We have been battling bullying all year and this friend and her mom know it. This is not bullying, but mean, rude people. The friend asked if she could go with us at dismissal. While we were waiting for her to ask her mom(who was talking) another girl came up and asked that girl if she could go home with her. She and her mom, even though my daughter spoke up and said the daughter asked to go with us first, said yes. I said "Hey, we have been waiting here on you for five minutes because you asked to go with us to the park. That is not right."
Her mom then let her choose while my dd and I were standing there and she said "Oh, but now I would rather play at my house with the other girl." As we were leaving, the mom then said "Well, maybe your daughter could come play at our house too." We left and my child burst into tears. These girls are 9 and 10, not in K. We did not invite the other girl because we do not know her and what we do know is all bad. Plus, I was furious that this girl and her mom were mean.
The whole reason we have overlooked their behavior(see previous post) is because there child did not bully mine when others did.
This is not bullying, but downright rude. My dd won't even tell the girl it hurt her feelings or she is mad. How can I get her to be assertive? She is afraid if she will, this girl will join in on the bullying. I am DONE with this whole family as soon as school is out.
My dd is in scouts, church, group art and music lessons, and such. She is in martial arts and her teacher is working with her on being assertive, but any advice from moms who have dealt with this is appreciated.
Two days later, the mom asked me if my dd was ok. I said she was not ok, she was crying, her feelings were very hurt, and she could not understand why her friend rejected her. The mom said "My d said she was fine with it." I said "Well, she was not and I made it clear to her she is not to invite your child anywhere directly again. If we decide to invite her somewhere, I will phone you and your daughter can decide yes or no if she wants to come or not. We are not doing that again as it was very rude and quite hurtful." The mom tried to makes excuses and her d walked up. I repeated myself and neither apologized.
My dd is afraid the girl won't be her friend. I said I never told her she is not to be your friend or she can never come over. I said "If there is another invite, we will do it so this never happens again." This is RUDE to every other mom we know and they would be apologizing, not making excuses. They would be SORRY to have hurt her, not acting like it was ok. She is thinking now. We have 6 days of school and she can think this girl is her friend if it makes her feel better. My husband thinks that I should not have been so blunt even though she brought it up because we are weeding them out in a week. I think my child needs me to be assertive and show her how it is done, even if they get mad. The woman's kids are avoiding me which is fine and my dd says the girl is acting normal to her.
Finding friends in supervised activities has worked best for us(scouts, group art lessons, group music lessons, and martial arts). There is almost never a problem and when there is, the adult in charge help the kids work it out.
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This is not bullying. This is young children in various stages of social development with a parent with different values than yours.
I think this sucks your daughter got the short end of the stick. But the other child is receiving different cues from her own mom. If I were the mom I would not have given the child the choice. Plans were already made and you do what you SAY you're going to do, end of story.
Sorry this happened to you, but you can use it as a learning tool for your own daughter's social skills.
Find new friends, since your parenting styles differ so greatly.
:(
This isn't bullying, but I am assuming you are refering to previous instances. Bullying, by definition, involves your daughter feeling unsafe or threatened... not just a "mean or rude" situation.
Honestly, the other mother handled it incorrectly by not offering to have your daughter come too, but it also sounds like she wasn't aware of what her daughter had asked so you really can't hold that against her. You cannot control how the other girl behaves, but you can teach your daughter to problem-solve and advocate for herself in a proactive way.
In that situation, I would have reacted differently than you did and not forced the other child to "make a choice", thus making your daughter the "odd man out". I would have either invited the other child to come to the park too or would have said (politely) to the other mother something along the lines of "Melissa had asked if she could go to the park with us, but if you would rather have all three girls at your house that's fine with me too. Which would you prefer to do?".
What you reacted to was the fact that you were held-up for 5 minutes and you responded out of frustration and anger. You are clearly not a doormate, but the tone of your reaction makes me wonder how often you are allowing your daughter to stand up for herself and make her own decisions within your household rather than jumping in to do it all for her! You don't say how old she is, but in "telling" her that you aren't "going through this grief all summer so the girl better start..." you are putting all of the responsibility on a child that you cannot influence. Focus on giving her the freedom to make choices and live with fallout rather than trying to change the "rude" family b/c you can't!
This is certainly not bullying, and it was rude on the part of the other mom - but not her daughter, she's just a child learning the social ropes. This is extremely common in elementary school and part of kids learning how to interact in groups. There's a valuable lesson here for your daughter; not everyone will be her friend, and that's ok because there will be people in life she doesn't want to be friends with as well. Also sometimes her friends will want to play with other kids instead of her, and that's ok too because sometimes she will make the same choice. Enlarge your circle of friends and make plans with this family understanding that they have a tendancy to cancel at the last minute - and remind your daughter of that when she wants to play with the girl...."sure you can play with Betsy, but remember that sometimes Betsy changes her mind and last time it hurt your feelings so if you're ok with that let's give her a call"
My son had a friend like this and I said that phrase to him more times than I can count; as the boys have gotten older the friendship has fizzled out because my son got tired of being bossed around left out. They still play together, but rarely, and my son has learned not to take it personally when friends play with other kids instead of him.
