Seeking Sibling Rivalry Solutions

My aunt had five boys.

Anytime they started fighting/roughhousing she had them run laps around the backyard.

They either ran out of energy to fight or got tired of fighting in front of their mom.

My boys are the same way. I have found the more I intervened the more they fought. One is trying to "up" the other. Help them figure out how to resolve their own conflicts. You want them to be able to have a relationship when they are older and it starts now. I use a behavior chart with "coupons"(for things they really like to do)for rewards. I also separate them for time away from each other and I will remove the source of conflict and no one gets to play. If the youngest is just picking on the oldest then he should get in trouble. I don't intervene too much with the picking/button pushing because that is what younger siblings do, it is just part of life. I was the oldest of three and I was driven insane by my younger siblings. I think it has enabled me to deal effectively with difficult people. Good luck.

It is easier to build boys than mend men. This is my credo.

Hello, E.,

My sons are now 27 and 30...and get along wonderfully well...but when they were the ages of your sons...it was all out war...at times...in our home. They, like your sons, were and are extreme opposites in interests and personalities...I would tell them, "Guys, celebrate your differences!"...which meant nothing to them:)

In seeking a solution for sibling rivalry...I came across this technique that helped a great deal...

It is called the "fighting bench"...Bascially, all you do is designate a place in your home where there is no stimulation for them...I chose to place and leave two chairs with a table separating them in my bedroom for our "fighting bench".

When there was a disagreement between the two sons, they had to go to the "fighting bench". Each boy had to stay until he told what he did...his part in causing the disagreement. They both were told ahead of time that they were not to tell what the brother did ONLY what he contributed to the problem. Sometimes, I added for them to tell me what choice they could have made that would have prevented them winding up on the "fighting bench".

This is like time out, except each child has the power as to how long the time out lasts. One might admit to his part before the other and be allowed to leave the "fighting bench".

I will say this worked just about every time...except for once...The younger son's personality was and is more about what's fair...so he couldn't come up with his part (times before he had no problem with it) but this one time...he just could not find what he had done wrong...so...after about thirty minutes of staying longer than the older brother...I checked back with him...and helped him along by asking..."Do you think you could have at least had a better attitude in you reaction to the disagreement?" and he said, "Yes"...so I accepted that as a solution:)

Of course, you can adjust this by determining that they must sit a certain period of time before they can tell you their part in the disagreement...or other ideas that you might find needful to make it work for you...

What was great about this discipline tool was that it freed me from being the "referee". Before, I often felt I needed a striped shirt and a whistle...but using this tool, I did not have to decide who started the situation...both boys knew ahead of time that they would go to the "fighting bench" because they were not respecting each other or me.
Both boys knew they would stay until they could sincerely come up with their part without blaming their brother...only his part...

I hope this helps...but take heart...my friends would tell me that after the boys were older...they would bond...but there was no part of me that could even IMAGINE that would take place. It did take until the older one was out of the home...probably 20 or 21...and I looked out the window and the guys were sitting in the older son's truck listening to a CD he had gotten...They still didn't enjoy the same music...but they now respected each other to share in the excitement one of them had for something he liked...

It was a joy/challenge to raise sons so opposite in personalities...but it is definitely so worth it!

Wishing you joy and blessings!
B.

When my siblings would fight my mother would simply kick them outside to "finish it". Once my sister came back with a bloody nose, and my brother (younger than her) got in big trouble, but otherwise it was pretty effective since (1) just moving outside dispersed some energy/anger and (2) there was room to move outside so running/wrestling was safer. We all laugh about those fights now that we're all grown up. And yes, we all love each other!

I agree with the comment that younger sibs will naturally "push buttons" on the older ones. Do your boys share a room? If not, the older one can retreat to his room when he feels his brother is too annoying. That's what my oldest does. If they share a room, give the oldest a personal spot (treehouse or somewhere) that little brother physically can't enter. When baby brother comes whining that "Big brother won't play with me!" just say "Oh well, maybe you shouldn't annoy him so much." He'll get it.

Don't fret about their relationship - it will work itself out. I just read a great article by John Rosemond (www.rosemond.com) in our local paper saying how parents should adopt a more hands-off parenting approach (like our grandparents did) to help develop kids' self-reliance, imaginations, and self-esteem. Works for me!

I know the yelling and fighting is annoying, but try not to intervene too much and tell them to work it out. Obviously physically hurting each other is not ok, but outside of that you gain nothing by getting into the middle of it. Part of this behavior is to push your buttons too. If you intervene, they won't learn conflict resolution skills. So ignore them or tell them you're not getting involved because they are big enough now to figure it out.

When me and my siblings were young and would fight, my mother always made us stand looking at each other and tell each other we were sorry and hug and give each other a peck on the cheek and say "I love you." I'll never forget how horrified I was to give my brother a peck. He had cooties, you know. My father would walk in the door and break it up by sending us all to separate rooms and making us stay there until things calmed down.

I personally think you should start teaching them forgiveness now. I've come to find that forgiving my siblings as an adult is one of the hardest things I've done. An early start could come in handy.

