Need Help in Talking with Sister to Get Her to Move Out

T.~
I understand what you are going through. I had a similar experience with my younger brother that finally ended this year. He has had a problem with alcohol and minor drugs for the past 5 years or so and finally made the choice to stop. It was a difficult road and a lot of my family turned their backs. My fiance and I allowed him to move in with very low "rent" (at the time we were not finacially able to support someone else) to be used to help pay for extra bills, gas and food. Basically he lived with us for about a year and a half and not much had changed. I finally gave him an ultimatum...either he makes the changes that he told us he wanted to make of himself or he moved out. I explained to him that I am not forcing him to change nor am I saying that I don't care for him, but if he is making the choice to live that way he needs to live it somewhere else bc it was effecting my daughter and the relationship between my fiance and I. I gave him a month to decide and/or find a new place to live. At first he was angry and I think felt a little ashamed, but after about 2 weeks he told me that he wanted to be an adult and would like to stay. I laid down a strict set of rules (no drinking, curfew, no friends etc) and wrote up a lease/contract type of thing that we both signed. It outlined not only the rules, but also what the consequences would be if they were not followed. I felt a little bad dictatiging a 22 year old but I wanted him to realize I was serious and very clear with the expectations. It worked!
He lived with us for about another 6 months and although we did have a few arguements we are still VERY close and get along fine. He is now almost debt free, has his own place and doing very well. While we were talking on Christmas he actually told me he is glad that I did what I did.
Sorry this is so long :) Just wanted to reassre you that it may take time, but in the end your sister will see you were doing what is best not only for your husband and 2 children but also for her. Good luck and God bless :)
K.

T.,

You have some great advice so far. Your sister reminds me of my best friend from high school, who might as well be my sister. She was also adopted and is still struggling in life at 35 years of age. She has lived with me a few different times and I have given her loans and financial advice several times. Now that we live in two different states, I can see things I didn't see before. I think my friend struggles with Attachment Disorder...maybe...not knowing your sister and her situation...may too. My friend very easily takes advantage of others even when she doesn't think that she is. I think it was a coping skill from when she was a toddler and had to do what she could to survive. But, just because I can see the why, doesn't mean it is right and I have the choice to say no.

Anyway, even if your sister means well and you want to continue to help her, keep it in check and don't let it burden your family. Your job as a mother is to care for your kids, and your job as a wife is to care for your husband. They come first. If you have extra to give (whatever that is) and you want to, then do it.

Right now, it sounds like she is a burden to your family. And, most people need to fall on their own faces before they will pick themselves up. I agree with other posters, keep it calm and don't feel quilty for putting your family first. You are not really helping her by letting this go on, so treat her like one of your kids. Say it with love and be consistent. You wouldn't let one of your kids do something harmful to themselves or others without putting your foot down, with love.

Even if she wants to be a spoiled brat about it and not talk to you for a while (even years), you did the right thing for your family and for HER. And as another person said, you may even get a thank you for it...down the road.
Good luck, stay strong and calm, and say what you need to with love.

hmmmmm-kinda looks like you need to just let her read what you just wrote.....copy it an give it to her...

I read what the other posters wrote and they sound pretty good. Only thing I would add is . . . . it is important to state "I" or "We" statements rather than "you" statements. It helps not place blame on your sister. Not that she isn't to blame but when "you" statements are used - people tend to get defensive. A couple examples are - "We have decided that it would be best if we . . . " instead of "You are not . . . "

You need to set a time aside when you are not frustrated with her to talk to her. Plan a head and have documentation of your concerns. The thing you should have done in the begining was to have a signed agreement. I know this sounds so impersonal but even with family this is a good idea with both sides. You need to point out what you had agreed upon when she moved in and what she hasn't done. Have some goals in mind for her to accomplish for her to stay in your house. If these goals are not met then tell her she will have to find other arrangements due to the well being of your family environment. She should understand if you give her options. Good luck.

I had a relative live with me this summer, and before he moved in, I wrote up a contract that both he and I signed. It put into writing my expectations for him living under my roof: the time he was expected to be home each evening unless he was working, no drugs or excessive alcohol, the chores he was expected to do, yadda yadda.

I would suggest doing the same for your sister. Sit down with her and tell her that you let her move in so that she could better her life, and that it would be best for everyone involved if you put what you agreed to into writing. Be specific--don't just say "help me clean". Say instead, "Clean the bathrooms on Mondays and Fridays", "Do the supper dishes each night", that sort of thing. If she's serious about turning her life around, she'll sign your contract and get her act together. A contract will make her accountable.

If she balks at the idea of a contract, or signs it and then doesn't stick to it, there's your ammo for asking her to move out. It sounds like if she was behaving herself that you would be OK with her living with you, so give her this "last chance" to get it together.

T.,
First of all, I am so sorry to hear about this difficult situation. I am sure it makes you sad to not have the relationship you wish you had with your sister.
Having said that, she has a lot of growing up to do. You will be doing more for her if you give her a push to get out and start doing that.
It sounds like this is deeper than you suspect. She is dealing with lots of issues (choosing between 2 families, choosing between becoming a responsible adult vs. borderline alcoholism, depression?, maybe even a personality disorder).
It is hard but I think you can focus on what your needs are in the conversation, that it is not working out for your family, focus on your feelings. Perhaps some family counseling will help this situation. If she is willing to go and you feel up to it, give her a chance. If she refuses, then I think it would be best for her to leave.

