Hugs and Kisses

Hi T.,
I have a perfect example for you about how children are just different. They are individuals. I have 10month old twins who are raised exactly the same way. I have the same expectations for them, spend equal amounts of time with them, play witht them the same... They are as different as different can be! My son is sooo affectionate and loves to cuddle. My daughter does not like to cuddle. Rarely anyway. It's usually only at night right before she is put in her crib. I also smother my kids with hugs and kisses (whether she likes it or not!) My son will look for a hug and my daughter will push me away. SHe is aggressive and he is passive. They are just different. I am a special ed. teacher and as mentioned by another mom, I would not be concerned at this point. Not unless there are other signs that have you concerned. Just celebrate that she has a mind of her own and is an individual. Best of luck to you!! And if you ask me...keep hugging and kissing!!!

Hello T.,
My 18 mos old son Has just started giving hugs & kisses, I think it just depends on the child. They do say that children develop at different rates. hope you have lots of fun.

Children go though many stages and changes as they grow and develop. Yes, I tend to think you are being to sensitive about this. Try to relax and enjoy it all as they grow up so fast.
It's got to be wonderful seeing her interract with her pets...take lots of pictures to share with her when she gets older.

everyone is different...some of my children are "big mushes" and some would rather a high five...it has nothing to do with you or how much they are loved, it's a personal thing...and as you know your daughter is her own(little as she may be)person. try not to take offense and cherish those hugs and kisses even more because they will come fewer and far between. Don't try to force her to be physical(by force I mean tell her "kiss grandma or hug grandpa bye bye" if she doesn't want to don't make her, settle for a high five or a wave until she is ready for more), let her become comfortable with her own level of affection...and try not to take it personally if she's not a big snuggler...you should be proud that she feels loved enough to do things on her own and enjoy the times she feels like a little extra comfort...I have 5 boys, 4 are big mushes, my middle son is NOT, never was...but it almost means more when he comes up to me those big lips puckered or with a hug cause I don't get as many from him...he doesn't love me any less than my mushes, he just shows me on his own terms...when he wants too...and now that he's 6 and in kindergarden...I get more(I think he misses me)!
Best of luck!

Hi, T..

You said that lately your daughter clings to you when you are home from work. Who watches her when you are working? Can your daughter communicate enough to tell you if someone is being mean to her? Its probably just that she isn't a physically affectionate person, but any personality changes should be investigated. Please update and let us know how she's doing.

All the best,
R.

Like every adult every child is different. I care for 4 children (one of my own included) each of them is different in affection and when they started giving it. All are only children and all are kissed and hugged and loved daily here and at home. One was about 22 months before he would really show any affection or kiss me and that was just me and not the other children. He was more affectionate at home but with us he was more serious. Another is two and now will hug the other children but not daily and will cling to me when he is tired. My son likes to hug and kiss when he is the mood to but that started when he was about 18 months. I thought he wouldn't ever since he never seemed to have the time to stop and be affectionate. Then all of a sudden it happened. He was always a happy baby but always too busy to sit and be affectionate. The youngest one is just beginning to show affection when she feels like it at 16 months. In my opinion if it is something that concerns you watch and observe. To me she doesn't sound far off or any different than the four I care for.

Hi T.,

Some of your responses are from parents of kids with special needs and looking back, I'm sure they think that there were clues that they could have noticed earlier etc. The earlier a child who needs it gets services, the better it is for the child (and usually for the family and the mom especially who can focus on knowing and learning instead of worrying).

That said, I think that all kids are different and some kids who aren't physically demonstrative are just like that and do not have 'special needs'. However many kids who have special needs do exhibit this type of behavior. If it is a concern, or you have a funny feeling or you just don't want to worry about it any more, please get your child tested.

If you live in NYC, getting your child tested is FREE through the board of education (it is probably free everywhere else too, I just know about NYC). All you have to do is write them a letter and ask them to test your child, they will set up an appointment for you within 30 working days. If your child qualifies for 'services', that is weekly or bi weekly sessions with occupational, physical or speech therapists, the services are FREE, and typically they come to your home and the therapists are wonderful and knowledgeable.

Sounds like she may have sensory intergration disorder. You may want to take her to an occupational therapist.
My son has this disorder except he craves touch and does not shy away from it. Look it up on the computer check the symptons and if she has a lot of them take her to the OT. It is treatable and the younger the better.

T.,

I don't think you are being too sensitive. As mamas, especially if we are huggy people, have visions of we and our little ones enjoying lots of warm cuddle time with lots of hugs and kisses meant to melt us into puddles.

Of course there is much truth in what many of the mamas have said who have respnded. Each child is different in their shows of affection. Each child develops their ability to show affection in the ways we expect (hugs and kisses) at their own pace. ANd each child goes through developmental stages that trump our need for those hugs and kisses as they become more and less interested in a new skill, environment and routines. I was a teacher for 12 years and an advocate for children with special needs and their families and I caution you not to jump to thoughts of the Autism spectrum. There are many other indicators that must be present besides the ones you have described. If this is a concern, talk to your pediatrician. He or she will be able put your mind at ease with a preliminary screening or, if there are other factors that you haven't mentioned in your request, he or she can refer your daughter for a more thorough evaluation.

She sounds like a delightful child. I am sure you enjoy her in so many other ways and savor those times when she is in a cuddly mood.

S.

