Grudges? Have 'Em? Hold 'Em?

Me? Grudges? Heavens no. Never.

Didn't you get the memo? Ephie is perfect. No grudges and NO issues.

;-)

I'm with Riley. I rarely take up my own energy hating people, or spending time with ones who act terribly, and I WILL cut someone off. At which point, I no longer associate, true, which some could say is a grudge, but I no longer harbor ill will or engage negatively either, so to me, it's just moving on.
With family, there are those who I do tolerate and accept we will never see I to eye. We fight occasionally and settle back in to the status quo after that.

Nope, life is too short and too good. I really have a hard time understanding grudges even knowing the causes in relationships which lead up to them. I knew of a family grudge based on an abusive issue and that I could understand better, it involved and innocent child being abused. But anything else I don't get.

Well..............with regards to FAMILY, the O. you're born into, like it or not....no grudges ever. I have a HUGE very close family, we are are dramatically different, and yet every single O. of us makes an attempt (to varying degrees of success) to leave our egos at the door, and celebrate each other. We REALLY do.

My guy, my ex husband, every guy I've ever been with falls immediately in love with my family, doesn't see to recognize that we WORK at getting along, thinks we all just fell out of the sky exactly the same and somehow it all works.

And then in the next sentence (my guy) say something derogatory, unforgivable, unworkable about a member of (his) their OWN family.....

Sigh.

But, you are exactly right, there ARE some possible mentally unstable, uh, friends on this site, who JUST CANNOT LET THE THING GO!!!

Who cannot just giggle, roll their eyes, whatever, and target at mom constantly. There's been many instances of this made apparent to me.

And frankly, you're O. of them Denise. There are some complete strangers, denise, who just CANNOT let you have your say. I'm sorry, sigh.

:(

(so, if you mean do I hold grudges with posters I regularly disagree with? Hell no, in fact, I actually LEARN the MOST from them!)

I don't hold grudges.
HOWEVER, as far as family goes, I've had to distance myself from some people because they repeatedly mistook my kindness for weakness or were repeatedly were disrespectful. I haven't told them they are not allowed to call me though. They can call me as long as they are not calling to ask for any more favors. I can't go to their social gatherings because there is always this O. family member that gets drunk then turns verbally abusive and physically violent as well as destructive. It usually ends when the police are called on her. This has happened so often that the officers knew her by name and would simply give her a ride home. My family continues to invite her to everything though because they don't want to hurt her feelings by leaving her out.

HERE on Mamapedia, I've had some issues with being PM'd because someone disagreed with me. In O. instance it turned really nasty and childish on both our parts. I feel like that was then this is now though so I don't bother thinking about the past drama I've had with so-and-so.
I've moved on with life. If the person/people make posts and I have some input I will comment, if I have nothing useful then I move on to a different post. If they make a comment on someone else's post and I agree with them I send them a flower. If I disagree then I just move on to the next comment or post. :)

The only thing a grudge does is to hurt the person that is holding it!

I know it is difficult to forgive sometimes, but really..... all the resentment does is hurt you... the other person rarely knows what is going on!

It is amazing how family members fight over seemingly trivial things, or get upset because someone else got the "item" that they wanted when Aunt Martha passed on.....

Life is too short for that kind of resentment! Move on!

I work with middle school kids... and sometimes, the behavior on this board rivals just that.... grow up, folks!

Nope. If I don't begrudge them enough to off them, nor care for them enough to settle it, why let them rent space inside my head? That's just unnecessary drama.

Not to say that I don't completely and totally cut some people out of my life (I do) but that's just another way to settle a grudge. Once they are out of my life, why would I go to the trouble to bring them back in? Resentments, in my experience are rather pointless. Fix it, be done, and move on. With the person or without them.

((Because I'm a word geek, I did actually look up the definition. Because I DO have some people accuse me of holding grudges because I will not share air with certain people. But that's not a grudge in my -or apparently Webster's- definition. It's the resentment, ill will, bitterness, taunting, etc. aspect that defines a grudge. I certainly don't have to hold a grudge to ban a person from my life. It just means I don't like them, and don't particularly feel the need to waste any energy even thinking about them, much less spending time with them. That's not a holding a grudge, that's -O. way- of SETTLING a grudge.))

