Troubles with Child, Managing, Coping, .life Changes

I can only hope that to know you are not alone will help you feel a bit better. I have been there (my son is almost 9 months) with the in-laws, no family to help and a husband who thought I didn't work. Here's what helped me:

First, I went to the doctor and found that I was depressed and needed antidepressants (they seem to be helping). Second,we went to marriage counseling. We still have some issues between us and the in-laws, but it helps to get a unbiased opinion from a third party. Then, we joined a gym, if only so I could utilize the free 2hrs of childcare to a)take a shower ALONE without worrying, b) get some exercise to make me feel better about myself image and c) just sit in the spa to relax...oh and sometimes I just sit with my ipod and do sodoku puzzles in the lobby!! Finally, I joined a mother's group and am starting to make some friends of my own, and it helps to talk with other mom's...getting out for coffee and finding out that they, too, think they are horrible first time mothers and are doing the best they can, as well...and that is all we can do!

I hope that you find a bit of something you can take away from my experience and find the peace you seem to need. Just know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! :)

Hi K.,

I understand some of what you are going through. In regards to your stress levels, I would suggest that you maybe find a "part-time" job. One in which you could put your dauther into a child care center, pre-school set up (even though she is young sometimes there are programs starting at that age), or maybe even just finding a playgroup type thing for her. You could take you daughter there a couple hours a day.. or a couple days a week while you work. Every child needs time away from their mothers and fathers and every child needs time to socialize with other children. Just as every mother needs time away from her children and her husband. So even if you decided not to go back to work, find a hobby outside of the house away from your daughter and your husband. For me, I scrapbook as a hobby once a week with my mother. I used to drop my son off and then go paint pottery with friends. It is important for you to keep your hobbies, make friends, and still have interaction with other adults. I think that this would help your stress levels.

Also, I think that for your daughter's temper tantrums, simply put her into her bedroom when she throws her fits. Pick her up and set her on her bed or into a time out chair. Just be consistant about it. My son threw HORRIBLE fits when he was about 2. However, he would slam his head into walls and floors and things like that. I had to sit him in my lap and put my arms over his arms and my legs over his legs and rock him until he calmed down. It was a very very hard thing to do. Half the time I was silently crying with him as i did not understand why he was so upset or would go to those lenghts. Two is a very challenging age!!! You will make it through this! Stay strong be confident, and be consistant.

About your struggles with your husband, keep encouraging him. maybe they should just start out with one activity a day, maybe he could read a bedtime story. I am not too experienced with this. I have been a single mother doing it on my own until recently. But in our household, my boyfriend reads a story to my son before bed, or they play a game together. This doesn't always work out every single night. But the effort is worth it. Your daughter will behave better for her father if he finds a way to spend time with her. Even her overall behavior could improve from simply spending sometime with dad. It needs to be a joint effort. If you want him to stay calm, you will have to stay calm with him! I know that is hard sometimes, but if you have to, walk away. You also have to let your husband find his own way of dealing with your daughter. If he feels as if everything he does is wrong because he gets frustrated or angry and then you get upset with him, he will eventually stop trying. So just keep encouraging him and try to let him figure it out!

And remember, find some time for you! Good luck. I hope I have helped.

G.

I know how it feels. It feels like you are doing everything and nobody seems to care. Don't worry. Keep your chin up and hang in there. If you have no where to turn to, have you thought about counseling with you and your partner? I feel it's a great way to get things balanced, especially if you have a child that is a handful. I hope things will get better for you.

Hi!
Unfortunately I can't say much to help you. All I can say is I feel the same way. I am a single mother and I HAVE to rely on my parents to help take care of my daughter. I don't like relying on them (I hate to say it, but I don't trust them...they have been mean to me in the past). Yesterday I was sick and around my parents. I just wore done and no one noticed my Mom just kept repeating things like 'You're right next to Shyla why don't you do something with her' Instead of noticing that I wasn't capable of doing much, and if I told her I felt bad, then boy would I have heard it! So ya, I don't know where to turn either. I HAVE COUNSELING...and that doesn't help, that makes me have more work to do, it's a break I want, it's someone to notice this is hard on me, someone to help, and someone to help me when I have an emergency, but not one is there. That probably doesn't give you any encouragement, but perhgaps seeing someone feels the same way you do will relieve the guilt.

