Seeking Advice on How to Handle a Resentful Husband - Jacksonville,FL

I feel for you. Being a SAHM is really hard work. Not to mention the most thankless job on earth. To have a husband who puts so little value on what you do has to be hard. Maybe you should go on strike for a few days... let him see what happens when you sit around and do nothing.

If I were you, I would get a part-time job a few evenings a week or weekends and let him see how 'easy' you have it. :) I bet he'll be begging you to quit within a week..... Men have no clue... ;)

Hi Heather,

Sounds just like my husband!! He's a police officer and I stay home with our 4 1/2 year old son but I also work from home whenever I get jobs. I do announcements and invitations. He (thinks) he would love to stay at home while I go to work full time so we would have benefits.

All I can say is, try to explain to him that staying at home IS WORK, you just don't get paid for it. Also, tell him that you didn't have kids just to pawn them off at some daycare. Eventually, when your daughter is in school, maybe you can go back to work. But for now, you want to be there for your kids. Make sure you let him know that you work too and need to be appreciated as well.

I would also try to explain to him that we're in a recession and he's very lucky to have a job right now.

Good luck,
L.

I dont have any experience. If anything, I am harder on myself than my husband is. However, if it is possible for you to go back to work and make as much money, I think you should definitely do it., He should stay home and find out how glorious and easy it is to clean a home, only to constantly turn around and see it messed up again, do endless piles of laundry, plan and cook meals three times a day, do the shopping, etc. All while entertaining a 2 year old and having no adult contact 90% of the time while Dora songs are playing in your mind. I definitely think he should have this joy and easy life. If I were you I'd say "Game on, buddy, now its your turn" and start checking the want ads. Also, I think you need to have a serious talk about how you are not responsible for his not being happy with his job and/or life. He made his decisions about career and family and if he doesnt like them, then change them. If he is too stressed, cut back on the luxuries of life and get another job. maybe it wont pay as much, but if you are all happier it will be a better life.

I will say right off that I am not a stay at home mom. I and my husband work full time, we have a 7 year old girl and a 7 month old boy. Every spare minute we have is spent on being with our kids. Here is the thing, and I did see it mentioned here by one of the other members, you MUST nurture your relationship with your husband. He also needs you. You were his wife first before you were a mother. Even the smallest of gestures, or romantic advances will go a very long way. It is definately worth a try and a whole lot cheaper than therapy. Also, as an aside, my daughter went to daycare and my son is in daycare now. Yes, they both got sick from daycare, but guess what, kids are going to get sick from preschool and school too. That's what happens when kids mingle with each other. But that's also a good way to build up their immune system. My daughter was sick on and off the first couple of years of daycare, but now ever since pre-K, she hasn't missed a single day of school. My son is going through the same thing now, and though it is painful, he will get through this too. Of course ultimately the choice is an individual one, but I just thought I would at least throw it out there.
The main thing, is to rekindle that spark in your relationship. A healthy relationship between the two of you will mean a healthier family environment overall.

Good luck to you!!!

You said you quit to stay home. Tell him fine, I will go back to work and you stay home. Then you can tell him you gave him the option, stop complaining. I work full time and I can tell you being a stay at home mom is without a doubt, HARDER! My hubby respects that because when my son was born, he worked at home to stay with him two days a week. He too knows that whoever is working, no matter what the work is, has the easier part of the deal. I'm so sorry that he is feeling this way and teats you like that. But of course, you need to get through it and get your relationship back on track. He will never realize the work required until he has to do it himself. Anyway for you to leave overnight should do it.

This may not be what you are looking for... and Kitty has a great point. But if he is resentful, there is more to it than he doesn't realize what you do. More likely (and I've heard this straight from my own husband's mouth - so it might apply to your situation too) it's a matter of what you are doing (or not) specifically FOR HIM. Do you greet him when he comes in and ask about his day? Or do you acknowledge his return home with a "hey" from the computer or involvement with the kids? Do you stop what you are doing when he gets home and welcome him? Do you help him get his day started (make his coffee, breakfast or fix his lunch to take with him?).

Okay, I'm not suggesting you do EVERYTHING I just mentioned... but do you do ANY of them? When my husband feels like he is last behind the kids, then he gets resentful. Sure they're his kids and you're taking care of them... but you're also still his wife and you need to be nurturing your relationship with him too. If your relationship with him is not healthy, how can you raise healthy kids?? I don't know that you can...

Another thing I have done without realizing (and other friends of mine admit to the same thing) is the second he walks in the door, act as if your relief has arrived...
Be careful about this one. He needs some time to decompress from work, and be "taken care of" by you a little before he will be able to "help" with the house/kids.