Sadly, ignoring, turning the other cheek and being nice is archaic methodology form the 'do unto others' generations when people actually had some ethics. NOW it just makes bullying worse.
I had to teach my daughter from age 3 to speak up immediately when people were rude and walk away from them. Literally, when a rude mom was on her phone at the park, and her daughter was bullying mine, I coached my 3 year old loudly right in front of the mom- who paused her conversation to hear-"Babe, you say, 'You are being rude, and I dont' want to play.'" The bully kept "ordering my daughter to play with her" and my daughter was looking sad, but doing what she was yelled at to do, so I coached my daughter to say, "No Thanks" and walk away. I then explained (again loudly in front of the mom) that when people are rude you have to tell them so RIGHT AWAY and do NOT play with them until they are being nice.
Now she's 5 and has had to use her fortitude many times on today's brats, but she will not only speak up to bullies but defend other kids as well. The key is to address things right away so the bully doesn't establish authority. It gets harder and harder to stand up once the bully has prevailed.
You should have told off the mom for being rude when she chose against your daughter and she burst into tears before leaving. Your daughter did great by explaining what happened, so she needed back up. Don't fret, it's hard in the moment, but ignore these people from now on and the next time something like this happens, speak up. I've had to speak up a few times to people in front of the kids when I wouldn't normally, because I tend to let things roll off my back (after a lifetime of learning to let it go-but kids need to be tough, not ignore). You have to model strength for your kids to learn it.
My advice for your daughter at this point would depend on how old she is. If she's kindergarten-ish, I'd have her behave as normal, not ignore anyone, and speak up next time. If she's older, I'd tell her to avoid that girl, she obviously has a mean mom, which pretty much insures she'll be a mean kid. I never would have let my kid pull something like that, and if another mom stormed off, and her daughter was crying??!?!?! I would be chasing the car and begging them to stay and apologizing for our rudeness. These are not nice people.
I don't see any bullying in this situation.
This happens quite a bit with younger kids because they change their minds like the wind changes course. It's up to their parents to teach them to honor committments or make compromises that make everyone happy.
It sounds like the other mom was too distracted to really have a grip on what was planned or what was going on. If it were me, that would have been my cue to say, "We are going to the park like we planned. Maybe we can try this some other time." Then, I would have left.
Another problem I see is that many parents are so concerned with what their kids "want" that they neglect to teach them to follow through with things.
I wouldn't have given my kid a choice at the last minute. There would have been no choice. But that's just me.
People who are rude or make inappropriate choices are not a direct reflection on us unless we let it be. I wouldn't sit around waiting for an apology, because I can bet it's already been forgotten on the other end.
It was an incident. It wasn't polite. Let it go.
Some people are....for lack of a better word....flakey when it comes to plans and arrangements. You can't change them. Your daughter doesn't need to cry about it, although it's upsetting. She doesn't have to see it as someone choosing someone else over her. She still got to go to the park. The other girls didn't.
My kids, both a girl and a boy, had friends or acquaintences that I flat wouldn't make any plans with. If invited by their mothers or the kids wanted to go somewhere with us, I had a code term: "We'll see". Without coming right out and saying so, my kids knew I wasn't saying yes and there was a 99% chance of it not happening. They always forgot, something came up at the last minute. My kids learned not to count on it and they were fine with it. They weren't let down because I didn't let them get their hopes up. It didn't stop us from any of our plans.
There are people in the world like this from little kids to full grown adults and yes it's rude, thoughtless.....but their rudeness isn't a measure of our own worth. It's okay for kids to know that.
There is no point in repeatedly trying to get someone who demonstrates thoughtlessness to be our friend.
There is another dynamic among children in which two kids can be perfectly fine but a third one in the mix throws things off kilter. It happens.
Surely you haven't exhausted all sources of friendships for your daughter.
Try church, signing her up for swimming or gymnastics. Maybe even a book club at the library. She'll find someone who is a good fit.
Best wishes.
I cannot really reflect on what you wrote other than the part where you said you are not a doormat, or easy because I apparently did the same thing to my older son, who is so complacent and easy he does get stepped on and he is a lot older. What to do, what to do.
Life will be filled with bullies and creepy people (yes they are even at my job and I do not know how to deal with that-and this time I am the victim). We all have to learn what our comfort level is. I write letters, try to ignore it etc. The ideal thing would be for the other mother to be thoughtful and said 'hey you were going to play with your dd and you now will.
Too many choices are given these days and that is how we also end up with children years later who do not feel protected by their parents, the ones who said 'whats your choice?' instead of for a minute taking a stand. And those are the children who are totally battling their parents still waiting for that moment of strength. You keep doing what you are doing. Sounds like your little one knows who really cares.