Wow, isn't this the truth about being a Mom sometimes! Honestly, I have no answers for you, and in fact, if you find the answer, please let me know. All I can say is that once in awhile it is just good to talk to someone who is in the same boat; someone who understands completly how you feel. I never would have guessed that having children would have altered life so much, and no one will understand what you mean better than another Mother. I just had my second daughter, and I feel like I no longer have a personality, I'm just Mom. It is very overwhelming most of the time and difficult to keep an upbeat attitude, but you just have to, because that is what being a Mom calls for. Moms are the toughest people ever, and I never would have known that until I became one. Just hang in there and try to find comfort in the fact that you are surely not alone.

I think you might benefit from getting a job--it's easy to become discouraged about everything when you're home most of the time and not getting out in the world enough. You need to spend time around other adults, esp other women who have kids and deal with what you're going through. It may be a tough transition, but even a part-time job might be good. It would give you some time away from your daughter which would end up making you enjoy your time together even more. She would benefit from being around other kids and other adults. And it would give you some independence--this feeling of losing yourself is not something you should ignore--you should get out in the world a bit and learn more about yourself. Your daugter and husband will be fine, and they may even improve over time with you being more happy.

K.,
Stop, sit, inhale a deep slow breath and exhale through your nose slowly... Calm yourself down... Your gonna explode if you dont!
I have been married 25 years this November 21st and I have been exactly where you are except I have boy's! and they all came quick in our marriage, here is what I have had to do on more than (many more than) one occasion.
First, evaluate "why" your looking for work, it sounds like you are already maxed and work doesnt always provide breathing space, some times it actually creates more trouble, physically, emotionally, in the marriage and financially.
Second no more "telling" your husband what he needs to do, he knows and for some reason is choosing not to. Next time your daughter starts what gets him yelling try to be the person handling the problem, if he gets started first let him do his thing, dont try to correct him (unless you thing the baby can be physically harmed) then when things calm down, walk by him run a finger down his cheek or kiss him and tell him Thank you for helping with that and let it go, just keep trying to be the one that handles her.
Third, count on not having help around the house and somehow try to find joy in taking care of it on your own, make it something you can be proud of.
Fourth, the mother in law... "I am smileing sweetly (more sarcasticly)" as I type here... ha I dont even know where to begin! oh well try to see less of her, ignor hurtfull things, plan invited occaisonal dinners or something and with mine it helped cut back the other visits. I would say move farther away, but that isnt always possible! There is a book by "Dr Laure Schlessenger" called the "proper care and feeding of husbands" that would probably be helpfull for you it definantly made a difference for me.
And Finally, make some time for yourself, get in a bubble bath once a week or sit and write once a week and if you schedule it for yourself you will have that "time" to look forward to and it will help you be more sane during the week knowing "your time" is coming!
Good luck! Cathy

Hi K.

I'm a first time mommy also and their are days where I feel like it's just me. I get through those days knowing that I'm doing the best for my daughter, and even though I feel like it was a rough day, I watch her sleeping contently at the end of the night and just breathe that we made it through another day. Your right about love and not really knowing what life was like before our children. I couldn't concieve what my life would be like without her and I hope I never do. children are truely a blessing.

Get yourself into a routine if possible. It helped me. I feel good at the end of the day knowing everything got done. If you can find a support system (such as this one) to just let your hair down and vent, that helps tremondously. I have a good support system around me and a cousin and sister who had babies only months apart from me so we call each other all the time and vent about our husbands help (or lack there of), how we miss our babies when we go to work...What's nice is knowing that we are not alone.

Also not sure about your job searching, but if you can only afford just a part time job to get some socialization back into your life, it might help with the stress you feel at home with your husband. The part time will still get you out of the house for a little, but still plenty of time to spend with your daughter.

Well, hope you have a better day, and just keep writing so you let it out and don't keep it in.

Boy have I had that day! I hope it feels a little better to see all of these great women that have gone through the same feelings. I agree that you need some YOU time! Some like to go out with the girls, go to a movie or the mall. I prefer to have my hubby (when he will) take the crew to Planet Kid for a couple hours and just leave me home in the quiet! Even if I spend 2 hours cleaning house, there is something so rewarding about seeing it DONE and not UNDONE for two hours (I know that is sad!) Whatever it is you need, I hope you can take a minute and tell your husband that you are on the edge of a little breakdown and you need some personal time. He sounds like a great guy who trully loves you, but sometime I think that husbands just don't see things we see. Try telling him. And ask if he wouldn't mind taking the baby out for a few hours every week or so. believe me, knowing that a break is coming helps so much! Message me any time you need to blow off steam!

