Emergency Custody of 12 Year Old Boy

KVC(local foster child program) has a wonderful class called"Dying and Grief". It explains how different kids react and what you can do to help. They may have one online if you are interested.

Good luck,
D.

Just love him to death, and he will eventually open up. This will take him some time. Ask others to pray for him.

I have to encourage Solace House as well. They run on a sliding scale and if you can't pay- they will work with you.

My son and I are both going because my grandmother passed away 5 months ago. We were both very close to her and Solace House has been a lifesaver for us.

He can have individual therapy and group therapy.

I think that having him talk to you is great but this kind of loss really does need a professional (IMHO). My father died when I was 16, mother at 18 so I've been there.

Lost & Found ... http://www.lostandfoundozarks.com/. It's a great support program for those who have lost loved ones. It's free and it's an amazing program.

You are an angel who was sent to this boy. God bless you for your efforts. We'll keep you all in our thoughts and prayers.

Best wishes.

I know this is kinda of a late response and that you have gotten alot of really good responses. But for what it is worth my sons girlfriend just lost her dad last year at Christmas. She has been thru alot of emotions with my son on this subject including being impossible to say anything without getting his head handed to him on a platter. So one night he finally was at his ropes end and asked me what I thought he should do. This is what I told him. Just be there hold her when she cries hold her when she lashes out hold her when you feel like you can't anymore. Then let her talk first while you hold her. It may take alot of time but with something so personal and so close to their heart you have to be always ready even in the middle of the night to give as you never know when that talk will happen. But it will come. And yes it is ok for him to write, talk , sometimes even scream how angry he is. In fact telling him this is ok could help him alot with letting things out. I am not saying it will by no means solve it but it opens the door. And as we walk thru many doors in life there is always the harded ones ahead but we do make it by the grace of God. Just be there. Include him in his treatment of this time of his life ask him if he would like to talk to someone to maybe help him to understand things and why they happened. Making him a part of the solutions to this without calling it a problem is a tricky step but can help the most in a young life as they feel more in control in a situation that feels so out of control to them. I hope this helps. Love and Prayers.

L.,

What a blessing for you to have him, and for him to have you. Just love him, guide him with love and attention; as if he was yours. This is what he needs now, reassure him that his mom watches over him from heaven with God. By all means treat him like he was yours and never differentiate between your other children and him. He will love you and remember you forever even if he goes elsewhere later on. Reassure him that he has you and your family. Are you going to adopt him? I hope you are if you are going to dedicate time and energy to him. You have been given a great apportunity to love and care for a human being. What a great opportunity, may you receive back as much love and care as you give.

Blessing!

You are doing a very nice thing for the 12 y.o. If you are a part of a church, you might discuss this situation w/ the minister. A church can be a FANTASTIC place to get help.

what a difficult situation. i don't see how he could come out of this without a lot of anger at god, so you were right to anticipate that. all you can do is be a great substitute mom for him like you are to your own kids - don't think he'll accept you right away...but all you can do is your best. he'll be grateful you did when he's grown. GOOD LUCK and keep praying.

It is natural for him to be mad at God. From what you said the one person that he could count on has been taken away. Make sure that you let him know that whenever he is ready that you will be there to talk and that he can count on you. That it is okay to cry because real men cry. That crying is a way to release the grief so that the happiness that his mom gave him over his tweleve years will shine thhrough brightly in the near future. Then get in touch with a grief counselor to help you deal with the different stages that he will go though so that you are prepared to handle whatever comes your way.

Encourage him to talk. You may want to get him in with a grief counselor for children. I can't relate, but I know keeping emotions bottled up can cause problems down the line. He will eventually open up, he may need some time. You might also see if the school counselors could help out in one way or another (ie - referral to a grief counselor). Hope that helps. Hang in there.

I lost my father due to a heart attack when I was 13. However, I still had my mother to take care of me. But I found it helpful to express my anger through writing stories, journaling, and drawing. As I recall, my mom did try to have a counselor speak to me, but it was only for one session. I think our family was still in shock, so I don't know how much good it did at the time. My brother and sister and I were allowed to take turns selecting things from his personal belongings. I remember feeling vulnerable and insecure. I know he is rather old for a security object, but you may want to ask if there is anything you can provide to help him feel safe. Bless you and your family for reaching out to this boy.

omg, that poor child. :( i lost my dad and i can tell you now...when you are angry like he is, like i was, you don't want to hear "i'm sorry," or "they're in a better place," or "it's god's will." (No offense). just be there as much as you can for as long as you can and tell him often that you are, and to never hesitate when he needs something. as long as you can empathize and sympathize you don't have to really RELATE. good luck.

Pray for guidance and find a counselor also-he has a large amount of bottled up anger and this could lead to many troubles in the near future. A therapist can give him the guidance to start his new life and yet not forget his past with his mother. He needs to learn how to deal with the stress of everything going on. His loss, the new family and living with his friend can have difficulties. This is hard for anyone to deal with and with prayer and a specialist and hisnew loving family he stands a chance to succeed-help him get there.Don't try to do this alone. My prayers go out to all of you!

