B.R.
I'm a husband in a similar situation, so I have a little different perspective than the wives who have responded. I was the one who wanted kids in the first place, and my wife didn't. After she got pregnant accidentally when she was 39, she said she was going to get an abortion. I was against it, and told her so (not on moral grounds, but because I wanted a child), but I told her it was her decision. I was thrilled when she decided to go ahead with the birth.
Now we are both absolutely amazed and thrilled at having such a wonderful person in our lives. I am so happy with this kid that I retired in order to spend as much time as I could with him. (We could afford it, and I gave up a great career.)
However, every day I hear complaints about how difficult our son is being, (when his behavior is simply typical for his age), and how difficult it is to be around him. Well, I'm around him just as much, but I think I have better parenting skills. I don't yell at him the way she does, but he cooperates with me a lot more than he does with her.
I am afraid that adding a kid to the equation would not be a wise choice. I have told my wife that if she stops complaining about how difficult it is to take care of a kid, I would pay more attention to her plea for another one. Nevertheless, her complaints continue, whether our son is present or not.
I love being with him, playing with him, taking him everywhere, carrying him, bathing him, cooking for him and with him, listening carefully and talking with him through crises, walking him to and from morning pre-school every day, meeting with his teachers, getting together with his cousins, discovering caterpillars, museums, drainage systems, construction sites, swimming together, building things together, playing music together, finding real restaurants that he likes, reading books with him everywhere we go...
My wife treats our son alternately like he's the greatest, then turns on him and shoos him away. Sometimes she actually hits him or shoves him, and I object. She promises never to do it again, but she does... over and over.
And no matter which way she's treating him, she treats me like I'm part of the woodwork, and treats our toy poodle like a queen. Our son has been hostile to the dog as a result of his mother doting on her. And if that's the dynamic between the two 'kids' we already have, why wouldn't it be the same or worse with another human one?
I love my own relationship with our son. I think my wife's is problematic. I think my relationship with my wife has deteriorated and needs repair. I think that adding another person to the family would make things more complicated.
I'm the dad so I do all the physical stuff—playground, sports, carrying him, household gymnastics. My wife and I both get tired and we're not getting younger. Why push beyond our limits?
I want to make sure our son gets the amount and kind of attention from us that he needs and deserves.
M., I'm not saying any of this applies to your situation, but I thought I'd share my own perspective.
So, knowing where I'm coming from, it is natural that I would raise the following questions:
1. Are you asking yourself what it is that you're already demanding/assuming/asking of your husband, and what he believes will change with the addition of another child?
2. Are you treating him as a full partner and working to maintain your relationship with him?
3. How is your love life with him these days? Do you get all your lovey doveys from your daughters and leave him out? Is sex something you pursue, merely tolerate, or use as power over him? Simply because you love him? Or want only for making more babies? Or are you too tired from taking care of the kids you already have?
4. Is it easy for your husband to give your daughters the amount and kind of attention that he believes they need? Or is he already struggling as things now stand? Does he feel confident, competent and comfortable as a father? Are you facilitating these feelings?
5. Does he feel deep down that he's a good provider? Will a new addition strain your finances? Does he feel secure and rewarded in his career? Do you care?
6. Are you supportive of him and the goals that he has? Do you know what they are?
7. Can the two of you talk things through, listening, really listening and learning from each other? Okay, so, no—you're barely speaking—is the emotional attachment to your goal so strong that you are only sending and not receiving any messages? You said that it's a hugely emotional issue for you and matter of fact for him. Are you willing to try telling him in his own matter of fact language why it's important for you to feel that your family is complete? Can you spend some time figuring out how to articulate why you feel your family is incomplete? Or why it's impossible to articulate?
Would it be easier for you to write it out and show him what you've written?
Are you willing to listen to his matter of fact language and find the feelings buried in it? Do you care about him and his feelings (buried somewhere in the matter of fact language) enough so that you can give him the gift of letting him talk, letting it sink in, pondering it, nodding your head, really thinking about it, really thinking about it some more, and not have a comeback?
And, I mean, really thinking about it?
We men are suckers for gifts like that.