How to Move on After Loss

I am sorry for your loss. I went through something similar, and while everyone's grief is different .. I just wanted to share this with you in case you find it helpful.

It is completely natural to feel all the feelings you are experiencing. Just know that and be easy on yourself. Whenever we go through a loss, and it was stressful as well as emotionally hard, we have mixed feelings.

It is extremely hard to care for people when they are ill towards the end of their life. You mentioned your mom wasn't always there for your grandmother emotionally. Your mom likely needed emotional support and affection too - even though she may not show her feelings in the same way you do, she was losing a mother and would have been very stressed.

Sounds like everyone did the best they could, and that's sometimes all you need to know. It was not an easy time .. your mom did her best, you did yours .. forgive yourself for the guilt, accept your mom is human (not perfect) and be there for each other now. I'm sure your grandmother knew how much she was loved :)

Best wishes

My dad was very sick for the last 3 months of his life and it was extremely hard on my mother who was his main caretaker. I use to go over for at least 1 hr a day so she could get out of the house and run errands or do whatever she wanted to do. On Sundays I'd go over and stay all morning so she could go to church and then hang out with her friends. It was still very stressful on my mom and I wished my brothers would have helped out more.

Your mom had zero help. She was doing it all herself and while you wanted to help more you didn't. And instead of appreciating the 2 yrs that your mom put in doing something she really wasn't trained to do you are upset with her? So not cool. I think its easier to place blame on things your mom did wrong instead of stepping up and saying 'I should have done a little more.'

Cut your mom a break here and say out loud to her 'I know you did the best you could do under such a difficult situation. It was very hard. You should be proud of the care you gave for so long.' Realize that not everyone has the skill set to take care of ill needy adults. My mom was a nurse but 24/7 is totally different than an 8 hr shift.

Then cut yourself a break. We can't always do the things we want to do in every situation. You were juggling your own young family and weren't able to step in as much as you would have liked. Maybe talking to a professional would help you resolve these issues.

what is a racing tough?
i feel bad for your mom. your grandma too, but your resentment indicates to me that you don't know how hard it is to care for someone 24/7. you have a lot on your plate too, but nothing to your mom's situation, and you admit you didn't help much. having a job and a toddler is NOTHING to being a full-time caretaker to someone who is completely incapacitated.
go to grief counseling if you need to. i hope your mom is getting some help too. she's the one who gets my sympathy in this situation.
khairete
S.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Give yourself some time to process and grieve. And do not fault your mom for anything she might have said while she was caring for your grandmother. Caring for an aging or ailing parent is extremely stressful on the caregiver, esp if she was the only caregiver. This something only those who have been in that situation can understand. Try to remember only the good times, and be a support for your mom who no doubt is taking this very hard.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Its hard and you are still dealing with it. I understand, my mom passed in November after a very lengthy battle with dementia.

You need to cut your Mom some slack. She did the best she could under the circumstances as did you. It is not easy being the caregiver. Generally most caregivers health completely deteriorates under the stress. I watched my Dad go down some caring for my Mom. I will NEVER have one bad thing to say about his care of my mother. He suffered terrible insomnia due to stress, as well as high blood pressure.

We all felt a sense of relief when my mother passed. In my mind, my mom died long before her physical death. That being said, I have grieved for her much more deeply than I thought I would. When I think of her I don't think of "nursing home mom" I think of "mom" and I miss her terribly. I miss her voice the most.

Give yourself time to grieve and please forgive yourself and your mother. You have no idea what she was truly going through.

Join a grief group, it helps.

You need time to process it all. There is a devotional that I use frequently called "Streams in the Desert". It has done me a lot of good. When I know someone in crisis I always buy them a copy. I think it's worth a look to see if it would be right for you.

Take care of yourself, go have lunch or coffee with a good friend who can help you process it all. Wishing you the best...