I feel you! Especially when I had my first, it was a big life change. In many ways, what you say mirrors things in my own life. First of all, I think you need to take some time for you. If you don't trust anyone to take care of your kid, maybe try to find a playgroup in your area, so you can take your child along, but still find time to talk with other adults. But I would really advise taking a day (or evening) here & there where you can get away just you. It doesn't mean you don't love your kid. But since when does being MOM mean there's no longer a person inside you? I think letting your identity get so wrapped up in that is wrong. Anyway, if you ever want to chat privately, send me a message.
Hang in there!
E.

Dear K.,
You poor thing. You sound so stressed out about all of this. Do you ever get any "K." time> also known as:"ME" time?
You so need that to stay content , happy, at ease, focused, and SANE!! You need to try a babysitter exchange with a neighbor/church mom perhaps. You watch her child and she can watch yours half a day or whatever you work out once a week. You do need to be a person not just a mother and wife. "ME" time saves ones sanity at this stage of childrearing. I have no family here at all in Oregon. No inlaws or outlaws. I reared and am still rearing 2 boys by myself by the grace of God. I almost lost my health/life and peace of mind doing it solo. So I don't advise this for anyone!! Your church may be able to refer you to a good daycare provider in the body. I found one and was so greatful the times I could get out even if to the doctors by myself or to get a haircut.Once a year is not enough. Ask wonderful hubby to watch them for you so you can do something with other adult women like: work out somewhere at a womens excersize place or whatever. Maybe he would let you out at night if it was a "job with pay" like hanging out with lots of fun women doing a short presentation for tupperware or something . Even Avon reps do book parties and they sell childrens toys etc. You can make 50% of your sales for profit, have fun, adult conversation, dress up and eat their apetizers! Your the life of the party! Jean

I am so glad that there are other women experiencing this same problem. My husband doesn't help around the house or with the kids much but he does work hard and provide for us. I thought if I am doing it all by myself I might as well be by myself. That way I would get a break because my husband would have visitations on the weekends. Then I started reading my Bible and found that God hates divorce and what would that do to my children. I love being around my husband and stuff but feel irritated when he doesn't help or try to have a relationship with his children. He does lose his patience with the kids and yell and that is hard for me. I try to talk about it calmly but it doesn't do any good most of the time. I decided I can't make him be a father and I need to work on changing myself, not him (let God do that). Anyways~ I hired a cleaning lady that comes in every other week to clean and I go to Bunco once a month by myself without kids and started working out at the gym which has helped immensely. I also do scrapbooking and stamping as a hobby and go to a club once a month which I love. I also, went back to church which was a big help. You have to give yourself time for yourself it's a key and pray, pray and pray some more. I know it's hard because I struggled with that also. I felt I was being selfish but you will have more patience for your child and husband. As far as feeling like a failure when your child acts out that is so normal because you want the best for your children and as women we feel like we have to do it all and be good at it but no one is perfect. I still feel like a failure with every one of my children and I have 4. Your kids will disappoint you and you blame yourself every time. Don't be so hard on yourself do your best and instill your values in your child and that's all you can do let God do the rest. Do you live here in Spokane? If so, I would love to get together with you and talk some more. Take care and God Bless. I hope this helps!!

K., my heart goes out to you. The advice I've read so far is right on. All mothers feel as you do at least some of the time but I hear that you are so overwhelmed that you aren't able to take action. I'd like to suggest that you are seriously depressed and need some professional help. I don't know your financial position and so I'm going to make several suggestions. If you have insurance see if it will pay for mental health care. If you do it will be easier to get some help.

I'd start with your doctor. He can prescribe and anti-depressant. Then find a counselor. If you can't afford to do this look in the phone book and find a county mental health clinic. You may need help doing this. They're listed in such weird ways now a days. They charge on a sliding scale. There may be other clinics that also charge on a sliding scale. You can find these by starting with one phone call to any organization that seems related to mental health.

Another idea is to find a church, if you don't already have one. and talk with someone there. Most churches now seem to have counseling staff. Or they will be able to help you find counseling.

It does sound to me like your daughter is going through a normal developmental process. Perhaps a parenting class would get you out of the house and help you know what to do with your daughter. Sometimes babysitting goes along with the class.

I've seen playgroups advertised in freebie parenting handout magazines and on the internet. That could help you in many ways. Check with the city Parks and Recreation Bureau. They have activities for parents and toddlers.

Above all be reassured that what you describe is normal with the exception of what sounds like serious depression. You need to find out if medication can help you. And you may need to find someone who can help you find that help. I hope that you have a friend who will do that.

I wish you love and peace. M.

