"Seeking Advice on How to Handle a Resentful Husband

I've heard the best way to deal with a husband who has NO clue how hard it is to be a SAHM is to leave for a few days, putting the dad in charge at home. (I don't mean run away...I mean plan a visit to relatives or friends). He will not "get it until he lives it". I work part time and I'd say hands down my days at my paid job are far easier.

That's a really tough situation. It's easy for both sides to see the other position as easier. My recommendation is to have him stay home with her all day, or all weekend, so he can get a better idea of how much you do. I'd also take the time to verbally express (with a little extra enthusiasm if necessary) how appreciative you are.

I am sorry you are having a hard time - my husband and I struggle with the same issue. Thanks for posting - I look forward to reading the replies.

T.,

I really feel for you in your situation. My husband and I have some of the same issues. I have found that leaving him with the kids or expecting him to appreciate what I do all day never works. His grumping about me living a life of leisure is usually a sign that he's feeling underappreciated and undervalued. I recommend Laura Schlessinger's book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" for seeing things from his point of view. While I absolutely hated some of the advice in that book, I have to admit that it has helped our marriage. Good luck to you!

First let me say that I am not a stay at home mom and never wanted to be. I did it for the first 4 months of my son's life, and the fact that I adore my one and only child didn't mean that I was cut out to be a SAHM. I couldn't wait to get back to the workforce, and my six year old is growing up just fine in daycare, because we have chosen daycare carefully, are in agreement about how we want to raise him, and we and our families are both very involved with him otherwise. He is a very happy, intelligent, outgoing child and has not suffered in the slightest by being in daycare.
Having said that, I feel certain that your husband doesn't have a clue how busy a SAHM is, even with only one child. I have many friends who are SAHMs and I've seen them in action. He clearly doesn't get that it's not just the actual chores of the household and physical care of a child or children, it's the fact that you are constantly available for everything, and it is difficult to have "me" time when you are the only one there. Everyone needs me time, and a SAHM can really only get it when the other parent is also present, making it hard if the spouse isn't on board to share or swap roles with you. The fact that his job is stressful is irrelevant to the fact that you need adult time as well. Try this and see if he gets it. Borrow a camcorder and videotape a whole day of you at home. Or even better, have him take a day off work, stay at home, and simply watch you throughout your day while doing nothing himself. Have him do his best to be uninvolved with your child or you, essentially being invisible. Have him send your daughter back to you for all answers and assistance, etc., let you do everything you ordinarily do, and just watch what goes on. When he sees how often you have to stop what you are doing because your daughter needs something, etc. then he will begin to understand how it can take hours just to do and fold a couple loads of laundry, or whatever. Most women tend to be excellent multitaskers, but we all have our limits and interruptions at home are no different than interruptions at work.
Something else to consider...you say he is resentful that he works and you don't. Is that related to the decision that was made for you to stay home? You say you gave up your career, was that a joint decision or did you want it but he didn't? Is there a large reduction in income that he feels compelled to try to compensate for? Is he stressed by the simple fact that if he loses his job, there is no more income of any kind? I'm not trying to make excuses for him by any means, but these are things that would stress me out if I was the only working parent in our home. Plus, if you try to talk to him when he is in a bad mood, you are not likely to have a positive or successful conversation. Try to arrange a block of alone time, or even a weekend away, and carefully broach the subject when he is not in battle mode. Hopefully you can both meet in the happy middle, and your daughter will surely benefit from both parents feeling better more positive about each other. I wish you the best in changing the situation for the better!!

