Wanting to Help My Husband (Step- Father) and My Son Respect Each Other!!

For starters, are your sons in any group or therapy for kids dealing with the loss of a parent due to incarceration? It may help. And it may also help the resentment between your husband and your son.

Other things to consider: If your DH is the sherrif, make him the deputy to your sons. He'll back you up, but you need to be the heavy when it comes to things. If your husband is always the one noticing that the dishes weren't done or the lawn wasn't mowed and HE has to bring it up, then it builds resentment and it gets old. Make sure you're not letting your son skate on chores and making your husband deal with it all the time.

And you might also want to consider family therapy. It sounds like the older girls aren't respectful, either, so the family isn't harmonious at all. They are adults, but you still have kids in your home and maybe a therapist can help you figure out how to handle it all.

When my stepson was about 12, he started to be more aggressive and by the time he was 13, his dad was looking for an outlet for him. The choice for SS was football. Is there anything like that available for your son? Something he can do to get rid of the aggression in a more healthy way?

There have been times off and on where my DH feels like I'm just harping about the kids, but I feel really helpless about it. Things I can't change, like him and their mother changing the schedule or him not making them mow the lawn or whatever. The frustration and resentment builds. Not saying a fight is always healthy, but what is he trying to say? What's eating him, bottom line? It can be hard on all parties to be in a stepfamily.

If you don't have the funds for therapy through a private practice, what about Catholic Charities or contacting the boys' schools to see if they can help direct you to resources?

Remarriages are rough and something that seems to rarely work out. Like my negative attitude? hehe. I can relate so much to your son because I was in his shoes once. So, I'll tell you my feelings based on my experience - take what you want, leave what you want;-)

Your husband is your husband, he is not your sons dad. He should not be placed in a position of being the father of your son because he is not. When this happens, it causes many unhappy feelings in the relationship.

In my opinion, step-parents should not be the disciplinarians. The parent should be. Of course, there are times it would be proper to have the step-parent discipline, but for the most part, the actual parent needs to do the parenting. The step-parent needs to stay out of the parental role. It doesn't mean they can't be in the adult role...just not in the role of deciding rules and discipline and enforcing them.

Your husband DEFINITELY needs to get his attitude together. Oh...he reminds me so much of how my step-dad was. DROVE ME INSANE. Sometimes I wanted to talk just to my mom, but he'd get all snotty and refuse to leave so I never had time with her. It's her fault too - she put her marriage above her relationship with her children. He would discipline us and was incredibly rude and unkind. He did most of that behind my mom's back. Then what my mom usually saw was him acting like a victim and like we were mistreating him, when in reality, we were reacting to the fact that he just came downstairs and started yelling and screaming at us with almost no reason (certainly no reason strong enough for that type of reaction). But my mom didn't see that part. She just saw us furious and reacting to his behavior...without fully realizing what we were reacting to. Did I respect my step-dad. No. Why? Because there wasn't anything to respect. He didn't respect us. He mistreated us and was emotionally abusive to us. When they first got married, I was respectful. I was distant, but I was respect and kind to him. I assumed I would like him, but that's not how it ended up. He was such a defective person.

I believe your son is in a similar situation. You only see some of it. I bet your son has very valid reasons for feeling as upset as he is. Your husband is not his father and should not be the disciplinarian. I think it's great for kids to show respect, but he's 14...and he's been through A LOT and he's STILL going through a lot...and it sounds like your husband hasn't done much that deserve respect.

So, my advice about the respect is to not get too focused on whether or not your son is respecting your husband. Find out WHY he's not respecting him and fix the problem.

I honestly wish my mom would have divorced my step-dad...or better yet...I wish she would have never married him. Remarriage confuses the priorities and I don't know many kids who make it through that without being severely wounded. I've thought long and hard about this, and if my hubby were to die or we were to get divorced, I'm not getting remarried. Sure, I'd love to have someone to love...but I know from being a child on the other end of it, that it can be incredibly brutal. I refuse to put my children through that. When they are older and out of the house, then I'd consider getting married again.