If I'm right, and some of these things are happening at your house (or not, depending) then give a few of these ideas a try, and see if his mood doesn't perk up a bit. I can always tell when I have been "neglectful" of my husband by his mood when he has been home for 10 minutes.

Forget all the women's lib if you want a happy home... if you are staying home with the kids, then nurture your husband too. He needs it... we all know that our men are just big kids anyway... :))

I had a particularly unique situation when my children were very young, because I was in both positions at different times. For the first almost 5 years after our son was born, I was a SAHM while my now exhusband was going to school to get his doctorate. I would always attempt to make the house peaceful and orderly when he arrived home from school or his internship, so that he could relax when he walked through the door. There were, however, occasions when he arrived home and the house looked like a tornado had just run through it. I had an unwritten rule that I only tidied twice per day, when both kids had gone down for an afternoon nap, and after I'd put them to bed at night. I was always reminded of the old saying,
"Cleaning up the house while the kids are awake is like shoveling snow in a blizzard." As fast as I cleaned, they always managed to leave a mess in my wake. Unfortunately, he occasionally came home at lunch time, before their nap, at which point he would scowl at me and say, "What have you been DOING all day?" Never mind that I had gone grocery shopping with two kids in two, taken them to the park, or to the doctor, or to their playgroup, or been cleaning up vomit, or any number of kid-related things, and for a period of time was dealing with two kids in CLOTH diapers, which I washed at home because we could not afford disposables.

But how soon I forgot what it was like to be a SAHM when I returned to work and HE stayed at home and cared fro the kids while he completed his dissertation so that he could graduate and we could move forward. I started my own business so that I could work 4 days/week. By that point our son was in kindergarten 5 mornings/week, and our daughter was in preschool 2 mornings per week. Frequently I would return home to our tiny 800 sq. ft. 2 BR rental, and find it in a complete shambles. And guess what the first thing was to escape my lips? Yup. I would look right at him and say, "WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING ALL DAY???" To this day I look back and am astonished by my own complete lack of empathy for his position, because I was considering my own so strongly.

Once he finished school and was working, he never once resented my being able to be home with the kids as much as I was (He worked full time. My business made it possible to make full time wages working part time, and made it possible for me to take 5 weeks off per year so that I could be home with the kids full time during some of their vacation time from school). He'd had his turn, and once he knew how MUCH work it entailed, he was more than happy to have a job that ended at 5:00 p.m. most days, and that had weekends off (which being a SAHM does not).

I suspect that you get yourselves into circular arguments that entail wanting to be heard, while ignoring the impact of your statements on one another. A few sessions with a couple therapist could go a long way in both of you overcoming resentments and learning to effectively get your needs met. Most of our true messages go unsaid and unheard in arguments, because we tend to take statements at face value, make our own interpretations, and then run with them, despite how inaccurate our interpretations may be. I highly recommend Sue Johnson's book "Hold Me Tight" as a tool for learning how to communicate in ways that don't deteriorate into resentment and hostility. Not everyone needs couple counseling, but everyone could benefit from this book, as she has taken her highly effective brand of therapy for couples and created a self-help tool for accomplishing what her therapy does without the extra time and expense of therapy.

Date nights are a great idea, with the stipulation that you are NOT allowed to even mention your daughter while you are out together. But they won't solve the communication issues altogether. Most of us never learned how to manage conflict while we were growing up. This book will help you to do exactly that, while creating a stronger, more secure relationship between you.

Hope this helps!

My husband's point of view dramatically changed after I was out of town for a week. Only 5 days acutally. He had to be 'the mom' and it was a real eye opener. Any extended family event, reunion, wedding or the sort that you could attend alone. He can take some vacation days to care for the kids. When you return, you'll likely have a new husband. Sometimes all the talking in the world won't make a difference but to experience it will.

Just a word about daycare. Our grandson went to daycare at 12 (I think) weeks. I know; what am I doing on this website? I guess I'm just hooked. My daughter-in-law is a professional researcher on all things "mommy". She found THE best daycare in the Boston area and enrolled him. Wellllll despite their and her best efforts he was sick ever other week or every third week for about a week. (No refunds on daycare)So either my son or my daughter-in-law had to take off from work or work from home as they couldn't find a back-up they were comfortable with. Daycare even good daycare isn't the be all to end all. If the finances are ok your husband will just have to suck it up and get over it. After all how important is his child to him? Maybe the resentment and the non-important wife/mother thing is a learned thing from his family. I have traced all my husband's "discussions" with him to the fact that his father never discussed anything with his mother. Everything was an argument. If his company has good insurance you can go to family counceling. If not you might call around and find a service who would be willing to work with you on a payment plan for half a dozen sessions. Surely he knows that almost everyone is just happy to be employed in these times. Resentment is a luxury that most people can't affort. Maybe a weekend away from the kids would help.Good luck. Oh! another thought. What about keeping a journal of what you do each day for a week? Include cute things your 2 1/2 year old says or does. Have her sit on his lap and show it to him. Include pics. of her doing things. Even I remember that my days were non-stop activity with my two sons and that was years ago. My most remembered thought was - geeze if I just had time to go to the bathroom in peace it would make my day!!!

