Trouble with the In-laws

I have to say that I would have never put myself in that situation, however, you have, so what I would do is nothing. I wouldn't provide groceries for them to eat, I would refuse to cook, clean or do anything that would benefit the free-loading mooches they seem to be. I would also have a talk with the fiance about the situation and he isn't able or willing to set them straight you may want to consider moving. You and your child deserve better than that! Good luck!

Firstly, if you're not married, they're not your in-laws. They're just your boyfriend's family.

Secondly, if you can't stand it now, it will only get worse if you do get married. Marriage never enhances this type of grievance(s). If he won't stand up for you as his girlfriend, I'd split, 'cuz (like I said) it isn't going to get better just because you wish it would.

Thirdly, don't marry the guy you think you can live with (especially when it already looks as if you CAN'T live with him and all his family): marry the guy who you know you can't live WITHOUT. Be as picky as you want to be. Don't 'settle' when you can 'select'. Of course, half of 'meeting' the right person is 'being' the right person, so live up to your own standards and also hold others to the ones of them (your standards) that are most important to you!

The situation you describe with your in-laws sounds totally out of control! Evidently they aren't about to be accommodating in any respect, and I truly think talking/reasoning with them is useless. If your communication with your fiance is good, when you next have private time together have that famous "little talk" in which you lay it all out. You seem to have a lot invested in your relationship with him, so it's well worth it to let him know your feelings (I doubt he'll be surprised to learn of his mom's and brother's unacceptable behaviors) and well understand your side. But remember, after this candid talk, if their behavior is still intolerable to you, my best suggestion, for your well being and your son's, is to live elsewhere; yes, I know that's a big step!, but if your fiance truly understands, he'll be only too happy (perhaps very, very relieved) to join you in a completely separate home. Good luck!

Well girl, I do not envy you at all! Tough situation! I would definitely be talking to the soon to be hubby and maybe be thankful you moved in first before marriage to see what it is really like? This may just be a blessing in disguise. If it's not right don't force it. God bless you and good luck!
Amanda

*Oh my advice, :) I'd be seriously considering moving out and raising your standards to what you deserve. :)

Well, with all due respect, from where I am sitting you should move back out. #1 it sounds like your fiance is gone most of the time anyway and your not really living with him, you are living with "them". #2 You and your child deserve more respect than that, not being quiet at bedtime, messing up what you clean up, feeding your food to the dogs!!..etc.....this would be really hard to deal with, and I'm trying to be nice...I say if you want to move in together get another place and let them have that one. That sounds like nothing but trouble waiting to happen.
You don't want you child being raised in an environment like that or you wouldn't be upset about it. Get out while you still can and take your fiance with you.
Best of Luck to you and your family!

I am so sorry for you. It's hard to say this, but here it goes, You ARE fooling yourself if you think things are going to change. I've been married 15 years and I"m still dealing with everything I was when I got married except now I have a 15year old and an 8 year old. You have to think of your son. Be good to yourself. Tell your fiance the truth and look for a place of your own. Maybe he'll come with you or maybe you can make a clean break. I am truly sorry.

Why would you move in when you are not married? I am old fashioned, but this is a destructive move on your part. You may marry him, but mother and brother come too? This is not worth it. Save yourself and your son, and get out, or you will make a grave mistake. This is your son's life now that you had him.

RUN, don't walk out of there! By staying you are just enabling his Mother & Brother to continue this life style. It would be a little different if you were already married, and couldn't get out of the situation, but if you do marry later, you can be assured that this will be your life, like it or not. Get an apartment or move in with family or a friend temporarly. Why put your son through this turmoil? He should be the most important thing in your life right now. If your boyfriend agrees to marriage and a life WITHOUT his family living with him, OK. Otherwise, be smart and call the whole relationship off. You don't need to be in this situation, and you are hurting your son. I know it is a difficult decision for you, but you have to be strong. Good luck in any decision you make and I pray you will do what is best for you and your son.

Get out as soon as possible and let your fiance know that it is an unacceptable living situation for you and your son and tell him why, calmly. Give him the opportunity of fixing it, after you move out of course. If he doesn't, then that tells you he's not good enough to be your husband and Tyler's step dad. Once your married, it will only get worse.

