want...then continue doing what you are doing. I am not saying that I am siding with your brother...his reaction was way over the top and it sounds like he is a bully who knows that he can get his way by shouting a little louder and threatening to keep the family from the grandbaby. You are playing right into his hands!!! He is secretly loving the fact that you are not attending family functions because of him!!! I would go to the events, I would be cordial to him, love on that new nephew of yours, enjoy your sister in law....and have a ball with the rest of the family!!! You are trying to force your parents to choose YOU over him and their grandson...is that fair to them? I don't think so. You need to be the bigger person in all of this....just act like the blow up never happened....and go on with your life. That will be the way to get back at him!!!

Is the feud with your brother worth losing special time with your family? You have to decide which is more important, sharing special days and meals with your family, or holding a grudge against your brother.

I don't think avoiding family functions because your brother will be there is the answer. Avoiding your brother will only make things worse for both of you (I speak from experience). You should attend the family functions and be cordial with him. Don't purposely avoid him but you also don't have to go out of your way to try and socialize with him either. Also, I don't think it is fair to your father and other family members if you don't attend special family functions because of your brother, whether they say something about it or not. Avoiding family functions is NOT going to make the point you want. It will only hurt the relationship between you and your brother further and will begin to hurt your relationship with the rest of your family. Not only will they think your brother is acting childish but they will also begin to label you as acting childish too. Your family will soon get fed-up with BOTH of you.

I went for years without speaking to my brother so I know crazy and how it feels. I do not expect anyone else to get involved though and since you asked, I think it was wrong of you not to celebrate Father's Day with your dad just because he was going to be there. FD is about dad, not you, not your bro, not anyone else.

Your feud is between you and your brother. IMHO it is not OK to ask anyone else to participate, no matter if it is entirely his fault.

I don' t know your dad but I'm betting he'd lay down his life for you. Or your brother. Not because anyone is better than anyone else, but because you are both his children. You are adults and he should not be telling any adult how to behave. Your brother is not a child and does not get reprimanded by his dad.

You don't have your parents forever. Time that you do have with them is incredibly precious. If your dad passed away tomorrow, would you feel glad that you did not go?

Sounds to me like your brother was definitely in the wrong. With that being said, just because he is immature and acts like a baby, doesn't mean you need to participate in the drama. That will really make you the winner. I would attend all the family events and even say a cordial hello. If he brings it up or tries egging you on, just walk away, don't participate in his games. As far as the family, don't expect them to take sides, As the sane one you will have to be the bigger person. Unfortunately we can not control other peoples behavior. The only thing we can do is rise above it and show that we can handle ourselves like a lady even when we are wronged. Good Luck, I know how hard it can be, sounds like my family, lol

I think that your whole family is being controlled by your brother's reactions and it is not fair, but you can control the way you react to him. I wouldn't let anyone get in the way of spending time with your parents and sister, if that is what you want to do. You have to live your life, just as he is living his. If he doesn't want you around, that is his problem, but kind of hard since you are in the same family. He needs to know that you will be around and he just needs to get over it already and grow up. That sounds like the main issue here.

I have had my fair share of "fueds" over the years. It's just not worth it. I say find a way to not let your brother bother you. Just roll your eyes, and let it roll off your back. I have had disagreements with friends and family members. I always get to the point that I just want the argument to end, so I will apologize even if I don't really mean it. I have apologized to people knowing in my heart that I was right, and they should be the ones apologizing to me. After a certain point it doesn't matter anymore who was right and who was wrong. I just want to get on with my life and put it in the past, and if that means I have to give an empty apology...so be it. Just let this go, and enjoy your family. Life is too short. Be the hero in this situation! Best of luck to you.

Sounds like drugs. Drugs make people very short tempered. Don't rule that out.

As far as family functions go, I think you are in the wrong not attending. You are punishing your father and others for something your brother did, not your father. I understand you not wanting to feel uncomfortable, but you are going to have to suck it up and go.

You can ignore him and pretend he's not around, or just speak to him just enough so you don't look rude. I know it's hard, I've been in your shoes, but you need to continue to go to family functions, it's part of being a grown up. If you don't attend, then you look like the guilty and bad one, not your brother. He will actually come off as the good guy, if you keep on not attending.

I know this is rough, family feuding is VERY stressful...trust me I know!! Good luck to you and your situation.

Personally... I don't feel you were in the wrong. I think you made a reasoned decision and went out of your way not to put your family in the middle. You spent (or rather will spend) time with you Dad on father's day, and are avoiding turning the day into a huge fight/blowup. You dad gets to spend time with both you and his son, and it won't be with the 2 of you radiating displeasure or actively fighting.

Seems like a good compromise as long as you aren't guilt tripping them about uninviting your brother. :)

Clearly there is more to the story.

It isn't up to your parents to play referee because you are all ADULTS and should handle things between you all. Also, it isn't up to your SIL to come over and apologize for your brother. And alienating yourself from family events just makes you look immature in my opinion. You can go to family events without engaging your brother.

You don't have to be friends with your brother, really it is ok not to be friends. And stop texting and pick up the phone if you would like a favor! Maybe, your dad should contact him if he needs some help. And yeah you are holding a grudge about something....maybe counseling would be good for you to deal with your side of the equation.
GL!