I would suggest not worrying about it at this point. I read someone else's response that you see a pediatrician immediately. Unless there are other symptoms, I would not assume that your daughter has autism. My daughter was just like yours at that age. I was a little sad that she wasn't more free with her affection, but now that she's 3 1/2 she's quite a bit more affectionate - but it still has to be on her terms. I can't force it. My son was born when my daughter was almost 2, and I was shocked to see that he was a cuddler basically from the minute he came out! I was really amazed to see how much personality is built right into kids from the start. Anyway, don't stress about it! Find those situations when your daughter will be more cuddly - like maybe when reading books.

Hi,

From another perspective I have a 6 yr old boy and 4 yr old girl. I think I did mostly the same with both of them but they are totally opposite. My son still kisses me on the lips in front of his friends and is very lovey but my daughter is not. She kisses me on the cheek and she doesn't look for hugs. I have to draw her in. She is also shy when it comes to compliments and such. However she constantly tells me and shows me in other ways how much she loves me. She draws me pictures and tells me all the time how much she loves me. She just isn't cuddly.
She is extremely bright and does my son's kindy homework with him and she is one of the most social children in her class. But she also doesn't like to hug the kids in her class either and she isn't a girly girl. I think we tend to see girls as more cuddly and lovey so we sort of expect it (maybe even unconsciously) and when they aren't that way it seems like it is different. It took me a while to get used to her way of doing things and she is getting more lovey now but when she was younger and up to really the age of 3 or so she wasn't a hugger and kisser.

N.

I think every child is a little different when it comes to this. My daughter - 19 mos. - isn't such a big fan of hugs and kisses until recently - and she really only "air kisses". And if I ask for a hug, she leans against me and just sort of shrugs her shoulders up in the air. My son - 4 mos. - has been super cuddly since he was born and LOVES to be snuggled - he tucks his head right under anyone's chin and doesn't like to be put down; his sister was never such a big fan of that much holding (unless she is upset, then we can't put her down). She is more prone to stranger anxiety and has to get her bearings in all new situations, but then she's off and playing and having a great time with everyone else. As she gets older it gets less pronounced; it's just her personality. I was like this, too, (and still sort of am! it takes me a while to warm up to new situations and I'm not at all touchy-feely), so maybe it's genetic! It used to bother me but now I'm more reassured that at least she won't be running off with any strangers.

Hi T.,
I have known to kids to be very sensitive and loving, others to be sensitive and not show affection very often and some to not need it as much as others. The old cliche "every kid is different" applies here as well. I would not be worried, as it looks like you offer plenty of affection for your daughter, which is very important for her to know- that you are there for her when she needs you. Let her unfold in her own way and at her own time. She loves you and has her own special way of showing it.
Good Luck
N.

T.,
Our little ones go through the weirdest emotional roller coasters. Someone recently recommended a book by Louise Bates Ames "Your One-Year-Old: The Fun-Loving, Fussy 12-To 24-Month-Old". I bought it, read it, and stopped panicking.
It's $12 well spent. Good luck.

My son didn't start giving me hugs (willingly) till after he was 2, and now it's hugs and kisses all over the place. As for crowded places, he was never comfortable if he the place was also strange to him. Malls were OK, but other places like loud parties were not. He is OK with it all now, I started explaining to him and he understands much bettter. I would say, it's OK it's just people talking loud, or it's just music playing loud... He started to pick up on the idea. We went to Disney this past winter (his B day), and he was freaked out from some of the stuff there, and when we came back he was extremely sensitive, but we worked through it by explaining the noise and he is fine now. Good luck

I'm not sure that age has any more to do with the cuddle factor than personality. Yes....she is much busier these days. I bet in a matter of weeks to months she'll be back in your arms for the quick kiss. My 4 yr old still likes the hugs and kisses, my 2 yr old.....well, he was NEVER a cuddly child (muchto my dismay). I do manage to steal a few a day but not often willingly! Enjoy!

It sounds like your sweetie just isn't a snuggler. Mind kind of is...but her only cousin wouldn't even allow anyone to snuggle her as a newborn! My daughter will give hugs...only if it's a "goodbye" situation, and I don't know why. My mother has kissed me once in the past 10 years that I can remember. (I was leaving for Hong Kong for two years.) She's not a snuggler, either. Everyone's got their ways of showing affection! I bet you'll appreciate it in about 15 years when she's dating. ;-)

Maybe you are a being a bit too sensitive, I think all people, toddlers and adults alike are different, some are affectionate and touchy feely and some are not and I dont think there's anything wrong with that. It sounds like she is okay with touching in many different ways on her terms which is very good so dont worry. You just cant expect her to ber as cuddly as you and your husband are or as much as you would like her to be. Personal space and boundaries are important to her I think that's okay. I see some kids who are like overboard with the kisses and hugs, they will like chase you down and sit on you trying to give you a hug and kiss. I say that's too much, I teach respect personal space in this situation. Your child seems like has a good balance.

hello Tyle
Now I dont want to alarm you about your toddler but I would definately recommend you see a paediatrician ASAP. I have twin four year olds who are currently on the autism spectrum due to some of the behaivours you are describing. They are quite responsive on some occasions and their language is delayed but if confronted with situations like shopping centres,loud noises etc they are very clingy. If you feel she is even slightly behind her peers seek help now. My children are now on a gluten free dairy free diet which has reduced lots of their symptoms. It started when they had their toddler immunizations and small or premature babies are more prone to this problem. Like I said dont freak out but seek help asap
ps there is lots of help on line regarding symptoms to look for but see a proffessional first.