When you marry him, you marry the in-laws.

You have already started a pattern that is giving them permission to take advantage of you. If your fiance is not willing to stand up for you now, don't sit back and expect him to change or to change him. What you see now is what you can expect from him in the future. Instead of looking at the in-laws look at who you plan to marry and how he deals with this situation. This is a great opportunity to see how he will deal with issues in your marriage. Don't like what you see? Get out now while you can!

wow, what a mess! It's not YOUR mess so if I were you, I would take my son and leave. I realize this is tough when you love someone so much, but let me tell you, that little boy will be with you forever, a man may not...you really need to get out and make sure that he understands you can not and WILL not live a life like that. If he truly loves you and wants a life with you, he'll do the right thing and move them out. I think it best for you and your sanity. Fighting with in-laws can cause so much trouble for a marriage and be thankful you found out before the wedding! I had it out once with my in-laws and to my shock, my husband stood up for me! That told me so much about him and how he felt about me. Again, if he truly, truly loves you and wants to make a life, he'll do the right thing, otherwise, you will have already done it and know what not to get into. I'm sorry this happens, we sometimes think we can handle anything with the men by our sides, it's just much harder when they aren't by your side and family is in the middle....good luck and take care of that little one!

Get out of there and do it now. Your number one job is to protect your son. He's brought you in to the home to be a slave for his family.

S.,

Get out now! Don't wait. Find a friend willing to take you in until you can find a place of your own. Call your finace and tell him when he straightens out his family, he can call you. He cannot expect you to live like this. Plus think of what it is doing to your child. You love him? Think of your child first, then yourself. If your fiance can't deal with you leaving then it was never meant to be and he just brought you in to take care of everything so he doesn't have to.

I wish you luck.

E.

At 26, I'm sure you're having a very difficult time trying to figure out what is in your best interest and the best interest of your child. I do have some perspective to share...having been married for almost 20 years, I have learned that when it comes to in-laws, you have to VENT to your girlfriends - NOT YOUR HUSBAND. But you do need to communicate effectively, calmly and rationally to your fiance that this situation is not working out. He's not there, so he doesn't have the right to ask you to stay. For what? Before you communicate any problems with your husband, collect your thoughts and organize them into coherent bullet points (men really don't want to be the "complaint department"). Now, with all of that said, you have to figure out a plan. My first question is where were you living before you moved into fiances' house? Second, is your current living environment a healthy one for your child? (doesn't sound like it to me!) Third, why did you move in with them when your husband doesn't live there for any substantial period of time? Your situation is sticky. You need to draw your boundries NOW, before you actually get married. Your situation absolutely needs to be acceptable at the time of the wedding or you just don't get married. Perfect example, my brother and his wife waited having children because they were living with my father and his wife... that was 18 years ago and they still all live together!!! (with kids now too) they are all miserable with the situation but finances and codependency prevent them from obtaining separate households. And trust me, when my sister in law moved in (when my brother and she were engaged) she had ZERO intention of that becoming a long term situation. I would do what ever it takes to take your salary and get your own place. You aren't going to change the in-laws. And under one roof, they are going to interfere with your sanity as well as the integrity of your marriage and already they are interfering with the effectiveness of your mothering. It's very simple to explain that it's just to small of a house and that you refuse to inconvenience them any longer with the restraints that are necessary in raising a young child. It may seem like an expensive decision, but you have to decide what is more important at this point, your child and your impending marriage or your finances. It's clear they don't respect you or they would not behave the way that are. If you are paying that percentage of the expenses you are probably thinking that they should just move out. BUT, they were there first, (that's how they will see it) she will always be his mother (can't change that fact, she's there for good), you don't want to stress the mother-son relationship (BELIEVE me it will BACKFIRE!) If he did choose to make you happy , he will RESENT you for asking him to choose. (crazy, I know, but learn from my experience! it backfires in ways you can never imagine YEARS and YEARS later!) After you and your child get your own place and he returns from his long distance employment, let him clean up the mess of his family living in his house. Don't let this become your burden! Also, as a side note : start your own independent 401K NOW...pay yourself first and don't give all your money away! Hope this helps and good luck! Take the high road! Second piece of sidebar advise is to live a relationship that is not long distance for a substantial period of time before you walk down the isle. Every thing is always rosy when you barely see each other (my husband and I were long distance for 4 years, full time for 2 before we married). Your young, think out your decisions...I know it hard to hear that... that age was 10 years ago for me, and I remember getting the same advice...it's hard to hear, but we say it from a very loving place!