God Bless you L.. I just lost both of my mom's almost a yr apart. My step mom passed Aug 20,07 after short illness. My mother passed Aug 19, 08 from dementia. Both of their passings has been very hard. Only thing right now you can do is show him love and understanding. He can be made at God but explain that God didn't cause it to happen. There are so many stages to grief, and good place to find information is online with google. How to say goodbye, it hard for a child his age, and being able to understand that her pain is no more, and he will see her again one day. If there is no father in the picture does he have gr parents or aunts and uncles who are able to help. I youth couselor or pastor can help you in this situation!!

I will definitely be praying for all of you and especially this young boy. God Bless him and you

K.

go to www.kcsl.org It's the Kansas Children's Service League. They have a ton of free resources for situations like this. I will be praying for him and your family.

My son is almost 13, and I can't even imagine what it would be like for him to have no one in the family if something were to happen to me. This child has got to be really frightened and uncertain about what his future will bring.
my thoughts on this are you are blessed with an opportunity to love this boy.
That being said, I don't know what can be done about his anger at God right now other than show him Gods' Love for us all. When I was in college I briefly dated a boy who had grown up in BoysTown when he and his two brothers were orphaned when their mother died. He was angry with God,after 15 years. I just really didn't know what to do or say to him that would make it any different at that time. I still pray for him and wish there could have been anything I could have done to change that for him.
I think you have an opportunity here to make a difference. I would think also that just having stability in your family life, assigning chores to make him feel part of the family, giving him a routine will help him to adjust to the changes in his life. Grief counceling also would be helpful at this juncture. Anger is part of the grieving process but it needs to be expressed and directed so that it's not internalized and eventually acted out in self destructive ways.
God Bless you, and your family.

My husband was 16 when his father unexpectedly had a heart attack and died at age 39. He did the "bottle it all up, men don't cry" thing for years. When our first child was a baby, (a son) 10 years later, he finally dealt with it. I come from a very strong faith background, and he does not. We talked about it a lot and about death and how it had to happen in order for something else to happen. It was very hard, but he has grown so much in his faith and in his own personal journey of understanding and trusting in God. I agree with the other post that a grief counselor or youth pastor would be a good place to start. They may be able to find someone in their teens who have lost a parent that could "mentor" him. Someone to identify with and build a trust with may be what he needs now. Good luck to your family, and bless you for taking him in and giving him a home.

Hi!
You've had lots of good responses offering you good resources. I think the most important and most immediate thing you can do is just to love on this boy (if he will allow you to). Give him lots of hugs and make him feel welcome in your family. Do family activities together and just stick close to him for a while. You are a wonderful person for doing this!

See if your church has a grief share program. I can't relate to any major losses like this, but maybe that would help.
J.
http://www.JessicaGrimm.com

The Solace House is a great resource if you are in the Kansas City area. God Bless

I did not read everyone's responses. So if I repeat then I'm sorry. First of all, I am a very Christian person and although it pains us to see people angry at God for taking their loved ones, if you try to convince him God is good too hard, he will go the other direction. He's grieving...angry at the world and he doesn't understand why God, a loving being would take something so wonderful away from him. Take him to counseling if you're not already. Be patient and be an example of what God has done and is doing in your life. Read the Bible in front of him, not to him. Talk openly to others about God around him. Pray for him and for others in front of him. After a while, you can start asking if he'd like to join or has something he'd like you to pray about. I'm not saying don't minister to him, just give him space on that subject and if you "read" that he's ready, then you'll know how to proceed with talking about Christ. You may also want to get him a journal that is only for him to write in and give him permission to hide it anywhere he pleases. Or I also saw on Super Nanny, she gave a tween a box and when the tween needed to talk about something that bothered her she wrote it on a piece of paper and the mom opened the box at night with the tween and discussed it. I thought it was a great idea and maybe you can do something along those lines with maybe having him write whatever he wants on paper about how he's feeling or how mad he is and go bury the box? I don't know. I know almost a year after losing my grandmother, and I'm still mourning. It will take a very very long time for him to go through the grieving process but it can be easier on him if you're actively in youth group and therapy.
When my daughter came to live with us, she was experiencing loss because she was so attached to her foster family and did not want to live with us. I had to give her a lot of permission to feel the way she was feeling, saying "It's ok to miss her, it's ok to love both of us, etc."
I hope all goes well for you and your family.

L.-

It is okay for him to be mad at God- He is big enough. It's okay for him to tell God how mad, how disappoint, and how unfair this is. He is Big enough and he understands. This is not personal attack, it's life and death is a part of life. We have sicknesses and accidents every day. God always has a plan to help. It sounds like He has provided a family, a home, and friends to help. Thats a loving God, a caring God and a safe God. Sometime God knows that people are hurting so bad and are so sick that He takes them home... He has been missing them too. They get a new home, around old and new friends and family that your mom has been missing.

