Hi everyone,
it's me again. I am going through a rough time right now. I'm supposed to plan my wedding (which is going to be in September) and we are supposed to look at this location on Thursday, that place books out so quickly. Anyway, my future hubby just goes ahead and tells his parents to come over and watch the kids. The only thing is, I don't trust his parent's. I've had these issues with them for quite a while now. It already starts with my son not "liking" her. He starts crying whenever she takes him and she can't calm him down. We've been having some trouble with him not eating right, and she just says "he's not hungry" doesn't even try. They are never around during the day, 5 min. at the most, so they have no idea of how we do things. She keeps asking questions about how to do a certain thing, and then just goes ahead doing whatever she wants anyway. She has anxiety disorder, so I am scared that the kids will get too much for her and she has an attack, happens quite often. I just don't trust her being alone with my kids. My hubby never stands up to me. He is always defending his parents, it's always my fault, and I am always wrong. When I confront him, he just says I am overreacting. Am I really overreacting? Should I let loose a little? I just want the best for my kids, is that too much to ask for? I am really at a loss here. Any response would be greatly appreciated.
Trisha
I always try to sit down and talk to him. He just never listens to what exactly I have to say. I feel like his parents are trying to run our lives at times. Telling him/us what we should do and what not. I think his Dad knows more about our financial informatin than I ever will know!! He always goes back talking about his parents and wanting to show me the "good" side. I just don't like them, I don't get along with them, and I don't want to hear or talk about them. They have made several comments in the past, when I wasn't present, about me going to work (I go to school ful-time). I just don't think it's any of their business, if Patrick and I decide that we can afford for me to stay at home with the kids, then it's none of their concern. About my family watching my kids, I don't really trust my sister to watch the kids, she's more of a yeller, and I just don't want my kids exposed to something like that. My mother usually watches the kids (she is the only person that I can really trust), and there has never been a problem. I just got really upset yesterday when Patrick came home and said that he talked to his parents and they would watch the kids on thursday, he did not check with me on that at all (he doesn't really do that about anything), and I had already told my mom to watch them. Why does he even worry? I am the one that watches the kids all day everyday, I am perfectly capable of finding a babysitter for my kids. The babies don't really have a problem with me leaving, since I do that on a regular basis, when I go to school. Even when I ask him to watch the kids, he is NEVER EVER alone with them. He always calls his parents to come over, so they can play with the kids. I am always on the look out when the in-law's are here, to see what makes me that way, I guess it's just things like - he starts crying and the first thing I hear is "time to go back to Mama". My son is almost 6 months old, and they have seen him 5 times tops, and they are trying to tell me that they know my kids? I just don't want to leave my kids with someone that I don't trust, I don't understand why Patrick can't see that, is that so bad?
Im like Christine if he doesn't stick up for you now. You really need to sit down & talk to him about how you feel & why you feel that way.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but your "hubby" isn't your husband yet. If he doesn't stand up for you now, he never will. Think how long his parents will be in your lives. Is that really what you want for yourself and your children?
I agree with others that you should trust your instincts. Better to be safe then to be on the 6:00 news.
I totally understand what you are going through. For reasons of my own I don't like for my mother-in-law to watch my children..under no circumstances.. My solution find your own babysitter. One that your children enjoy being around and one who you are comfortable leaving them with. Maybe there is a teenager nearby that could use some extra money, and who makes babysitting a fun event for your child. If you already have your babysitter on hand than you can tell your future-in-laws Thanks but No thanks! Works everytime for me. My babysitter is 13 and she's great my kids love her.
hi.I have to tell you that after reading your problem, I got really upset. I feel it is not only wrong of your future in-laws to undermind you like that, but for your future husband to not stand up to you. With your children being so young, I feel you have every right to be upset. If your son doesn't like someone it is for a reason. Kids can sense things that adults can't. I think you really need to have a sit-down with Patrick and discuss these issues with him before you get married. You have to be on the same page for a marriage to work, especially when it comes to raising children. And if the inlaws arent going to respect the way you do things then tell them they can't watch the kids...SORRY FOR THE LONG BABBLING...
