"Unfriendly" Toddler

I have the same problem with my now 4 year old. It's a constant battle and I don't know the answer. She ADORES my MIL and will do anything for her, because she does everything my daughter asks her. My mother is more strict, and my daughter, at times, wants nothing to do with her. She won't even hold her hand to cross the street. I will not allow her to be rude to my mother. I tend to scold her afterwards, however, and try not to make a big scene in front of my mom. I also try not to allow her to be rude to me or her father when my MIL is there. Because when she is there, no one else matters. She has gotten better over time, I think. I don't try and force the affection issue, but I try not to let her be rude. Good luck!

She is only 3 years old! If she does not want to kiss
everyone goodbye, let it go! The bigger deal you make
of it, the more she will dig in her heals. Three year
olds do not really get the social graces of life. Do
not sweat it. In the scheme of problems, this is not
one. Relax and enjoy her.

This another one of those developmental stages that most typical toddlers go through. It is not the child's fault - that is how she is, for lack of a better term, hardwired. She is not being rude, she is being a typical 3 year old. Grown-ups need to be the grown-up in cases like these and not take offense. Have your sister adore her from afar, and as your said, it will eventually become more natural and from the heart.

Think of it this way, if she is forced into hugging and kissing people she prefers not to now, how will be able to cope when this happens when she is a teenager or an adult? Imagine forcing her when she is 16 to kiss uncle joe or getting angry with for not hugging him. She is a person and she has her fellings that need to be taken into account.

This stage of her development is very important because she is learning about relationships with other people and how to be a social human. She is learning control and choice and listening to her inner self. She is learning so much by going through this. Nuture her through it. You can encourage her to hug her aunt but if she says no, well, no means no, and that is a good lesson for people to learn. Don't force her. I am afraid of what the long term consequences would be.

I do not expect my kids to kiss bye bye. I encourage independence and understand they have their own personalities. Sometimes it is hard on me when I want them to express themselves a certain way. They normally wave bye, kiss some, if I see they are slacking on the manners then I say oh we are going home do you want to blow grandma a kiss or kiss her on the cheek.... They get excited to have a choice!

Both my sons at times refused to give hugs/kisses to family members, and I didn't push it. Being "nice" and giving hugs/kisses are different things; appropriate behavior should be expected, but I don't think it's a good idea to force kids to hug/kiss someone if they don't want to. Trying to make them do it or feel bad about it will most likely keep it going.

Family members tried different things, at times, like blowing kisses, shaking hands silly, or high-fives, which my sons responded to better (my 3 year old is still like your daughter).

Hi ER. Affection should never be forced. Children should be taught that their bodies are their own, and hugging/kissing is everyone's own choice. You may think that the people you don't see on a daily basis are worth a hug or a kiss, but your daughter hasn't known them all the years that you do, and it feels uncomfortable and like a loss of control. You cannot force your closeness with your sister onto your daughter. I would not ask her to kiss anyone. Let her say goodbye in her own way. Being nice to people doesn't mean having to kiss them and hug them. Explain to family members that your daughter, like many young children, isn't big on kissing and hugging. Kids should never be told that they must allow someone else to touch them in a way that makes them uncomfortable. Maybe if she weren't pressured into kissing, hugging, etc, she would be more amenable to saying goodbye. I would allow her to say goodbye, give a wave, or whatever she is comfortable with.

ER,

I was raised in a very strict Italian family. My father made me kiss each and every person we visited or visited us when we arrived and again when we left and I HATED IT. Especially some of my uncles. One of them I can still remember being so frightened of and he still forced me to kiss him when I saw him. Obviously I did not carry on the tradition with my children, however I did not allow them to be rude. I would tell them to wave bye, bye, of give a high five, or a hand shake, I think they are all respectful ways to greet, and say goodbye without having to kiss and hug everyone. It is also the age where children become aware of who they like and dislike. I would not force her to hug and kiss anyone she does not want to. Let her use her own judgment as long as she is not rude. You don't want her to learn how to force herself to show affection if she does not want to especially as she becomes an teen. However you can make sure she waves goodbye, smiles, shakes their hand, or a least shows some sign of respect to her elders. As far as her acting bratty do not allow her to do that in order to avoid a scene. I would much rather see a mom attempt to discipline their child in public then to just allow them to be rude and ignore the behavior. As long as you are firm (I am not talking about hitting or anything)and have a consequence for bad behavior eventually she will realize her behavior is unacceptable and change it. It could be something like if you do not behave when we go home you will not get your favorite video etc. and then follow through. Once you do it she will know you are serious and when she begins to act up you just have to let her know the consequence if she does not stop. It may take a few times but trust me consistency and consequence is the key to raising well behaved children in my opinion. There is a difference between not wanting to kiss and hug and being bratty and rude. Good luck!!