I would also get him in to grief counsoling.

The advise from my grandfather who lived to be 100. What to invest in-
Your education/studies- no one can take it from your mind and it become the core of who you are.
Your health- you have one body take care of it.
Time- Moments come and moments go they don't come back.
People- Invest in people... no two are alike. Each of us is a teasure.
God- Live your life seeking to know Him and you will have all eternity with Him and the previous 4 to talk about.
Or Seek a life living for yourself missing Him for all eterinity.

Take care

My friend at 27 died of cancer leaving a daughter to her Mom.
I lead her to Christ 2 weeks before they found the cancer. She lived and died in Christ. She let everyone know it the hospitals how good God is. At her funeral friends and family heard her testomony. Over 30 recieved Christ that day. Every seed that goes in the ground must die before the harvest can come.

God Bless you for taking in another kid. My first suggestion is get him into therapy or take him to your minister for counseling. He does need to deal with his grief. You can't force him to do it, but if he doesn't deal with it soon, it will comsume his life. I've been trying to help my husband with the death of his sister the entire time we've been together. If you can't afford a therapist, since you took him in I'm sure there are programs that can help you out. I assume he's in school? You can always talk to the administrators. They'll help you too. Good luck! And again, God bless you for taking him in.

I am a psychologist in the St. Louis Area and the following are resources we use for kids-if you are not in the St. Louis area, still call for info and resources in your area...

annie's hope: ____@____.com ###-###-####
st. Louis Children's Hospital www.stlouischildrens.org
###-###-####
mo.Baptist hospital 800-392-0936

check web md for children's books, there's one out there that has great reviews-can't think of the name right now

you can email me if you need more info...

Hi! God Bless you and your family, for taking in the boy and giving him a family. I am sure that he knows how much you all care and want to help, but he has a lot of anger. It is going to get direct towards others as he doesn't know how to deal with his situation and his loss.

I have 2 suggestions for you to help him through. One is for you to go to a cancer support group, they should be able to give you some direction on how to help him through. You don't want to push therapy on him, try to gradually introduce him to help. As many support groups that are out there, there has to be one for children that have lost parents to cancer/death. Maybe if he sees that there are others that are dealing with the same thing, it would help. As much as you want to understand and help him, you can't if you have not been through the same thing.

The other is for you to talk with your pastor on how to best handle it. He can give you support and give you some direction on how to help this boy through his loss.

Good Luck!

First let me say Kudos to you for stepping up and being such a great person to take this kid in. At least he knows that he is wanted and has a friend in the house.

Well of course, there is always talk therapy. But he may not be ready for it and it may backfire. Do you have a local chapter of Big Brother/Big Sisters? Perhaps you could call and see if there is anyone there that may have experieced something similar. This would at least give him someone closer to his age or someone who can immediately understand what he is going through.

If you haven't read Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's book on the 7 stages of death & dying I would seriously suggest it for your reading list. It will help you better understand the grieving process; what he is going through and what is to come. Any library should have the book or call your local hospice if you don't want to spend the money...most will gladly lend it to you.

Another idea may be the reverse process, what about finding someone who lost a child his age? Perhaps there could be a void filled on both accounts?

I would definitely have a meeting with your other kids and brief them on what to expect behavior wise and what your 12 yr old may need from everyone. I think it is especially important for you to spend some extra time with this child (as much as he is comfortable with) and let him know that your whole family is here for him WHENEVER he wants or needs to talk (even if it is 3 am in the morning because one day it may be). Anger is a very normal reaction. I lost my mom when I was 24 to cancer and that was 10 years ago and I'm STILL angry at times. It's what he does with that anger that makes the difference. Find an outlet for him to burn that anger off...boxing, tae-kwon-do, swimming, skating...whatever he's into...just SOMETHING. You might also see if there is some kind of support group around where your at for teens who have lost parents.

He knows it sucks, you know it sucks, everyone knows it sucks...it's just how you react to the fact that it sucks is what will mold and shape this boys life. His mom may not be here physically but she is watching over him, without a doubt...was anything of hers saved? A lock of hair? Could you make a keepsake for him like a locket, vial, etc? Something similar to like when he was a little boy carrying a teddy bear around...something tangible that was his mothers...I saw recently somewhere someone took a shirt from a deceased loved one's closet and made a teddy bear from it...something that the child would always remember belonged to that person. If I can find that website again I will post it for you. Just some ideas...I hope you all find peace.

How about finding him a support group, with other kids who have lost a parent. I'm sure there are some somewhere. You could ask at your church, and maybe the hospitals, or a counseling center. You could also find a private counselor, but this would likely be more expensive - and it might help him to see other kids and how they deal with it. It may help him to see that he is not alone.

How did you happen to get custody of this child?