Vacation Without the Kids, Don't Want Kids to Resent Me.

Sounds like it may be possible Mom is jealous. You do need time alone as a couple without the kids or else what will you have as a couple when the kids are grown? Kinda weird Mom thought you should go but now says otherwise. I prefer the direct approach: tell mom how you are feeling. After all, it's a little late to change these plans now.

No you are not a bad mom. If it were me, I would just tell my mom that she said she would watch the kids when we booked the trip, its done and booked and we have already made all the arrangements, the trip is only 2 weeks away...and that i understand her point and concerns and will keep that in mind for the NEXT vacation...but this one is already planned and there is not a lot I can do about it now...I am excited and want to go with my hubby ALONE, we need the time together...thanks for watching them Mom!

Oh, just tell Mom that she did not leave you when you were little, and you are finding reason to resent her anyway, so you might as well go have fun without the kids, it is enevetable that they will resent you.

My husband and I have taken many trips without our kids. Trust me, 11, 14 and 18 have plenty of complaints about me, leaving them to go on a few trips is the last thing they come up with when you ask them...and the list is really long.

One day, they will be happy when you leave. Get em started early.

Go have fun and don't think another thing about it.

M.

Just to give you the kids point of view. My parents went away at least 3 weekends a year without the kids, probably would of gone on a cruise or a bigger trip if they could afford it. Sometimes they would just go to the hotel 5 miles away to get away from us and focus on them. Yes we were upset we couldn't go, yes we probably did resent them for awhile, but here is the most important part of my post, KIDS GET OVER IT!!!!!! We (all 10 of us kids) got over our parents leaving us. They have been married 51 years and when you ask them the key to their marriage is they always say they made time for each other, whether it was short getaways or dinner alone once a week. Most of the time their "date" night was in our dining room and the kids weren't allowed in, or even on the same floor as the dining room. We got over that too. Most of the kids that are married, do the same things my parents did, from date night to trips alone.

Not sure how old your mom is, but if she comes from my mom's generation then they think if they couldn't do it why should you? Marriages back in the day would have been more loving if the parents took some alone time. I'm figuring your parents didn't. Tell mom, thanks for your opinion, but we are going and please while you are watching MY kids do not instigate or say something to them about mommy and daddy leaving them behind. Make sure your kids will have their games and stuff at grandma's and promise them a great gift. They will be fine, and you and hubs need to reconnect. Your mother should applaud you for trying to take some time with hubs so you stop fussing as much at eachother, and come back better parents. Have a great time!!

Your children will resent you for a ton of things - no ice cream before dinner, not being able to stay up as late as they want, no new toys whenever they are nearby a toy store. So what? You're the mom, you ultimately decide what's best for your family. This vacation is best for your family. Go, have fun, and feel good about your decision.

Tell her that without the mom/dad vacations it could eventually get to the point where there would be no family to take the family vacations. You two are the glue of your family, so take care of your relationship. You deserve it.

Make SURE.... that your Mom.... DOES NOT BAD MOUTH YOU & HUBBY TO YOUR KIDS... over it.
That, is what would also concern me....

Your kids, are your kids. They are 9 and 6 years old... you talk WITH them about it... PREP them about it... both you and your Husband. Talk with them about it.... in a nice comforting way... so that they do NOT feel bad feelings about it... just because of your Mom's view point.

You are NOT a bad Mom.

all the best,
Susan

Holy moly tell your mom to butt out! Stop discussing it with her. Period. Its not her decision and if she turns it into something as petty as not watching the kids so you have to take them with you, then there are some other serious problems.

My (now) husband and I went to Vegas in May and left our 4 kids with his parents. They were 9, 6, 2 and 6 months at the time. No one knew we were getting married, only that we were going on vacation and it was so nice to just get away.

Go and have a fabulous time! Your kids will not resent you.

No, you're not a bad mom. Go and have fun. I hope your mom isn't going to then give you a hard time about having to take care of the kids while you're gone.