Hi K.,
I know what you’re going through. My oldest is nine and I also have a three your old and a 14 month old and I have lost who I am in the mix. I have decided to have a drastic life change and work from home. My boyfriend and I of twelve years have moved every two years and I only have friends out of town and the family live so far away. My business is what has been keeping me together for the last three months. It is something I can do to benefit me and my family pulse I am able to met new people that are in the same frame of mind as me, to get ahead and have a drastic life change. Please don't mistake drastic change for me not wanting what I have because I wouldn't take it back for the world. I am just able to work around every body else’s schedule to meet mine. This business I would recommend to all stay home moms who are looking for that long term residual income and still being that mom, wife, girlfriend, companion. You wouldn't even have to put your little one in childcare unless you wanted to. I found that this help me to coupe with my children better because I feel like an adult again. If you are interested in more information on this just leave me your number and a good time to call.

www.MOPS.org is a good thing to. Childcare is provided and it is held only twice a month. I just went for the first time and had a blast. My children had fun to. I am also in the process of setting up a time that me and my boyfriend can have a couple of hours a week time to our selfs. Child care costs are a big issue for us so we are swaping with one of the mops mothers. I hope I'm able to help in your situation with what I've expereanced.
~G.

Hi K.,
Please Take my advice. You are just having a normail male shovanist family. Your dautghter is throwing fits becaus she feels your stress and if you need someone to talk to plese private message me and I'll be there for you. You sounded so upset I don't want yu doing anything foolish. I'm a single mom of 2 in the toddler years and me and there father went through this. in fact we still are going through it. I'm doing it by myself and since then my dauhter has quit the tantrums. she still crys like a normal child but at least shes not doing it anymore to get my attention. before I had so much attention going to fighting with her dad so I could hopefully get through to him that I'd block her out unless she was screaming then we'd yell at her. Its just normal. you just need to get out of that house, do something for you. I'ts gonna take alot of time to get you back to you unless you can let go of him. just pretend he does'nt bother you by doing the things that reall make you mad. get it in your head your a single mom and you have to do what you got to do to get things done by yourself. you will find you again. I'm not saying leave your husband. I'm just saying get your mind frame on just you and the baby. if you make yourself belive that you are a single mom anything that needs to be done YOU WILL DO. and you wont have to go through all the stress of waiting for him to do it. If I'm wrong about this please let me know because you sound exactlly like me 3 years ago and I did'nt have ANYONE to talk to at all. I had no way out. No friends just me and the baby. Daddy was around but he was like a decoration in the house(just there for show) you know what I mean?
A.

oh sweetie! i pray for your peace of mind. you pray for sanity too! i have been through the same thing with 2 kids by myself. it is possible through the grace of God. i promise you, you don't have to carry this burden alone. lay you troubles at the cross and let Him take the load. you have a community full of compassionate moms eager to help a fellow mommy out. if you would like someone to talk to message me and i'll give my number. maybe we could take the kids somewhere? trust it will be alright. maybe sometimes you could ask your husband to watch the baby for an hour while you go out of the house. then come back and do something as a family together. the zoo, the lied museum, the library. show him how she loves to learn and the power he has to teach her. i hope this works. let me know how it turns out.

hi K.,

you've gotten some great advice from these other ladies so take advantage of it.

are you in the portland area? if you'd like to meet to just talk with "another mother" i'd love to do the same. my first child was with a man who sounds like your hubby and your MIL. unfortunately, due to the MIL and my hubby's lack of ability to deal with her or our family change, we divorced. but i remember that pain so well. and it does take it's toll on your ability to be a good mommy and to be yourself at the same time. i am remarried to a great guy and we have a 2yo daughter now and i am pregnant with twins due in february. (yes, that'll be it for me!) seriously, let's take the girls to the park or OMSI. email me if you'd like to do that or just talk... ____@____.com love and peace to you, K.

Dear K.,

I hear you loud and clear. I am going through depression right now. It started slowly a few months ago and reached it's peak when my husband left for a trip. I am on prescibed meds for sleeplessness, heartburn (lost too much weight) and migraines. I have made a appt. with a psychiatrist for Monday.
Our health plan covers most of it, I pay $15 a visit. I am also joining the local YMCA. They have child care for free, 2hrs a day. I always have put the family first that I feel I have lost myself. I know I have to take care of myself. I need to feel happy and content. I have a strong willed 4 year old boy who still continues his terrible twos and a sweet baby girl of 8 months. Somedays I cry several times a day and I feel like a failure. I decided to seek help. Don't be afraid to. Hang in there!

