Uncertain How to Handle This Situation

Have a meeting with him to discuss the expectations. If he flakes on pick up, he can't live there, so irresponsible for a young man. You aren't asking for much.

Frankly, I would be MORE stressed out by wondering if my nephew was remembering to get my kid or not. I would just let it go and not worry about any of it. Let him live there the next 3.5 months, don't worry about his classes or picking up your kid and collect the monthly rent. It seems like he's more worry than it's worth. JMO. Good luck.

It would help if you could clarify exactly who you discussed the ground rules WITH. Did you and your sister set up the whole thing between yourselves and then told nephew what was going to happen? Was he included in any of the discussions about expectations at the time they were being hammered out? Is it possible he feels awkward, being family but not quite, and not sure how/when he is *supposed* to be involved/checking in, etc?

I think the missed class on the first day is a bad indicator. And the fact that he didn't graduate on time b/c he missed this one class b/c he "forgot" to take it? Sounds pretty irresponsible at this stage of the game. And makes me wonder how much his parents/mom have done to get him this far... including arranging this 3.5 month living situation with you.

I'd be willing to bet that you and your sister set it all up, figured it all out, and then she told him what was going to happen. With basically no input from him.
If that's the case... maybe you should sit down and talk to your nephew directly? Hey, Jimmy, I know your mom and I did all the planning with this arrangement, but I wanted to talk to you directly, too. For this to work for everyone, we need to be on the same page. I don't want you to feel unwelcome here, b/c you ARE welcome. We are glad to be able to help you out in this temporary situation you are in, getting this class knocked out. But that doesn't mean that there aren't expectations on both sides that we all need to meet for this to work.

ASK him what HIS expectations are. If he has any requests or ideas that might make things smoother. HOW he would like to communicate best? Sticky notes on the refrigerator? Leave him to his own devices unless he comes downstairs? Text him? What? Maybe he just wants to be left alone, except for dinner. Or maybe he doesn't want to eat with you at all. ETc.

Be sure he understands that picking up your son is an integral part of what makes the arrangement work for you. There are downsides for you, and this pick up arrangement is what counterbalances the drawbacks on your side. His winning personality aside. ;)

First, why isn't he working? He should have some type of part-time job if he is only going to school for 1 class. THAT should be his priority.

Second, was he aware of the "couple of days a week" childcare he was to provide for you and your husband. I ask because your sister is paying rent. You and your sister may have made those arrangements, but were they relayed to him? I would ask him directly. You care getting rent AND free child care? Sounds like you are getting a pretty good deal there. Again, talk to your nephew. Find out if he was aware of the childcare stipulation. If he wasn't, then that is between you and your sister.

Third, if he can't get his butt up and go to school, that is HIS problem, not yours. However, at the end of 3.5 months, I would say to nephew and sister, "bye bye" if you are so inclined.

In the end, I'm not sure I would want him picking up my child. He has a hard enough time taking care (or not) of himself, let alone a kid. Again, its not like you are out money. You are making money with the rent. Remember that.

I guess I'm confused on him paying rent and buying his own food AND being expected to help. I would think it's one or the other.

I am close enough with my niece (and soon to be nephew) that I would have an honest and quick conversation about it. Your kids will learn from what they see your nephew getting away with.

No, you are not his mother or his parental figure....but would his parents be okay with him missing school? Not doing what his mom volunteered him to do? I would also not be too shy to tell my brother/sister that it isn't going to work if all terms aren't met most of the time. It's so early on though...talk t o him and see what happens from there.

Just about every hurt feeling, confrontation, bad attitude and disappointment in life stems from unexpressed expectations.
How clear were you with your sister and your nephew about picking up your kids from school and on what days ?
Because you need to be CLEAR about what is expected from him.
You don't say " we need you to pick up Timmy a few days a week."
You say " Brian we would like you to pick Timmy up at school Monday Wednesday and Friday, does that work well with your class?"
I also agree it's not your job to monitor his school attendance.
and he was grocery shopping just not where your husband told him to go . I don't see the big deal with that.
Sounds like all of your upset has to do with him picking up your son so be clear about what you want!

I think that at 22, you need to have a sit down with him about his end of the bargain. Go over what's expected of him in your home for the duration of his class. If he feels these terms are unacceptable or he fails to follow them, then give him a timeframe for finding other accommodations. Yes, he is family, but no, you don't owe him a blank slate. My stepson drove me crazy when he was about that age and didn't seem to contribute (or want to) to the family. Things are much improved now that he's on his own. We asked him, for example, to either be home by midnight or stay out all night, as we both had to be up early for work and his coming home at 3 AM just didn't work for us. It wasn't a curfew per se. It was understanding that he was choosing to live in a household with working adults and a child.

