Understanding

K., I am sorry that you are feeling so unhappy. Something I've learned over the years is that happiness is a choice, and no one else is responsible for your happiness. You need to make it happen.
If you are unhappy in your marriage, counselling can work if both you and your husband come in with a clear list of things that you'd like to work on, what your priorities are, and you need to each be willing to work on those things. You can't change everything at once. Work on the things that you can control.
Why have you given up everything to be a mom? Martyring yourself doesn't make you happy or a good mom. Good moms take time for themselves. Your identity changes when you become a mother, and you need to embrace the new identity and work with it. If you feel like you gave everything up, what did you have before that you want? A job? Plenty of us work with kids. Going out with your husband? Get a sitter every so often and go to dinner or coffee. Time with friends or going to the gym or working on a hobby? Same thing, hire a sitter, swap babysitting favors with another mom, line up your husband. Don't ask him to "watch the kids for you." Why are you fully responsible for the kids? I was never fully responsible, it was never assumed that the kids were always with me and that my husband could make whatever plans he liked. You need to make your weekly plan with friends or to take a crafting class or go running or whatever it is. Don't wait for him to say, "Hey, you could use a break, I'll keep the kids for the day." You need to tell him how it is. Speak about this in your counselling sessions.
I'm not sure how every friend you had moved away, but 9 years ago, I moved here to a new area where I knew no one. It felt isolating for the first year or so. Then I met other moms at Gymboree and preschool, one mom invited me to join her book club, I met other women and made friends. This is your responsibility. If you want friends, they're out there. Go find them rather than saying you're miserable because you have no friends. If you have kids in school and other activities, you must be running into other moms a lot, especially if you're an at home mom. You need to cultivate the friendships.
Good luck to you, K.. I hope that things work out for you!

You're not alone in this! When I was having issues with my husband after our son was born it was devastating b/c no one warned me how hard it would be. I am 34 years old and my husband and I have been married for over 5 years but we have pretty much been together since I was 18 years old, so its not like we didn't know each other. I still have MAJOR issues and feel like you do - BUT heres the thing...I talked to a counselor once - just me and I went into that conversation saying - my husband says "this, this and that about me" and while I do not agree with him, he is saying it so he must belive it...so it took ALL I HAD to stop looking at him for change and decided to change how I handle things...and I had to take a hard look at myself and be honest with myself to determine if any of what he was saying was true. OMG - do you know how hard that was? BUT it worked. I became sensitive to his feelings instead of just defensive (which is what he said I mostly was)in addition I learned how to take control of MY FEELINGS so that when he said or did something I didn't agree with I handled it differently. It really worked and I had the counselor work me through it. It is not easy to admit your faults and we always want to focus on our husbands faults...I am not saying everything is your fault - what I am saying is this...I can not change or control my husband, I can only change and control myself - and once I did that, everything else started to fall into place. NOW, we still have issues and I think HE could really do what I did and things would be even better, but thats out of my hands. So try and change your perspective...look at yourself and do what you can do make yourself happy and your relationship stronger...once you start doing that for yourself it changes the dynamics and hopefully everyting else will follow your lead! It is SO FRUSTRATING, SO HARD...but if you want your relationship to work you can do it! We have to take care of ourselves first before we cant take care of anyone else. Once my husband saw my changes, he DID change his ways too and instead of just fighting we took a step back and looked at it all differenlty so we could communicate our feelings but understand the other persons, b/c what it comes down to is we BOTH needed something and weren't getting it. Nothing else was working and it is STILL HARD but really when YOU take control of yourself, you really start taking controlling of it all! ; ) Hang it there. I swear there should be some serious phsychology classes and relationship counseling along with prenatal care! I also feel that he didn't sacrifice as much as me, he watches his sports, reads his papers, talk to his brother constantly, meanwhile I can barely go to the bathroom without interruption, well, we had a long conversation about that and we agreed I needed to GET A LIFE again and start doing things for myself...so that is something I work on constantly and let me tell - ME TIME is a MUST!!!! It helps me feel like an idividual again...its not always easy to find it but when I do I treasure it. SO instead of tryiing to keep him from doing things, then you just start doing your own things too! Theres nothing wrong with that! Again, you need to take control of yourself in order for everything else to balance.

how can you feel love for anyone when you don't love yourself? how can you teach your children they are imortant if you don't treat yourself like you are?? STOP feeling sorry for yourself and fix it! He goes out once a week fine...you can too!!! Join a health/book/mommy... club and get involved in your life! It sucks when your friends are faraway but who wants to be friends with an unhappy person? Take a chance on yourself...you're worth it...host a party, ask someone to go to lunch...and be honest..."Hey I know I don't know you that well, but I like you and I could use a girls day/night out?" You are responsible for the change you want in your life...I've been there...I had 3 kids in less than 3 years, we moved and I was lonely...I started to scrapbook and met ladies that way...now I have 5 kids 9 and under, we moved again and I had to start over again...no risk, no reward...you won't make friends with everyone, but by getting out there and doing things you highly increase the odds of meeting people...join the PTA if your kids are in school and volunteer...it helps! and my husband seems to be much more interested in me now that I'm back to being the independant woman he married and not his built in lover/babysitter...I have my life, he has his, and we have ours...not to mention I have wonderful relationships with my kids because I do a lot with them and we love to include our family friends...goodluck!!!be strong!!!