I'm not saying all remarriages are bad. But such a high percentage are and then they dont' even work out and it's not worth it in my opinion to put the children through that.

If you are considering leaving your husband, look at it long and hard. You ARE married now, and if there is a way to save it AND make sure your son is being taken care of properly (I wasn't as a teen), then you should go for it. It sounds like your family definitely needs counseling. The way you describe your hubby sounds similar to my step-dad, and it was way more damaging to our family than it was ever helpful. After being married to my mom for 12 years, they are getting divorced because he found a girl 40 years younger than him (he's 58). It's made me really irked for many reasons, but especially thinking of what I went through as a teen and how POINTLESS it was since their marriage fell apart!

Your priority is to your son. You had him first. He can't help what is going on with his father or his step-father. But he needs you to stand up for him and do what is right for HIM. Whatever that may be. It doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship at all. And if it doesn't improve, I think you have every reason, right, and responsibility to remove your children from being in such an abusive situation...because it sounds pretty emotionally abusive...even with how your hubby treats you.

Okay, sorry for the novel. I wish you the best. I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. You sound like a very loving, caring, and compassionate mother trying to do the best you can do. Don't give up...just change your situation if you must. (((hugs)))

Well you had advice about going into therapy and if you cannot do that or do not have the money, then I think you should think about some other things. First of all, why is your husband a stay at home dad if your children are eleven and fourteen? Perhaps it is time he gets a job and leaves you with your children and he grows up a little bit. I don't think you should tell him that, but maybe you can mention that he would be useful making some money and feel like he is contributing financially. And it would elevate him in the man department which is seems like is a continuing factor in some of these fights. The tough part about being a mom of a teenager is that we have to stop and kind of be flexible all the time because they will test us every minute. He needs firm rules, not fights.
Next fourteen year old boys, well, they are tough anyway, stepdad or not they are starting to get the attitude a lot of times. Just part of growing up and perhaps since your husband had daughters he doesn't realize this.
Do not feel as though you need to go to the hospital. You are a vital and wonderful person and remind yourself of that. You are supporting a family if I read this correctly.
I have two sons, they are grown up and becoming more comfortable in their own shoes and that is what your son is trying to do. Your husband in the meantime is probably not feeling too good about himself. You both fell in love for a reason and you felt you could unite as a couple. Remind yourselves of that. You are not always going to have the children around you. And so you can try to enjoy eachother. Won't be easy but continue to see some good things about your spouse. And upfront, tell your son to knock it off. Sometimes that really works.

Dear K., First of all... There is hope. There are no quick fixes, it will take a lot of time and commitment from both of you. I understand where you are coming from completely. I am a step mom and have been for more than 9 years. I am the stay home parent that obviously has to deal with all the issues in the household 90% of the time. Raising a blended family is not a job for the meek or weak hearted. It takes a lot of patience, praying for help from God every day, AND mutual cooperation and support between the 2 spouses. Kids will be kids and if they see a chance to manipulate a situation to get their way, they are going to run the ball with it. You and your husband are giving them cart blanche to do this. On top of that you are dealing with kids that are teenagers and probably feel hurt because their bio dad screwed up and now can't see him or grow up with him being their dad in any significant capacity. We are happily married and all our kids are doing well and we all get along great. It wasn't easy, but we did it! Our kids are 22, 21, 20, 17, 16, 14, 7 and 5. My husband had two kids and I had 4 from prior marriages. We had 2 together. They are all OUR kids. Here are some pointers to help you out:

1. Kids are NOT in charge and they don't know best. They do need to contribute and help out. Their job is to do well in school and be good people. You need to have alone conversations with your kids about life, priorities, their future, etc. Let them know that you care and listen to their concerns an that they will have to trust you in making the best decisions for them, even if they don't like it sometimes.