You are not a bad mom!!!!!
The honeymoon isn't over because your mother says so, I hate to tell her.
I talked to a woman the other day. Her parents got married and went to San Antonio or somewhere for their honeymoon. They loved it so much, they never left. They raised their kids there, they've been married 55 years and as far as they are concerned, they are STILL on their honeymoon.

Listen, if mommy and daddy aren't happy, what's left? Your kids are certainly old enough to be away from you. They are old enough to understand that moms and dads need time to themselves. You will come back refreshed and happy and the kids will benefit from it.
I say go....and have a great time!

My husband and I travelled a lot for business and got to go to some pretty awesome places. The kids stayed with my mom and they did just fine. I sent post cards and brought back gifts and the kids were no worse for wear.

All husbands and wives need some time alone once in a while whether they've been married 2 years or 50 years.
Don't let your mom guilt you out of this. Really.
There is nothing wrong with mommy and daddy romantic time. You need it.

Just my opinion.

Best wishes.

Getting away from our kids and reconnecting with our spouses makes us better parents! Do not feel guilty, even if the kids feel grumpy about it, they really do understand that you and Daddy need some alone time to do adult things. Tell your mom to stop trying to make you feel guilty, that you and your husband deserve to have this special time so you can come back happier, more connected, and ready to be the best parents you can be. My husband and I left our 2 children to go to Paris, and it was wonderful, and the kids were just fine and never resented us for needing that time alone.

.

I've heard the best thing you can do for your children is LOVE their father/mother. Keep that love strong, enjoy your vacation and know you ARE doing what's best for the children.

Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry your Mother is making you feel guilty about this! That is just plain mean. Does she realize how bad you feel now? Does she know that her words are making you cry??

If she has a heart, hopefully by you letting her know the torment she has caused you, she will apologize and let it go.

I can't imagine any mother NOT feeling remorseful for making her dear daughter cry.

Tell her she should feel blessed and privileged that she has this opportunity to spend one and one time with your children. She should really appreciate this bonding time with her grandchildren.

Let her know that this time will be forever in your kids memory as a special time that were able to spend with grandma. Have her take lots of pictures and then put them in an album for her after with a note from your kids thanking her for spending time with them while Mom & Dad were away.

Go on your vacation. You and your husband will never regret it and your kids will not resent you.

No way are you a bad mom for wanting to take a trip without your kids and shame on your own mom for making you feel that way. Your marriage is important to your kids, they need a stable environment, and they need you to model what a marriage should look like. You should nurture that relationship for everyone's sake. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty for doing so. I know it is hard with our moms, they always know just what to say to make us doubt ourselves, but she can't make you feel guilty without your permission, and you don't have to give it to her. Just remember that you are doing what is best for your family and let anything else roll off your back.
Have a wonderful trip with your husband!

No! You are not a bad mom! Your children need to learn how important it is for Mommy & Daddy to have time together, alone. That includes vacations! You do plan trips with your kids, you also spend every day with them. The WILL NOT resent you!
You need to be firm with your mother and explain to her that you take plenty of family vacations and this time is for you and hubby alone. Tell her that the kids will not resent you and that you would appreciate it if she wouldn't put the idea into their heads. Be nice, but firm. Help her plan activities to do with the kids while you're gone and remind her how much you appreciate her help.

Yeah, your mom is dead wrong. Go. How much would your kids benefit from you not having a close relationship wtih your husband? This is GOOD for them.

If my mother said something like this, I would ask her if she was ill..
Is this a change in her behavior or is she always like this?

If this is a change in behavior she may need a physical. Of not, in the future, try to find someone that can watch the kids, without making you feel bad about it.

Your kids are going to be fine and will not resent you, because they love you and want you to be happy..

When mama is happy, her family is happy..