You are sending the wrong message to your daughter - you are letting her be treated like a door mat in order to avoid confrontation.
Frankly, this other little girl and her Mom sound awful. Why would you want your daughter to be treated this way and made to feel second choice?
Find new play groups, try a new summer camp with new kids, library events, girl scouts, YMCA, Boys & Girls clubs, etc. Find new venues for your daughter to meet other girls.
These people are not your friends. Let them go.
Good Luck
God Bless
After a point, continuing to interact with people who treat your family like this over and over again, it becomes your fault for coming back for more.
Just cultivate other friends/activities and do not be available to see these people anymore.
Never say "We're not seeing you anymore" just "Sorry, we have plans - maybe next time" except YOU know there will never be a next time.
It's not a bully/standing-up-to-bully thing to realize that oil and water don't mix and not all people are compatible.
Friendships should not be this hard.
this is not bullying. you were being passive-aggressive by standing there waiting for someone else to invite your daughter to do something. next time be pro-active. the other family could certainly have been more sensitive, but since you put them on the spot, you set up this uncomfortable situation. it's not such an awful thing for the other mother to allow her daughter the choice, although it certainly wasn't the most courteous thing to do.
the world is full of rude people. rather than getting mad at them all, it's time to teach your daughter how to be strong and confident and pick better friends.
khairete
S.
You know this family is rude, so why do you keep hanging out with them?
Your daughter wasn't bullied, she simply wasn't picked because this little wanted to play with someone else. Was it rude, yes, but it's her right. If she doesn't want to play with your daughter, she doesn't have to.
I suggest what one of the other mothers suggested...find other friends. Go to story time at the library, girl scouts, where ever, find new friends and leave these rude people alone.
What the other mom did was rude, and twice. The second time she was asking you to take care of her feelings, and make her feel better about her mistake. The adults knew better, and what the girls said was irrelevant. What would have Miss Manner said? She knew that wouldn't have been pretty.
We have a number of "socially precious" girls in my daughter's grade, so we have been dealing with bullying for a while now. My daughter hasn't been a primary target, but one girl occasionally goes after her. Well that girl did a big stunt, and got herself suspended. As part of that we got roped into an "intervention" with the girl (turns out it was TOTALLY not age appropriate, and a mistake. So much for trusting that other parents know what they are doing.) and her mother. In the warm up session, the group of girls had a shopping list of behaviors they wanted an apology for, and my daughter was determined to stay strong and hold this girl accountable.
Well, the circle started with a number of girls who hadn't been bullied, but just saw a crying little girl being cuddled by her mommy. Hadn't she been bullied enough? No one would talk about what they had suffered after that. They all went with the peer pressure after that. My daughter was last, and I later asked her WHAT HAPPENED???
Well, she didn't want to buck the crowd, and risk her popularity. She decided if she lied, there was a chance the bully might be nice to her in the future in return.
So yes, the girls will act "normal" with each other, wear their game face, and act "cocktail nice".
The whole thing left me wondering if "standing strong" was in my daughter's personality (probably not, or perhaps just after age 30?) as she saves her blunt sarcastic side for me alone. Perhaps what I wanted for her wasn't developmentally appropriate?
I took a deep breath, explained to her I was worried lying may have taken care of her, but I was worried that the mommy had no idea how much her daughter was hurting other people. But perhaps it wasn't my daughter's job to tell her. I explained what was most important to me was my daughter "stuck to herself". I didn't want her taking care of the other girl, I wanted her to take care of her own feelings, and be true to herself.
And yes, I am extremely conservative about my daughter's play dates, after TWICE coming to pick her up at someone's home only to find a notorious bully there (two different girls). We are working on getting my daughter to call me, not trying to make it work.
I would have taken my child and left when they started debating the issue of whether she wanted to play at all. Sorry - I won't have someone invite my child to play - allow another child into the situation - then be rude to EVERYONE involved.
I would stay away and try to find some new friends for your daughter - just my opinion - I think if you keep trying you'll find your daughter getting hurt over and over again.
Good luck.
I've read a lot of comments stating that this isn't bullying...She clearly stated in her first paragraph, "I am not saying this is bullying".
Anyway this child was rude! She is not learning the "socal ropes" because obviously nobody is teaching her the "socal ropes" She is destined to be a rude adult.
Find other friends is all I can say. I agree with the mom who said find friends in supervised groups like girl scouts or something like that.
Updated
I've read a lot of comments stating that this isn't bullying...She clearly stated in her first paragraph, "I am not saying this is bullying".
Anyway this child was rude! She is not learning the "socal ropes" because obviously nobody is teaching her the "socal ropes" She is destined to be a rude adult.
Find other friends is all I can say. I agree with the mom who said find friends in supervised groups like girl scouts or something like that.