Affection should come more natural and from the heart...Maybe your sister needs to spend more quality time with her to earn that from your daughter.

Rude as in not saying good-bye or giving a kiss?? Lot's of 3 year olds don't want to and don't. They do develop this as they establish their relationships with people...has been my experience with this.

Lots of 3 year olds also don't like to be fussed over by people they don't know, such as "Outsiders" and will express it by being whiny and bratty...has also been my experience.

Short story for an example: Next door Eric when he turned 3 was very much like your daughter....wouldn't hug, kiss or say hello or good-bye to me. So I started spending short but quality time with him...just being silly. At first he just stood there looking at me as if I were nuts but I didn't allow that to discourage me...each time I went over there or saw him in passing until I won him over.... I just kept trying. Eric now runs across the lawn into my arms to say hello which melts my heart. When he's not allowed off his porch, he'll call out my name, and wave to me and throw kisses. He excitedly shares he's news of the day with me...a new toy, a new boo-boo on his knee or finger...something that took place at day care, something new he has learned, something new he's now allowed to do on his own etc...I listen and have wonderful conversations with him now besides playing those silly games with him. Mind you I don't spend a lot of time with him very often and I have yet to walk in giving this child a gift of anything. Comes his birthdays, Xmas I hand his parents an envelope with $ in it to be deposited in what I call his "Medical School fund." Yet he'll push his way though family members to greet me when I walk in and in return I greet him back as if he's the only one in the room....I take him into my arms and ask "How's MY Eric doing...I'm so glad to see you".
Point being, it's the quality of time spent...trust and respect begins and a relationship grows at any age....

As everyone else has already said, don't force it on her. It's very natural for kids to not want to hug, and your sister should not take it personally. Perhaps your daughter can choose another way to show your sister affection - a special gesture used only between the two of them, or something simple like blowing a kiss to her.

I have a similar situation... My daughter is 3 1/2 and it drives me nuts! She is very personable and outgoing but when it comes to other people--stangers in stores, family, friends...she is incredibly stubborn and most of the time will not even wave. I know that i probably make a big deal out of it but I refuse to allow her to think it is acceptable to ignore or be rude. However, the other side of me says that she is 3 and this too shall pass (hopefully!). I noticed that another responder says that they would make the child at least wave...I am not sure about yours, but my child is extremely strong-willed and as much as I may punish, talk to her, take away etc..she is not going to greet or goodbye unless it is on her terms. I am realizing this and I just hope that my constant (short) speeches about kindness and manners will eventually be heard. I have told her that she can ask me if it's ok to say hi if it is a stranger but that doesn't seem to help too much.
Sorry that I don't have suggestions... just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! Let's hope that these two will eventually grow out of this stage! Good luck & let me know if any of the suggestions above do help!
K.

Adults should never take offense when a wee one refuses to be affectionate. The wee ones are still learning and figuring out this thing called life. If they need time and space when it comes to affection.... let them have it. My sons were always very affectionate with my husband and myself, as we were (and still are) with lots of hugs, kisses & I love you's, but my younger son was hesitant to give affection to anyone 'outside' of us, while my older son was and still is (at 19) always very friendly to pretty much everyone, and very quick to show affection. We're all different. High fives and blowing kisses are just as wonderful as hugs and kisses. My 3 year old niece just blow me away with how she is ALWAYS very affectionate with EVERYONE she comes in contact with. She is so sweet and willingly gives you a hug, with sound effects (Awwww.....) and then she looks you in the eye and gives you a kiss full on the lips! (along with another sound effect...."Mmmmaaaahhhhh!!!") She cracks us all up. She is an only child, but the baby girl of a very large family, where all her cousins are much older, and she has so much love to give to each and every one of us! She's wonderful. But my younger son, who was not at all like that with anyone other than his Momma, his Daddy and his big brother, was also (and still is)...... wonderful. Each child is different and that's fine. God bless you and your wee one!
D. xo