You aren't overstepping when you ask another adult to keep to the terms agreed to when he moved in. You're probably worried how your sister will react, but she asked a favor. When you ask a favor, you don't get to be picky. Even though he's paying you rent, if helping was part of it, then help he should. You shouldn't monitor his classes, or his general comings and goings like if he were a teen, but nor would I extend this offer if he fails the class. I'd make it clear that the lease is only til x date, as agreed to.

If one of the conditions of his moving in was that he pick up your son, he needs to be held to it or moved out.
His class attendance, or lack thereof, is not your concern.

If it were me, before he moved in we (him, me, hubby, his parents) would have s sit down discussion of our expectations, behavior and being responsible in MY house. Then, I would have a contract which would be binding in case he broke the agreement, you get him out.. Everyone knows the agreement upfront.

You have a younger child in the scenario. One huge rule I would have would be no alcohol, tobacco, go to class on time, pass all classes and no girls in his room. He is setting an example here that your younger one will be watching closely.

Now that he is moved in, it sounds as if he is not following through on agreements you had before he moved in, especially with school pick up and going to class.

This is a tough one because you are dealing with family and this type of thing brings a lot of strife in families.

True.... you are not his mother, however, you are raising your child in your home and you do not want your child picking up on his bad habits and not being responsible. You did this for your nephew with a big heart and welcomed him in. You are saving him rent money and providing a safe clean place to live for FREE. He owes you the respect to be a good, responsible houseguest.

Anyone living in your home should abide by your house rules or get out.

Decide what you are willing to put up with, and then lay down the law. His school should be his business -- at his age you should not be micromanaging his school attendance. But you should lay down the laws of your home, and what you expect from him as a member of your household. I am not giving an opinion on whether I think you should expect him to chauffeur or not -- that is up to you, and as an adult he can agree to your terms or live somewhere else.

Your nephew is not a baby. If he can't abide by the terms he agreed to, kick him out. Give him a warning, and tell him that staying with you is conditional, and that if he agrees to something, he must follow through. Tell him that if he can't do that, he must move out.

It will not be doing him any favors to allow him to be a flake. He needs to get his act together fast, because real life is upon him. Jobs don't allow people to not show up.

Don't feel mean about it, just calmly tell him the rules. If in about two weeks he shows that he is unreliable, it's time for him to move out.

The money you receive for your nephew boarding with you I would take a portion of it to pay for someone to pick up my child and not worry about the nephew "not" remembering.

When the three months or so are up, he would be terminated. He can go back home and face the music of why he did or did not go to class and get a grade.
You are not there to monitor his behavior and get he up to go to school he is 19 and an "adult".

Do speak to your sister about his actions and let her know. Next time don't be so eager to take in a family member that is not born into the immediate family as it causes problems as you are finding out.

My best to you.

the other S.

The classes stuff isn't your responsibility so I'd ignore that. I skipped classes sometimes too. I would say you won't house him another semester but then leave it to him. And then since you say he's paying rent, unless it was negotiated that the rent is less bc he is providing "nanny" duties, I'd let that go too. It's not worth the fight for 3.5 months. I'd tell him that bc he's not acting like a member of a family though, meals and all those types of conveniences will be off the table (if they were on). I'd treat him like a boarder then and maybe with the rent money you could find someone to pick up your son. 22 year old boys I think can be quite selfish. Or maybe today was an isolated incident. Hopefully it was and he you can work pick-ups out. See what he has to say about it.

It's 3 1/2 months and he's 22.
I don't think you can expect him to do anything for your family.
He's not going to run errands or pick up/drop off on any sort of regular schedule - so just don't depend on him - save yourself a headache.
He's not a live in nanny that takes a class on the side.

In college, there's often more than one class being taught and even though you're assigned to a particular class, it's common to show up at alternate lecture times to better fit your schedule (you just go to your real class for exams).

At 22 - it's NOBODYS job to hold his hand, wake him up, check his schedule, etc.
Since it's your home he needs to respect other peoples need for sleep (no partying till all hours of the night), etc.
When his 3 1/2 months is done - he's gone - whether he's completed his class/degree or not.

You guys are having a clash of family life vs college life.
You are not having a meeting of the minds - and he is just not into what you expect of him.
If he's going to a local college, he should already know where the local shopping is.
If he's going else where an hour or so away - you can bet there's a girlfriend involved and he's off somewhere having sex.
He's 22 - he can vote and drink and have sex and get married and/or join the military without parental consent.
That's kind of the definition of 'adult'.
But that doesn't mean he's a responsible adult - and he's got a few things to learn in that department.
You just need to realize it's not your job to teach him.