Are you kidding me? Your mother needs to be locked away in a looney bin! LOL

There's absolutely nothing wrong with taking a trip with your husband. If all you do is give and give and give to your children your marriage will never last all those years. Honeymoon over? Your poor mother. I'm sorry she has such a bland opinion about marriage. We have kids, we take great care of them. But to be honest, kids come and kids go. That's the nature of the beast! Our marriage is forever! As long as you're still doing for your kids and taking them places like a mini vacation, camping, whatever, who is she to complain? I really think it boils down to her being envious of you and your situation.

Have a great time! Send pics out to your friends and don't be shy about it!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HarrisburgPAChat
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NO WAY!!! Your mom on the other hand, she doesn't sound so great in this story.
Go....have a fabulous time....do NOT worry about what your mother is saying. The kids may be a little jeleous, but when you say, "we love you but are really excited to have some time alone. You don't want to see mom and dad all lovey all over ourselves!! Go have fun with grandma, we will see you in about 5 days!" Kids will understand. Geesh, I loved it when I stayed with grandma...she gave us ice cream...my parents never did!!
Your kids will be fine. Your mom is wrong. No crying....go have fun!

No they won't resent you and yes your marriage can profit from it. Your children may even notice the difference in how you treat each other when you get back. Go and enjoy yourself. It sounds like you always make up the time with you kids when you get back anyway and that will be a special time for them. Your kids have been through the routine before obviously and it won't be any different this time. In fact, they are older now and will probably manage even better. Sometimes, our kids need a break from us. They may need the break from you as much as you need that special time with your spouse. I think they will be fine as long as she doesn't inform them that they are supposed to be resentful. I sure they know about the proposed trip, have they complained or opposed the trip. I doubt it! They will probably enjoy the extra spoiling grandmothers tend to give and have a great time. Besides, the honeymoon is only over if you let it be over. For a marriage to work, you have to work at it and a honeymoon type trip ever so often does wonders for a marriage. Go for it!! Have a Great time!!! Don't worry about it!!!

V.,
You and your husband deserve it! You're absolutely not a bad mom for wanting some time to recapture the spark. 5 days sounds totally reasonable and your children aren't babies anymore. The kids may grumble, but they'll be fine. And don't let your mom make you feel bad. Tell her that this vacation is actually good for your marriage and good for your family. Because if there is no marriage, there is no family :)

Are you absolutely sure there's no one else your kids can stay with? As our kids have gotten older (14 &11), we've sometimes gone for a weekend a let them stay with friends. Of course these are friends of whom we know their parents and know they are in good hands while we're gone. Five days may be long to ask someone else to watch your kids, but I'd certainly think about it if I was you. Maybe they could even split the time...part of the time with their friends and part with your mom. Time for you and your husband is vital...but I'm not sure time for your kids with your mom is healthy for them if she's got issues.

Sure...my kids would be upset if we went on a cruise without them, but they'd get over it.

Your mom is wrong. Your kids will miss you terribly, and be happy when you get back, they wont' resent you. You also need to not care how your mom feels about it. BUT, since she's the sitter, just say, "We want to go. Are you saying you won't watch the kids because you don't approve of us going?" If she'll watch them, go, and have a great time. You're an adult!!!

YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM! I can't believe your mom would even say that. Alone time is essential for a marriage. It will help keep you and your husband close and what could be better for a kid then parents that have a good marriage? Even if your kids do get upset for not taking them, it won't last long and as a parent you know you can't give your children everything they want. Parents have to say no sometimes. and kids cry. That's normal. But your kids are not going to resent you. I think your mom is just deciding that she doesn't want to watch them that long. Go have fun. And don't spend the time worrying about your kids resenting you. They won't.

You are not a bad mom! You are taking the time to maintain your relationship with your husband! My parents went on lots of vacations when I was growing up. We loved spending time with my Grandmom or Great Grandmom. And- it never hurt if they 'sweetened' the pot by promising us something if we were good. (Once they bought us a rabbit, etc...) Your Mom is probably just jealous.... is she single or widowed?

I would tell her that the kids are so looking forward to some quality time with their grandmom to be spoiled rotten. Have a great trip!

