Was a Second Pregnancy Hard on You and Your Marriage?

i wrote a post similar to this a few months ago. I am now 37weeks pregnant. My husband got sick of me "putting him down" and cheated. He wasn't helping me with the 2 kids we have, or helping with house hold chores. I had morning sickness till 5 months. It sucks, but apparently what i have learned is that this is to be expected. So i guess most women put up with their husbands not being helpful. I expect more from a partner. Anyways i wish you better luck than what i've had. Men are men is all i can say.

We had a rollercoaster of a time during/after the birth of baby #2. We started checking in with a marriage counselor after that to have a safe haven to explore our resentment. We knew we wanted a big family (4 or 5) kids and didn't want to go through that same rollercoaster/hard times again. We have continued the counseling through this pregnancy (I am nearly 38 weeks) and it has been MUCH BETTER. My husband is much more helpful and my emotions are (most of the time) more in check. The sleepless nights and nursing and being off work on maternity leave left me a mess after baby #2 and he didn't sleep through the night until 9 mos (he was getting up 2-3 times a night to nurse). I had no time to exercise or to myself, was working full time and became a zombie....it was definitely WORSE after the baby was born than during the 2nd pregnancy. I would suggest starting marriage counseling now (maybe just every 3 weeks or so) to keep things in check. It has REALLY REALLY helped us. Good luck!

heck yes! I packed my one year old up and left a few times. I had crazy mood swings and there was an issue with cheating. I was so hurt and borken I couldnt see past anything we fought or talked about. I only had the thoughts of some other woman with him. I also was completely lost for where to start with out him.

We ended up sticking it out. After I had left for good. I moved in with my sister for a bit.

I think resentment is just a phase of mommy hood. Some women dont ever hit that stop. More often then not they have and dont want to admit it. It may be good for you to sit down with him and let him know where you need help. You are only gonna need more as you get further along.

Also know that hormones are normal. Guys will understand that they are something we cant control. Dont loose sight of why you guys are in this together. That can sometimes become foggy when you feel resentment towards someone.

Hang in there!!

Yes! The only good pregnancy is the first pregnancy. I was at the exact stage you were--preggers with number 2 while chasing crazy 16 mo boy. And I FLIPPED OUT. I'm talking taking off at 2 in the morning to drive...just drive. I wanted to escape everything, including my own skin. I could not breath, it was unseasonably hot, my allergies were bothering me, heartburn was awful, and worst of all? I kind of hated my toddler. I feel terrible about it now, of course.

What helped was finding a PERI-natal support group. It actually was peri and post combined, and it was a godsend. I also went back on Zoloft--you need a higher dose when pregnant because of so much extra blood volume. It helped immensely.

My husband really stepped up after kid number 2. With just one, I did all the house stuff, the cooking and the bulk of kid care. When I flipped out, he did better; when kid 2 came along, he became the laundry and dishes man. And he still is! He's total Joan of Arc about it, but who cares, it's getting done.

Two in two years is chaos! And pregnancy with a toddler boy is nuts. Hang in honey. Email me privately and we'll chat!

Both pregnancies were very hard on me, and a bit hard on our marriage. The first year after the birth of each of our children was particularly difficult because of the lack of sleep and hormones adjusting after childbirth. It did get much better. My husband has always worked a lot, and I'm a teacher, so when the boys were little it was overwhelming at times. I have found that if I am clear about what I need, my husband is good about helping with just about anything. You say that your husband is helpful, so maybe he just needs to be told a bit more clearly what you need him to do. I'm sorry things are hard right now. I hope things get easier for you soon. At least after pregnancy you will feel better (at least I did - I hated pregnancy). On a positive note, children do get easier as they get older. Ours are 7 and 13 now, and we've been happily married for 17 years. We've only had a couple of stressful years, and those were directly related to pregnancy and childbirth. Take care of yourself and rest when you can. I know that's easier said than done. :)

Hi S., I have four children and you were very blessed to not have the same feelings during the first pregnancy. I am glad to read that your husband is helping out, but I do hope his commitment to helping out has increased. You are going to need to use the lions share of your energy to create a healthy baby, which I am assuming that he also wanted (he was there when this child was conceived?). Sometimes husbands/fathers do not realize that moms-to-be need more help than ever, and need to be reminded. It's part of the package during the decision making process (do we want another child?), if yes, then he MUST pitch in as much as he needs to - notice I didn't say 'wants'. You of course are more tired this time, you have an energetic little one that you are also trying to keep up with...and you say YOU are the breadwinner - WOW!!! You're husband has no idea how awesomely lucky he is!!! He should be kissing your feet and massaging them every time you walk in the door and bringing you a cup of tea and a foot rest! Besides he should be doing the lions share of the housework and childcare - this would be considered 'normal'.