I've been a SAHM, WAHM (with a home biz), work part-time and work full time (as a single mom then) ... I must say there are challenges to each.

In order to help your relationship, i suggest you write down everything you do ... EVERYTHING as a SAHM. Approach it like any out-of-the-home job and make a job description and schedule for every day of your week and what household chores you accomplish on those days. Include everything from laundry to picking up dry cleaning and the time estimates for these jobs (it's okay to overestimate a little bit to allow for changes in the schedule). Also include scheduled play times with your daughter, meal preparation, picking up dry cleaning, and more. As with any job, try to do as much as you can in the time allotted (as I'm sure you do!).

If you're a SAHM, there should, hopefully, be very little you are asking your husband to do on his chore list. When I was a SAHM, I even mowed the lawn & washed cars, but not everyone does that. LOL ... Trust me, that went a LONG way toward showing my value to him ... ALSO, make sure you add on that list/schedule the things your husband does, including his job and the chores he currently he does or you ask him to take care of and block the times off that is needed for him to do those things on the schedule as well. Fair is fair.

Something has to be done whether it's a change in your and/or his approach to your job (being a SAHM) or a shifting of responsibilities ... He may be resentful of all the time you are with the kids while he feels you are "just" staying home. I feel you!!!! I know that being a SAHM was a VERY difficult job many days. There was no break, little emotional support, and no adults to talk to. LOL ... "water cooler" conversations can be therapeutic at times.

SO, after making the current schedule of all the family job responsibilities (yours and hubby's) including the jobs you do as a SAHM, you'll make the same schedules showing how life would change if your family adopted a different choice. Men are generally very pragmatic so maybe make a list of pros & cons for each of these showing facts and numbers, not feelings and fears (Use: financial benefit, preserved family time on weekends/evenings, lower tax brackets, etc. Do not use: missing baby, other people watching, kids getting sick, etc.). ya' know?

The options would be:

1. SAHM/Status quo: This means the schedule you just created stays the same. This is NOT the ostrich approach (put head in sand and forget) because that's rarely useful. It's a truthful evaluation of the work you do as a SAHM. Try to take as much home responsibility from your husband so he can enjoy the benefit of having a wife at home!! Maybe there's something else you can do for him to make him feel taken care of ... Sounds cliche to have a newspaper and dinner waiting like June Cleaver, but you'd be surprised how happy simple things like that can be. If comes home to more work after a 'long day at the office', this may be what causes the resentment.

2. Work part-time: In this case, you'll have to fit the work you currently do into the evenings and weekends. You would still have much of the responsibilities, but some of the work should then be shifted to your husband.

3. Work full-time: divide up all of the household chores and errands and put them on the calendar. He may start to see your value here. As a working single mom now, this is what MY schedule has looked like for 10 years and it's nuts. LOL ...

Maybe after having a calm discussion about this and after reviewing these scenarios your hubby might be more understanding or accepting of you being a SAHM. BUT, if he does NOT, then by all means consider going back to work. His feelings are just as valuable as yours and if he is resenting you staying home, then it's time for a re-evaluation of this situation. You didn't say how long you stayed home when you had your son. if you were home for a year and a half and then went back to work, he may be wondering why you are reluctant to do the same with your second kid.

Sorry this is so long-winded, but I hope that you are able to resolve this issue in an amicable and loving way so your relationship with your hubby can grow!!!

Either way, women have it tough. You do you die, you don't you die. Let's just assume that he is jealous of having to be stressed at work, and wishes he could stay home like you, but not really implying you are not working as hard. I am sure your husband knows why you both made the arrangement where you stay at home and he works. If he forgot, you can easily remind him how much daycare costs, how valuable it is to bethe one molding your child's life and how much money you are saving long term. I would not get in an argument with him when he is stressed, cause you know that's his trigger, try encouraging him instead...route him on because it is tough either way. If you both worked, then the complaint would be that neither of you are spending enough time with your child.