I lost my mom two years ago after a very long batttle with cancer. I took care of her for a long time but the last 18 months of her life she was in a nursing home. Not because I didn't love her - but becuase I did love her. i didn't want to lose my patience any more, I didn't want to raise my voice or get to the point where I would regret things after she was gone.
Caring for an aging parent or spouse is one of the most difficult things a person can do. It's physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting. You need to get over your anger with your mom. She was the sole caregiver for her elderly, dying mother? She's a human being and it's very, very normal to get to the point where you're ready for your loved one to pass away. It sounds horrible - but it's perfectly normal. Now your mom is feeling conflicted - she feels a sense of relief, and a sense of guilt & regret. Don't add to it.
As for your feelings - you are a full time working mom of a toddler. You can't do everything. YOur primary role at this point in your life is to be a mom, then a wife, then an employee, then a child & grandchild.
We all take on too much guilt & regret - and only once in a while is that guilt & refret appropriate. Often times we take it on when it's not real and when it doesn't apply to us. Forgive yourself, forgive your mom. Give her a hug, tell her how much you love her and how much you know how difficult is was to care for her cying mother. Cry with her. It is perfectly normal to grieve the loss, and to even feel angry that she's gone and you wish it could have all been different. But don't direct your anger at your mom.
Also - look for a griefshare program in your area. I went to one that was being held at a church by me - people from all walks of life where there - older people, younger people, a biker, a lawyer, etc. They do videos, and then talk. It helped tremendously - helped me realize my feelings were not bad, strange, wierd, etc. Here's the link. If you don't go suggest your mom goes. http://www.griefshare.org/findagroup

Your grief is so raw. The best advice I can offer is to be kind to yourself and let go of your guilt. Your grandmother would not want you to suffer with guilty feelings. I honestly think the best way to honor the dead is to live life to its fullest and make them proud.

So sorry for your loss.

Everyone did the best the could under very difficult circumstances.
Your grandmother is no longer suffering.
Give yourself a lot of time.
Your Mom needs time too.
Your collective grief is a fresh wound and it needs time to scab over and heal up.
For some people a few months is enough while others need a few years.
Grief has no set time table.
You'll feel a whole host of emotions (so will your Mom - and not necessarily the same ones at the same time) - anger, guilt, resentment, relief, etc are not out of the ordinary.
But eventually you get tired feeling that way and are ready to feel peace, forgiveness, and even happiness (you can't help it especially with your toddler - they keep you going) - and then you just move on and you feel some closure.
Just be very patient with yourself and your Mom - give each other some space.

Vitamins will help your health for sure, but you need to A) let yourself grieve and B) forgive yourself and accept what is. BTW grieving can last a long time and in spurts so don't rush it. You can also acknowledge mom's sadness, and wherever possible let her know you feel bad, but seriously you couldn't have helped and you don't need to let her emotionally pull you down. You still have your family to care for. Here's a hug. I know it is hard.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I'm sorry for your mother too. You have no idea how hard it is take care of someone for the length of time your mother did. It would have been great if she could have been more patient with your grandmothe. She did work very hard and sacrificed a lot.

I recommend that you go to grief counseling. If you don't, and if you continue to blame your mother and resent her, then you will feel doubly bad when SHE dies.

Grief is something you have to work through. It takes time. Remember that your own child may feel the same way about you later on if you treat your mother poorly because she didn't meet your expectations regarding your grandmother.

I want you to know that there are many people who wish that it is "over" when they are very ill and/or very old, regardless of how they are treated by their caregiver. I have a feeling that you aren't really old enough to understand that. (I'm not downing your age, by the way.) Quality of life can be so poor, the pain can be so great. Folks who are very religious tend to ask God to take them to heaven.

The fact that you have racing thoughts and insomnia means that you need some intervention with a doctor. I hope you will get it. If you don't, you won't be any good to your own child. The doctor can point you in the right direction for grief counseling, as well as helping you with your health.

morning
first, sorry for your loss, it's never easy losing someone we love so much..
That which I would first try and do to help mend your broken heart is to focus on what you DID do for your grandmother, and as you mentioned you did visit often.. there is something to be said about that and I am sure your grandmother felt great to have you near... she knew you worked full time and had a young child, therefore, how could you be her number one caregiver.. what matters is quality not always quantity.. so try and keep that in mind. now to your mother, you mentioned that your mom sacrificed a lot and now seems relieved that grandma passed. As someone who had a VERY sick mother who was in a lot of pain and who was going to require some type of hospice care either privately (which I could NEVER afford) or be in a state hospital... (which my mother didn't want) it was becoming very difficult for me .. I was so stressed out and had no means to get her private care.. when she did pass, I was relieved.. and I think she was too... granted, can't say I know for sure.. but she was in a great deal of pain.. Also, when she was living, despite her being a major alcoholic, I stayed by her side. this after she gave up her kids.. however, I was still always kind and loving to her.. even when she wasn't in return.. my point is.. if when the person is living you did your best towards them, loved them as best you could, cared for them.. then no need to feel guilty.... I don't..I admit, it was a relief when she died, but that doesn't mean I don't miss her... and would not have wanted her around. I did.. but it was hard with her in that state.. even for her.. so yes, relieved I was..what matters most in life is how you treat people when they are living... when dead, it's too late... therefore, it sounds like you were loving and kind towards grandma.. in which case, I would give yourself a break... as for mom... cut her some slack too... even if you don't see it, she probably misses grandma too and may regret the arguments.... try and keep your focus on your feelings and not what mom did or didn't do... otherwise, you ll stay stuck...
when you feel guilty.. acknowledge it and then say.. wait, I did do this or that for grandma... it's important to constantly remind yourself of the positive... otherwise, you ll keep focusing on the negative..

