Third Baby Emotions

The good thing is that you recognize your feelings and also consider his. You're probably right that he's trying to not hurt you and isn't aware that the Maybe is killing you inside.

I think it is time you just bluntly say to him - "Right now, let's decide if we're ever having a third. There can't be a Maybe. If we're not going to, I need to know for sure so I can start working on getting over it."

If you get your solid No and still feel resentful after a reasonable period of time has passed (you'll go through a grieving process) then you'll need to talk to someone that can help you move on. Remember to keep the focus on what matters most - your 2 existing children. You don't want negative feelings to eat away at your marriage until it falls apart. That isn't what is best for your kids, which I'm sure you already know.

I feel for you. My husband and I originally agreed on 4 kids. After we had 2, he was done. I wasn't and we had many discussions (arguments) about having a third. We did end up having a third, and he's now 4 yrs old. A little over a year ago, we had an unplanned pregnancy that ended in a miscarriage. I was sad about it and wanted to try again while my husband saw it as a blessing in disguise. He will not consider "trying" for another one and I have to let it go. In the year since the miscarriage, our health insurance changed to one with no maternity coverage, plus I was diagnosed with high blood pressure over the summer. Between those things and getting older, I just really have to accept that our family is complete and stop dwelling on my desire for another baby.

I'm kind of in your husband's shoes. My husband wanted a third and I didn't. He never pushed a lot or made it like he will feel emptiness if we didn't and then some things happened that made a 3rd risky which helped my position but I certainly didn't not want a third to hurt my husband. So unless you think your husband is tryign to hurt you, try not to actually resent him. Sad and disappointed but maybe this hurts his heart too in a different way. I have pangs for a third too and pangs bc I know my husband was a little disappointed. And he didn't get his boy! But it does make me try to give to him in other ways. ie: we're kind of living where he wants and I don't want... I figure there's give and take. It's unusual for both spouses to get everything they want. So are there areas that maybe your husband is bending to your wishes?... If so try to remember those. And then I would try to think maybe this just wasn't meant to be. Of course many 3rd children are totally fine and healthy but I also know of several families where the 3rd isn't and it's a huge strain on the marriage. Think at least you have 2 healthy kids. Remember the women who weren't able to even have 1 child of their own. Or the moms who had to stop at 1. Try to tell yourself this is how it was meant to be for one reason or another. Maybe a 3rd child would have somehow damaged your marriage and you'd end up with 3 kids but divorced. I knew a 3rd would be a lot for my marriage to handle. If your husband is a good husband and father, just keep focusing on the good and telling yourself it wasn't meant to be. My father said after I was born my mother said, that's it. No more kids. I think he would have had more but ask him today and he'd say everything worked out fine. He loves his two daughters and feels very lucky that things went as well as they did. So many bad things can happen...

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I don't really have a any advice, I just wanted to say I understand where you're coming from because I'm going through the same thing. My second is 17 months old, and every time she outgrows something I feel a twinge of sadness that I'm not going to get the chance to do it again with another. It's really hard to let go (I haven't gotten rid of ANYTHING from our two kids because in my heart I keeping hoping for an "oops" baby), and it IS like a loss, but dwelling on it isn't making me any happier and it's not going to change my husband's mind either. I really hope you can find a way to be happy with the way things work out (however that is)!

I'd sit down with him and tell him what you've said here. That you're having a hard time letting go of the resentment and feel so much that you don't know if you'll be able to let it go, that he's led you on making you think that he's considering it. Tell him you don't think that's acceptable to you. Ask him what he would do if it was the other way around? And he was aching to hold his baby but you were saying maybe, we'll see, not yet, and so forth. Maybe you can find a good example of something he's wanted but is having to wait for.

He needs to be able to see this from your point of view. So he can see how hurt you are and empathize. Maybe he'll see it your way and agree to start trying but maybe , just maybe, he'll be able to talk about how he feels and why he's decided for you about this decision.