I also work as a doula here in our state, and am forever teaching new daddy's how to help mom, because for some reason us mom's don't do a very good job of teaching OUR sons how to take care of THEIR wives and especially when they are pregnant or nursing! I've even had father's forget they were actually present when the little one was conceived, and they are treating their wives like it wasn't something they wanted. However, when we get into discussion about it...oh yeah! they DO want this child "so I better step up to the plate"!! You know it's also amazing to watch them step up...especially knowing that I am watching, and I am 'there' for them if they need someone to talk with, and know that I want what's best for them too. No real dad wants their wife or child to not think they are the "BEST DAD" any less than a mom wants to be "BEST MOM"

I'm sure there are doulas in your area...to find one go to: www.dona.org

Hope this helps!

We checked in with our marriage counselor with each pregnancy because I was a rollercoaster as well....It helped quite a bit...also by what you are saying is that you are carrying the load...It is time he gets off is "butt" and be a man and pitch and take responsibility...No offense.

The pregnancy wasn't but having two little ones is. I'm hoping that everything eases up in a couple of years. It's tough!

With my second pregnancy I was in school full time with a toddler and my husband worked full time. It was challenging, but I don't remember it being a huge strain on my marriage. But I really think that was due to a few decisions my husband and I made. I realized pretty quickly that I was too tired and too busy to do everything perfectly. So I looked at the situation and decided that school and my son were the two most important things. I made sure to take care of both of those well. Then I decided to do what I could with the others and not worry if the results were subpar. I expressed my feelings to my husband and he was on board with my choice. He helped out with things when I needed him to and we both accepted than sometimes I would be too tired to cook or clean the apartment and we would either go out or ignore the mess or he would take care of it.

The best pregnancy advice I ever received came from a wise friend of mine when I complained to her about being too exhausted to do all the things I wanted to do. She said I should be grateful for the tiredness and listen to what it was telling me. My body was saying that I needed to slow down and take care of my baby. Allowing myself to take that advice lifted a huge physical and emotional burden off my shoulders.

I'm currently 26 weeks pregnant with our second, and we also have a 3.5 yo son, and my husband is a second year medical student. He helps out way more than I ever would expect him to, regardless of my being pregnant, because most med student husband's I know just don't have the time for it between class, studies and exams. But he's also very self-driven to help me because he is so particular about things getting done around the house. When I was first pregnant, I was so nauseated and exhausted that he would leave for school in the morning when I was still in bed and come home from school in the afternoon to find me on the couch watching a cartoon movie with our then 3yo son. This irritated him till no end. How could the laundry not be done? Why are there dishes piled in the sink? How come there's only leftovers or sandwiches for dinner? Seriously, God FORBID I feed the man a sandwich! Or a bowl of cereal! Granted I have always been one to keep a tidy house and cook pretty nice meals, but this pregnancy started so rough that I just couldn't keep up. So he put it all on himself and dove himself mad trying to do house chores AND school. Esther than being ok with things getting done, just done at a slower pace and not necessarily in the most perfect fashion. At one point I was ok with losing the baby, it was affecting our marriage so badly. It's been a huge roller coaster this pregnancy, way different than my first, and I honestly still haven't wrapped my brain around the fact that I'm going to have another kid to take care of! The reality of it hasn't settled in. I'm now 26 weeks and have Major fatigue, back and hip pain. So once again, I'm slow or "slacking" in getting things done around the house (cooking, errands, laundry, cleaning, etc). Again today it became a source of contention with him and now he's sleeping in the basement after telling me he doesn't like who I've become over the last 5-6 weeks and I need to not be this person anymore because he doesn't want to be around me like this. I'm seriously floored. I know I'm not perfect, and I'm sure I'm acting certain ways and reacting to certain things differently because of my pregnant state and all the side effects that come with it. I don't know that I would wish anything be different about our situation. I just don't know what to do to make it better. I feel like I'm giving all I can, so what more is there to do? I'm stuck. I wish you the best with your situation and pray that both of ours gets better with time. I can't think of anything else that would make much of a difference, for me at least. We have 3 more years of school and then residency so...it is what it is!