Shaun,

One thing I have learned the hard way in life is if you allow people the opportunity to run over you, THEY WILL. You need to really sit down alone and write it out. Pen to paper. Is this man capable of being a good father and husband? Will he put us before anyone else? Does he make me happy? Do I love him? Does he love his child? Am I capable of standing up for myself with his over abusive family members? Can I gain the respect deserved from him and his family? This is your life and your childs....It is also your childs father....You really need to sit down and think this one over by yourself. What is the best thing for you and your child? What changes would need to occur in order to stay? Think and write until you come up with a solution that makes you feel good inside. The more you write....you will find the answer.

Good luck.....

ONe last thing.....I have a mother-in-law that has taken advantage of the fact that her son is a wonderful person and would never talk back to her. So, after 20 years of enabling her to behave poorly and cause us much disaster....I finally spoke out....she is facing a whole new world as she is no longer protected by him. A person deserves respect when they have offered you the same in return. Take it from someone who knows, nip this in the bud RIGHT NOW. Let them know who they are dealing with and that they are on your turf. You are paying the bills! Come on! You can respectfully tell them that if they want to pay the bills, you are more than willing to do all the work and ignore the loud music, messy house, and uncooked meals! You have the upper hand in this situation. Your husband has left you IN CHARGE. Be the MAN! Kick them in the ARSh for goodness sakes....in a nice way:-)

oh yea, one last thing, I PROMISE!

Even if you decide to leave, by staying and speaking your mind and trying to work it out will build the confidence you need to face situations that WILL show similarities along the way in life. It will make you a better and stronger person. I do wish you all the luck in the world. And, confidence to speak your mind!

WOW! Bless your heart!!!! Well, it's definately better if HE says something to them. Have you laid it out for him? and told him that you can't live like that and that his family is causing trouble? What does he say????

Good luck with all this. You're kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place!

I know this is a difficult situation. My husband and I have had extended family that have lived with us before. One person was very kind and grateful and went above and beyond to do whatever they could to help out while they lived with us and others have made us feel like slaves in our own home. Since you are not married I would talk to your fiance and tell him as considerately as you can that you have learned that this situation is just not an appropriate environment for your child. I would make sure to let him know that you love him and want to be together, but for now you and your child are moving out and when the situation is different then and only then can you continue with your plans to be married and live together. Hopefully, he will choose to set up some boundaries and make some changes, but if not, end the relationship and don't look back. I'm not sure that I would get my hopes up. It is going to be extremely difficult for him to change this situation and it will be very emotional. Who knows - maybe he is tired of the situation as well and is ready to change things. Good luck. If he does change things be prepared to have a very cold relationship from his family for a while - especially from his mom and brother.

Wow !!! That is awful.. And the solution is for them to leave but since they do not work , I gather they do not have money.
So I think I would leave and tell your man that something has to change before you will come back. It is not healthy for your boy to leave like that. He is the most important person in this situation.
Another solution is to find a different house that has two living areas. then you have your and they have there and I would have mine locked to keep them out. No cleaning or cooking for them.
Another problem is our age and it seems you want to respect your mother-in-law. That is how I was raised but I think respect also must be earned.
You also need to respect yourself and stand up to them.
Good luck. P., 62 yrs young.

Hello,

Run away, far, far away!

OK. Remember when you marry him, you are also marrying his family. You need to have a serious heart to heart conversation with your fiance. And he needs to put his foot down with his family. If he doesn't then you need to leave the situation OR you guys live on your own WITHOUT his mother and brother. You are not a maid or a bank and they should not be taking advantage of you, especially after working a 9 hour day!!! Period! Don't make excuses for them. And stop cooking and cleaning after them!

Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh but you shouldn't have to live like this. I hope you have the strength to make the best decision so that you and your son are happy.

Good luck to you.

MOVE OUT and FAST! I know you love your fiance, but if he knows about the situation and is not willing to change it, then I can tell you...it will not work out! You have to realize that not only are you marrying him, you are marrying into his family. If there are not proper boundaries set in place, you are setting your marriage up on shakey ground. I have been married for ten years and I can tell you its hard even when you have good family and you're in love with your husband. Love is great, but you also have to have a support system to get you through the tough times. I'd say if he's ready to start a family with you then it's time for mama and brother to move out and support themselves. If not, then you need to get out of there! No one can live like a slave in their own home. Your house is suppose to be your sanctuary, where you can just be yourself and enjoy the people you love. PLEASE, PLEASE do it for your son!

.

I hate to say it, but it sounds like your fiance is planning on taking care of his mom (and maybe brother) the rest of their lives and will expect you to help. I agree you should run from this one. I know several women who got into several similar situations and none of them turned out well. If you and your fiance can't have your own place then you will never have your own life. The Bible says when a man and woman marry he should "leave his parents and unite with his wife" If he can't do that, you will never be happy or have a healthy relationship.

Your fiance needs to work out his boundary issues with his family before you and he will be able to have a healthy relationship. You should not be in that home at all until he confronts the problem of his mother and brother free loading, which is what it sounds like is happening. This is not a healthy environment for your child. Not only does it sound like he is living in a disturbing atmosphere in terms of cleanliness and noise, but he is also watching you being walked all over by people who have no business treating you that way. Yet you are letting them. What are you going to do when your fiance is gone for his job if life is this bad with him here? This is just my suggestion, but I think it would be wise for you to remove your son from that house, get your own place, and invite your fiance to join you, if you feel like you cannot live separately from him. But truthfully, if he does not deal with this problem, it is only going to end up straining your relationship until one of you breaks. You are going to end up with you pulling on him one way and his family pulling on him in the other so that he feels like he has to choose between you. That is a fight his family is not going to surrender gracefully because it would mean taking responsibility for themselves. And your fiance doesn't appear to be packing them out the door either. It might not be a bad idea to sit down and make out a future plan with your fiance as to how the "in laws" are going to be handled by both of you--couple's counseling may not be a bad idea either. Good luck to you!

Hi S.,
First, you may as well say you & your future husband pay ALL the bills.

Second (probably really should be first), you need to go back & obtain your own dwellings. If your fiance loves you as much as you love him, he will correct that situation prior to subjecting you & your son to it. However, it probably doesn't concern him as much, even being HIS house, because he gone MOST OF THE YEAR. I know you love him, but you have to "HONESTLY" ask yourself can you really deal with this and is it worth the stress on you & your child. Talk to your fiance about how you are feeling & see what he says. However, don't be surprised if it appears not to be a bother to him & he says well that is my mother & brother & I am not going to put them out. It doesn't bother him because he is not there in the mess everyday. It probably wouldn't bother me either if I was capable of taking care of them, but not "live" with them. He is hindering; not helping their growth. Since he can afford to take care of them & HIS house & live away for 9 months (surely he has an apartment or something). Ask him to PLEASE put them up elsewhere so you all can have HIS home to yourselves. I have to give you kudos because I would have never moved into that situation at all. I am the type of person, I couldn't marry someone who is not around 9 months out of the year; let alone deal with his inmature, disrespectful & lazy family members. You need to put your foot down or you will be the one to get stepped on. Your fiance either wants a wife & family (your children) or a momma/brothersitter and housekeeper (someone to help him pay the bills & keep the house clean).

Being even more straightforward...you didn't move in with your fiance, you moved in with his mother & brother. Your fiance doesn't live there; not really. You have alot to really think about & consider. I hope this works out in the best interest of you & your son. If you are stressed out, your son will not be happy.

