Wanting a Third but Husband Won't Budge

If I were in this situation, I know what I would NOT do. I would not trick him into having a third by not using birth control right. I know you might not do this, but some women reading this would. If he doesn't want a third, I would let it go. His 21 year old may begin having kids soon and then you will have grandkids to help with.

You asked for some ideas on how to cope. Think about this:

Treasure the children you have and spend lots of time with them -- time you will never have if you do have that third child. Your kids are both school- and preschool-age now; you have the great opportunity to move on in your relationship to their lives and volunteer at their schools, get involved in their classrooms as a room parent organizing things, get to know their teachers better (a big help in knowing what your child's doing in school), etc. You also can start to build some time when the kids are in school for you to take on other volunteering you may want to do (tutor someone? help at a food bank or blood drive or your church if you have one, etc.?). You can go back to school yourself, or do more in the community, or do a hobby you used to love, or work part-time or full-time, if you choose.

If you have another baby you MIGHT do those things...in a minimum of four to six years from now. And by then, your older child will be 11 to 13 years old, and increasingly doing things without you.

The privilege of volunteering at your kids' schools, in Girl Scouts or dance or sports or whatever they want to pursue, is fantastic. It plugs you into their lives in ways you won't get as much of, if they are always out the door to their activities and you are home with baby. Maybe you already do volunteer at school or with Scouts or whatever -- so you know how much there is always to be done!

I know many women love the infant stage, but think through and embrace the terrific school-age stage. You now have the opportunity to be a different kind of mom than a mom with an infant or toddler; you are moving into the phase of "mom of elementary kids." And yes, when those kids grow up some more, you will frankly have a better shot at paying for college if you don't have that third child, since you say the finances would be deeply strained with a third.

Enjoy the ones you have now, at the stage they are at now, instead of thinking about those cuddly-baby days, lovely as they are!

B. -- SOMETHING TO PONDER

Just ask yourself do your husband and existing children mean more to you then adding a third child that is just a wish? Your husband is being honest and realistic. Are you? You have a lot to love already, many women have no children at all, but have a good man. Why would you put a strain on your children? How does your husband stack up...Is he a good one, is he a keeper? How do you cope? Be thankful for what you have. Stop dwelling on what you don't have. Put all you love and energy into your family.

Blessings.....

It gets easier. I really wanted another one, but hubby said he was done. So I asked myself if I wanted to have a child that I know my hubby wasn't excited about having? The answer was no. So I accepted that we're done.

After I accepted it, I cried, and cried, and cried. For weeks anything having to do with a baby or my babies growing up would make me weep. But now I'm good, I'm focusing on the positives of being done and looking forward to having a life without little ones. Still hard, but getting easier.
Focus on your hubby and 2 little princesses, don't think about what you may be missing.

Many, many women, probably most of us, stop having babies while still longing for more. Among all my lifelong acquaintances, there are far more women who would gladly HAVE more children, but realize their families and/or circumstances can't reasonably accommodate them. (Nor can the world sustain the rising human population for much longer – many scientists and social scientists worry that we've already reached a tipping point that will affect future generations harshly.)

Longing will probably always be there to some degree, rising and falling with hormones and social pressures. But you CAN shift your attention. Ah, the many, many blessing of a smaller family! You CAN decide not to dwell on what you don't have. This is the "secret" to contentment of all the women I know who would gladly be pregnant again, and again, and again…, and yet are content and joyful with what they do have. Contentment is a state of mind, and to a very large degree, it can be chosen.

Our minds can override just about anything our bodies tell us. If not, people wouldn't be able to to diet, to run marathons, to overcome crippling accidents, to surrender needed sleep to meet the needs of a new baby, to quit addictive habits. Choosing to override your longing for another baby is one of the things your mind can do, if you decide to. It's your choice.

A final observation: Contrary to the "common wisdom," I have known quite a few moms (and dads) in my 60-some year who ended up regretting having more children. Health problems in parent or child, a change of circumstance, financial stress, a divorce, loss of job or home, even a neurologically challenged child have been contributing factors. These moms and dads loved all their children, of course, but nevertheless, in quiet, honest moments, wished that one of those children had never been born – a terrible emotional burden for the parents, and often for the child, as well.

And speaking of effects on the family, I hope you will never, ever hint to your two amazing little girls that they are not 'enough' to make you happy. They are if your focus is in a healthy place.