2. Bond with your kids. Make time for just fun stuff with them even if it is going to get some ice cream or going shopping for clothes or shoes, etc. Your husband needs to do nice things for them too, without judgement or lesson covering, just relaxed fun. You need to do fun things together as a family like going to the park for a picnic, throwing a football, go to Six Flags, take family vacations together, etc.

3. Make time for yourself. If you are stressed, depressed, at wits end, you are not going to be the best person, or parent, or spouse. Exercise and feed your soul. I don't know where you live or what religious preference you have, but going to church on Sunday with my husband and kids feeds my soul an gives us time to bond and feel good and recharge for the rest of the week. We go to Lamb of God and the messages are very filling and applicable to our daily lifes, not something esoteric that leaves you wondering what to do next. This applies to your husband too. He probably needs this even more because he is at home with the kids.

4. Make time for your relationship with your husband. If your relationship is bad, you are both going to be unhappy and inpatient and unloving. This is terrible for you two and it will roll on down to the kids or anyone else around you. If the kids see you at opposite ends they will try to polarize you even more. You need to make time to be loving and kind with each other. Have date nights and time alone to just remember why you fell in love with each other without the kids' dynamic involved. Go on weekend long vacations a few times a year of just the two of you. Your relationship needs to be strong and be the sanctuary that helps you get through the tough times with the kids.

5. Your husband and you need to be on the same page. You and him need to talk privately and plan on how you are going to stop this vicious cycle and slowly turn it around. You cannot contradict or attack each other in front of the kids. Right now there is so much resentment between you two that is coming out all over the place. You HAVE to set this resentment aside between you two. He is going to have to back off some of the kids. He needs to start picking which issues he is going to address and which to overlook. If you are home, you need to handle the issues. If your kids are being disrespectful, you need to let them know respectfully, without yelling or losing your cool, same with your husband. Like you said, you are the adults and you both need to do better (especially your husband) and treat everyone with respect and never a bad tone. I know from experience this can be very hard especially if your teenager is as terrible as our oldest chid was! :-) She would constantly push me to get into an argument or a fight and I would just listen and tell her I loved her and that she was going to have to talk to her dad if she wanted to discuss and issue further. If I forgot to pray in themoring, I would loose my cool after the 20th or 30th time in the day. So I had to pray and stay focused all day on keeping my cool and being very loving and patient. I felt like I was walking on egg shells all the time. Sometimes I messed up and my husband would call me aside. Sometimes he would see my kid be horrible to me and he would stop her and then later in the day he would talk to her. When they are having deeper conversations to this day, I just sit and smile or nod and let them have their conversations. Your kids need to feel that your relationship with them is still intact. They don't control you but they have you.

6. For you and your husband, every day is a new day. No resentments allowed. As a step parent you have to be perfect, any little thing you do or say can be used against you. So every day your husband needs to be fully committed to you and being perfect with the kids. The two of you can commiserate together after the kids go to bed, but not in front of them. Protect each other and your relationship. The happier you two are, the happier everything else will be.

7. Have a talk with your kids as an "intervention." Once you and your husband have worked your issues out and are in the same page, meet with your kids and tell them how much you love them and how you are going to do things differently in your household so it can be a happier better place for all of you. Let them know that they are the love of your life and you want them to be all that they can be. This means having good relationships, respecting each other, and working things out instead of blowing up, getting resentful, shoving feelings deep down and then exploding etc. Have your husband be there but silently supporting you. Make time every night for 10-15 min and talk to your kids alone, pray together, ask them about their day, etc. Reinforce all these themes while you have alone time with your kids.

8. Talk about forgiveness. Holding on to grudges hurts the person holding them the most. It lets hatred live inside you and hatred kills love. If your husband loses his cool or makes a mistake, he needs to apologize, and so do you and the kids. He needs to be the big man and make the most improvement as he doesn;t get any free passes. He is the non bio parent, even though he may be the person that does the most for them every day. Your husband especially, needs to let little things go by. Constantly nagging or correcting will build resentment.