God Bless & I will say a prayer for you & your son!

wow, IF THE BOYFRIEND ISN'T THERE WHY ARE YOU. IT ISN'T WORTH THE STRESS AND DISRUPTION TO YOUR SON JUST TO SAY YOU LIVE TOGETHER. MAYBE WHEN HE IS HOME HE CAN STAY WITH YOU GUYS. I CAN IMAGIME THE CRAZINESS. IS IT WORTH IT,. I CAN ONLY GUESS AS TO WHAT YOUR SON IS THINKING. GOOD LUCK. R.

You need to talk to your fiance and see if he feels the same as you. If he does then he should ask them to sit down with you, everyone all together for a family meeting. You need to pick one or two things that really need to change, the bedtime noise or whatever you really want to change and be willing to change something you do. Being in a family is a give and take situation. Sometimes you have to give more than take. Just make sure that it is not consistently you who give more. As far as the food my brother has a lot of people who live in his house and they have a rule about food. If someone has a name on it then it belongs to that person. If it has no name on it then anyone can use it. Good Luck

Hey there, I pray you will take to heart all this great advise you are getting...as in GET OUT!

These prospective (you aren't married yet) sound downright weird! Please don't ever leave your little boy alone with the brother...you just never know, esp. since this family sounds so disfunctional.

It doesn't sound like you have any meaningful conversations with your boyfriend. You MUST stand up for yourself for your little one's sake.

You are worth better than THIS! Leave, hun! :)

A few words to the wise: this is exactly what you can expect a life with him to be like. I, for one, would be running the other direction. You're getting the whole package, not just him for three months of the year. They have no reason to change their ways - they have it made. You're better than welfare: you even clean up after them. What is money, if you're going to be miserable and resentful (since you said you're invested in the relationship)? If you choose to stay, then you're accepting it and shouldn't bother complaining, because you chose it. Is this how you want your child to grow up? It takes more than love to make a successful marriage.

You need to move out until your fiance decides to make his mother and brother live on their own. This is simply not workable. You ought to have a vote, but apparently, he'd rather coddle his mother and brother than listen to you, which raises red flags in my mind. DO NOT MARRY HIM until he figures out an alternative solution to y'all being one big unhappy family. His mother and brother do not respect you and do not listen to you, and you cannot make them. Your fiance can, but he won't. That's not good! Do what is best for you and your son and LEAVE. When your fiance decides that YOU are worth him telling his mom and brother to take care of themselves like adults, then you have a possibility of a life together. Until then, you don't. Your simple, steadfast refusal to live in the same house with his mother and brother (because they are lazy moochers, not because you hate them) will force him to choose you over them. Your willingness to live in such a horrible state allows him to choose them over you. NOT GOOD! You don't have to get mean about it -- just calmly and mildly say that you are going to get an apartment for yourself and your son, and when he decides to choose you over his mom and brother, you'll be more than happy to move back into his house, but not before. And don't let him talk you into staying, or moving back in by promises of "taking care of it" -- make him take care of it first, then -- and only then -- you can truly start your lives together.

It sounds to me like you moved in with his mother and brother, not him. If he is away most of the time.

You have taken on two more toddlers. I would run honey. Seriously. Run as fast as you can. Sounds like someone is being taken advantage of and that someone is YOU.

This is so very sad for you, and for Tyler. Maybe you and Tyler could invite the fiance to move into a place with you, and leave mom and brother in the fiance's home? That might be a solution. Then when they destroy his home, he may see exactly what you are saying.

HI Shauna,

Did you know about this arrangement before you moved in? How old is your fiance? I can't believe that any woman would be OK with this type of behavior in her home - I really can't believe that your fiance is OK with this type of behavior in his home. You need to have a serious discussion with your fiance about this. Is he really OK with it, or does he just let it go because he's not there very much and wants to avoid the drama. If you are going to be married, things need to change. It will now be your house and his free-loading family will need to follow the new house rules. After speaking with him and coming to an agreement amongst yourselves, a family meeting is in order. I definitely do not believe that siblings have the right to live with you for free. You didn't mention how old he is, either. The mother is a little touchy, he may feel obligated to support her, but I would still insist that she follow the house rules if she wants to stay there. The two of you are paying, it is your house, your rules. You both need to stand firm on this or it will not work. I wish you luck! L.