My best to you.

You have two beautiful children who (from what I can tell) are happy and healthy. You would be financially strained with another that your husband doesn't want anyway (talk about the kind of stress that will break a marriage!) -so yes, mourn the fact that you won't be having another, and then take a deep breath and be really thankful for what you do have. You have twice what millions of women would do anything for but can't or will never have the opportunity. I get having the desire and wanting something badly that won't happen, but that's part of life. Enjoy your happy marriage and be thankful that even though he didn't want any more kids at all, he dove in and now you have two daughters. Go out today and enjoy each other!

I understand completely how you feel, but in the end you have to respect your husband's wishes. I think he has shown how much he loves you by being willing to have two children with you when he didn't want anymore to being with. He has "budged" quite a bit on the issue! I know a part of you feels like your family isn't complete, but your husband's is.

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You CANNOT have another child if your husband is that adamantly opposed to one, and for very good reasons. You need to let that dream die.

You can have grandkids someday, and enjoy another one that way. And your daughters really don't need another sibling. Also, as a mom of three, I can tell you that two is the PERFECT number.

And please take Susan S.'s advice. "Accidentally" getting pregnant will do a lot of damage to your marriage.

I want lots of things that I can't have. Nobody I know has every single thing they want. Wanting something you can't have is simply part of life.
Especially since another child would put a strain on your finances, it would be unfair to the children you already have. If it helps, remind yourself that not having another child is what's best for the children you already have.

It's strange that there are 3 posts within a few lines of each other - one wanting another and hubby doesn't, and another hubby wants one and she doesn't'
I am on the "hubby wants one and I don't list" He wants another kid - we have 2, one of each, and I am 37 years old. I feel old and impatient most of the time, plus I don't relish being home like some women do. While I love my kids I want a little life of my own too.
If it will put a deep strain on your finances then realistically it is not a good idea - of course you would both love the child if it came along, but it may damage your marriage in the long term.
I know it's hard to want one so badly, and I don't have the answer to make it better. Maybe you will get pregnant by "accident!" these things happen you know!?

I don't think this is a hill to die on. Your husband has made his position quite clear. Why on Earth would you want him to compromise?

Maybe it would help if you could have an outlet for your love of babies? If you are an at-home mom, would you be interested in doing infant foster care? I love babies and love pregnancy, but we are totally done with our family and I am 100% at peace with that, but I didn't know if I was done being pregnant after my youngest was born. Lo and behold, a couple of years a later a friend asked if I would be interested in being a surrogate, and it did it. It was great. If my husband and I both didn't work, I would love to do infant foster care. The goal is the get the babies placed with a family member or an adoptive family ASAP, so you don't have them long, but I would love to be able to be a loving substitute mom for an infant in a time of need. Another possibility to get your baby fix would be to be a holder at a NICU. Some hospitals with NICUs have volunteers who just sit with babies and rock them or soothe them when their parents can't be there.

If being around babies who aren't yours would be too much, then focus on the joys of not having babies. There are so many great things you and your girls can do because there's not a little one in tow. "The Girlfriend's Guide to Getting Your Groove Back" is a humorous look at celebrating the end of that baby phase and looking forward to the future.

At some point the last baby is just that: the last baby. While a third would stave off that feeling of loss for a few years, bereavement for the little creatures our children once were is part and parcel of parenting. You might always feel a little sad about what could have been, just like we always miss a loved one who we have lost. This kind of sadness is not something you get over, it is something to accept and live with. Acceptance will come with time. For now, let yourself feel sad.

My thoughts on this subject are a little different from the other opinions that have been given. I agree that having a baby should definitely be the decision of both husband and wife and that a wife should NEVER "trick" her husband into having another child. But I also think that your opinions and feelings are every bit as important as the opinions and feelings of your husband. Because this is so important to you, I don't think it's fair for him to completely close the door to the idea of having a third baby. I would sit him down and have him list his concerns in order of importance. If finances are #1 on the list and wanting to enjoy the coming years w/o an infant is only somewhat important, than there are things that can be done. I absolutely adore children and have always wanted to have a large family and be a stay-at-home-mom. Thank goodness my husband has always been very supportive of my dream. We have had to give up a lot of luxuries to make this happen. I don't want to make this posting too long so I won't go into a lot of detail, but we don't eat out very often, we rent movies instead of going to the theater, we don't have a lot of toys for ourselves, etc. Children grow up so quickly--we will have an empty nest and years and years to ourselves with lots of money to do whatever we want before we know it. Anyways, I totally understand the intense desire to have another baby and don't think you should give up your dream just yet. I hope you can work this out and that both you and your husband are truly happy with the outcome. It is never fair for one partner to be happy while the other one is miserable, when your desire is for something pure and good.