Hi T., I totally understand what you're saying. I'm also a first time SAHM who gave up my career. It sounds like both of you are totally exhausted and it is hard to communicate when both parties are stressed and tired. Even if you are not trying to be angry, mean or rude, yours and his body language and tone may seem that way.
My husband and I have actually been seeing a psychologist for six months now. It has helped but truthfully, it has been hard keeping up with it because we need time alone to communicate in a relaxing, stressful environment and it's hard to do that at the end of a full day with a toddler screaming for attention. But we were at the verge of divorce because we couldn't stand to talk to each other anymore and I really hope that it doesn't go that far for the both of you.
I would suggest therapy...but it did take several years for my husband to give into that idea. If your husband is willing, great. If not, there are 2 books that I found that were useful (suggested by our psychologist):
1. Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition (Paperback)
by Ph.D. Harville Hendrix (My hairdresser recommended it to me too so it must be a good book!)
2. Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children (Paperback) by Thomas Gordon (between you and me, it says it's for raising children but I found the communication skills effective on husbands (immature or not) too!)
Oh, another one was recommended to me but I haven't read it:
The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Laura Schlessinger. She also writes one for SAHMs.
I really hope you guys can somehow find some time alone and go on a date. It is very important for the both of you to be able to communicate well and not let that deteriorate. Don't give up on communicating. The P.E.T. book can guide you through that.
I'm also wondering if your husband is just saying that because he thinks you don't understand how stressful his job is. He may be just defending himself and not really attacking your decision to stay at home. It may take several times for him to "get" that you appreciate his effort to bring home a paycheck. My husband used to do that. He said that the work I do is not as life-threatening and crucial as his even though I'm the one that has to drive our kid around in a sleep-deprived state!
My husband and I still get into terrible arguments but the important thing is to be able to revolve our issues and this is something that we are modeling to our kids. We haven't perfected it and it will take a lot of practice but we are trying our best.
Finding a mom's group so you can talk to another adult about similar issues is also a great way to strengthen your own emotions.
I also recommend the movie Fireproof. It is Christian and I don't know what your beliefs are but it really touched my husband and I. In that movie, it is apparent that women want love but what men really want is respect. But your husband has to have an open mind and be humble enough to be able to appreciate the movie because it shows the man in the movie leading the example. I guess I would suggest watching the movie by yourself first. I was actually quite surprised at my husband's reaction. He cried like a baby!
Best wishes to you. Hope this helps. :)
PS: Leaving the baby for hubby for a day as mentioned by previous post is also a good suggestion if your husband is willing to take the challenge by himself. Unfortunately, my husband just asked his mom over and didn't really do what he was supposed to. :b

I skimmed some of the other responses, and I sort of react differently. I would guess your husband does not really wish to be the one at home, not do I feel he is unappreciative of you. I think that HE feels bad about himself and is feeling very sorry for himself. I don't know if he has good reason or not, but this is coming from how he feels about himself and how he interprets you feelings for him. I dounbt it is really about the SAHM thing, that's just the topic of conversation, not the problem.

It sounds like he is being a jerk to you, but it really smacks of a man acting like he isn't getting enough affection and attention for himself. he may be totally wrong, but it doesn't make his feelings invalid or unimportant. It sounds like the two of you need to spend some quality time together.

It also sounds like you need to come to some understanding on how to deal with parenting. If being a SAHM is a must for you and going back to work is a deal-breaker, then you need to figure out what it is he needs to make that work for him. It is hard for me to imagine this just popped out of the blue - didn't you talk about this choice before the baby was born? Do you think he FEELS like it was shoved down his throat and now all the pressure is on him?? I am not saying you DID shove it down his throat, but unfortunately you have to deal with how he feels and not necessarily what you intended or anticipated.

Yes, your husband should have alone time with his kids for his own and their own benefit. But that isn't going to solve this. His feelings are hurt for some reason and you need to address that. I recently started therapy for completely unrealated reasons, but I have discovered that I really have not been treating my husband in an appreciative way. And for me to get that from him, I need to show it too. I suggest you consider talking with a counseler alone or with him, not for the purpose of long-term marital counseling, but just to have someone mediate this for you and give you some strategies to communicate better.

I know exactly how you feel, but I also understand a little how he feels too. I was home with my son for a year, then had to go back to work for a year. I got pregnant with my daughter and stayed home for 2 years, but now am faced with returning to work in the fall. The first time I was home my husband was very unappreciative. He always complained- just like yours. But when I went back and he had to step up to the plate, he saw it in a whole different light. After these 2 years, HE is the one that wishes I could stay home!

In his defense, after work, you are super tired. He probably sees you at home as a way out of the grind and has no idea how emotionally and physically draining it can be. It sounds to me like he is craving attention more than anything and needs outside justification that he is contributing too. My husband felt like he was removed and that I got all the love from the kids and that making the money wasn't important. Let him know that it is. Also, make sure that he is getting the physical love he they needs. It's amazing how a bit of "intimacy" manages to de-stress a man! I think one of the reasons my husband did his turn around was that I now understood how tired he was and made extra effort once I was home to let him know how much I appreciated him working so I didn't have to. I promise you that even if you feel you do more, making him feel he is appreciated will not hurt a bit! Remember, he had you all to himself before. Try to give him a little- you need to take care of him too!