Before you moved in did you get along with the mother & brother-in-law? I was just wondering if they are resentful of you marrying their son/brother and afraid they will lose their free ride. There is a chance they are acting this way on purpose hoping it will make you move out. Just something to think about.

Walk away now.. It will not get any better.

The main question you need to ask yourself is what role models do I want for my impressionable son. Are you personally modeling the life you hope he will one day want to lead, and are you providing people in his life who model those values and lifestyles. He is the most important person in this situation. In all of the turmoil that abounds, never lose sight of that.

Thoughtfully yours,

A Mom and Gramma

Your Fiance might need to be the one to talk it out with them, or at least be present to show where he stands on the matter. If it is his place, he needs to be a big part of setting the rules.

I don't know what the solution is, but I do know he needs to be a part of it.

If he can't or won't, you might need to consider alternative living arrangements until he chooses to back you up. Otherwise the rest of your life will be a nightmare.

Talk to him at length first. Get his support & help. Be clear about your needs and the things you can compromise on.

Who's dog is it?
If it is yours, ask them to please not feed him. If it is not, tell them they are welcome to pay you back for the food you bought that they are giving the dog. Again, get your man's support first. IF he can't support you, you might need to reconsider the arrangement.

Good luck to you, I know there is no easy solution.

P

you didnt say who owns the house. did you tell him any kind of rules you needed to have concerning your child. i think you have a right to tell them how you feel about your child, if you are going to live there. just talk to them when he is there have family meeting. also ask they help with the bills. is the brother disalbed or something.

Personally, if I were you, I would find an apartment to rent until you and your fiance get married. Upon getting married, I would expect to live as a family without his mother and brother in the same house.

If you choose to stay where you are right now, I would just try to do the best I could to get by. You're obviously not going to change your in-laws but they will be your family as well once you get married, so I would want to have a decent relationship with them.

You are not out of line when it comes to expecting a certain environment for you and your child, and you should not have to finance others lifestyles unwillingly. But the solution to me would be just not to do it by living somewhere else until you are married. It sounds like you could save a lot of money by not paying for them and you might remove some hardships posed to your child's schedule. You also mentioned that they do not appreciat the groceries you buy... Very few people appreciate something that is given to them as much as they would had they earned it themselves. And you do not have to adapt to anything that you do not want to. As much as you love your fiance, your son's well-being and healthy homelife is the one thing that only you have control over, and in my opinion that takes precedence over all else.

Of course I do not know all the details behind why you've decided to live there, and you may need to stay. Best wishes on a happy family!

And I thought I had it bad. Been married 8 yrs. and mother and father in-law have been in and out of our house since we started dating.
First, sounds like the brother needs to get a job, do something.
The mother could help out everywhere.
If you fiance is out of town so much you are the head of the house. If you fiance wants it to work then he would back you on that. Set the rules and let everyone know what they are. If they don't like it they can always find another place to live. No excuses, there is always a way to find money or whatever they need to live somewhere else.

Good luck!!

Holy cow. There is NO WAY I could live like that. You and your fiance' WILL fight over this in the future. I would take your fiance' out to dinner or somewhere private and have a serious talk about your future together. I would ask him how long he plans to support his brother and mother. I would delicately explain the issues that you have with living with more than just your immediate family. Being newly married has enough challenges, this is not one that usually comes with the pkg. I would consider moving back out on your own, whereever you were before moving in with your fiance' and tell him that you would love to live with him elsewhere. You could buy your own house together, a new start. You want it to be BOTH of your house anyway, not his. I would also consider offering to help his mother and brother....depending on your salary and his. Offer them to stay in his house if it is cheap enough or offer a certain amount per month to go toward their condo, apt, or home of their choosing...but the amount you decide is ALL that you will do. Does he plan on seriously living with his family forever???? You mentioned his mother does not work, does his brother? Are they disabled? There is just no way you can marry into a situation like this when it is hard for you to deal with as roomates. Especially the fact that you mentioned your fiance' is out of town 9 months out of the year.........no way. That means YOU are living with them ALL year. He wants to have a family of his own, he needs to support his OWN family in their OWN home and if he chooses to take care of his mother and brother, he needs to take care of them separately. If you do not mind part of both of YOUR incomes going to support his family, then that part will not be an issue for you. Living with them will cause you divorce before you even hit your anniversary. Sorry to be so harsh but you have to be real with yourself and the rest of your life that you are planning. Good luck! W.