Well, everyone on here has given you condolences on your grandma. Grieving is a process as you are finding out that can take anywhere from one month to five years.

You have guilt that you did not or could not do more. You have your own family that comes first and then the extended family. Grandma knew this and did not ask you to move in with you. Your mom was single and living her life when the world turned upside down for her and she had to care for her mom your grandma.

Caregiving is a full time job even if it is for a short time. The caregiver has no one or if they do, it is a very very small circle of people to lean on. You give up yourself to care for another at all costs 24/7/365. Yes, you do get short tempered, you lose all patience, your ability to cope with any situation becomes short, and you may throw things like a child to relieve stress. When you can you find a way to stay away to find your inner self that has been lost to recharge your batteries so that you can carry on in silence.

So don't resent your mom for what she had to do with no break. Don't resent you for not doing more as you had your hands full with your own family. Let the ill feelings go. You cannot turn back the hand of time to make anything different.

Go to grief counseling if need be. Go out for a day in the park and sit and enjoy the fresh air, the birds and the breeze. Look at a flower and observe the beauty of it and if it is a rose, enjoy its fragrance. Accept that you cannot always change everything in life and let it be.

Now here is a big huge for you. Find a spot and grow a plant or tree in honor of grandma. As time goes on, the pain will go away and the memories will be great. She will always be with you and is watching you from afar. You might get a breeze or a bird fly by when there are none around and that will be her.

the other S.

PS I lost my parents at 9 and 14. Their memories are there but faint. I some times would like to have seen their faces with all the changes and technology that the 20th century created and have them compare it to their way of life. They were around with the Wright Brothers but barely so it would have been a good 100 year change.

Wow. Your mom was a 25/7 caregiver for 2 years. That's REALLY hard, as you've seen.
Have you initiated a conversation with your mom thanking her for taking care of your grandmother? Have you acknowledged how hard it was to provide that care and that it was NORMAL for her to feel overwhelmed. Also, express to your mom your regrets that you didn't/couldn't help more because of your circumstances.
I thnk those few conversations will help a great deal.
Your mom devoted 2 years of her life to care for her mom. Then she lost her. It's often said that we're never rule "adults" until we lose our moms.
Our mothers death is the first feather grieve alone.
Your mom, in spite of her anger and frustration, is hurting right now.
Take advantage of this lesson in regret and be there for your mom. She needs you.
As for your anxiety? Talk to your doctor.
Sorry about your Grammy.

Hi L.,

I am sorry to hear of your loss. When my father passed, the funeral home offered, free of charge, a 6 week grief group session. I attended that with my mom. It was a facilitated group and we both found it very helpful. My mom still sees some of the people from that group socially. Dad died in 2010. See if the funeral home can offer that, or something like it. If not, perhaps they can point you in a direction for some other sort of counseling. I agree some conversations are needed here but often when you're in a guided and/or supportive environment it can make a huge difference. take your time and remember no one processes grief in the same way...it's a very personal journey so be sure to respect yours and her. thoughts to you, S.

my cousin had past not to long ago i dont know if this will work for you but i would give it a try i wright leters to my her and it helps me so i would try it.

I am so sorry for your loss. Death is so hard and we all process it somewhat differently. I think both you and your mom had very normal reactions to all you went thru. Grief is a funny thing and can come with a whirlwind of emotion. I would say just forgive your mom and accept that the feeling of forgiveness may take time. And forgive yourself. When my sister passed I had a lot of guilt bc I had a young toddler at the time and I wasn't able to be there for her as I had been in the past. It took time to heal, bc I had to recover from the loss of my only sibling as well as feeling like I lost the last few months I had with her. It is a process and sadness, anger, pain are all a part of it. There is a group called Griefshare that meets in local churches usually. My mother went after my sister passed, she actually went twice. She said it helped a lot to know she was normal, and her feelings were perfectly ok. Often others traveling the same path can understand us better than people who just haven't been there. I didn't go, but I did see it help my mother. I just worked thru by trying to realize that in time I would recover. Hang in there, big hugs.