Oh my gosh! So angry right now and need to vent.
Background:
We have two daughters, the oldest is 17 and mine from the first marriage but he adopted her when we got married, the youngest is seven. The oldest refuses to go to his house for more than 2 hours on special occasions, because he's angry and judgmental. The last time she was made to go to his house, she walked/ran home to my house in the rain with flip flops on. Her feet were bloody and bruised and she was chilled to the bone. That was May of 2011. While she doesn't see him, we have left it on paper for figuring child support that he has 49% parenting time with both girls. The youngest adores him, idolizes him and is becoming a lot like him, anger issues and all. She's currently in counseling and just had a full psychiatric evaluation done on her at the counselor's recommendation. We're waiting for the results on that.
On to my issue:
I host exchange students. This will be my fourth year and our student arrives on Saturday. I texted him to ask if our younger daughter could come to his house a little late on Saturday since our student arrives an hour before her usual drop off time and I know she'll want to spend some time with her new "sister" before going to Dad's.
Me: "Would it be okay if I keep E. a little late on Saturday? Like until 6:00. Our new student arrives at 3:30 and I know E. will want to spend some time with her before coming to you."
Him: "Another exchange student?...great."
Me: "Yes, from Japan. I'm surprised E. hasn't told you."
Him: "E. doesn't tell me because she knows it pisses...you keep taking support money from me you don't need and taking-in extra mouths to feed...now ____@____.com leave me alone. I'm angry and I need to cool off."
Me: "Seriously? You give me $100.00 a month during the school year and $220.00 during summer. A. doesn't want to come to your house. You could be paying much, much more. I'm sorry if the state feels that you should take equal responsibility in raising your children. Now leave me alone while I cool off."
How do you handle a person that is angry all of the time? I'm so sick of dealing with his issues. Sometimes I feel like I should seek reduced time with him for E. He's so angry and she's having issues at school with anger and inappropriate responses (like trying to stab a classmate in the hand with a pencil). But, she loves him so much. I don't know what to do with this man. I try my best to be civil. I always hold my tongue in her presence. But, I don't get any of that from him.
When I bought my new to me car, E. was so excited about it (three rows of seats, tv, tinted windows), then she came home from a weekend at Dad's and said, "Mom, I'm really frustrated that you keep buying new expensive things and you keep taking all of Dad's money." First off, the car was $8000.00, not $30,000.00 and I traded my old car for $3000.00 of that. Second, it's none of his business what I spend money on. And third, he has no place saying things like that to our child and brainwashing her into thinking that his opinion is hers.
I took the advise from some of you and have limited my contact to the bare minimum. It's not calming him down any, but I'm feeling better about it.
As for the exchange student, when I asked E's counselor about whether I should be doing this or not, I got a resounding "Absolutely, what a great opportunity for both of them!" And, our new student is wonderful with E. She always makes sure to find time to spend one on one with her every day. Usually it's a walk on the trails around our house, sometimes just cozying up and watching a movie.
The results of the psych evaluation came back with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD. We're working on behavior and response modification and seeing a glimmer of hope.
Taking in exchange students is the LAST thing you need to be doing. And money has nothing to do with it.
Your home is a volatile, unstable environment for your own children and you want to bring other peoples kids into your home.
I'm not picking sides, I'm stating facts based on what you have provided.
I wish you luck.
First - you are doing a pretty good job of dropping down to his level by continuing to argue.
Second - you don't get to control the words that come out of his mouth.
He may be an a-hole, but that doesn't mean you get a pass for being one too. Your kids are watching and learning - teach them how mature adults handle irritatants in their life.
my husband and I both have kids with our exs so I get this. When you communicate with him, keep it to the basics. Like say, "Is it ok with you that I keep E until 6pm on Saturday?" No details are needed. If he ask for details, you reply, "I'm just asking if I can have her a little longer, is it ok or not?". He will either say yes or no. Frankly, he only has her for the weekend right? so she can get to know the exchange student when she gets back home. Was an extra 2 hours worth all the drama and stress? You need to learn to let a LOT of this go. As far as the comments about the new car from E, you just say, "we needed a new car, its used, and it has nothing to do with your dad. I'm sorry he's telling you differently but you will understand these things better when you are older." A reminder to your ex to please don't discuss these things with your kids is not necessary. Because he's a jerk and he will continue to do it anyway, you need to just handle it on your end. Don't ever count on child support, don't fight with him in front of the kids, communicate with him ONLY via emails (so its documented), stay away from the back and forth drama, stick to telling him the basics, stick to the schedule (you can be flexible to reduce the drama) and pick your battles. These are some of the things we have learned in dealing with our ex's. Good luck!