I really think you need to sit down with her and your husband and point out all the problems going on, the partying, the lack of paying bills and especially lack of help. It may hurt her feelings for awhile, but I'm sure she will get over it, if she really loves you. You might also check into getting her into an efficiency apartment at a very reasonable price and that might help. She really needs to be on her own. You are not her parents and your family really needs to come first. The old saying goes, "There has never been a home built big enough for two families". Good luck, it won't be easy and she may be very upset at first, but make her realize that she is a grown-up and needs to do her own thing; you are not her parents.

I would sit her down (with your husband) and nicely tell her that you guys want her to move out. Explain to her that you don't feel she is holding up her end of the bargin and it's just to much for you. The key is to remain CALM, that way if she gets upset she'll still respect you when she calms down.

Happy New Year T.!

Be blunt with your sister and give a definite time frame for moving, ie; you must be completely moved out by February 1st because we are making that room into a play room for the children, or a home office for you, or for whatever reason you decide. Tell her that you love her and that you always will but it is time to move because your husband and your children come first and her being there has begun to wear on your own finances and such. Tell her bluntly that January 31st will be the last day she will be allowed in the house and you'll have to take back your house key at that time. Also let her know that you and your husband will be happy to help move her belongings to wherever but she has to be completely moved out so on February 1st you can repaint the room and start decorating it for the kids, or the home office etc.

I too had/have a sister that did the same exact thing but this sister was 3 yrs OLDER than me. It ended up with us in a screaming match and telling her she had 30 days to get her stuff out or I was throwing it out. I had tried the nice way, I tried to help her find a job, I tried everything I could but she was quite happy being a freeloader and it wasn't fair to me, my children or my boyfriend.

Good luck - just remember, the best thing you can do for your family AND your sister is to NOT be her provider any longer.

Best wishes for a relaxing New Year :-)
D.

I would sit down and have a talk with her - and write it down in a letter and just hand it to her. Make it really factual - i.e., this was our agreement, xyz, and our agreement isn't being followed. Therefore, it either needs to change or end. You "helping" her isn't going to help her in the long run. Forget the whole adopted thing - it really isn't relevant and can cloud your judgment. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but always remember what Ann Landers said - "no one can take advantage of you without your permission"!

I have a sister who has been a drain on our whole family. My brother and I have loaned her money and she moved back home with my parents who were paying her bills and supporting her. It put a lot of strain on the whole family. She had some other issues but I think my mom finally realized she had to use some tough love and told her she had to leave. Fortunately, it seems as though my sister has gotten some help and is on a better path. I think you need to use tough love and make her leave...she'll have to figure it out on her own. You have a family and relationship to take care of. Chances are the only reason she came around in the last 2 years is because you would give her what she needed and she wore out her welcome with her other family. I know it is not easy but again, you need your sanity and to take care of yourself and your family, not her.

In my experience, if she wanted to get her life together, she would have been doing it. She doesn't want your advice or aid in straightening out her life, she wants a free ride. Personally, I would just give her a deadline to get out, offer one time to help her find an apartment, then pay her first months rent. After that she is on her own. But if you want to try again to hep her, then you need to sit down and write a contract. Things to include:

1) Rent paid to you, which would be used to pay off her debts.
2) A schedule of her duties around the house. Examples: cook dinner on M/W/F, clean the bathroom on T/Th, babysit the kids so hubby and you can go out every other Saturday.
3) Curfew and rules about drugs and alcohol use.
4) Consequences if she doesn't follow the contract : 30 day notice to move out.
No one has taught her how to be a responsible adult and as her sister it really is not your role to do so. But by asking for your help she has put you in a very awkward position. The only way out is to have clear expectations and consequences written down upfront.

I would say you just need to explain all of that to her. Pick an evening and maybe have your husband andkids out of the house so you and she can just talk. Explain that you love her and want to help but not at your own expense. Chances are she knows that she is using you and is going to do it until she gets called on it. Just try not to loose your temper and practice what you want to say before hand, maybe even make a list of your main problems with the situation. Make sure you and your husband discuss what you want to happen before hand, do you want her to move out, start paying rent, or whatever your solution is.

I'm not sure if it's not too late for this,but it's what I
might try if things aren't too far escalated.Call a meeting ahead of time.Make sure it is at a good day and time for yourself,your sister,and your husband.Make sure you have agood hour or more when things are calm,not at all rushed.You may want to try to have your children dropped off at Granma's orT neighbor's.Each of you could write down topics for discussion ahead of time.The more organized you can be about this the smoother your talk will go.(hopefully!)With tomorrow being the first day of a brand new year,there couldn't be a better week to"clear the air".
Now as far as what to say I think this will come to you as you write down your thoughts.You don't want it to sound
rehersed,but yet you want to be compassonate,and yet without bitterness.So working together to revise your failing plan has become neccessary.I personally feel that if she stays,she pays.Even if she thinks she is paying you and you are putting away funds in an account.So I guess this is the biggest decision is if she is to stay or not? If so,what time frame will you give her, and how much she will pay.I think the first thing you need to help her realize the hard way is that nothing is FREE.It sounds like you are saying that she does not have appreciation for what you and your husband have done for har and she has taken your kindness for granted.If there is no going back on this one,you may need to just tell her she has 2days to pack,and
that you are sorry but it's just how it needs to be.Or if it's not quite that bad, you can tall her that you're willing to give her one last chance and lay out all of your very clear expectations before you give her the final boot.

We had a similar situation with one of my husband's really close friends, my son's godfather, right after my son was born. He would go back and forth with getting his act together and helping us out and then falling back on old ways... it's hard when they are in your house and a part of your family... But you need to tell her that she hasn't kept up her end of the deal, you love her but you are dissapointed that you couldn't help her, and it's time for her to find another way to try to fix her life.

Good Luck.