–noun
1.
a feeling of ill will or resentment: to hold a grudge against a former opponent.
–adjective
2.
done, arranged, etc., in order to settle a grudge: The middleweight fight was said to be a grudge match.
–verb (used with object)
3.
to give or permit with reluctance; submit to unwillingly: The other team grudged us every point we scored.
4.
to resent the good fortune of (another); begrudge.
–verb (used without object)
5.
Obsolete . to feel dissatisfaction or ill will.
Origin:
1400–50; late Middle English grudgen, gruggen, variant of gruchen < Old French gro ( u ) c ( h ) ier < Germanic; compare Middle High German grogezen to complain, cry out

—Related forms
grudge·less, adjective
grudg·er, noun
un·grudged, adjective

—Synonyms
1. bitterness, rancor, malevolence, enmity, hatred. Grudge, malice, spite refer to ill will held against another or others. A grudge is a feeling of resentment harbored because of some real or fancied wrong: to hold a grudge because of jealousy; She has a grudge against him. Malice is the state of mind that delights in doing harm, or seeing harm done, to others, whether expressing itself in an attempt seriously to injure or merely in sardonic humor: malice in watching someone's embarrassment; to tell lies about someone out of malice. Spite is petty, and often sudden, resentment that manifests itself usually in trifling retaliations: to reveal a secret out of spite. 4. envy.

I held them in my younger days, before I realized they cause wrinkles ;)

Seriously though, I don't hold grudges and I will forgive, but I do not overlook continuous behavior of the same sort. Patterns show us who people are, mostly, and it can be wise to pay attention. That, of course, does not mean it's time to play rumor mill or gang up on that person.

No. Life is too short to hold grudges. You never know what the other person is dealing with in their life. Just like with road rage and driving, you never know if the person who cut you off in the car was suicidal or their parent just died etc. People do wierd and inappropriate things when they are upset, sad, depressed or have some sort of tragedy in their life. I try to forgive everyone I come in contact with for the pure fact that we are all human-we make mistakes, we are going to make mistakes and as long as I am trying my best to be kind to all, I don't worry about the rest. Holding a grudge doesn't "hurt" the other person, it hurts the person who is holding it---can even cause health issues like a heart attack if its bad enough for some. So, I just try to forgive and not hold any hurts or grudges. As I said, life is way to short!!! Best wishes everyone!

M

I'll admit i struggle with this. My roommate and i once didnt speak to eachother for 2 weeks, because i told her she was gross for using the dishtowel to wipe something up on the floor, which escalated into a huge argument with name calling. We got over it and she has been my best friend for over 10 years now.
My biggest grudge or hatred or disappointment was my ex cheating on me. I went to counceling and was told i needed to forgive him, because holding all the anger inside me was only hurting myself. I forgave, but i never forgot and i took him back. Now 5 years later he cheated on me again! I think i wish i would have kept that anger, because i wouldnt have to be going through this all over again.
I'm struggling everyday. I don't want to forgive what he has done to me and my kids. I don't want to be nice to him. He doesnt deserve it. I know i will struggle with trust issues and anger issues towards him for a very long long time.

Grudges no. The List, yes. My extended family has The List onto which our enemies are put. They thought it died with my dad, but no, someone was put on it this weekend. God help those people on The List. ;-)

Wow, Momof4. Way to air out your dirty laundry with Denise in a very passive agressive way! I wouldn't have known ya'll had a disagreement or what it was about had you not just told me. It doesn't sound like you let it go at all.

I do hold grudges for quite a while, depending on the nature of the offense. Nothing like dinner bills or anything, more of the toxic family stuff (drugs, lying, manipulation, ect). Once I let the grudge go, we can try again, but I will never forget and always be on the defensive so that history doesn't repeat itself.

Grudges are hard to understand if you only look at the (often small) event that appeared to trigger it. They're easier to understand if you look at the underlying conflicts in patterns, personalities, values and histories. There are usually bigger issues just under the surface, and often they are invisible to the "grudgers," even if they are obvious to others looking on.

We're also living in times of enormous change, and as a result, of widespread fear and public conflict, personal, national, across cultures/traditions/religions. There are new issues we are not sure how to deal with yet, and old issues that we have not yet healed, as families or as a nation, like racism, that cause huge tensions and misunderstandings.

"Conflict resolution" was seen as centrally important and worth working toward when I was a young adult, essential to making a better future for coming generations. People (at least in my circle) were willing to sacrifice the desires of the ego for long-term growth. There were all sorts of programs put together in schools, all kinds of workshops, dozens of self-help books.