First, not working outside of the home doesn't mean you don't work. If you can be happy with that assurance being your own, then I think half the battle is won, b/c it doesn't seem like your husband is going to be saying that. As far as he goes, it might be good to ask him how you can make him feel appreciated. Maybe he just needs to be told "thank you for working to support us." Maybe he needs something more tangible, like you having dinner ready when he walks in the door (if that's possible) and evenings geared towards him. There could be a lot of different ways that he understands appreciation (a dinner might not work for him, he might need you to tell him, or he might need BOTH, etc). I think your best bet is to figure that out, and then maybe he will talk more about how you can help ease his workday stress. Good luck!

T.:

I was in your shoes 8 years ago. My husband came home from work after a particularly stressful day and said "all you do is sit around watch tv and eat bon-bons all day". I was LIVID - I could've killed him right then and there and I think a jury would've let me off too (LOL). I called my MIL and told her what he said, she said "Let me talk TO him", I handed the phone over and he went outside for a little while, he came back in and apologized.

Then 2 years later, after the birth of our second son, my husband was laid off - he was home with me and the boys for six weeks. This gave him an insight that proved invaluable - from that point forward he thought and still thinks I am Wonder W..

Explain to your husband that you are the following:
Wife
Mother
Taxi Driver
Psychologist
Nurse
Doctor
Chef
Seamstress
Launderer
All-around maid
Oh heck, I know I'm missing something here - but you get the point.

DO NOT stop communicating with your husband! This is BAD. Communication is the key to a successful marriage.

Ask him WHY he wants your daughter to go to day care and you back to work - is there a problem with your finances? Is there something he's not telling you?

Explain to him that even though you love your daughter - YOU gave up YOUR career to stay at home with her. You gave up things too in order to have this life.

If he's not happy with his job - ask him if he wants to find a new one. And if so - what does he want to do?

When my husband comes home, I try to make sure he comes home to a some-what clean house (not perfect) and let him alone for about 10 minutes before I tell him about our day. I let him get changed, have a beer and just "be". Then I let the boys pounce all over him.
So here's my suggestion:

Tell your husband to take a week off work - YOU need a vacation (go visit your family or go to the beach, etc.) and leave him 'in charge' - a list of your daily routine and let him be "MR. Mom" for the week. Ensure you have play dates scheduled, doctors appointments, the whole gammut - then when you come home he should appreciate you that much more.

If that doesn't work - I would suggest counseling.

Take care!

Cheryl

Communication with a spouse is so important. Instead of rising to an argument with him, listen to him. Even if he's attacking, if you ignore that, then you can really get to the heart of what's bothering him. When you rise up for the argument, the issue now is between you and him.
If his career is really stressful, then he probably does look at how relaxed you appear to be and wishes he could make a change. Or, it could be he's missing some free time he used to have with you. Try being sympathetic and letting him know you appreciate what he is doing. That his "sacrifice" is needed to provide a stable environment like you both had wanted for your daughter. If he's still pressuring you to go back to work out of the home, give him some real numbers to show why that wouldn't be effective. Yes, you might be able to save some money, but you also spend as much. Double commute costs, double drycleaning, additional doctor bills, backup daycare providers, double sets of wipes, etc., add up. But, you need to remind him that you both knew it would mean a financial sacrifice to come home. This is a temporary arrangement, and you understand his frustration really has nothing to do with whether or not you are working out of the home. Honestly, in this economy, it might take almost a year to even find another job if you've left one to become a SAHM. Men understand numbers so much better than emotions. I'd remind him we'd have to put her in daycare just so I could find a job, which might take a year unless you want me to sling burgers or shelve merchandise. So, what's really bothering him? Does he need some time to rest? When was the last time you all took a vacation? With a baby in the house, there's a whole lot of work and very little downtime. Sometimes, a break helps and your DH can go back to the daily grind with a better attitude. I know you're on one income, but there are specials off season at really nice hotels. Plan a daytrip somewhere nearby, stay one night in hotel and head home in the morning. That might be just what he needs to feel like a new man. Lancaster is 2 hrs away; Baltimore also offers some family-friendly sites (Aquarium, MD Science Center or Port Discovery). Going to WDC Smithsonians is also fun, depending on your baby's age. If money is really tight, a picnic lunch at one of the beautiful parks in the area might be nice. Glen Echo and Watkins Park are two that come to mind that have a carousel, mini golf course, animals, and of course playgrounds that might be fun.