I agree with almost everyone on here. I understand the guilt involved in vacationing without your children. However, it is necessary for the success of your family. If there is a strong foundation between you and your husband, your children only benefit from that. I find that when we go away without the kids we miss them the entire time and always talk about heading back to the locale with the kids. Also, upon returning the kids are the ulimate beneficiaries of a refreshed Mom & Dad who want nothing more than to shower them with attention. I agree that it is necessary to get some Mom/Dad time away. Your Mom should understand that. My Mom has always helped watch our kids when we've been away and I can't imagine her ever saying something like that. You should feel fortunate that you are in a position to do this and let the guilt fall to the way side.

Like just about everyone else said on here - no you are not a bad mom for going away without your kids. My husband and I went on a 5 day trip last April two days after our son's 2nd birthday. He stayed with my in-laws and did great. They live two hours away so they loved having him too. Your kids are older so they might be more vocal about being jealous of you guys doing something fun without them but too bad. They will be fine. When I was in kindergarten and my brother was 3, my parents went to Hawaii for 2 weeks! We stayed with grandparents. We both turned out just fine :) Your mother is wrong and I don't why she would try to make you feel so bad.

Your kids will be fine and you are not a bad mom! To me, your bigger issue is your mom...why was it ok for you to ok 3 months ago when she offered to watch them, and now she's not?? What changed during that time? It's strange that it was ok for you to go without them before and not now. If you don't find out what's behind the change, this will probably be the last time you can ask her to watch them while you go away. I have been away a couple times and my mom watches my kids and they love it, they think it's their vacation too! (And she only lives a few miles away so it's not like they travel to see her.)

I hardly ever respond to these questions, but feel compelled to respond to yours. GO AND ENJOY!!! As long as you know that your kids are taken care of, they will NOT resent you. My hubby and I went away with friends (adults only) a couple of years ago and it was so nice to relax and focus on us for a change. Please go, relax and have a blast - your kids will miss you, but really be excited for any souvenirs you may bring back for them!!!

You are NOT a bad mom!! It is perfectly normal (AND HEALTHY) to take a vacation without your kids. The kids might even enjoy time away from mom and dad and getting time with their grandma and it isn't like they are babies/toddlers . I honestly think it makes you a "better" mom because you come back refreshed and appreciative of your kids.

Stick to your guns and go on vacation without your kids. It does NOT make you a bad mom whatsoever.

I think this is one of those questions that doesn't have one correct answer. I personally wouldn't go on vacaction without my kids (my husband feels the same way), but I do know others that have. What I don't know is how their children felt about it - good or bad.
What is the problem for you, is your mother is watching your kids while you are away - you can explain to her that it is too late now to change your plans (which I'm pretty sure is the case if your trip is only 2 weeks away), but I really wouldn't expect her to watch them again for another trip in the future. Maybe in the future instead of a big vacation with husband you two can try to have more alone time throughout the year - a Friday night once a month if you have a babysitter - which may be easier to find if only for one night.

Absolutely do not feel guilty! A marriage can't truly be successful w/out the couple time alone so you can pull together and raise your children happily as an end result. My parents went away on vacation when I was little and to this day I have such great memories of doing fun things w/my grandmother while I stayed w/her and was spoiled rotten which kids love! I am thankful for those special times w/my grandmother and can say those vacations truly helped my parents as they are still together after 42 years. I incorporate those same "rules" into my parenting and my son of course misses us but then we have amazing family times when we return getting to do special things together. Do not let anyone guilt you otherwise and I hope you enjoy your well deserved vacation!

If you decide to go kid free, can I come? lol
C.

