Support for Teenagers Lossing Their Father to Cancer, and Angry at Mom

Their mom left them at such a critical time in life... those adolescent years are hard enough, and then to have a mother abandon them when they need her most (for a guy, no less). Yep, they can be mad.

If they open up to you, let them continue to talk to you. Do not betray their trust by sharing what they say with anyone else right now. Let them get it out of their system. They are grieving and angry and thank goodness they have you to talk to!

I'm so sorry that you are in this position, but I'm thankful that they have someone to talk to right now. As time passes, maybe you could start to gently interject positive comments about their mom and start to touch on the topic of counseling.

Good luck and remember to take care of you, too. This has got to be hard on you as well. Please keep us posted!

ETA: Just read AV's advice. It is excellent and I completely agree with her.

It's twofold, I think. One that they are grieving and two that they are still angry with their mother's actions.

Frankly, if my husband left me at a time I needed him for another woman I'd be very angry and at their ages, I would have a hard time not expressing that disdain now and again. We try very hard not to badmouth my stepkids' mother but I know she doesn't do the same in return. The facts as you present them is that she DID abandon them and why wouldn't they have their own anger about it? If therapy was not offered then, then that was a failing of both parents.

I think they all need family counseling, too. She's returning to their home that they shared with their father after a huge trauma compounded by their father's loss. She is also stepping back into a role she abandoned. They will need more than words to trust her again. She has to earn their trust and respect back. She cannot expect to wave a magic wand. Anybody can be a mother or father, but it takes a lot of work to be a parent. These children have been hurt and they need direction for their hurt. If their hurt includes being abandoned by her once, then it needs to be addressed, even if is hard to hear. My father was not a good father and abdicated his responsibility toward his children. The fact that my mother didn't like him was one thing but truthfully HIS actions (or lack thereof) were why I didn't cry when I found out he'd died in 07. The mother has to own her own behavior, too, and not just blame their father's reaction to her actions. Their father's behavior may not have helped, but that doesn't absolve her. If the only reason she's there is because he's dead, I'd be pretty angry, too, in their shoes. Where was she prior?

They may not want to talk to the hospice people but they should be encouraged to speak to their school guidance office, or to attend group sessions with kids their own age.

All of these things are not going to be repaired overnight. Everyone needs to acknowledge that, and not just blame the dead.

Wow, this one is hard. I lost my own mother to cancer at 17 so I truly can relate to these children. Anger is going to be part of their emotions anyway with losing their Dad to something that they just couldn't control. You didn't say if the mother was your sister or your sister-in-law. I truly don't want to offend you, but what the hell is wrong with her that she left her children over another man? Those poor kids probably know that the only reason the mother came back to care for them is because Dad died. Sorry, Mom effed up big time...she is going to have to earn their trust back. This is going to take some time for sure. Why in the world would these kids listen to Mom when she LEFT them 3 1/2 years ago? Yes, they need some help for their anger issues. I would suggest starting with their school counselor.

These children have every right to be pissed off at her and so did their dad. It's not *his* fault for not forgiving her. He may have taught them to not honor and trust her, but I can assure you, those feelings would have been there whether he truly forgave her or not. So stop putting blame on a decease man who obviously struggled and was a single dad in a lot of pain.

My dad fought a brutal fight with cancer and my mom was stalwart and never left his side. He died when I was young as well. These kids absolutely need counseling. It is way to soon for them to be able to trust/forgive their mom or to be expected too. I think you are right, they are displacing their grieving to blame the mom. She is going to have to work her butt off to get any respect from these kids, it will not come easy. Denial and anger are part of the grieving process, so they will eventually get there. Hopefully, before it gets too destructive for them. In the meantime, they may not want to forgive her, but they can at the very least show her common courtesy and respect. I would counsel them in that way. Also... let them know that hanging on to hate and anger will only increase their pain, whether it is deserved or not.

This is a short (8 minute) video about a man who lost several of his children and his pregnant wife to a teen drunk driver. It may really help their perspective as he talks about how forgiveness helped him feel happiness again and help him live with the devastation in his life. Watch it with hem. Tell them you know that counseling will truly help them. That their father would want them to succeed in life, but this anger and inability to think and act proactively and in a healthy way will only harm them in the long run. Also, without damaging their view of their father, let them know that while he was hurting in so many ways, he had some judgment lapses as well in instilling the kids with the strength and love they needed to move on as a family together. That was one hard thing for me to admit to myself about some choices my dad made at the end of his life. But, it does happen.

http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

Under the very best of circumstances, anger IS part of the grieving process.
They have double anger. Anger at their mom for leaving and now anger at their dad for leaving.
At their ages, no one can really force them to participate in counseling, but it would be a really good thing for them. The mom and the kids together.
Hopefully they can come to realize that even though they lost their dad, they still all have each other.
There may be distrust that their mother will leave them again.
She should get counseling even if the kids won't go so she knows how to deal with some of these things in healthy ways.

I'm sorry for your family's loss.

Do they confide in you? If they do, the best thing you can do is listen, and mirror their feelings. Then, after you have done that, give them some guidance and words of wisdom.

I don't blame them for being mad. I don't think they are mad because of what the father said -- they are mad because their mother left them. That's a fact, no matter what dad said, or whether he did or didn't forgive her. When you leave your kids and move in with a new guy, there is no way to put a positive spin on that to your kids.

I think their anger IS a way they are grieving. And it's only been two months, so anger is a common reaction at this stage.