This can work if you get your expectations straight (basically just don't expect anything from him).
You just take in the rent and move him out in 3 1/2 months - that's all.

Who agreed that he would do these things. Sounds like his mother agreed and not the sun. Perhaps his mother told him to do this. Unless you talked directly with him, telling him that this is a requirement of living there and hearing his agreement, he has no obligation to help yout in these ways. Because you are receiving money for the use of the room, I suggest he doesn't feel he needs to help. He's a renter.

If you want him to do certain things talk with him about your understanding of the agreement. Ask him why he isn't helping. Together write out a contract that states the agreement made by him and ask him to sign it.

He's 22 and should be in charge of his life. Why did his mother ask for him to stay with you? Did you have a discussion with him during which HE agreed to do these things? If you didn't make this agreement with him, I understand his lack of cooperation.

If doing those things is a condition of him staying with you and he knows it, I would tell him that you'll give him one more chance. Talk together as I described above. If he doesn't cooperate, I'd tell him he has to move.

He is an adult. Your description of how this came to be suggests to me that his mother is continuing to plan for him. Did he even want to take this class? If graduating were important to him he would've found a way to finish the class. I suggest you're dealing with passive aggressive behaviour. He doesn't want to be managed by anyone. When you ask him to do something he says he will to prevent arguing/open disappointment/whatever he's avoiding. To succeed in getting his help you need for him to understand what and why you're asking as you develop a personal relationship with him.

You've gotten lots of good answers regarding sitting down and having a very clear and focused talk with him about the child pickups etc.

I would only add one thing on the topic of how you're not responsible for monitoring his class attendance etc.: True, you are certainly not responsible for that nor should you ever be; however, if you see a pattern that indicates he might be blowing off classes, that could mean he will--at the end of this purported "3.5 months"--end up still living in your attic as he says, "Oh, I just need to stay another few months to finish a project/class/whatever." You can see where that could lead.

Sounds like everyone needs to discuss not only what responsibilities he is willing and able to take on for your child care needs, but also what the firm and fixed end date of his residency will be.

I'd be seriously evaluating what your relationship with his parents is like, and how it could be affected if he flakes on this class as he did on the previous one that he "forgot." Is your sister as clear as YOU are on the fact that you're not going to monitor his class attendance or studying? I would want to be crystal clear with her that you're not in the parental or academic advisor role here and are happy to have him around but there is a time limit.

Hi My answer depends a bit on what he is paying for rent compared with room rates for college students in your area.

I suspect he sees this as "I'm paying rent and I'm an adult. So I'm on my own, and not accountable." He may see the childcare aspect as a favor to you that he does when it's convenient, not an obligation. And if he's paying rent equivalent to what he would pay if he were formally renting a basement apartment from a landlord, I would agree with him.

If you are giving him discounted rate in term of rent because you were considering the childcare as part of the payment, then you need to be explicit about saying so. And you could give him the option: We proposed rent of $XX because we thought you were contributing through childcare. But if you don't want to contribute by providing reliable childcare, we are going to have to raise your rent to $XX, which is the going rate for a furnished 1-bedroom apartment.

As for oversleeping for class, etc, that is not within your purview. When I was a college student, the only person in charge of making sure I went to class was me. It's part of learning responsibility, and it sounds like he needs that.

Alternatively, you just forget the school pickup because it causes more stress than its worth and you consider this a 3 month favor to your sister.

Agree with OnePerfectOne.

When you say "It was always talked about that he would help us..." that sounds a bit loose .. if he's going to be accountable for picking up your son, it needs to be set in stone. So I would talk to your nephew to make sure he can be relied upon.

As for him missing classes, he is old enough to get himself to school on time. I wouldn't get involved in that.

Good luck :)

Put his responsibilities in writing. Have him sign it. Include a description of what happens if he doesn't meet his obligations.

Tom will pick up Danny at school five days a week, at this address, at this time. If he is unable to make it, he must provide 24 hours' notice. In an emergency, he will call this number. An emergency is defined as a sudden illness or injury that requires immediate medical attention or mechanical issues causing the vehicle not to function. All emergencies will be verified by a medical provider or mechanic on request. If at any time Tom fails to pick up Danny at the assigned time and location, Mrs. M will consider that notice that Tom will vacate the residence at (address) in no more than seven days.

TALK to him. He may not intuitively understand how much you were counting on his assistance. I wouldn't worry about the school stuff, that's between him, the school and his parents. However, in my little talk with him, I would make it clear what you've observed and that his welcome in your home does have an expiration date and you won't be changing that date because he doesn't earn his credits and has to attend for another semester. That will be his cross to bear.