this is something you both need to agree on. my hubby is 42 and I am 25 so he is in a rush to have kids and I feel like I have plenty of time. he really wants another (we have one son) and I am just not sure. but we both agree that we both need to want another not just one of us

Some women have the number of babies they want and then surprise surprise another one comes along. I have 3, always wanted three and here I am 33 weeks pregnant with the 4th. Never saw it coming...never planned on having more.

You've already stated something profound: "financially another child would put a deep strain in our finances." If God wants you to have another child, it will happen but you also must be practical ~ you can't afford it. Of course, my decision was a practical one too: we didn't have room for one more but here I am making preparations in our home for our 4th child. Your husband's reason (he's over 40) is not practical. My husband is over 40 and he's doing just fine. You just have to come to place in your heart, perhaps prayer is something you should consider, to find peace over not having anymore children.

Many of us are sad when we realize we won't ever have a baby again, but you could easily feel the same way after the next baby. And they aren't babies for long. Babies are cheap. I wanted a third, my cancer diagnosis made that not advisable and likely not possible. Now that my kids are turning 16 and 12, I am glad that I didn't have the chance to take on that financial strain - braces for two at $6,000 each (no dental insurance), drivers ed, AP exams at $57 each, college application fees, not to mention the cost of college itself looming, hundreds of dollars spent each time a girl goes to a prom - expenses you likely haven't even thought of yet.

Ofcourse this decision has to be something that both people agree on. However, it is hard being the one that does want one, because you usually lose this battle. No matter how badly they want this, the other party can refuse to be a part of it and there is not way around it. It seems a little unfair in a way. I am pregnant with my third and probably last right now. I always wanted 4 but my husband said he would be happy with 2, and still would be content with 2, though he is very happy about having a third. On the other hand, I just was not content with having 2. This does not mean that I do am not happy with the 2 I have. I love my children more than anything, and that is part of why I wanted more... yes, more work, but also more joy... and they will have each other growing up and into adulthood. And, if you kept stuff, you will avoid having to spend money for the first several years...There are benefits of having more. On the flip side, if your children are separated in age by several years (yours will be), they will never being doing the same activities or want to go on the same type of vacations etc. That will make it tougher... There are pros and cons either way you decide. But maybe you should really explain to your husband why you want another, and make a list of pros and cons, just so your both really understand each other desires. I know I will be sad after I have this baby and truly know we are going to stop having kids, but I have been told by others that it helps to just enjoy the stages the kids are going through and really get involved (coaching, volunteering etc.). Kids grow up, and it is bittersweet no matter how many you have!

We have the reverse situation - my husband would love more children, but I, for various reasons, can't countenance it. I never thought he and I would be on different pages on this. What he and I both do, is pray about it. He doesn't press me about it either. It really has to be a joint loving decision. It helped my husband, that another man told him this story. The man (call him Michael) pressed his wife for another child. She conceded. And then she almost died in childbirth. Thankfully she didn't. But Michael passed along the story to my husband as a caveat - leave it in the Lord's hands.

First I can't find words to say no to a women that wants to be a mom (unless is a mom that is so awful that is a fact that bringing another baby would be dangerous for any of them).
I just read a post before with the complete opposite case (maybe you can introduce her husband to your husband, just kidding) but my advice go both ways. Give your self and him some time.
Your kids just leave that super duper cute stage, they are also not in the other great but hard stage (no that all age kids have a great and a bad but to me there are some stages more cute/easy/funny then others).
When you kids start to interact with you more like teens and you start doing things with them that you couldn't before you may fill that empty space your are feeling now.
It could also be possible (even if it will be very hard) that your husband would be more open to have another one when the kids are older or your money situation better.
Give your self and your husband some time, don't put a strength on your marriage or your wallet and don't brake your husband trust by getting pregnant on purpose, time can do wonders for either of you.