Vicious Preschoolers

my boys are 2.5 years apart, so a little different for me. They still fight often, but I realize in my case, the older one just wants his own space sometimes, so I find a way to occupy the baby with something else... BUT, I had a fifth grade teacher with kids close together in age, and she told us how she got them to get along better (this was about 15 years ago) and it worked from day to day and eventually, they got along so well together... when they started to argue or fight, she used to make them sit on the loveseat, one kid on one cusion, one kid on the other. It was kind of like a time out, they were told to sit quietly, on the couch (no TV, no toys) until mom said they were allowed to get up. Everytime, according to Mrs. Schluckebier, they sat quietly, angry for a few minutes, but soon enough, they were giggling, talking nicely, etc. She would only enforce the "QUIET" rule if they were being nasty to each other. Actually, she said when they were REALLY in trouble (hitting, kicking) she made them hold hands while sitting on that couch. To me, it seems like a way to enforce time-out, but still let them work it out on their own, and not let them move on with their day until they did. When my kids (4 and almost 2) get a little older, I'll do this with them, just to see if it works :) good luck!

I recommend this great book: Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish. It deals with conflict issues at all ages. Gives lots of real story examples. Very helpful for us, and I have 7, 6 and 3 year-old.

Amazon link: http://www.amazon.com/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-T...

My daughter and son are 22 months apart as well. She is now 6 and he is 4. What I started doing when they were 4/2 was making them stand nose to nose in the corner.

And I would talk to them about what God says about loving each other. And say, now look in your brother's/ sister's eyes and think about what you were doing. They would cry and not want to do it, but after about 1-2 minutes of doing it they were laughing and we would go several weeks without fighting.

They love each other very much, but they are both searching for individuality, and independence. Sometimes they just need to take a moment and look at the person they are hurting.

These days... when my son gets upset, he wants his sister. And she sits and holds him. I know it sounds nuts... preach love, and it will get through.

Bribery works well. When they were little, I would tell my children if I do not HEAR THEM FIGHT or HEAR ABOUT A FIGHT all week we will go get a special treat on the weekend. I would have a new treat every week...trip to the zoo, out for an ice cream cone, swimming, etc.

When they were older and staying home alone in the summer while I was at work I told them that if they did not fight all summer I would give them each $100 on the Saturday before school started. They could spend it any way they wanted to spend it. That worked really well. I did not get one phone call at work all summer long asking me to referee a fight.

I can certainly understand your situation. I have 5 children, course they are about all grown and on their own. I had this battle too and still do as I still have a very strong-willed 10 year old son.

I am a Christian and so therefore that is where I look for resources, I also use to homeschool. I have found something that worked well for us in the past and we are about to implement it again. It's a "If Then" chart and a "Blessing" Chart. You can find it through Doorposts at http://www.doorposts.net/ click Charts. They usually use King James Version, which I prefer NIV, but it's good. It also helps me not overreact to a situation or under react to one. Because when I am frustrated or angry I tend to blow up, yell, punish, then retract because it may have been too harsh. Therefore it comes across to them that I'm a push over and not true to my word.

With this "If Then" chart it lists offenses such as name calling, lying, hitting, a scripture reference and you fill in the consequence. Sit down ahead of time, fill in the blanks under the consequences and then discuss it with them. Then if they hit one another--go to the chart, read it along with them & implement the consequence. Takes the heat off you having to come up with something & they aren't surprised by something that may not fit the offense, know what I mean?

I wish you the best of luck. I don't believe in totally letting them fight it out, but to some degree they need to deal with things themselves. But you should establish rules of conduct such as no name calling, hitting or biting. I think these charts will help them to understand their behavior as well and give you a tool that takes the guess work out of the punishment.

Best of luck to you. You're doing a great job.

I haven't read through all of the responses, so maybe someone else recommended this. Have you tried not allowing them to be together? My girls are 27 mos apart (7 & 5 right now), and there are times when their fighting just gets on my very last nerve. Letting them fight and work it out is all well and good for solving their own problems, but it is very stressful for me, and their two-year-old brother is learning those behavior patterns from them. There comes a point when I have to intervene for my own sanity if nothing else. And, if I have let them go with it for that long, then I don't handle it well because I'm at my wit's end - and I haven't been consistent, so the discipline isn't very effective.

The girls truly adore each other and can't stand to be apart. But, the fighting seems to be inevitable. When they get too bad, I separate them. It's kind of hard since they share a room, but I find a way to do it. At first they're fine because they're mad at each other, but as time pushes on it really starts to get to them. It is not an immediate cure-all - please know that. At first I had to do it daily and I was wondering if it was really making a difference. But, as I continued to be consistent, it started to sink in and the fighting decreased. I wouldn't put them in time-out or anything, I would just force them to do whatever they wanted to do alone.

