Getting Married "Do I or Don't I"

I have in-laws like this too. What I try and remember is I married MY HUSBAND not his whole family. When I step back and remember that I smile!!

Could the bad feelings from his family stem from the fact that you have a daughter out of wedlock? That doesn't go down well with many families and bad blood can linger, lax as attitudes have become in our society. I know it seems then that a marriage would remedy those feelings, but if they've decided they don't like you it could seem more like now you're absolutely here to stay.

These people have been your "family" ever since you had a child, and they will always be her family no matter what. I say do the right thing and marry her father, give her a proper family environment by making it legitimate. Show her that commitment means something.

This situation all depends on your man. If he is willing to take your side and tell them to back off if need be. I think it's a winner. I wouldn't worry too much about his siblings liking you either they will or won't. I don't think that you should run your life according to what they expect of you. Be yourself, your soon to be hubby likes who you are. Not who you are trying to be for his family.

I have to say that i have been in a situation like that as well and that it was very uncomfortable and not right! I had put up with it for 3 yrs then i got out! For you i would have to say do what you feel is the best thing to do for you and your child! Follow your heart!

W. S.

Hi K.
I have gone through the same thing with my husbands family. It took a great toll on our marriage because he would let his sister say mean hurtful things about me and not say anything. We went to marriage counseling and that helped us alot but taught me how to not take this so personally. The only person I can change is myself after counseling and haveing a huge talk about why she didn't like me.She stoped saying those things and we have become good friends. I think if you have ANY doubts about getting married. You should do some pre mariatal counsling. Things do not get easier with marraige. unless you two are completly united on everything. Good Luck :) T.

Just remember, contrary to what our culture says today, you are marrying the family.
B. H

If you want to marry him because you love HIM, regardless of what his family is like, DO IT! But work with your soon-to-be-hubby to lay down some ground rules on how to deal with his siblings. It is possible that they just need some time to accept that you two are officially together after you are married. Some people are weird like that.

If you marry him you marry the whole family. You have to see them at holiday's and birthday parties. You have to communicate with them for the sake of your child. It might be best to move out of state so you don't have to see them if you do decide to go through with it. How stressful is this situation? it seems like it's very stressful. It's your choice. In my view point, by getting married you are making things right with God. This is hard because by getting married you make things right and by not getting married you make them happy and it appears it will decrease tension. I would say you should get married. It's your life and if they can't accept that they should not attend the wedding. I would ask the people in your wedding if they are in the wedding because they feel obligated or if it's out of support. If someone was in my wedding who didn't support us and did it beacuse they were family I'd confront them and kick them out. You need supportive people. Make sure the person who weds you asks everyone in the room that if they object to this wedding or is unwilling to show full support speak now or forever hold your piece. This hit a cord with me when my Dad married my step-mom. I was against them getting married and never spoke up when I had the chance. I never told my Dad or the step-mom after I had my chance that I was against their wedding. I always reflect back on what the pastor asked everyone. If they do say something later I'd remind them that they had their chance.

Sorry to be flip floppy but this is a hard one. You love him and it will make it right with God. That is far more important then their "feelings". If you are having doubts with him specifically then I'd wait to marry and do counseling.

the pressure is probably on because of the wedding and the stresses that come along with weddings, and the being tied forever to THESE NUTS...

I too am getting married in June, I have a mother in law, who thinks her sons will always love their mother more than anyone else forever, and should do as she says...all the time, problem with that is these 'children' were adults the minute they turned 18...then they all have a choice, usually when someone chooses their new family the one they get to create for themselves, the 'blood' family gets hurt feelings and more so than not, input their opinion in a life that is not theirs, claiming they know what is best...

I think the issues with his family will dewindle after the wedding, you already know what ticks you off and what you can handle...do the rule of thumb, he handles his family, you handle yours, and remember (harder than it sounds I know) but we have to act and not react, to the crazy demands of those pesty to be in-laws...

just be very thankful they don't live in the same house as you!!!

Hey K.! As long as you are being honest with your self, all you have to do is follow your heart, and you'll know what to do. I know its short and sweet-- but I follow my own advice, and it always works! I'll say a prayer for ya!
S. E.

Hi K.! My advice, for what it's worth, is to remember the problem with the soon-to-be-inlaws has always been there. I've had somewhat of the same problem, and have been married for 12 years now. This year it has gotten better. Not because they changed but because I reached the point that I've learned to ignore them and agree to disagree. Hopefully your man is supportive of you and knows his relations like to cause problems and the two of you can blend. After being together 6 years now isn't the time to give up. Hang in there!