Don't take the bait, don't stoop to his level, don't keep trying to defend yourself...he wants to argue about how much his child support is and you taking in an exchange student, don't counter that. You will not get him to see your side of it, or feel badly for flipping out - you will only fan the flames. When he said he wanted to be left alone, that was when you should have said, "Fine...I will be keeping E until 6:00pm." End of story. It takes 2 people to have an argument.
And let E know that it is the court system that decides how much his child support is, not you. Remind her that the money is needed to help take care of her, and that if you decide to get a newer, safer car with the money that you earn with your job, that's your decision - and it's none of his business.
You interact with an angry person as little as possible and give him "just the facts" and ignore his spouting off when he's angry about it. He can petition the state to have his CS reduced, for example. I would also (if you have not already done so) get CS routed through the state - maybe a little more time to get the money for you, but you would both be dealing with the state vs each other.
EDIT: I see that you do have E in counseling. This is a very good thing. She needs to deal with the fact that she loves her dad for being her dad, but she's angry at the situation and doesn't know how to deal with it.
Tell your children that you are not taking anything from their father that the state has not decided you are entitled to and it is between you, him and the court. As for the car, you made a careful purchase. End of discussion. You will gain nothing going tit for tat. My DH's ex flipped when he bought his car, but it was a purchase years in the making and it was no more her business than it was his that she spent gobs of money on shoes. He wasn't taking money from the kids to have the car and it just wasn't up for discussion.
It might also be time to teach the kids about budgeting and saving for something they want on the sidelines, regardless of the comments. "I can't afford to buy you an iPod outright. But let's work out a budget for you to buy it yourself." Then THEY can choose the shuffle or a bigger iPod and maybe learn something about buying a referb, saving, etc.
And if your children are struggling, maybe now isn't the right time for an exchange student. Maybe you need to focus more on E and her problems than bringing another party into the house this year. Please think about whether or not it would really be in the kids' best interest. Not because of funds, but because of time and emotional needs. If my kid was running away from her dad's house and stabbing people, I would not be taking on anybody else.
I agree with the others. Don't argue back. Stick to facts (even though it sounds like E is spinning tales and getting your Ex all worked up) and maybe even communicate through your attorneys if he keeps acting up.
When she brings home these statements, I'd ask "Who says the car is expensive? What makes it expensive? Do you know how much new cars cost? Do you know how much this car costs?" Make her defend her statement with proof (which she won't have). I know it sounds mean, but when my kids come home spouting some insanity from my Mother I try to educate them with the truth. In asking them about their "data" you're teaching them to be critical thinkers and maybe not believe everything they hear.
You could get a court order that neither of you bad mouths each other in front of your children.
You could not respond to questions or statements that just "fan the flames". As an example: If you would like your child to come home early, just ask without a lenghtly explanation. He can say yes or no. However, since the exchange student will be with you for a long time, your child would have plenty of time to get aquainted.
It seems that you and your former husband may be using the younger child to get back at each other. As for the "bloody and bruised" feet issue, did you call CPS on that one? Something bad must have happened.
I wouldn't ask him for anything that isn't in the court agreement. That means I wouldn't even ask to change visitation times around unless there were an emergency. The arrival of exchange students doesn't constitute an emergency, and your daughter can wait to meet them.
Try not to fall into the trap of letting him anger you. He won't change. The only thing you can change is how you approach him and how you respond to him. You could keep your communications in writing through e-mail or text and it'll be easier to keep them emotion-free that way.
I might talk to your daughter about what exactly child support money is. It's money that's intended to be used for the care of her and her sister. That means it's not being paid to you, the Mom. The money being used to buy your car is not, therefore, child support money but YOUR money. Set up savings accounts for your daughters if they don't already have them and put all child support money into those accounts. Make them revocable trusts that the girls can use however they choose when they turn 25. Let the girls know about those accounts and that they're filled with child support money.
You're right, it's none of his business. He's a cranky, nasty, mean, unhappy person. What matters is how you handle yourself and the children. Your eldest daughter knows the score. Now it's time to gently redirect your 7 year old without coming straight out and badmouthing her father the way he is about you. Your daughter will figure things out.