I did feel like this when I was pregnant with number two. It is tough, but having help, helps soooo much. Do you have any family close by that might be able to help you when baby is born? Even if it's just cooking dinner. You should sit down with your husband and pass on some if the household chores to him, like washing dishes, cooking, vaccuming, etc... I am not the breadwinner, but it's still difficult. For me the first six months with new baby was the hardest. I took it as three month milestones and started feeling like I was accomplishing something. I eventually learned that I'm only human, and that Im not superwoman. I stressed a lot and was anal. I learned to let go, relax and changed my priorities. Suddenly the world wasent against me :) There were times where we ate pizza, macaroni and cheese or hot dogs for dinner. There just isn't enough time or enough of me to go around. After a long conversation with my husband, we both realized that planning and being on the same page is what keeps us both sane. Plan quick dinners at times and ask for help if needed. Do not bite more than you can chew, like in my case. It will easily wear you down. Plan a night out with friends of just the two of you. If you feel that your toddler might need more play time out in the fresh air, plan a couple days or afternoons where you go to the park or indoor playground. Work with your husband as a team!! Don't fret the small stuff. What matters is that you are doing the best you can. :) from my experience, it does get easier! It just takes time. One step at a time, and trying to have fun while doing it. Best wishes to you and your family. :)

I think this is the hardest part of being pregnant. Your emotions go crazy.
I have 2 babies. I had a hard time distinguishing between real thoughts and irrational ones when I was pregnant. I would get into such a rut thinking the worst of my husband.
When in reality he was the most helpful supportive, loving man.

What you need to try and do is acknowledge your irrational thoughts as irrational. Try to notice what triggers your "crazy" thoughts and let them leave your mind. When you get over tired, and have these weird emotions going wild its very hard to not be a bi%$ch.
Whenever I had these thoughts I did just that. Instead of acting on them I confronted the fact that they were "crazy" thoughts.

Like I would get mad, jealous etc of my husband going out with his friends.
Now my husband goes out, maybe 2 times a year. I would find myself getting jealous and pissed at him. Then I realized that There is not point in doing that. There is nothing wrong with him going out. Just because I can't isn't his fault, and it's not ok to lash out on him about it.
WHen he asked if I cared, I would say
"honestly, I'm pissed off, but not for any rational reasons. Go and have a blast!"
Its hard, it really is. But if you act on every "crazy" thought you have your marriage will be damaged.

That's when your friends, or family really are a big help. Instead of lashing out, tell you husband the "crazy" way you are feeling. Don't argue, just communicate it to him. He doesn't know what is going on unless you talk about it.

We could be twins! Mine are 5 and 6.5 now though and it gets better... My 2nd pregnancy was definitely hard and I'm also the primary breadwinner though my husband works longer hours bc he's a workaholic. I'll never forget asking him just for the last few weeks before I was due and SO uncomfortable if he could just get home by say 6:00 and then work later after the kids were in bed. Nope. Didn't happen. We have big kids so I remember sitting on the front walk once with both me and my daughter crying bc she wanted me to carry her and I just couldn't be I was about in my last month. She was big and my babies are 9lbs. After the birth was easier because I had a baby nurse AND my mother came later... Those few weeks were the best I'd had in 2 years. Once the help was gone, I guess it wasn't so different than just having one child but it was a very tough couple of years. I still get resentful at times bc I feel like I do everything while he just worries about himself and his job... But it's much easier and better now mainly bc the kids are much easier. So I wouldn't expect it all to magically be ok once the baby is born. I'd say either work on getting yourself help, work on getting him to really be helpful, or just figure it'll be hard until they're older... Good luck. It DOES get better. Feel free to contact me if you want sometime. It sounds like we've had such similar experiences but I'm ahead several years.