Hi Heather...I usually don't take the time to read "all" the reviews but in your case, I did. Reason: been there, done that. I'm older than snuff, as we use to say, but noticed that very few of the comments enlisted one thing. Remember, when you two first got together & the romance that you experienced? Bring it back, girl! I had the very same problem many moons ago & finally decided to soothe his ego (& they ALL have it!) by starting a surprise "date night". I'd make arrangements for the kids to be gone somewhere, cook a really nice dinner, do the candles, small centerpiece (they rarely notice these things but it helps to establish the mood), turn the lights down low, & become the best seductress you can pull off. Wear something somewhat sexy if you can & make this a special night for both of you,....not just him. You'll establish a new respect for each other & instead of being grumpy, you'll see a wide smile on your hubby's face. Sometimes women's lib has to take a back seat to just plain being a good wife. Not saying you're not but put his whining on a back burner & try to remember why you're together in the first place. Sometimes we all tend to forget that. Love on your man, woman!

I have one question. How often is he left alone to take care of his kids?

Take a moms weekend away with a girlfriend. You know you deserve it...let him see what it is like to get up, take care of, find things to do, feed, bathe, and put to bed the kids....This can sometimes wake them up to just how hard our day is. Remember to tell him how too much TV is bad, and no junk food...how the kids need to be kept busy, and need fresh air...along with healthy meals and kept clean....

I know my hubby tells me all the time how he doesn't want my job...and he has a very stressful one himself...

I always wonder why I was less stressed when I was s single mom with 3 jobs....It's because I did get a break!

To be honest, taking a week away to visit YOUR family or friends, while he takes vacation time from work to take care of his children sounds more in order...but then again, that is my opinion.

therapy.
just remember staying at home is much different then working. i have done both. they both have their perks and they both have their stresses.

Just because he's stressed out, he shouldn't take it out on you. On a weekend you should go out for the day and run errands and let him sit home with the kiddies, then he'll see being a SAHM is the hardest job in the world. Personally, I'd rather work than to stay home all day with my daughter, because working outside the home is not as hard.

Have you ever thought of putting your daughter in a preschool? Believe me, she will love being with other children her age. To make your husband happy, maybe you can find a job and put your daughter in preschool -- not daycare. You will be killing three birds with one stone ---your daughter will be learning a lot of new things, your husband will get off your back, and you get to work and make an income.

Heather

My husband is a mason and has been laid off, I work. He feels guilty staying at home. I wish I could afford to keep him home. He does all the laundry, cooking, cleaning,yard work. Every thing at home we use to share doing. He has a new respect for home work!!!! And all of our children are grown and gone, so if you added a kid or 2 I know he would be stressed. I guess they never undersand until they walk in our shoes. My hubby would love to work and have me stay home so he could get some rest!!! Home Work is never done.

Good Luck!!!

PS True Love always wins, hang in there

C.

Since you are a stay at home mom and you are well aware that your husband is feeling some resentment. Maybe you could get most of your chores done before he comes home so you and your family can focus on him. Usually when one has young children at home the house tends to be a bit chaotic. If his job is as stressful as you say he may need some quiet time with just you or time alone to release some of the stress. Making him feel important is very important.

Good Luck,

A.

I'm right there with Amie G. :-) I think my husband is a little jealous that I stay home with the girls; however, whenever he is home for a long weekend, he's chomping at the bit to get back to work! I would definitely *let* him have a little alone time with your children, even a long weekend, while you do your own thing. (If you want to be mean, when you get home ask him, "What did you DO this weekend???") :-D

I get that all the time from my husband, "I wish I could stay home, and you had to go to work", "must be nice that you can sit home all day and eat bon-bons and watch Oprah". ( He thinks he is being funny, but it totally rubs me the wrong way!) It used to bother me, but now I realize it is his problem, not mine. Our son is now 6 and we agreed before he was born that if we could afford it, I would stay home with him. I do have a part-time job, a good one that is flexible and pays well. But that is not enough for my husband. I realize now I could work full time and bring in more money, but it still would not be enough for him. So, I've given up feeling guilty for being home w/ my son and enjoy the time we spend together. He is a smart, funny, articulate and loving little one and my husband does give me credit for raising him that way. My husband is not happy in his job,so that is where all of this comes from. In fact, he changes jobs every two years or so, looking for something he is not going to find. I understand the pressure he is under to provide, so I told him I would go to work full time and put our son in after school care, and started looking for a job. He put the brakes on that one and said he didn't want us to have to do that. I think it just made him feel better that I offered, showed that I was willing to go back to work full time if it took the pressure off of him. So, you may want to try that and see what happens. Just know you are not alone, and it is probably a struggle within him and you should not feel guilty for providing the best care for your children.