Some have stuck, but just barely. It's become so common lately for people, celebrities, political figures to point fingers and call each other names. This seems to be accepted by the general public, which further engages in this destructive but briefly satisfying practice. I'm a hopeful person, but sometimes I feel real despair at how quickly a group of people will gleefully sink to the lowest common denominator. Sometimes, right in front of our own children, whom we should be teaching the long-lasting satisfactions of peaceful living, good manners, and the self-sacrifice and personal courage required to earn real spiritual maturity. Culturally, we more and more often seem to be living in a tawdry reality show.

I still hope. At some point, won't we realize that it would be to all our benefit, and certainly to the benefit of future generations, to learn how to bite our tongues? To not react? To learn how to apologize? To give the benefit of the doubt? To practice real charity? To consider the benefits of forgiving that will allow us to trade a past that can't change for a future that can? How low will we have to sink before the next upward swing of the pendulum begins?

Not too long, I hope. I have the most amazing, beautiful, tender, and still innocent grandson who is just old enough to experiment with choosing anger over happiness. He and his amazing, beautiful, and innocent age-mates watch what people around them do. They imitate. They experiment. I hope the adults around them recognize the potential of this moment, and see the value in finding common ground, choosing happiness, learning how to deal with conflict in more grown-up ways.

Even if that means learning to curb our own ego-cravings.

On a more personal note: Denise, I personally appreciate your point of view on most topics, and the sense of humor you bring to this site. If there are others who spend their mental and emotional energy stalking or cursing your existence, I hope you will just shrug and ignore them. If you've discussed your issues like a grownup, if you've forgiven them, if you've made whatever apologies are appropriate, and if they still can't let go, that's not on you. You can't make everybody happy. Seems to me they are the ones suffering the bigger loss.

well, it depends.....I don't believe I hold grudges, but I definitely have cases where I never/ever go back to where we were.

The most recent, most vivid example would be: my Dad passed away 20+ months ago. My stepmom "lost" it....& began her downward spiral descent. Financially, my sis & I had ?s which she refused to answer...or simply ignored us. We sought legal advice & found that she had grieviously mishandled the estate. We are now 1 year past this legal consult....& she has now confessed the extent of her sins (both morally & legally). For me, there is NO going back. There is no continuing of this relationship. The extent of her lies & deceit are at a level beyond my coping skills......& as soon as our co-owned home is sold......I am DONE. Is this a grudge? I prefer to consider it a choice to prevent her from further contaminating our lives......!

Seems like Kenny got it right..

You gotta know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run!

Nope- generally don't hold on to things b/c it's just not worth the mental energy. That doesn't mean I continue to expose myself to these folks or situations, just walk away... sometimes run!

I wonder what "grudge" really means. I try hard to not hold a grudge against anyone but it is hard. The saying, "forgive and forget",,hmm, I can forgive, and stay somewhat cordial or friendly with a person who wronged me, but I dont forget and I always stay wary of what they might do in a similar situation. There is a young man who wronged my daughter (just friends) years ago and spoiled what should have been a terrific great time in her life. It cost me money, time, effort, and he ruined the plans we all made. It broke her spirit to some degree. He distroyed their friendship and took advantage of us. He ran off, owing us a lot, and now hes back and she is friends with him again, and I am still not too thrilled when I run into him. I cant change what happened, and as much as I can forgive, its hard. Its not so much of a grudge, as I dont care for his lack of character. But I rarely think of him, and have only seen him once in 2 years now. So its not eating me up, but when it comes to mind, I am still ticked at him.
I also have another person I am holding hard feelings for because I see the effects of what he did to our family every day. I try so hard everyday to see the good in the situation, and be greatful for what we do have and how wonderful this situation is compared to some others. But Im still upset by his actions and so deeply disapointed in him, his family, and myself for not being able to handle it better. So, yes I guess I hold grudges. Wish I didnt. And I dont have wrinkles Paige.. I fill mine up with fat instead. (o:

I think grudges are childish too. My family is impossible to talk to sometimes so instead of getting in fights with them about parenting I joined this site. I have read a couple so far on here and wonder why people get so bent out of shape when they don't agree with others' answers or opinions. Who cares? Isn't that why you come on here? To see diverse answers and opinions. Why go the extra distance to bite someone's head off because their kids watch more tv than your kids or something?