9. Stay consistent and always loving. Establish ground rules for chores, homework, etc. Lay out clear guidelines and consequences for non performance. Do what you say you are going to do.

10. If you and your husband cannot talk about all this together, you may need to do it with the help of a counselor. But try to do it first just between the two of you, there are too many unqualified counselors out there. If you must use one, find one that is Christian based and happily married! :-)

11. Talk to your kids alone about their bio dad and facilitate communication with him if that is possible.

12. Best wishes and God Bless!

I agree with Sheila. There is a lot going on here (with their dad incarcerated, and for a long time). I am no expert on the ins and outs of having an incarcerated parent, but I am sure the emotions those boys are feeling run that gamut (anger, embarrassment, defensive of dad, hurt, confused, etc). They could certainly use some counseling to help them through all they must be feeling inside. Those feelings have to come out somewhere sometime somehow. And preteen and early teen years are notoriously tumultous and full of bad attitude in even well adjusted kids with "normal" home lives.
Here is where I think Sheila really hit on something though... why is your "new" husband a stay at home dad? Your 14 yr old is certainly old enough to handle after school time until you get home. And your 11 probably is too, with the 14 yr old there. If anyone should be a stay at home parent, it probably should be you. They are YOUR boys. If I had to take a wild and crazy guess, I'd guess that your boys resent the h*ll out of your husband. He bosses them around (their view of it probably), and doesn't contribute to the household (again, in their view), and has taken their dad's place (which as previously mentioned, they are going to have totally confused feelings over why he isn't in their lives every day).
I would probably resent being in their situation, too. I bet when you come home from work, they probably start in on you wanting attention (your boys) and "telling on" your husband and what he did/said/made them do, etc etc etc. That is exactly how they are seeing it I'm sure: telling on him. And what changes? Nothing. So now they are going to be angry with you too. And have even more attitude. Downward spiral... And of course, hubby is none too happy with their attitude either. And wants time with you too. And both sides want you to defend them against the other. That is what is going on. (It can even happen in an intact biological family...).
Good luck dear.

I am so sorry you are dealing with so much. I hope my opinion doesn't cause you more stress. Your kids were too old when you remarried to have formed a bond of unconditional love and trust with him. This happens in the first few years of life. Now that they are getting older and going through the troublesome years it is becoming a big problem. Some kids have tougher emotional issues to work through at that age, and can be very angry and unreasonable. Your husband doesn't love them unconditionally either. So, if they are going to be hard to deal with on top, well hence your situation.
He isn't their dad and never will be. If you separate from him, they will likely never see him again. You will have better luck becoming the primary rule maker and enforcer. Pretty tough when it sounds like you'd be taking his job away from him. He will probably resent his loss of power and be even more critical of you. He should be helping the kids learn to be young men, not acting like a third angry child in the group. This sounds similar to my houshold during my mothers 3rd marriage, so I speak from experience. You can try counseling, and I hope you can make it work. Just remember that your sons need you, and they will always be with you.

I agree with the need for a family therapist or counselor - someone who is impartial, will listen to both sides of the story, and does not feel caught in the middle, and will give you guys the tools you need to communicate with each other more positively. Could also be helpful in regards to your husband's daughters and your relationship with them. Your son has a lot going on - puberty, a stepfather that appears to resent and disapprove of him, a father that is not in the picture. It's not fair of them to expect you to choose sides and setting up some sessions with a family therapist might help them both to see the role that each one plays in this dysfunction, and take some of the heat off of you. I really hope you will take this step to get the help you need - and if hubby won't go with you, then just you and your son can go and still benefit.