If, after you talk to him, he continues to flake on the school pick-up, then I would tell him that he now has to pay rent so you can hire someone to pick kiddo up. You might mention to him that that's the plan when you talk to him. Everyone has to pay their way in life. Good life lesson.

So he's paying rent to stay there & you also require he do something else for you, like pick up, as your only reason to let him stay?
Weird

Maybe you should try to look at letting him stay with you this little bit of a time while he finishes college as something generous you could do without expecting anything in return for it? Might be better all the way around.

Sit down and talk at a time when all are rested and focused.

Some people are not auditory learners - they are visual. So talk it out, but then write it down like a contract! It doesn't have to be filled with legalese, but it does have to be clear, and there have to be consequences. Maybe he doesn't appreciate what you did for him - but maybe he has no clue that you busted your behind working on a space that he didn't ask form. Maybe your generosity created a sense that he is independent and in his own apartment. Maybe he thinks he's not supposed to be a part of the family. On the other hand, maybe he's a selfish and entitled kid. Hard to know from a distance.

Every kid, even at this age, needs consequences. Whether he goes to class is his own business, not yours. If he flunks out, he flunks out. But picking up your kid is not negotiable. If he has a cell phone, he can put alerts and reminders into it, with more than one alarm if needed. See to it. Otherwise tell him that, if it's not going to work out, he should go back to his parents' house.

Recognize that he's not an adult yet. He might be old enough to vote, but his brain won't be fully formed until age 25 or so, including the ability to predict consequences. Some kids are just too taken with their freedom and not with their adult responsibilities. This really is an in-between time for people his age.

There is NO overstepping of bounds. You need to change your mindset here, C.. You are NOT a dorm. You have told him what is expected of him and the duties are the SAME as the rent. It's a package deal and he is expected to stick to the agreement in order to stay with you. Don't look at this like he's a "renter". He's not. You don't need a renter. You are doing him and his family a favor. You have EVERY RIGHT to expect him to do whatever you have asked him to do in order to stay there, which in this case, is to go get your son from school. Don't be at a loss here. Sit him down and tell him that he is not a teenager - he is 22 years old.

Look, I have a 22 year old and if he pulled this stunt with someone, I would tell his aunt or friend or whoever was trying to help him out to tell my son the same thing, and I would let my son have it myself. (By the way, neither my 20 year old OR my 22 year old, soon to be 23, would do this, I promise you.)

Sit this kid down and tell him what's what. And don't mince words! Don't beat around the bush. Tell him that if he cannot do what you all agreed upon that he needs to find another place to live. And tell him that you will be explaining the same thing to his parents. And when you talk to his parents, tell them that he has to learn this lesson so that he won't get fired from future jobs. If he would do this to you, he would do it to a future employer.

You should also tell him that if he fails his class because he doesn't get up on time, that he can't just assume that you will extend these living arrangements. He needs to know that he doesn't automatically have a place to stay in your home...

Edited to add - I just want to point out that this young man is not actually paying the rent. His parents are paying the rent. He is taking ONE CLASS. Not working. He doesn't get to pull the "but I'm paying rent card" with you, C.. He needs to be responsible. If you don't make him be responsible in your home, how is going to learn to be? Hold him to it...

It's not your issue if he goes to class or not. You've provided him a place to live no matter if he goes or not. Period. You're receiving rent and he is responsible for his own actions. You are not his parent and have no say in his business.

As for the issues of him not being where he's agreed to be that is a big one.

Perhaps putting up a large calendar in a main area of the house with his responsibilities in large letters or a bright color that is louder than the others and a verbal prompt from kiddo that he'll see cousin when he gets out of school will remind the young man to be at the school.

I'd also have the school call nephew when he doesn't show up and then kiddo is left at the school until he picks him up, even if he's in a different town. How will he learn if he gets away with it.

If he continues to forget, well, is that part of the deal with his parents? That he has to work for you on these days as a babysitter/taxi to stay there? If so then you might ask them what to do. That their son is not keeping up his part. If it wasn't part of the deal and nephew is only doing it to help out then maybe you need to rethink the idea of him doing this chore. Perhaps you need to arrange a parent in the class/neighbor to bring son home after school or pay for after school care until you can get home from work. After school care here is only $11 per day so it's very affordable.

Helping out family can really put a big burden on things. How did he respond to not showing up for the showing of the pick up procedure? Did he forget or just not care? It doesn't sound like he is super responsible. So either you lower your expectations and as long as it doesn't become a financial burden and he cleans up after himself he is more of a roommate than help. Or sit him down and make a calendar with him, take him when he is home to show him what to do for pick up. Even if its not the end of school. Tell him its important that he is there so little tommy doesn't get forgotten and scared. I wouldn't worry about him sleeping in. That's on him. Its only for a few months.