I agree with some others - first talk to your fiance about these problems and come up with a plan you can both live with. Then present the plan to the mother and brother. If one of them owns the house, the two of you and your son may need to move out and live in your own house. If your fiance owns the house and you all pay for everything, they need to agree to the plan you set up ($ of groceries paid for by you vs. them, who cooks, who cleans the kitchen etc) and stick to that, otherwise they will need to move out. Make a chore chart and rotate it once a week or a month. Agree to cook the meals if they pay for the groceries, etc. This is common courtesy, roommates would need to agree to something like this even if they weren't family. Set a deadline by which to review the contract. I would even write it out as a written contract. If they are not complying by that deadline, they will have a certain number of weeks to look for a new place to live. If they want to negotiate some things like what they feed the dog, let them. Show you can give a little leeway, but pick a few things that you will not budge on (e.g., noise after a certain hour). Hopefully you can work it out amicably and maintain good relationships. If your fiance doesn't agree with you on or support you in it, maybe he's not the right guy to marry.

Move out. Do it for your son and do it for yourself.

Like many other responders, I agree that you cannot and should not adapt to this situation. If it is your fiances house, not his mother's, he needs to address this issue now. You cannot handle issues directly with his family of origin, that is his job, as it is yours with your family. If he cannot, or will not, address this on your behalf he is telling you his family will always come first. As much as you love him, this will not allow your marriage to survive. You and your relationship must be the priority. Talk this over with your partner and see if you can reach a soluttion he can implement with his family. I wish you luck.
L. D.

WOW! It is never easy living with extended family. I guess some people would tell you that you knew what you were getting into, but you never really do until you actually are doing it. If I could give you any advice would be to either except the family for who they are (as horrible as it may be) or clearly explain to your fiance that it is just not healthy for you to live this way. Life is stressful enough than to add other pressure to it that does not have to be there. You guys are getting married and making these decisions together is very important.
I have had many a inlaw situation, and have also lived with them for a time. Was not the greatest time in my life. Keep communicating with your fiance in a loving and understanding way. I mean they are his family so you have to be sensative, but make sure that you come up with a solution that is going to make the two of you happy, not the in-laws.
Good luck, many great wishes

It sounds as if you are the one who is handling this ordeal. I think your fiancee is the one who needs to handle the situation(even if he is out of town on and off for those nine months). This is his family, not yours. Any say-so you may have would cause a riff between you and your future in-laws, and can possibly affect your relationship with him. Chances are, the situation was already this way when you moved in, so until your fiancee says anything, don't expect it to change. Just tell your fiancee about the situation and that living arrangements are not working out and that you cannot get married under these circumstances either. Finding this out now can prevent heartache if you were already married.

I've been down that road before several years ago. I moved back out a month after I moved in. It was with my own mother and brothers, though, with my two sons and my now ex-husband. What an ordeal that was!

Do you really want to be in this situation? If he (your fiance) does not change things now, they won't be in different after the wedding. Either he makes changes, or you need to seriously evaluate how much you are willing to endure to be married to someone you don't see 9 months out of the year.

Well, honey if it were me I would run as far as I could and not look back. But you are not me and I am sure you have thoroughly thought this through. Just remember that when you marry your fiance you also marry his family. One more thing, if your fiance has a job that keeps him away for long periods of time will be a really hard way to live especially for that little boy. I'm sure the trade off is making great money but sometimes money isn't always the answer for being able to have a family all together. These are just my worries of what you and your son's future look like to me. Good luck and God Bless to you and your son.

Cindi