Hi K.. I just wanted to say that I do understand how you feel, not having any friends and stuff. I went to Russia 11 years ago as a missionary, met my husband there, fell in love, got married, had 2 kids and only this past September did we move back to the US "for good". We have been going through A LOT, financially...my husband couldn't even find a job for 6 months, trying to blend into this new world, for us as a couple and our family. We are completely starting over and though we have "friends" I mostly feel they are mostly aquaintances at this point. We've been away for so long that it's so hard to get inside social circles. I feel bad for my husband because he had so many friends in Russia, and now is basically probably in a position like you are. I am sharing all of this because there have been many times where we begin to argue and bicker or blame or whatever, but thankfully we have stopped those pretty quickly and just always come back to the fact that we are a family. We do love each other and need each other and we're not resolving anything by playing a blame game. He is my best friend and we have grown tremendously during this really tough time. I can relate to you though, if you are feeling like my husband does, isolated, not having any friends (it really is hard to make friends, even though we are REALLY trying). If I wasn't being supportive to him I can imagine our relationship crumbling. I think your husband probably needs to be a lot more sensitive to what you are going through.
Anyway, this is getting real long... :) I just wanted to suggest for you guys to get the movie FIREPROOF. There is a good book that goes with it called the "love dare" and I really think it's great because it gets your attention on the other person, how I can help them, serve them, make them feel loved. I truly believe that God can heal relationships. Without God in our life we wouldn't be where we are today. There was a show on Oprah this week about "recession proofing your marriage" but there were so many great points about why we need to FIGHT for our marriages. The family is under attack these days and so many times people just want to throw in the towel and walk away, but like they were saying on this show, we need to sometimes go back to the beginning and remember that we vowed for better or for worse. This might be your "for worse" that you have to get through. Obviously, it goes both ways and believe me...I'm sure your husband has a lot to do with your problems. I'm sure it's not all you, as you feel you are being blamed. get that movie and watch it together.
I hope it helps...I hope I helped you some. I'll be praying for you K.. God bless.

we only have control over ourselves. so, you can try some of the changes with an open heart. most often people respond to that. if not, then you must decide if the relationship is worth your efforts with what you feel is little return. if it is, then let it go. if not, then you and the kids might be better off alone.
mocxy

I'd say go to a new therapst. You also need to explain that you need time to take care of yourself. Maybe even have a certain time set aside that's "Mommy's time." Your hubby also need to learn to help out around the house, and you need to learn to ask him to help when you're starting to feel overwhelmed. Maybe you could come up with a trigger word to let him know you're feeling stressed and he needs to help.

I think the key to good marriage counseling is the therapist allowing each person to open up to express their needs (and everyone feels so alone then). Usually both husband and wife want to help each other, but may not know the other's needs (or the depth of them), or really be prepared (yet) to try to meet them.

However, if you are the one who has brought your husband to therapy, he may be defensive and the therapist maybe trying to win his confidence and cooperation. If he brought you, then maybe the therapist is not clued in yet. How long have you been going? Maybe be patient and see where this is going.

Also, express that you really want to fix things! Say this over and over --- both in session and at home. (Some people go to therapy to lead to break up and other to heal --- make it clear what your direction is. That will help!)

If your husband sees you trying to change (following the advice of the therapist), maybe he will try to change too. Maybe the therapist senses that you are willing, but he is not ready.

If you don't feel listened to after a while (by husband or therapist) rethink your strategy. First, realize that therapists are people too (and sometimes make social blunders, actually often do). Don't expect counseling to do miracles. That has to come from the heart of your own marriage---yourself and your husband. If things stay slanted, at some point your husband may realize the inequity and come to your defense (even if it is just at home).

At home, you can express optimism and say things like "I am trying to meet your needs, and I know now that you are trying to meet mine!" Give him positive feedback, tell him he is doing a good job --- at work, with the kids, etc. (This is good advice anytime!) He may see these things as supporting you, even if indirectly.

