Wanting another...but He Does Not!!!

I understand exactly how you feel. I was still in the hospital after delivering my twins, and my husband said he was done having children. I was devastated and knew I wanted another. But, when it all comes down to it, I had to respect his wishes. We talked and talked, and he did eventually decide that we could have another child (I'm 16 weeks along), but it is a partnership. We had to make the decision together, and if he didn't want anymore children, I would have to deal. A child is a big addition, not like changing the paint in a room. You both need to be on board. But, that doesn't mean it's not difficult to accept. I hope you'll be able to come to terms with this. It's not easy!

It's really hard when your clock starts ticking and your desire to have another is so strong. Let me play Negative Nancy for you:

1) you're going to be nearly 60 by the time the third one is grown

2) in ten years your kids will be teenagers

3) in 15 years they will be driving and you will be 51.....a card carrying AARP member

4) in 15 years you and hubby can do LOTS of things without the kids

5) in 15 years they aren't going to want to hang out with you anyway

6) hubby will be 55 in 15 years - health issues may start popping up, for both of you

7) perhaps a small dog will give you something to lavish more love on

8) don't rock this boat, a house divided does not stand

Thank Mother Nature for designing women with a yen for babies. It's built into our systems, from hormones to body to brain. It's historically necessary for the survival of the species, considering the demands of pregnancy and childbirth, the sacrifices required by an infant, and all the disease, famine, war, and other catastrophes humanity is subject to.

But unlike other creatures, humans have the ability to override natural impulses by using reason to make other choices. Just as we are able to override the natural limitations that keep other creatures under control. Human population is expanding at an staggering rate. Now that we are such a successful species that we are polluting the planet, crowding out other creatures, and even threatening the climate that all life has adapted to, it's time to value our ability to make rational choices. That shift in focus can make an enormous difference in how we feel. We can even end up feeling great about making the best possible choice for the good of all, which includes the babies we've already brought into the world.

It is possible to stop suffering over this, if your focus in on cultivating peace and happiness and investing yourself fully in the blessings you already have (I say this as a woman who adores infants, but stopped with one child of my own). Since your husband isn't subject to the hormonal longings you are feeling (and part of that is that you have given birth), he's already in rational mode. These are difficult times for the breadwinners and guardians of the family's well-being – the fathers. So you apparently have other good reasons not to have a child – like the long-term success of your family unit.

You might put your love of children to good use by getting a job working with children or babies. Even volunteer work. There are babies born with drug habits whose little lives you could improve by being available to hold and rock them, for example. There are children who need after-school care, or tutoring in reading. There are young mothers who would love to have an experienced, loving mom to help them with difficult babies.

I wish you the best. The feelings you have are somewhat like physical hunger. Just because we feel hungry doesn't mean we can eat everything we crave. What we want may be unavailable, it may be unhealthy, it may simply be too much. Think about how you calm your physical appetites to assuage suffering, and translate that approach to the baby hungries.

Would you yield to your husband's strong desire for a Corvette and a bass boat? In marriage, the "no" answer always wins - when you love them. It's up to you to get through this.

I saw an episode of Dr. Phil once on this topic- usually lately I think Dr. Phil is kind of a quack (and a sell-out) but that's a topic for another day- haha! What he said on this topic actually made sense. My husband and I are in the same boat, only reversed. He really wants another child, and I do not. (We have two girls)

Dr. Phil suggested that you really ask yourself how badly you want/need the thing that you are disagreeing on- and compare your answers. So, on a scale of 1-10, if your desire for a child is a 10 (meaning you would be devastated if you didn't get another child), and his level of commitment AGAINST having another child is, say, a 5, then there's room for compromise. If you are both a 10, one of you is going to have to lose.

The benefit of the exercise is so that you are putting a concrete value on your opinions on the situation so that you have a tangible place to start.

Other than that- it is my opinion that if you feel so strongly about having a child, he should make it happen for you. It's not fair that you have to feel such a loss.

In my situation, I have already conceded. I think that it is not fair for me to not give my husband another child because I don't necessarily want one. He would be losing something- but what am I giving up? Some freedom for a few years for a child that would steal my heart anyway? Sounds like a decent trade-off.

When one parent is against having more kids it's best not to have more. You will get shouldered with all of the responsibility of it since he has already washed his hands of it, then there will be the "i told you so's" to deal with when things get rough.
My advice is to listen to hubby's wishes on this and your desire for another will pass. It's most likely due to hormones as you will be entering the perimenopause state soon. Your body is just letting you know if you want more it's time to hurry up and do it...... this feeling comes from OLD instincts to populate the world. Since the world is plenty populated and you already have two kids you just need to ignore the "feeling".

Look at the two healthy children you have, and I assume -a happy husband right now. Do you like your healthy, happy family or do you want to cause a lot of resentment and upheaval simply to calm a "desire" you have? Desires -including those for more children -DO pass. You are also at an interesting point in your youngest child's development. MANY MANY MANY women (including myself) feel or felt an overwhelming desire to have another child when the youngest was between 15 or 18 months and 2 years. It's simple biology so that we keep propagating the species. However, at this point, we don't have to do that! Our basic body biology hasn't completely caught up to our modern society.