My husband wasn't resentful, he just didn't realize how much work I actually do. But maybe you could convince him to let you have a day to spend with "the Girls" and then gently point out that taking care of children, the house and the other things that you do ARE real work. He is WRONG to assume that your 2+ year old would do fine in daycare, at that age, the ratio of caregivers to children is about 1:8. Even the best of daycares absolutely cannot give your children the individual attention they will get at home, or prevent all bites, accidents and bullying. Besides all that, the take-home pay after taxes, clothing and transportation needs and daycare costs will not be that great, and it may cause you to resent him pushing you back into the work force. Having said all that, would you consider working from home? It might be a viable option for you, and would save you quite a bit of the extra expenses listed above. It would also be wise to talk this out with him on a date night type of event, get a babysitter, talk it out, then spend some time doing something with him that he likes. (we both know what I mean, so I won't spell it out.) I agree with the other posters below who say that if you go back to work, then the household chores ought to be divided between you, especially if you are going back full time. This will also serve to show him how much you actually do.

I didn't read the other responses, but would like to comment. My husband wasn't resentful, but after maternity leave was over I had to go back to finish the school year for about three weeks. After the three weeks, he couldn't have been more appreciative of what SAHM's really do. Maybe you could go away by yourself for a long weekend and have him watch the children. Remind him nicely that being "mommy" is your new career! :)

Hi Heather,
It sounds like your husband is very stressed out more than resentful at you. My guess is that he is jealous of you because you get to stay at home with the kids while he is working. He probably wishes he could spend more quality time with them. The fact that his job is stressful, and that he comes home grumpy, probably makes it difficult for him to relax when he is at home. Does he have any vacation coming up? If not, how about an extra day off where he can get some pampering or a day out playing golf - something relaxing. I'm not sure how many hours/week he works, but hopefully he gets a few hours/night to relax. I would suggest doing something special for him one night after he gets off work. Another idea is to talk to him about your feelings. I know you said you can't, but this is obviously really bothering you. You mentioned that he thinks you are not appreciative. You may want to think about things you've said to make him think this. For ex, have you complained about anything lately? It sounds to me like you like being a SAHM. If so, he's probably thinking that what you're going through is nothing compared to the stress he is under at work. It also sounds like there is a financial component to his stress.

I don't know if this helped. Email me personally through Mamasource to give me feedback either way, if you want.

J. G

Does he like what he does? Is he just stressed about the sole financial obligation? I just ask these questions b/c many of us "deal" with situations that we aren't loving but we made a decision to have families and providing for them is impt.

Being a SAHM isn't an easy job. Especially with a toddler.

I am really sorry that you are dealing with this. It seems like your hubby may need to go on some sort of "retreat" just to regroup.

Regards,
A.

Is there any way he could be given total care of the children for a day so he can see how much "fun" you have every day. We love our kids but it's a tough job!!!
He sounds like he is a spoiled brat momma's boy.

God Bless and Good Luck

I think you got great advice so far! Really. Please look over Victoria, Amy, Cathy S., and Brittany's advice. I think they all have hit the nail on the head for this one.

It's important for your to appreciate him - however, it's just as important for you to be appreciated.

Try the different ideas/advice below and you should see a different outcome. I think the ladies above did a great job in explaining what type of motives there are and how to overcome this.

And everyone is right: SAHM's job is the hardest by far! Please look at this article. Maybe even show your husband.

http://www.salary.com/aboutus/layoutscripts/abtl_default....

Good luck and God bless!

Every now and then my husband says to me, "You should go out and get a job and see how it is." Ha, as if I'm not working at home! I've been a stay at home mom since the month before my first child was born. She turned 9 in February and we have 3 children together. I take my 2 daughters to school every day and I pick them up and I'm at home with the baby who is almost 3. Grocery shopping, balancing the check book, scheduling doctor's appointments; sorting, washing, drying, folding, and putting away the laundry every other day; running errands, making dinner, cleaning the house. My "work" is endless and when my husband comes home from his day of work, I'm still going, often long after everyone has gone to bed. I don't know why men think it's so easy to be at home all day with children. It's summer vacation now and I am trying to find things for them to do to keep them busy/entertained. I listen to arguing, complaining, fighting, bickering, tattle-telling all day long and at the end of the day, I'm the one feeling unappreciated. It's frustrating. I'm not sure I'm able to offer advice, but it sure is nice to know that I'm not the only woman out there with a husband feeling like he's got the raw end of the deal sometimes.