Hi-I agree w/the others about he has no idea how hard it is to be a stay at home parent. You didn't say if you would rather be working, but I saw you said "gave up career to stay home.." It's different nowadays-maybe you go back to the career you gave up & your husband gives up the stressful job he hates to stay home?
My husband split everything 50/50 & it works for us really well. It was hard for him at 1st to have me be the initial breadwinner while he was a house husband when we were ironing out our new life together. Now, since we have successfully merged our businesses & lives into one, we tag in & out all day so one of us can work while the other hangs w/the kids. We even share household chores, like the dishes-I wash/load the dishwasher (which he hates), & he puts away (which I hate), etc...I do the majority of other house cleaning, but he lets me sleep in every morning-a fair trade in my book;)!
Good Luck!

Once upon a time I dreamed of being a stay at home mom, at least until my child was old enough to go to school. My husband seemed to have that same dream. He used to say he would love to be a stay at home dad. I thought this just seemed odd to me, but then we decided if the time came about when one of us could support the bills we would let the other stay at home. We have not really got there yet but if that time comes I hope that we can take it. If he stays at home while I work it would only be for a while, I'd say maybe a year but that depends on how much I liked my job and how comfortable he was at home. Then, he would hopefully get a job and allow me to stay at home for the same amount or longer if we were both comfortable with it. Honestly I love being a parent and it is a full time job, especially when you add all the house work to it-laundry, dishes, fixing meals, cleaning the house...etc. Does your husband recognize what you do when you are at home? Would he do the things you do if he was at home? Does he appreciate what you do? Do you appreciate what he does? As far as being a stay at home parent, both parents need to agree that it is the best for the family or it will continue to be an issue. Was this a decision you both made together? If he was supportive and is now resentful, then perhaps he needs to get a new job. If he is miserable in his job then they say misery loves company so he may just feel like you should be having to suffer since he is. You need to talk, even if you have to see a counselor. It can be hard but you both need to be happy and come to a decision together. Good luck!

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. My suggestion is have him walk a mile in your shoes. Have him take a friday off from work and then you go away for a long weekend. Leave him a list of absolutely everything that you do, laundry, cleaning, childcare, shopping, everything. Then go away. He will learn just how hard you work and just how much you do, from middle of the night tending your daughter, to making your home run.

Second of all you may want to find some articles that talk about the benefit of having a sahm. That way he can see that the early stimulation you provide will help give your daughter the academic advantage later as well as more confidence and self esteem from knowing her parents love her and are there for her. She is not just sitting in front of a tv at daycare all day.

Does he ever spend full days alone with a baby or toddler? It fixed my husband's attitude about how easy I had it...and I don't stay at home, I'm a nanny for a 1 yr old, 3 yr old and 5 yr old and take my 1 yr old with me to work. It took him spending an 8 hr day alone with our son for him to fully understand how exhausting it is.

Dear T., This is a tough one. First, I'd say be sure to give your husband lots of time and attention, so he knows how much you appreciate being able to stay home. The book "The 5 Love Languages" is really terrific, and may be helpful to you in your relationship. Is your husband feeling pressured about be the sole breadwinner? Have you ever thought about a home-based business, one that you could work around your family's schedule? I have some great, generic information on evaluating a home-based business; just email me if you'd like that. Good luck! N.

I know you got lots of responses to your post already, but just wanted to add mine. Apparently the experience of men resenting the role of being the sole breadwinner is a common one. Anxiety and stress about taking on such a role can cause them to become quite difficult to relate to. If you and he haven't decided on seeking the couple's counseling route, I would strongly advise that the two of you consider it. It's just a forum with an objective third party to air out your thoughts on your current family lifestyle and to prevent things from getting more uncomfortable between the two of you.

I would encourage you to read Fascinating Womanhood by Helen Andelin. It's a very good book. I konw of marriages it has helped.

Oh definitely--I agree with all previous postings that YOU need to get away and leave HIM with the duties and chores. Not as spite, but to let him know YOU need a break (bite your tongue for any "witty" response from him; remember, he is, at that point, clueless). Be sure he has a list as suggested, or else he will only pick and choose what suits him and this will not be as helpful for getting him to fully understand all that you do. Without a list of what he needs to accomplish, you will arrive home to a happy child, likely clean and well-fed, but to find all they did was play all weekend; no laundry, home cooked meals, or other household chores and clean-up! After trying a weekend away, the real test to ensure his FULL knowledge is a full week. If you can only try a weekend here and there BE SURE to include a playdate at your house with your child's friend(s). THAT should about do it! <smile> You will then be more ready for some serious discussions about what points really underlie his resentment...if any are remaining! It is always easy to imagine a greener pasture until you are actually in it... good luck.

Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." It's important that both husband and wife understand each other and make each other's happiness more important than their own. Good Luck!

Well i do feel for you in certain ways. You would think my husband was one step from dead. I am nearly 35 and he's nearly 48. He drives along way to work and is out of the house 14hrs a day. When he gets home he acts like he's about dead. When the weekend comes he complains i don't make him feel like part of the family but he spends all day in bed. He complains no one emails him but he complains when i suggest we go to family's house on the weekends or anything. If my dad asks for help with something he will say he's going to do it but doesn't. What i would do if i was you... (this is what i did) I started leaving things not done. I would list off what i did that day every day when he got home. So he would know exactly what i did. Saying "I did 3 loads of laundry, I cleaned the living room, vacuumed and did dishes.) I didn't have a chance to put away the laundry i didn't have enough time. I had to run here or do this or child was bored i took her to the park. But i would make appoint of doing this often. So he knows your not setting around. But i would make sure something didn't get done, mainly something he would like done. So he notices. Good luck. I know how it is.. mine is the same way.

Two words - marriage counseling. I know it is a time and money commitment that you may not feel you can make, but it is a small price to pay to salvage your marriage and improve your quality of life. I think many marriages could use a tune-up from time to time.

I would think that having one parent stay at home with the kids while the other one works would be something that you would both have to agree on. It sounds like he is not on board with that program. A marriage counselor can help you find common ground and work out a solution.

It sounds like your husband needs a new job. He should start sending his resume out. If his job is *so* stressful that he takes it out on you when he comes home than something needs to change.

It is also really unfair that he is saying you have it so easy. I returned to work 4 days a week and I can easily say that even when things get tough or stressful at work, it was much harder being a sahm.

Good luck and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

Hi!
I don't know if I have any advice that will help, but I also gave up my career to be home with my daughter. She is now 15 months, and I can tell you that going to work is MUCH easier than watching her all day, since now she has started climbing and can reach door knobs so she is into everything. I don't think my husband realizes how much work it is, either, so I am planning sometime soon to go away for an entire day on the weekend so he can see what it's like to spend the day with her alone. I think he will appreciate me a little more then.

The other thing I do since I am home is I do all the laundry and I cook dinner every night. Cooking is really hard because often the baby is very demanding during late afternoon hours, but I get something put together. Then I think he sees some personal benefit to me being home since he gets clean clothes and a homecooked meal out of the deal.

Sounds like part of the problem is that your husband has a stressful job. Maybe if he found other ways to deal with the stress, that would help. Easier said than done, I know.

Good Luck!!

How "easy" you have it at home? HA HA HA HA HA. I'm a stay at home, homeschooling, breastfeeding, soccer coaching mom. I do ten times the work in any given week that my husband does and he knows it. He wouldn't want to switch jobs with me for anything in the world, but he does understand how important it is for our children to be raised at home. They are only home with us for 18 years or thereabouts, it's a fleeting moment of family unity in an ever changing world. Your children need that stability and comfort that being home with you will give them. So here are a few suggestions:

1.) For one week, keep a journal of everything you're doing throughout the day. Include dishes, laundry, sweeping, vacuuming, dusting, scrubbing toilets, and all of the baby care tasks like changing diapers, feeding, changing messy clothes, picking up toys, playing developmental games, dealing with temper tantrums etc... Present this to him at the end of the week so he can actually see on paper all of the work you do. I'll bet he thinks you just sit around watching TV all day.

2.) Get him a copy of Dr. Laura Schlessinger's book, In Praise of Stay at Home Moms, and read it yourself before giving it to him. It ought to open up his eyes. If that doesn't work then have him take over all of your duties for one weekend. By Sunday evening he'll never take you for granted again. You could tell him that you are feeling very taken for granted and under-esteemed as far as your contributions to the household are concerned and you need him to step into your shoes for two days to see what it's really like. And BTW, children are NEVER "just fine" in daycare. Daycare is a contingency plan, not a lifestyle choice. Children NEED their mothers. Period. If your family is surviving financially with you staying at home then day care would be inexcusable.

It sounds like he's just not in the loop. I'm hoping that he's not like my first husband, who refused to even consider that everything may not be exactly like he thought it was. Hopefully, he'd be willing to look through the "evidence" if you present it to him. If he's not willing, then it's time for some counseling.