Wow, K., seems like you're saying the exact same thing I've been saying recently. I have three children, a husband, a job and trying to start working from home in my own business. Sometimes I wonder just how much a woman can take. I have to tell you, most women take on the majority of the work. Why that is, I don't know. God gave us something very special inside to be able to do it all. Doesn't mean we don't want to go to the nuthouse sometimes though.
I find that if I spend a few minutes a day (if only 5 to 10) closing myself into my bedroom and just pray or listen to a good song on the radio that relieves some pressure. I was told that we have to have at least that small amount of time for that solitude. It has helped me many times.
Something I had really prayed about so many times was that God would give me something to do from home that would help my husband out financially and give me a sense of peace and help my self-esteem.
We do lose ourselves sometimes and I know for me, this has given me something to do. I enjoy it so very much, it can be done around my childrens' schedules and yet it's building something inside me so powerful that I cannot explain it. We all need something for "us" outside of our families. And it's a positive thing.
Your writing is eloquent. I can tell that you do poetry and you have a true gift. Keep it up. That's another positive thing that you do. I'm very impressed!! I can tell you have a lot to offer people. Your heart is soft and that's another reason I think you struggle. I can relate to that too.
You really need to spend some time alone too. I will go out for a simple walk and let my husband watch the kids for a half hour too. Have a friend go with you if you want, you two can vent.
Hope this helps just a little bit.
Feel free to write to me anytime. I know we don't know each other but I opened this up this morning and felt like I was looking in a mirror when I was reading this. It really touched my heart.
Take care and God bless you!!!
T.

Hey sweetie!
Hold your head up high and don't worry bout the small stuff. Thats what i tell myself everyday. Looks like your husband and mine would be great together. I also feel unappreciated in my household because of his choice that I become a new SAHM after our second son was born. I guess somewhere in the mens handbook someone must of written that moms jobs are 24/7 and for some odd reason its ok for dads to be part-time when it is convient to him.
You should just make him realize what he is missing out on with one on one time with your daughter and let him know it took two of you to bring her into this world and its gonna take two of you to bring her "Up" in this world.
My husband is a great dad when its convanient for him. I had to recently give him a wakeup call myself. I let him know that i felt under appreciated and neglected when it came to help with our two small boys because of the fact that I am not working doesn't mean my job should be 24/7 and I needed a break.
And it takes time for men to change, you can ask any other woman out there. My husband is finally helping a little bit more so I can have some "M." time, be it grocery shopping it still gets me outta the house once a week to take some time and breath and see a adult face or two.
I also understand the frustrations, with my first son I really missed my "M." time and it takes time to adjust to fitting in and putting someone before you, but i don't think you should be having to to it all the time a couple mintues of me time during the day works wonders. You just need to understand that its not a bad thing to take time out for yourself, and its good for your daughter to have a little independance from you once in awhile. Its hard at first but you can always ease into "you" time.
I also try to take a run in the morning before my hubby goes to work, to free my mind and get some fresh air before i start the day, just another little 20 minutes of sanity that can be added to your day. Good luck sweetie!

My Dear K.,

Welcome to the wounderful world of being a Mother!! I raised 4 kids so I know what you are talking about.. For the first few years I was alone raisn the three boys.. But anyway..(mine are all grown up now)... When the boys were young I felt the same way, I had NO life but them and cleaning the house. I had no one to talk to at all..Not even a mother-in-law.. My first husband got killed when I was 19, I was left with two boys alone.. ~~This is how I survived it and maybe it will help you out as well..~~ I started "A mommaz day off" with a few people that lived close by. Well acually it started of as a play date with a few of my nabors and turned into "A mommaz day off" What we did was we got together once a week to talk to each other about what wa going on with the kids and other stuff and we all desided that we each need a day off from being a mom so we started watching each others kids for one whole day thats 24 hours with no kids. That way for at least one day a month we could relearn what it was like to be our selfs again.. and/ wife again with out the kids for a while... It really seamed to help alot of us.. even if we desides after only afew hours to comeback to get our kids it still was worth the time off.. What most new moms forget it that we are still women.!! even after we have kids.. It has nuthing to do with being a good or bad mom or wife for that matter it has to do with us. We get so wraped up into being the best mom/wife that we can be that we start lossen our selves and thats were the problem lyes.. Our husbands start calling us "MOMMA" or "MOM" enstead of our names and fairlly soon we start just totaly lossen our selves as a peson and become just MOM and nuthing more... Well it seams that way anyways... OH Boy I am rableing sorry... anyways.. Just get your self some kind of suport group that will be there for you like I did it helps alot.. and if you do not find one you like then make your own and invite others that feel the same way.. But in the mean time start by picking one day out of the week that you fix your self up and do something nice just for you...you would be suprised on how that will make you feel..

I hope I helped out a little. Take care

J.