My thoughts ...you dont have to have a relationship with your brother but it shouldnt affect your relationship with any one else. I think you should of attended for your father ....

I completely understand you being upset with him and with your family for not putting their foot down with him. I would be upset with them too. He sounds like a jerk. Your parents obviously handle situations differently than you do so you cannot expect them to respond the way you would. But, in all honesty I do think you were wrong for not attending a family event for your parents. These celebrations were about your parents. Not about you and not about your brother. They were not about everyone "hanging out with your brother." They were about your family. If my child did not show up for an event for me I would be pissed. I can see not attending something that was for him....such as a birthday party....but not something for other family members (including his children). By you not attending you are letting your brother win. He has succeeded in alienating you from your own family. He has complete control of the situation and is loving it. Regardless of how much of an a'hole he is the rest of your family is still your family. Don't let him take them away from you. Hopefully you won't look back 20 years from now and have regret for not celebrating special occassions with your family just because of him.

My aunt is crazy like that... I finally said enough and cut her out of my life, but I do not allow her presence or absence to dictate whether or not I am going to go somewhere. I plan on being polite and otherwise ignoring her.
It is not up to your family to say anything to him about you. It is not their fight and you should not expect them to get involved with it. You need to decide what you want out of your brother, and then ask for it. If he does not give it, move on. If he does, then all to the good. Don't pick a family time to do it and don't keep it alive...
Good luck!
R.

I have a sibling who sounds very similar to your brother. Extremely similar. I have been in the same situation so many times I can't even count them all. From someone who has been where you are, trust me, take the high road. My dad died unexpectedly and I would do anything to be able to spend Father's Day again with him. I understand where you are coming from, but if your parents are like mine they will never stop walking on eggshells around your brother. Don't give your brother the power to interfere with your relationships with other family members. Love your niece or nephew as much as possible too, it isn't their fault that they ended up with your brother as a parent. Hang in there and don't tiptoe around your brother. If he wants to act like a child let him- but don't play along.

Issues with you and your brother should remain between the 2 of you. Making the rest of the family take sides will just result in frustration and hurt feelings for everyone. You can choose YOUR feelings and behavior, but not anyone else's. Good luck, and don't let it ruin your life or your other relationships.

;

I am the only sister of three brothers. One I have not talked to in 9 years!! I do hold a grudge and I am not ashamed to say so. If your not comfortable....your not comfortable. Take your dad out on your own. Do what you need to do. Do not expect others to get involved because it does not work. Why have a family brawl. Good luck!

why should you have to go out of your way to "make peace" by not attending family gatherings. let him be uncomfortable with you around! you avoiding him is the very reason why he thinks he can treat others like this..because he knows he can scare them. You go to EVERY event and sit right in FRONT OF HIS FACE and not say a word.

He doesn't have any reason to make amends because he has nothing making him feel uncomfortable enough to; you're handling all the "ugly, uncomfortable stuff" for him...so much that he doesn't even have to deal with the issues of avoiding you at gatherings. You're jumping through hoops figuring all that stuff out for him with your juggling of schedule and meetups with you parents...SIGHHHH... talk aobut exhausting. And he's sleeping like a baby..not worried about a thing! Not caring how he's making you jump through those hoops so that he doesn't get interfered. You think that it's because you don't want to deal with him, but it's really you helping him not to deal with you.

talk about enabling him!

It sounds like your bro needs some help himself. Apparently he can't handle being asked to help out. Obviously, you are not the problem. If you're uncomfortable being where he is, then don't be there. I definately wouldn't feel bad for it. Maybe you should go just to make him mad. JK LOL

Hello, Do you want an apology? I don't think you will get it. I come from a family where family fights were common. I just made sure that I kept my diaper bags by the front door so that when it started, I could pick up and leave with my kids. The fight were always started by my mother. I did go through a period where I didn't talk to her because she was very verbally abusive to me as well as to my brothers, sisters and father. When she started to say things to my children I was done. After a while, my parents moved to another state. We now talk regularly and get along well. I have seen my parents once in the last 25 years. I am planning a trip with a sister in late summer to visit them.
Your brother was wrong. However, you cannot allow him the power of keeping you from the rest of your family. I think you should rejoin them in family activities. Just ignore him and his tantrums. If he turns his anger on you, you can either tell him that you are not going to entertain his behavior, or you can quietly get up and leave. Either way, you are in control. That is what it is all about. Remember that he is the one who needs anger management. His wife is probably walking on eggshells like your mother. I have done that with enough people in my life to not allow it anymore.
By the way, my husband of 43 years died suddenly this year and we will not have him for any more Father's Days or other holidays. Don't miss another day away from your family than you have to. Also, treat your brother like nothing happened and see what happens. If he is rude, just walk away.
Good luck.
K. K.

Hard to say who was in the wrong, but I know that it's always right to stay away from potentially abusive people- for your sake and for the sake of your kids and family. There was a just a caller to Dr. Laura today (crazy though she may be) about this exact issue- barbeque, raging brother and all...(was that you?) and she assured the caller that staying away and protecting the family was the most important. You can make plans with your parents separately. Good luck.

Your family is afraid to come to your side because they, too, are afraid of losing him or of him to blow up on them.

Go to events and stay far away from him.

It will eventually blow over and he will need you.

Do lose his number (not really, you will need to keep it in your contact list to NOT TAKE his calls).