Little ones get all sorts of signals from us. If she feels as if you're stressed about her hugging family, she will detract, and naturally so. Then, if you become unhappy with her, she will want to shy away even more. Children are built in with a survival instinct, and stress just clicks it on. I think if you hold her up, and allow her to wave goodbye, then blow kisses - she'll feel safe enough to make that step, then slowly emerge with more adoration, once SHE feels comfortable. I think putting pressure on her is just making her more shy. We often think that little ones have more social knowledge than they actually do. Try to not have stressful expectations - especially with a sibling around the same age as you. Also (very important) - don't let family and friends stress YOU out about her not hugging them. Maybe everyone can cope with a little more patience. :)

It sounds like she is shy and is protecting herself. If she is otherwise well-behaved around family, she'll come around as she gets older. Right now, don't force her or she'll be more likely to act out. If she knows she doesn't have to hug or kiss them, she'll be more likely to say good-bye, and will also become more comfortable interacting with them during the rest of the visit. Right now, you need to protect your child and value her feelings and not worry about your grown sister's or others' feelings being hurt.

My son who is 2 does the same things. I urge him to do it but try not to force him. I don't want him to not want to see them if he knows he's going to have to kiss them or hug them. I think until kids get around 5 or 6 maybe they don't understand what being rude is and it's pointless to force them. But I don't think we should totally abandon the idea of teaching them how to be polite at this age. If you do you'll just end up with a really rude older kid later on and then people wiill talk behind your back about what a horrible mother you are.

While I don't think you should force her to hug or kiss, she will when she's ready, I do think you should make her have to be nice as you say.
My daughter has a tendency to get as I call it fresh when we are around certain people, almost like she's showing off to get attention. I have no problem putting her in time out. Usually one time out is enough to straighten her out for the whole time we are visiting.
I agree that she needs to be nice, and I think if she won't be nice then time out. She doesn't have to like her Aunt, she is a little person capable of choosing whom she does and doesn't like.
My daughter hated my MIL for almost 2 years, then one day she suddenly decided she liked her. Kids are funny like that.
Good luck.

Hi E R,
You should tell your sister that it is nothing personal. My 2.5 yr old is the same way. She is not being rude. She is being honest and true to herself. She doesn't want to give her a kiss or hug, right now. Give it time. My daughter doesn't always want to hug and kiss me either when "the mood" strikes her, so far be it for me to have her hug and kiss anyone else. I get offended if others take it personal and think it is rude of my daughter. She does not hit, bite, or hurt anyone, which to me is rude behavior that needs to be addressed. Please, do not let others opinions or ideals of your daughter dictate the kind of person she is at 3. She won't be 3 forever and she will definitely have a change of heart, as long as your sister doesn't hold it against her. And do not worry about the pedophiles, your daughter seems naturally discreet. When she's of the age of concern, about 5-7, you can warn her about strangers and not to talk to them. That is most certainly not rude!

You daughter is only 3 years old. Why does she have to kiss and hug people goodbye? Why is it not acceptable to just say goodbye? It doesn't matter if it's a family member or a stranger. I never forced any of my kids to kiss and hug anyone goodbye. Not even grandma and grandpa. If they wanted to, they would do it on their own. And most times they did kiss and hug. But there were times they didn't want to. And that was okay. I would simply ask them if they wanted to say goodbye to people and let them choose how to do it or not. That's not being rude, it's being a kid!

I don't think you are "totally off the mark" with this, you have to teach your daughter some manners. But you can't force some things on kids. They learn more by example then by force. And if your sister doesn't understand it, that's her problem. She's the adult and needs to understand that children have a mind of their own and will not always do the things their parents want them to do. Or feel about them the same as their parents do. And they have a right to their feelings, too. Who knows, she may not like your sister as much as you do. After all, she don't talk on the phone with her everyday, She didn't grow up with her, she is not her best friend. That's you. Not her. It could be for any reason. Maybe she doesn't like the perfume your sister uses. Or how she hugs. Or the outfits she wears. Or even the tone of her voice! Kids see things in a whole different way then adults do.