My brother and stepfather's relationship sounds a lot like what yours is when my brother was that age. It's a hard situation to be in, and go through. My brother was very stubborn, and never listened to my stepdad. He also was going through a lot at that age, and had no one to talk to beside myself. I would suggest family counseling. Being a teenager is hard enough, but having a stepparent who is parenting , is harder. Children of divorce have a much more difficult time controlling their thoughts, feelings, and relations. It can be good for awhile, even years, and then it all of a sudden changes, and takes a turn for the worse. In my brother's case, he decided to live with his biological father. It was the best decision he could have made. He also went to a counselor specializing in adolescent behavior/divorced families. It made all the difference in the world. Now, at age 30, my brother and stepfather are very close.

I think every family goes through some of what you've described. We raised 2 non-bio grands, and I found myself in the middle more times than I can count. Your husband needs to feel you respect his opinion, and rely on him. I know that's hard because he may not be right about things, but if that is lacking, he'll be angry and feel shut out. Your children need to learn that even if they don't agree, they are to "honor their father (be it step or otherwise) and mother. Kids today aren't learning that. Don't have even a clue how to "honor" parents.
If you can't afford to pay a counselor, perhaps you can network with friends and find a good church that has family counseling or family programs that will offer group seminars. Knowledge is power. If your husband won't go, you need to go anyway! Don't give up the ship yet. Prayer also makes a huge difference. I'll be praying for you, K..

You need a therapist! I can't even make heads or tails of what is going on and I am usually good at this. I mean most likely your son is testing your husband. Ya know, the I will push you to the limit to show that you are going to be there for me no matter what. Telling him you love him and will be there for him doesn't work. Teens want trial by fire. Crazy aren't they?

My own kids did it to my ex and I and we were still married. It is just as a step you have that insecurity and uneasiness because they aren't bio. So then you get reacting off reactions.

Like I said, therapy!

Oh if it makes you feel better he isn't trying to tear your relationship apart, he is trying to prove it can't be torn apart.

You can't force respect, but you can demand politeness.

WOW! I could seriously have written that myself. I feel for you & have tears in my eyes as I read what you wrote & now as I'm typing. It is a tough place to be in. I have always felt stuck in the middle because as you say if they're mad at each they don't speak to one another & hubby uses you as a go between. My son was 2 1/2 yrs old when I met my hubby/my sons step dad. We've been together for 17 yrs only married for 9 of those yrs. Sadly my son & his stepdad's relationship began to suffer once he hit middle school my son never felt like he was heard or like no one listened to how he felt or what he had to say the only time my hubby talked to him was to tell him what to do or get on to him about something & it could be any number of things & nothing major. My son is a very good kid never been in trouble for anything good grade involved w/school. I don't know I was also ready to leave my hubby over this & our marriage relationship has suffered because of all the tension & fighting. I've also had to remind my hubby he's an adult no a teenager. My hubby & son got into a physical altercation a couple years ago & I did have to call the police; it was not my son's fault & for that particular situation I know my hubby was wrong & should not have put his hands on my son I wasn't able to handle the situation myself because at the time I was holding my 12 month old son & my 4 yr old daughter was trying to get in the middle to stop her daddy from hitting her big brother it was a very sad situation that didn't have to happen but did. My hubby apologized to my son about a month later telling my son he was wrong but the damage was done. I've pleaded w/my hubby about things needing to change not being so harsh....My son is now 18 yrs old graduated from high school in June & moved out a week later to Texas to work & go to college. They do talk on occasion but still have a strained relationship. My son doesn't have a relationship w/his dad because he can't seem to tell my son the truth about anything. I'm sorry I really don't have anything to offer; you're not alone even though it feels like it. My hubby & I are actually going through counseling right now. Maybe you could all try some family counseling. I wish we would have. Big hugs to you!

First of all I think you need to get some family counseling. But I also think your hubby needs to grow up alot. He is supposed to be the adult here andhe's playing the kids game of blaming everything on you. Don't let that fly.

Next I would recommend a father/son camping trip they need to go somewhere where they will only have each other to depend on for a few days. The also will only have each other to talk to for a few days. Hopefully they will find some common ground.

Well actually, they do have common ground they both love you--they need to build a relationship on that.