What if your husband had an overwhelming desire to sleep with your next door neighbor? I'm sure you would be completely against it, and understandably so. You would probably ask yourself why he had to "give in to his desires"? Quite honestly -one night of adultery doesn't have the lasting effects and lifelong commitment tied to it that bringing a child into the world does! I'm not advocating cheating, but in the scheme of things there's not a more serious and life-long commitment than bringing a child into the world-regardless of whether or not you've done it before. As ugly and bad as adultery is -unless a pregnancy stems from that -it pales in comparison, but if your husband cheated because of HIS overwhelming desire to do so, you would feel horribly betrayed, wouldn't you?

Whatever you do -if your husband doesn't want any more children -don't have any more children. That's a violation of the commitment you have to one another. You're not talking about getting a dog or painting the house orange. I also don't know your situation, but is he the sole breadwinner? That's a HUGE responsibility this day and age. Your biology will eventually get past this -it usually happens when the youngest strongly hits the terrible 2s or 3s and is racing everywhere insanely while you're also trying to keep a handle on your 4 year old. Be happy with what you have! It's so much more than many ever get!

Write out a list of pros and cons for adding another addition to the family and have your husband do the same thing. Switch lists and then you will both understand how you each feel. Talk about it further and see if you can come to a conclusion that satisfies both of you.
He may have reasons other than money that is stopping him from wanting another baby. You do realize you might need a bigger car, another car seat, a bigger house, etc. How much time do you have him spend with taking care of the children? Maybe he just isn't into tackling another baby.
I wouldnt want a new puppy either, they are a pain.
Once he gives you all of his reasons for not wanting another maybe it will help you to understand and if you love him you will realize he might just be right OR after reading your list he might decide you are right and give it another shot. Either way, you need to come up with a solution and an answer so you dont feel bad and neither does he. COMMUNICATE and conquer and get it behind you.

You're going to have to give in on this one. The person who strongly feels against something usually should be the winner. Otherwise, you're risking lots of resentment, and when it comes to kids, of course you don't want him to be "checked out" of raising that child.

Sorry, but you'll have to find another way to fill that void.

no one is suggesting it's easy. but if you cannot persuade, logic, coerce or guilt your husband (and the only i would suggest is the first) then you need to consciously re-focus yourself on your wonderful family and love it for what it actually is, not squander precious time angsting over a dream.
an absolute no always trumps a wistful wish. it's not fair for anyone, man or woman, to be forced to have a child they aren't absolutely over the moon for.
khairete
S.

Is his only reason financial? B/c that is a pretty weak defense unless you are fairly destitute (in my opinion), small sacrifices can be made to accommodate a third child. I really don't think there is anything you can do to fight your desire.

If it is a definite 'no' answer, than just try and be as fulfilled as possible. Just try not to replace that desire with resentment towards your husband, which can be common in marriages where one partner 'forbids' additional children. Perhaps your husband will be more compromising if you can look at your budget together and look at things you can do without, or second hand. It really should be a compromise, not just a yes/no argument.

I'm sorry, I wish I had more positive advice!

I feel for your dilemma. While you wouldn't want to bring a child in this world without your husband agreeing, it would also be a shame if someday you looked back with regret that you didn't have another. Worse, if with that regret was blame toward your husband that you didn't have a third because of him. For that reason, I think a serious heart-to-heart with your husband is so important. You BOTH have to be at peace with the decision that is made, so neither feels regret down the road. I do understand that "longing". I was in your shoes at one time where I really wanted one more, but my husband was happy with our two children (a boy and a girl). We had to work through our thoughts, feelings - and we do have a strong faith life, which certainly played a big role in evaluating our situation. We came to a conclusion together, and I did end up getting pregnant with our third.... and what a blessing he is!! That was 10 years ago! The duties didn't all fall on me because I was the one that wanted a third - and my husband loves him as much as the other two! Best of luck to you. It is a hard decision and one that only you and your husband can resolve together.

I am in the same spot as you. I can't shake the feeling that I really want another child! I will be looking forward to your responses. Hang in there! You are not alone!

M

I don't have an answer for you but just wanted to tell you I am in the same boat. Two kids (4 and 2), I am 38, would love another child and my husband says absolutely not. Most of the other responses tell you to accept his decision but I wanted to let you know that I understand it is not that easy. I can see his side of things and I have not pushed for a third child that much but he knows I would like one. I am happy with my family so if we end up not having more children, I will be happy but I also would be happy with a third child. We are currently helping out his sister and her family so we have 5 kids in our house -- it is driving him a bit crazy so I keep telling him if he would agree to a third child, I would stop inviting other kids to live in our house :)

since i am not part of your conversations with him but men gernerally are logical (so they think) and need to feel that they can support their family and now adays..well its not very positive in the financial world. If he is concerned financially figure out what would make him comfortable with having more children. maybe he has goals that he feels he needs to achieve for the family. it is important to really try to understand where both of you are coming from because it can end in resentment no one wins then.

just remember pushing will prolly only make him take a stand more. appeal to his loving memories of when the other ones were so tiny and helpless? :) sleeping on daddy's chest maybe? butter him up lol. are you guys getting enough adult time? dinner, a massage, "adult adult" time watch a movie take interest in his stuff? he may feel strapped with time having 2 kids if you don't get time to connect now how would it be with 3? but he wouldn't want to say squishy stuff like that so he might hide behind the financial stuff? never quite know what is going on in those men's minds...g l and of course you know but you are already blessed to have 2 beautiful children :)