Don't force her or punish her for not kissing and hugging auntie goodbye. Ask her (don't tell her) if she wants to say goodbye and if she does, praise her. Maybe she just wants to say "goodbye" or just hug, or just kiss. Maybe she doesn't like kissing or hugging. Or just wants to wave goodbye. And if she doesn't do anything, just leave it alone. Maybe next time she will do it. After all, she's only 3 years old.

I just wanted to thank you for your post. My son is the same way/same age, and it's good to know that it's normal and I'm not the only one who's worried about properly teaching manners without squelching individuality. Tnanks! :-)

E R, I have three boys who are very different from each other. My oldest is not a huggy type (4 y o), my second one is a huggy one (3 yo) and my third is in between more towards like the older one's personality (16 month old) so it's hard to tell what he'll be like yet because he's a needy type and is not a people person. My opinion is not to force anything on her or anything when it comes to hugging and giving kisses and so forth. I think they have the right to hug or not hug. Think about how you would want for yourself. If there is someone you didn't want to hug, would you want to be forced to. Behaving, is a different thing. She is four and with me, I am firm but straightforward with my older boys that they are not to whatever it is and they are to be doing this or that in an appropriate way and so forth. I would be firm and let her know that her behavior is not acceptable and then tell her and show her how you want her to act and also, have her repeat after you what it is that you want her to behave like and ask her what is not acceptable after you have talked with her. Help her out and draw a line to her behavior. She's checking out what she can do and see if there is a boundaries there and children need boundaries....I have learned it over time and you'll get the hand of it and you're learning just like the rest of us and good job!

I have the same issue with my daughter. She just turned 4 last month. I started telling family and friends that she doesn't "do goodbye" because she wouldn't even say goodbye let alone give them a kiss or hug. She finally said one day out of the blue that she doesn't like kisses but she could give hugs. She said she doesn't like people's breath on her. So I remind her now when it's time for her to go or for someone to leave our home that she said she can give a hug. It has taken the pressure off her to give kisses. Also I want her to know she has a right to say no to anyone and not force her to kiss someone she doesn't want to. I'm sure your sister can understand. May your sister and your daughter can come up with a secret handshake or "high five" or something. Let me know how it turns out.

She sounds alot like my son. It used to bother me a lot, but I've learned to embrace his shyness and work with it (he's 6 now). I'd rather that his cautious instincts prevail in this day and age. Over time I've helped him understand that it's proper to give hugs and kisses goodbye to certain people. Try not to worry about whether others are offended (I used to); I'd just accept and nurture her true nature.

Hi,
She is only 3. Her ego is just starting to work really hard. I bet there are other times, when she doesn't do what you want, eat what you give her, etc. There is so much she has no control over. But she is becomming aware that the world is so much bigger than herself, and so exerting some control somewhere give her a sense of safey. When that sense is intact, the ego can grow in a balanced way.
The affection she gives others comes from her own comfort level, sense of control, safety. And, because at 3 most children do have much empathy, (they play at it, but in reality don't have much feeling for others because of the survival instinct someone else pointed out.)she isn't aware that someone might feel hurt by her unwillingness to say goodbye.
So she isn't being unfriendly, she is just not comfortable with some aspect of the situation. What she is doing, is telling you she needs to feel safe. I wouldn't push it at all. Let her wave, let her say good-bye and run away, let her do nothing. As she grows, she'll find her own way to others becuase she'll come to understand that there is giving and receiving, and both feel good.
Good luck,
m

I wouldn't force the hugging and kissing issue - i never understood that, I feel like that isn't something that should be forced upon a toddler - saying goodbye, please and thank you, not being rude or bratty - I agree with you on that. Maybe she just doesn't want to be forced to do anything and that is extending her bad behavior.

Kiss and hug your sister and let your daughter do so if she wants....no prompting. A kiss should always be from the heart; never an obligation or an expectation. I am sure eventually, that she will follow your lead, but if it is not her style, let her be who she is.

hi, does your sister ever babysit? maybe if they had a chance to have time to know each other they'll have their own way of communicating?