Good luck!!

Good Morning E.! My boys are 16 and 18 and are best friends, NOW. They didn't use to be. They fought over everything! Going anywhere was a nightmare! The younger one always got so mad he would blow up and did not have the strength to really hurt the older one. I use to tell them that one day, Nic would knock the you know what outta Layne. Try not to referee as much. Really watch their behavior. I bet if you sit back and listen when they do not know you are around you will be amazed at the conversations they have. They confide in each other, they tell each other the good and the bad. Give it time. I know right now it seems bad, but it does get better. Nic finally did hurt Layne, last year they were fighting in their room over something really stupid. They had not gotten into a physical fight in a long time. Nic gave Layne a black eye!!! Layne's respect for Nic shot way up! I gave them Sock em Bop em blow up gloves for Christmas last year. It was a big laugh!! Good Luck and God Bless

That's a fine line, and I don't have the answers. I would like to just point out that, while you shouldn't let them beat each other up, you should let them figure it out and manage their relationship. If you always step in, then that could build resentment. I've seen that happen, though I know that it's differnet in different families.

Look for book Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends (its written by some kids, to kids)Dad does the cartoon illustrations. This is something we never stop working on.

E.,

We have the same problem. Divide and conquer! Separate them in different rooms every time it starts. Sometimes I even have to put one of them in the room with me so they will stay apart!

Good luck!

I empathize! Here's a book that saved my sanity. It's wonderful! "Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too"
by Adele Faber & E. Mazlish

Good Luck and remember...they don't stay this way forever!

I am so with you! My boys are 7 and 9 now and like night and day in appearance, interests, attitude and the way they deal with things. It amazes me. They fight, but get along well also. I continuously talk to them about needing to work together, that they need each other. They are not only going to be best friends but also their best adversaries. I tell the older one (that is more of an introvert, he can be totally happy being by himself and is able to self entertain- where as his younger brother is much more outgoing and a people person, but requires more outside entertainment and engagement) that he needs to help his brother learn and do better at things so that he has a good partner to challenge him. They do harass each other, though. The older one puts the younger one down. The younger one pesters and annoys the older one. It drives me crazy. But I try to get them to do things separately (play dates, hand held games, and separate activities) so that they will (maybe) enjoy the time together having someone to play with. I really feel that they will be close, but these are trying years. I just try to keep reminding them that they need each other, and so far, most of the time, they get along great! Best of luck to you!!

Just know you're not alone. My boys are 9 and 11 and there's times I not only wonder if they'll see their next birthday but actually if they'll see next week. They are constantly pestering each other, sitting on each other, nitpicking, bugging, etc... you know how it is.

I love the idea of the "Fighting Bench". My boys are quick to point out what the other one did and I've been trying to get them to take responsibility for their actions but it's not as easy - yet it's SO important. I'm going to implement the "Fighting Bench" the next go-round they have.

Best of luck to you!

E., I have no advice for you, just a thought from the kids standpoint. My brother and I fought so much that I cannot imagine how my parents restrained themselves from throwing us out of the moving car. I just want to say, on behalf of your kids, thanks for loving them anyway. You're a saint. Some day they, too, will be in awe of the scope of your patience and love. :)

I've been really lucky, my two are 5yrs apart and though their verbal fighting in the past 3 yrs is rather harsh (he's 19 & she's 15) they have NEVER become physical. And like yours their personalities are very different. One summer when they were 6 & 11, I just couldn't take their sniping at each other anymore, I made a rule--in order to get their allowance for the week they had to come to me privately every night and tell me something good that the other one had done for them that day. It had to be legitimate and at the end of the week I would share with them when and how they had be "caught" being good. It helped them to see the other one in a different light and take the time to understand each others moods and ways and start looking for positive things. I like to think that for the most part it worked. I catch them talking or hanging out or texting each other alot now.

I have the same problems. I have asked numerous, experienced parents on the issue. They ALL say the same thing. It's normal. Separate them when necessary. So, I keep talking to them how they are family and they need to be there for each other when times are bad. I also point out when they are mad how they did the same thing the other day; they didn't like it, yet now they are doing it back. It's not nice, is it? I also reinforce that older/bigger kids shouldn't hurt smaller kids. They can defend themselves, but within reason. I punish when it gets out of reasonable defense. I stay out of it as much as possible. I hated that, but it has helped. They can get pretty bad too. When I've had enough and want peace, or it gets too dangerous, then I explain that at this point it doesn't matter who's right or wrong or who started it but what's important is that there is peace in this family. I separate them in to separate rooms, give a command that they are not allowed to play together (which always surprises them) until they can peacefully. They get bored enough and will come ask me if they can play with each other. Or, the older one relishes in her quiet time. Either way, it brings temporary peace until the next flare up. I've also started to order them to make someone else happy today when they begin something together that I can foresee problems with. When they tattle - I ask them how they made the other one happy? If they can't list at least 2 things they tried, I don't get involved. I also give them ideas to try next. It doesn't always work, but it has surprised me.