Also--- it TAKES TIME! Maybe go to the therapist for a while and see if you can express your loneliness so that he understands. But then stop going for a while (after a few months, or even weeks) to regain the privacy of your marriage. Also maybe tell your husband, "let's try this for a few months", else he might think the therapist is a new fixture in your lives.

If things do not improve, then maybe try another therapist. They have different styles and different tools that may work better at different points along the road.

Try to stay positive and optimistic! Things will get better because you are talking!

Life is too short. You need to speak up at counseling so that your feelings are heard. Problems in a relationship are never one persons fault. Everything is from an action and reaction and either one could be the problem. If you really want this to work, compromise must be on both sides. If your therapist does not help your husband see that, maybe you need a new therapist. Your kids feel what's happening. They don't understand or can't express it. So everyone is suffering except maybe your husband. You need to get out and do something for yourself periodically - pamper yourself, make new friends. Not doing this only adds fuel to your fire. I was in counseling like you and like you we had kids. My significant other could never seem to understand how I felt. Unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it, our relationship ended. You have to fight if you want this and whether it works or not sometimes you have to take care of you, you need some friends of your own - so start now.

Keep yourself busy. We can only be truely attractive to them, and balanced with them, when we are balanced within ourselves.
Also the counselor you use can make a big difference. If you get one that sees it your husbands way, that might not be for the best. We had a male counselor one time that layed it out for my husband and told him how unfair he was being...and we saved our marriage from divorce, and have gone on for another 6 years.

K.,

Counseling, on any level, takes time. It is not a quick fix. You know that. You have a lot of great advice here.

Give it time. If you are unsure about your counselor, however, switch. It is better to spend the time looking than to be with a counselor you do not trust.

Have you tried pastoral counseling? Whatever your faith, even if you have no church, there are counselors out there who are certified and licensed, doctors, etc, who remember that our vows were (well for most of us) taken under God's auspices.

Good luck, and I hope you work things out. It sounds like you really want to, and your husband too. That is MORE than half the battle.

Good luck,
M.

Hi K.-
I agree w. Jenn D re: taking control of your feelings- very important!! I've also found that most therapists actually don't get that. The whole psychotherapy thing is about feeling feelings, any feeling, that comes up- the theory being that any feeling that exists is legitimate. I spent 20 years chasing that pipe dream until I learned cognitive therapy tecnique, which is all about taking control through positive thinking and mind exercises- totally changed my life and is in the process of changing my marriage for the better.

Couples counseling for me was very ineffective. Perfect example- I would share my "feelings" about my husband constantly using credit cards to pay for gas and groceries. I pay the bills- both in terms of the work of actually doing it every month and I'm also the breadwinner. I hate paying for gas and groceries a month after consumption. First I told him how important it was to me, asked him to please adjust. He said OK, then proceeded to do the same thing. Then I appealed to logic and pointed out that hey, we have the cash, just use cash for that. Sure honey! But sure enough, the bills kept rolling in loaded w. gas and groceries. Then I pleaded with him- he just kept on keeping on. Then I pointed out that hey, I ask so little from him- I pay the bills and make the money, please try doing me a favor in return- he really didn't like that. On and on it went for 10 years I "felt my feelings" and shared them with him, thinking that would help. Finally I took control of something I could control- I cancelled all our credit cards- that is the only thing that worked.

If I listened to our couples counselor (and we've tried several) I'd still be in that same crappy situation sharing my feelings . I agree w. that other woman that happiness is a choice, but you can't sit in the same situation and just choose to be happy, you have to take action, whatever action you have control over.

Bottom line, just like you know your body better than your doctor does, you know your life, needs and spiritual path WAY better than your therapist and husband does. If something doesn't sit right and both your husband and your counselor seems against you on an issue, trust your gut, not them.

gosh K....your post was like reading ME. i think we, or at least majority of us, go through this and feel like this. i sure do. but i wouldn't go to counseling because i think we as moms are supposed to be at everyone else's schedule until kids grow up. the fact that we feel alienated from our husbands just comes with the territory. relationships need to be worked on constantly and how do you get to work on them when we're constantly tending to our kids, entertaining them, working with and for them, cooking, cleaning, teaching, disciplining? just not enough time or energy. at the end of the day, when kids are alseep, i don't want to 'work' on a relationship. i want to find a sport, get a book, and just read and have some quiet time. so i let it be. i wanted to be a mom and that's what i am doing.
as for the therapist suggesting you change things...well, maybe that is the reason why i don't suggest going to one. do i really need to change more things? change what? i'd change something, i'd change my body for a more energetic one. i'd change my MIL so she starts realizing she has two grandkids and a son and a daughter in law who would really love to get some help from her. yeah, there are things id' like to change but i don't get to. :)
hope you get a solution to what you're going through. just wanted to tell you you're not alone. you really aren't.
hugs