ALWAYS trust your instincts. if your IL's make you nervous, dont let them sit for you. i gotta tell you from experience (my MIL sounds alot like yours, asking you something and then ignoring your answer, etc.) that if your husband is not on your side than it is only gonna be more difficult. when he says you're over-reacting, tell him, that may be but it doesnt change the way i feel. when i had the Talk with my hubby i was very clear and calm about it, i kept my anger out of the conversation altogether. i told him that i was very uncomfortable about leaving our son with his mother and gave him the reasons why. and then i told him 'all these things make me think that she would not respect our wishes as far as how we want things done.' and if you have to, play the 'silly nervous mom' card. you know--'well, probably i'm just being silly and nervous but it just scares me. you'll have to bear with me and help me to explain to her that i'm scared.' maybe you guys can work it out so she sits while you're still in the house and you can see what it is she does that freaks your little one out.
you could always take your little one with you to look at the location. mines six months old and we have never left him alone with anyone. when the get irritated i say 'well im still so nervous, i'm just not ready to leave him.' i am breastfeeding so i have that excuse, too.
good luck, be firm, and trust you and your sons instincts. they're there for a reason.
P. I must tell you I have two children with special needs. When they came home everyone thought I was overreacting because I would make them wash their hands before picking up the babies and made sure they couldn't come visit if they were sick etc... Due to my strictness my premature babies never went back to the hospital and are doing great now 7 and 4 years old. Where I'm getting at is YOU ARE MOM, YOU AND ONLY YOU know what's best for your kids. Listen to yourself and the reactions of your kids because if you don't and something goes wrong you won't forgive yourself. As for your fiancee well, As the previous mom stated. A marriage is a commitment and a bond. He needs to stand up for you and be by your side no matter what. Especially when it comes to the kids. What will happen in the future when your kids are older and you say no to something and your hubby tells them yes? Think about it. Analyze what you want to say and the point you need to get across and sit with him. Make him understand that you need him to be on your side 100% Good luck to you and sorry for the long advice. *hugs to you and your angels*
I tend to agree with the other posts here already and a calm sit down talk with your future husband is needed to sort out both sides of reasoning about his parents.
You never mentioned why you don't have your own parents watch your kids, how do they feel about his parents ect.....
Do his parents watch your kids at your home? If so a nanny cam can prove if something is going on that your kids are unable to tell you about.
At their age it could be they don't want to see mommy go somewhere without them and are acting out and cry's can sometimes get them what they want, the words acting out don't mean they know how to act and may not be the right word, but you know what I mean.
Anyway a hidden camera or microphone, but camera is best to catch the sitting.
But as others have said, go with your instincts
I can understand your husband wanting his parents to watch the kids because it is family and I'm sure they want to see the grandkids more often. However if you do not think they will take care of the children properly then you need to make alternate arrangements. It is always difficult to leave kids w/ in laws or parents because sometimes they like to raise kids the way they did and not the way you do. On the contrary if it is just going to be for an hour or two you may want to just consider it but if it is going to be for more then 3 hours then I would look for an alternate option. Your responsibility is to make sure your kids are safe, taken care of, and loved. I'm sure the loved would be a checkk but make sure the other two can be checked off as well. I would sit down and talk to you FI. Tell him you know his parents love the kids but you just don't feel right about leaving the kids with her... you could even say you feel bad because you think they are a handful and may cause too much anxiety. So I guess my advice is to figure out if she can handle the kids for a short time or not and then talk calmly with your FI. It doesn't matter who finds the childcare but it does matter if it is a good choice or not.
Its easier said than done, but yes you need to lighten up. I used to be the same way with my son who is now almost 2. If your a stay at home mom you could have seperation anxiety. I know I did. I hated to leave my son with anyone because I didnt feel they could take care of him the way I did. Just remember that his mom is a mom. It may have been a while but you never loose it and at least she wants to take care of the children. Dont worry about them being to much for her, give her some credit. If she didnt think she could handle them and thought it might be to much then she wouldnt offer. You have to learn to give a little or your soon to be hubby may not want to be your hubby.
A. R.
Hi Trisha,
Best that you and your future hubby agree on what should be done with the kids- both of you take ownership of what is best for them and he will hopefully stick up for your joint
'rules" for the kids..
Have a wonderful da
M.
I feel that you should try to work out issues with your fiance first. Maybe when you tell him your worries, you are already a little frazzled. Men don't like to be bombarded. Find a time when say the children are sleeping and bring it up nicely. Explain to him that it's not just his mother's methods of treating your children i.e. the eating. but also explain that your worried they could upset her condition. See if you could work out a schedule with his parents to visit when it is with you two there, this way you can show them how you do things with your family. If you don't get your honey on your side, or atleast to see your point of view it could get ugly. Either way try to sit down and talk with him, if that doesn't work try saying something to his mother, explaining that while she did a wonderful job raising your fiance you have different views on how your children should be raised. Unless she is a horrible person she should respect you for coming forward with whats best for your children.