Hi K.,
DId you think about getting married in a court house? My hubby and I got married on a beach then had a party a month later. We wore our "wedding" clothing and had a great time. We didn't have to ask anyone to stand up for our wedding and just had the photographer be our witness. Just the paster,photographer, us and God. (you would want your daughter there thou).
As for the in-laws. Stop trying to be so nice and getting them to like you. Just be you. THey will come to like you just for you.
I lreally like what PATTY K had to say here. You and your husband have to agree that just maybe.....both sides of the family are crazy. We (my husband and I) used to try to figure out who was the most 'normal', but gave up on that. We too just decided that they are all crazy and we try really hard not to take things said or done to seriously.
You love him, marry him. Don't think about the inlaws.
I bet you all will feel more settled and happy.
I also read in here, someone said that you need to find someone to blow off steam too. See if your madical insurance will pay for theropy. All you would need is a counsler. They are wonderful to talk to(if you don't like the one you get, try another)They also can't repeat what you say. They are safe to talk to. I love mine. It's better than yelling at my husband! (smiling)

Good luck and God bless,
L.

Married 9 yrs 44 yrs old - SAHM - 3 kids, 7 yr old boy, 4.5 yr old girl and 3 yr old boy.(two youngest adopted, oldest is invetro) All specail kids. All Gods children.

Oh Boy, I dont know if I should answer this or not. I am the mother of a son that is only 19 years old. How old are you and your fiance? My son's girlfriend has a six month old baby which may or may not be his. They are talking marriage also. However, this girl does not want anyone in my sons life not even his family. If you get married you will marry is family also. Why should he choose between you and them. They are true blood and the people that gave him life. If you love him than you are loving them also because they raised him and that is why you love him. Understand my point. Dont be so selfish and at least try with his family before you do some damage and make him choose. If you love him you shouldnt make him choose he will fall into his duties as a man, father, and even a husband the best he knows how. It is unfair to try to kick his family out of his life when you have only been around for five years and they have been around his whole life. How would you feel if your daughter got married and the man in her life hated you as the grandmother and he kept her away from you. Karma is always going to be there no matter what. What comes around goes around. I hope this helped.

Having been down the "crazy in-law" road, when current hubby and I were getting married I told him it was very important that he make the commitment that me and our family that we were making. He was born into that family, he was choosing this family, and he needs to stick by that choice. We agreed that we would each be the "buffer" between our spouse and our families, and in front of the families we would ALWAYS support our spouse, even if later in private we may tell the other they were out of line....

Just read Stacy N's response- personally I am offended myself, and offended for you K.....your family is your family, cherish it- someone else's definition of "proper" (excuse me while I choke) is absolutely ridiculous

K.,

This is the most difficult thing to even comment on but I am going to give it a go. I know you want to be sensitive to your soon-to-be husband's family(your future in-laws) but you are marrying your husband not his family. So I would not even go the route of "not sure" for his family's sake. The adjustment period will take some time because it is a process. You just continue to do what you do to make your husband happy and respect his family members as much as possible, steer clear of the "He Said, She Said" as it is totally childish & Pray to God that He will work out the rest. God honors love and marriage so He will not let anyone cause your marriage to be damaged in any way.

A marriage is between two people, not their family. Allow the love that you two share to direct your relationship not all the other outside issues called family. Things will work out. I have been with my husband since we were teenagers, now we've been married for almost 3 years in May. I love my husband and I married Him, not his family & I don't allow interference in our marriage. His family are lovable people and most of the time they work my nerves too but nothing compares to how much I love Him.I married Him and not his family! Me and His mother use to have a rough time now she loves and accepts me because I make her ONLY son very happy. She can't change that! I hope that helped.

A Little about me:

Fulltime Wife, Mother & College Student with 3-children (19, 16, & 12) & 2 Grand-children (2-y & 8 mos.), graduating in May 2008 with my Associate's Degree in Business.

Well, you know what they say..."you don't just marry the person, you marry the family". All relationships, even the strongest ones have strange family dynamics. What you should do is decide how supportive your fiance is towards you, your feelings and your daughters well being when it comes to those family squables. Does he choose you or his family, or sometimes, there can be a happy medium and he can choose both?...that may be an indicator of how long this will continue. If he supports you most of the time and is in agreement about how crazy his family is, then you will make it. I'd guess that in most families, people choose their battles carefully and let alot go for sanity purposes. As long as you are both on the same page, you should marry because there isn't anything he can do to control his crazy family. If you're not on the same page alot...then, I'd second guess things because he may eventually choose family over you. My hubby and I have decided LONG ago that both of our families are crazy, so we choose our battles and pretty much never battle and we blow things off because of course..."they're crazy, so of course they see things that way, but it's not their fault...they're crazy."

Good luck.