Their mom is just going to have to keep apologizing, and working to repair the damage she caused. She was gone for3-1/2 years, so it will probably take as many years for them to forgive her.

http://camperinworld.blogspot.com/

Might be pretty easy to "convince" them to go on a vacation AWAY from the person that they are so furious with right now. Both rightfully AND the person they're directing the anger they feel for other things on.

First, I'm very sorry for the loss of your brother.

Secondly, your sister-in-law sounds sincerely sorry but her kids probably won't hear out her apology for a while. They're angry with good reason for three issues: because she left their father, she left them, and their father died. For the kids all of those issues are tied up together. They probably feel that in some way she caused their father's death. They can't give themselves permission to be angry with their father for leaving them because the illness wasn't his fault, although I'll bet they're angry at cancer and can't quite formulate that thought.

But here's the thing. Your sister-in-law is still their mother. In spite of her past mistakes, she is still their mother and she doesn't have to allow them to walk all over her and disrespect her as long as they live in her home and as long as they are minor children that she's responsible for. She can strongly encourage them to go to counseling both on their own and as a family.

They have a long way to go. Your niece and nephew won't begin to heal until they can forgive, and they need to understand that forgiving their mother doesn't have to mean forgetting what she did or wiping the slate clean. Forgiveness is a matter of letting go and moving on so that they can heal and mature. Forgiveness is more for their benefit than for their mother.

Their grief is still new. There are stages of grief, and they're still in the anger stage. But he's also punishing his mother even though she came back and wants to make amends. This is why therapy and forgiveness will be helpful. Your SIL can't be expected to spend the rest of her life paying for her mistakes. And your niece and nephew can't realistically maintain such hot anger and rage for so long without changing who they are and hurting themselves emotionally and psychologically.

I suggest reading "The Art of Helping". http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1599961792/ref=pd_lpo_k2...

It might help teach you to listen most effectively, for them to feel deeply heard, and (maybe!) be willing to let you in / receive help and support from you.

Tough stuff, this. Big hugs and good luck to you and your family.

ETA: Just read Riley's idea...I liked it a lot!

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm kind of analyzing this situation. I'm thinking that because of anger, cancer was formed. I know this may sound totally crazy but I am an emotion healer/practitioner. I see what has been happening in the lives of all involved. If emotions aren't released, any disease, pain, suffering just go on to take our lives away. The mother, father, and children have these horrible trapped emotions. They get lodged in the body and really need to be released. Yes, they can cause cancer as well as many other diseases. Talking about what happened might be good, but the trapped emotion doesn't go away with just talking. They physically have to be removed. for more information go to www.bradleynelson.com/ if you are interested in me helping your family please private email me.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Our children's hospital has a thing called The Caring Place that helps kids deal with grief.
Maybe check with your local children's hospital?
Anger is O. of the steps of grief, but they may need help moving along the steps.
Are they in your area? If so, your could ask your pediatrician's office for referrals & information about programs near you similar to the O. I mentioned.
Good luck.

S., you might want to reach out to Judi's House in Denver. The organization works with children who have lost their parents. It's not traditional therapy, but more children supporting their peers who have all gone through it. Here's what they said about teen grieving, but check out their website for more info on sessions for kids:http://www.judishouse.org

The Teen Years
Teens frequently prefer to talk with teen and adult friends rather than sharing feelings with parents and other caregivers. Encourage relationships with other supportive individuals. Be available to listen and share your own honest grief when the teen is ready to talk with you. Answer questions truthfully. Allow teens to cover up their grief if it is basically harmless to themselves and others. At the same time, encourage expression of feelings through sports, music, dancing, writing, or acting.

Going back to school following a death can be a difficult time for teens. It is normal to have difficulty concentrating for several months following a death. Let teachers, principals, and school counselors know of the loss. Work with the school to tailor the workload to the teen's needs.

Watch for changes in peer groups. High-risk behavior is common for teenagers. When emotions are complicated by a significant death loss, high-risk behavior may increase. Keep the lines of communication open with your teen. Be aware of who his or her friends are and where the teen is.

Peer support groups are important for teens. Judi's House offers teen groups that allow grieving teens to come together to support each other through the difficult journey of grief. Teens are welcome to try a group two to three times to see if it is good fit for them.

Oh dear. I totally agree with you that they are not greiving properly at all. Could you invite them to come 'cool off' and stay with you for a few weeks and in that time, just love on them and talk fondly about their mom and dad and all the people who love them? I'm sure they have a deep desire to let it all out, but need someone other than family to do that with. They need a 'cool' guy/gal to have lunch with who will just listen - like a youth pastor or college-age 'big brother' . They likely don't want to admit that they need a 'psychologist' or anything like that. They don't want to talk to some 'old fart' psychologist who will perhaps judge them. They need someone 'cool' to just hang out with them - I'd look into the local church and see what's out there.

I am so sorry you are struggling watching your niece and nephew suffer.
My only suggestion is getting them into counseling, perhaps with a school counselor, who can help them work through these issues. They don't need to share their fathers anger but they do need to recognize their own anger, i assume there must be some as their mother "abandoned" them, and work that out sooner rather than later as they are now with mom. Also, family counseling would help them sort out their feelings and could recommend ways of improving their relationship and resolving their issues. but they must grieve for their father, that is a huge step to forgiving their mother. good luck and condolescences

They have a justified reason to be angry---find them some support groups for grieving kids.
Therapy won't help! They need support, friends who have been there and YOUR LOVE!