Praying for your sanity! :-)

I agree with the dad and the doc. Just ignore them and let them do their thing. They will grow out it one day or just get tired. Get you a good set of ear plugs.
I had boys close together. Talk about fighting! I think it makes them closer when they get older.

Let them fight as long as no one is getting hurt. No blood, bruises, or injuries should evolve from it. I have a 5 yr old girl and a soon to be 4 yr old boy. They are very close in age. They fight all the time. They chase each other around and come taddle that the other is trying to hit them. I just ask "what did you do to them?" They also play all the time and you can tell they have love for each other. When their older sisters get after them for something they protect each other. (I have 2 13 yr old girls) Being so close in age they have a close relationship that I hope lasts their life. If you always try to resolve their issues they will not learn how to resolve them on their own.

Best of luck on this one...unfortunately, this is just how it goes. Mine are also 22 months apart but they are now 10 and 12. I have explained that they will be brother and sister for the rest of their lives. I have explained that what they are dishing out to each other, they will get from other people unfortunately and they need not do it to each other. I have explained the although Uncle Brad (my brother) seems fairly cool now, he was not always so cool but that we realized long ago that it would be better to just love each other (which we have a great relationship and fought just the same).

It is just something you need to let them figure out. And it will always come and go no matter what age they are.

Hope this helps.

He is right - they won't hurt each other. Encourage them to get along and when all else fails let them handle it. When one gets the best of the other they will stop.

I know its hard to let it go in fear that they will hurt each other but just like in animals they are striving for dominance.If its just pushing or nothing real bad let them fight it out so then when it hurts they will quit.but if its to bad put one in a chair one on the couch and no toys or tv and make them set until they can give hugs to each other and be nice even if it takes a couple hours,they wont want to do that again and if it happens again do it again it shouldnt take many times for them to learn its not acceptable behavure.

When mine were young and fighting, I did what my mother made me and my siblings do "hug" each other. Since we all hated hugging each other and the same with mine, it cut out lots of fights.

Don't just distract them. Engage them in constructive activities. Take them outside to plant flowers with you or teach them how to keep their toys neat. Find activities you can all do together. Be sure to praise both of them, too, for their efforts.

When the new baby comes, make it a celebration. A little before the birth, go out and pick presents for each of them from "the baby." While you're in the hospital, ask your husband to take them to the store to each buy something for the baby.

Kids do fight. But underneath all the bickering, they need to develop a sense of cameraderie and friendship. That will serve them well as they grow. (My two oldest boys--I have six--are now 24 and 26, and they're still the best of friends.)

Oh, and my policy was that if they fought over a toy, nobody got it. They learned quickly how to solve disagreements on their own.

I agree somewhat with the other response. I have two boys, 23 months apart. They used to fight constantly and I to tried distraction and time outs and they worked sometimes but not always. What I found that seems to work to this day is positive reinforcement. When you catch them getting along and sharing say good job and reward them with something. Doesn't matter how big or how small. Just let them know that you saw how well they were behaving and not fighting. Kids pick up the good with the bad in everything. The only other thing make them your helpers around the house, little things make a big difference in my world. Make them feel as if everything they do for you makes your life easier and if they do something nice for their sibling notice it and reward it and goes far in their little life. My boys hardly ever argue over the physical things around them now, they race to see who can pick up their dirty clothes the fastest and get the pajamas on right. Everything I did was a life lesson turned into a game but fun at the same time. That is how I was taught. Anything is worth a try in my book. Good Luck!

I was bullied quite a bit from my older brother growing up and it took me till I was 25 to forgive him. I would definitely get control of it now. First of all when my kids fight over a toy, the toy is taken away and they are both put in time out. I remind them that hitting is not acceptable behavior and I make them apologize to each other by stating exactly what they did..."I'm sorry sissy for hitting you"

I would tell your children, from this point forward we do not hit, bit, scream, yell at each other, if you get angry at your brother or sister and want to hurt them then you need to tell Mommy.

Mine are 23 months apart - now 6 and 4 and also a boy and a girl. They can fight like bitter enemies one moment and then sitting next to each other reading a book or play a game with no problems the next. What I suggest is try to find some common ground with them - a hobby they both like, perhaps a craft or see if they can help you or their father do something with a common goal. I think it's probably just sibling rivalry since I fought constantly with my brother and sister way back when. I wouldn't say let them 'duke it out' but just see if they can find a way to be friends first. Good luck!

Dear H.,

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