I understand what Mamaof3 is talking about though, I struggle with my ex a lot. It's hard to forgive him for the things he did and the reasons why I left him. I feel like if I forgive then I'm vulnerable to take him back. The fire I feel now is not so much anger as it is I'm not fooled by his image anymore. That part of grudges (exes) is hard to deal with to me.

Just to add: At least today, some of the posts seem to be very aggressive on other questions from what I've seen so far. It seems like people are just so stuck in their thoughts of what is "right" to them that they will make it their mission (it seems) to make the mom look like they are wrong and why, just to try and rationalize what they think is right. I saw a couple posts earlier that left me going wow, really. Chill out there ARE other people who do different things. And O. post left me saying I hope the poster checks your profile because what you claimed in your post was a lie. It's crazy what some people will do to make sure everyone knows what they think and believe is "right"

Holding grudges are a waste of time.
Because it is something that happened in the past, and you cannot change what already happened.

You can only change, your attitude toward it.
Sure, remember it per gaining wisdom about it and not trusting that person or situation or scenario, but learning from it. Hence, hindsight.

It is about hindsight. And then moving on with your life.
Versus, living in that moment in time, constantly.

Grudges... keep a person stuck, in time and stuck in unproductive attitudes.

I have relatives that have held grudges until the day they died.
They became salty offensive people, who never moved on with their lives. The 'grudge' became, their life and motivation.
That is, so unproductive and alienates, everyone. It makes everyone have to walk on eggshells, around that person.
No wonder they are not happy.
Because no O. can be themselves, around people like that, nor have fun, around you or with you.

Holding grudges... alienates everyone around that person. And then the person holding the grudge wonders, WHY no O. likes them or wants to hang out with them!
Of course, no O. likes being around anyone with a grudge, because they don't want to get on that person's S**T list, either.
They are just making themselves.... not wanted by anyone.
It is so, unpleasant to be around anyone, with a grudge.
NO O., can 'please' someone who holds a grudge or is always having a grudge against anything in life.
They are 'oppressive', thusly, to those around them.

I think grudges are childish. Just as some people on here can't handle a comment or tiny criticism and they lash out with angry emails which is wrong. In life people have to learn...don't ask a question that you don't want an answer too or just say 'no harsh answers'. Overall everyone must learn tact, what may be acceptable to O. is not to another. I believe holding grudges is not healthy. You either accept the person or comment as is; try to understand that certain people are a certain way like being too direct, harsh, rude or too nice. If you don't like someone don't put yourself in harms way to keep the grudge or feud going. In the end forgive and forget, forgive and don't forget, or avoid. I believe in "treat others how I would like to be treated" and "alway protect life and property". Grudges who needs them, let it go and live stress free. : )

I don't think a grudge can be born of an individual event, but are the result of cumulative infractions.... and yes, I am half-Scottish. I can hold a grudge like no O.'s business! And I do.

Family, I have said it once, and I'll say it again, is more than DNA. Just sharing some chromosomes doesn't not alone make a family. And yes, I have written off individuals who I once considered close family because of offenses that are not in my capabilities to forgive.

We are all imperfect and life is too short to hold grudges. In my family and around me I have seen far too many situations in which it's impossible to go back and forgive. Just my observation and opinion ; )

Ugg - hate to admit to --- have a slight grudge against my SIL who refuses to come to any family gatherings participate in any family events (like my O.-year daughter's birthday or my 12'th grader's graduation) . Never gives a gift (but can totality afford it) for any event --- My BIL has no impact (or my DH) -- I have no idea where his impact is??? Ugghhh - it is very frustrating. And I truly wish that it was not. The only thing I wish for my kids is that their relationship with their extended sibs was easy :)

Life is too short to hold grudges or "hate" someone...it doesn't affect them - it only affect the person holding on to it...

Hopefully people are smart enough to learn from their mistakes, admit them and forgive and forget or not so much forget - but LEARN from it.

You and I have had our differences...but that's life...no O. thinks the same way - God - how boring life would be if we all thought the same way!!

Paige M has let me know where my wrinkles came from! I thought it was old age!! Seriously, I hold 2 grudges but I do believe that there are some unforgivable acts...ie my ex husband cheating on me throughout our entire marriage and a co-worker that made up vicious lies about me in an attempt to get me fired. I pity her because I really am not worth hating as much as she hates me... but I cannot forgive the actual lies. As for any other issue, I can let it go relatively easily.

I have never experienced any negativeness from this panel..only support. Thank you all for that.