My DH and I try to go on a cruise every year... and we have 4 little ones! It is VERY important to have a healthy marriage and it is our only time alone when we can talk. It's almost like the household yearly evaluation... and since we're the heads of the household, we have our meeting on a cruise boat:-)

My mother stays with our kids when we go, but she encourages our trip. She knows what it's like to have multiple kids and no time with husband. Esp since we work opposite schedules. She also goes on multiple vacations every year, during which time, she asks my husband and I to run their business. So we look at it as give and take. It sucks to have to add an additional chore to our to do list, but we know that when we go on our cruise, she won't question it. Almost like payback:-)

I'm also a firm beleiver that time away makes the heart grow fonder. I miss my kids terribly and know they are in good hands with grandma. Being on a cruise, communicaiton is really expensive, so we avoid it all together. So after 5-7 days of being away, the kids miss us and the relationship is so much more appreciated.

We also take the kids on special trips throughtout the year.. weekend trips, amusement parks, etc. So we don't AT ALL feel badly about going on the cruise alone.

ENJOY YOURSELF! You deserve it.

Your mom may just be a little jealous that you're going and she's not.

Thank her by buying her a tacky souvenir and tell her you love her. You're a mom. You know how far those three words take you :-)

Best wishes.

Go and have FUN! My husband and I have done at lease a weekend away for the boys every year since our oldest was born and have done a few 5 day vacations away as well. We have friends that have been married for almost 20 years and they started doing that when their first son was born and have said it is vital to the success of their marriage. We started going because of what they said and couldn't agree more. We stil do a family vacation with the boys. Our boys never miss us. They have fun with my parents watching them - the rules are never as strict. We always bring something back for them, like a tee shirt. If you don't have a strong marriage, your kids will suffer in the end.

Good heavens, don't feel guilty! Go, have a good time, reconnect with your husband, work out the kinks in your relationship. Your mother has clearly forgotten that happy marriages make happy families.

Or, she's just really jealous that you're going and not her! <wink>

I doubt very much that your kids will resent you. If they do make a comment or fuss, you can very calmly and politely tell them that, just as you have one-on-one time with them, you need one-on-one time with daddy. Everyone gets special time with mommy! Remind them of the fun vacations you've taken as a family and leave it at that.

Try not to let your mom get to you on this one. You know what you need to do to help your marriage. She does not. HER honeymoon may have been over early in the marriage, but that doesn't mean you have to be the same.

Have a great time!

Dear V.,
Most definitely you & your husband should go and enjoy your time together, recharge, and return excited to see your children. My parents often traveled without us when I was a child (1 of 4) and most times there was only sadness when they left and excitement when they returned in what seemed like a very short time. My only suggestion is try never to go away on your child's birthday. My parents did travel once on my birthday and LOL I still resent it now (sad I know - therapy should help hahahaha).

As to your mom changing her tune. If it were me, I would definitely ask if she is having second thoughts about watching her grand-children. If she says no, I would ask why she is no longer supportive of your vacation. Is something else bothering her? And if you have a close relationship, tell your mom that her words really upset you and made you doubt yourself as a parent & mom and ask her if that is what she wanted you to do. BUT ONLY if you are really prepared to hear whatever she might say.

You are not a bad mom. You can love your children while still taking some time for yourself.

Enjoy your marriage time!
Fondly,
ann m.

Go on your cruise with out kids. It is good for you and your kids will learn that they need to care of themselves sometimes.

Have fun.

Hi, V.:

What makes you feel guilty?
Your mom is entitled to her opinion, but it is just that, hers.
Is she willing to keep the children in spite of her opinion?

Have you stopped to ask her why she feels the way she does about just having family vacations?
Just want to know. D.

When DH was growing up he had a week long vacation to his grandmothers every summer. He and she looked forward to it and he thought it was a great time (of course granny spoiled him and his brother rotten!) He would tell his parents all about what a great time they had and feel sorry for his parents cause they didn't get to go!

It wasn't until he was an adult that it really dawned on him that they were the ones that went on vacation! If your mom thinks they will resent it she'll probably say things that will make them think you are getting some major treat without them...... You really might want to talk this out with mom. Is it really her that resents you going away??

Even with all that you are not a bad mom - go enjoy - the kids will recover.