Trouble W/ Long Time Friend

Be honest with her. Tell her you don't want to lose the friendship, but you are her friend - not her maid or nanny. You want to help her, but not at the expense of being taken advantage of. If she is a true friend and a caring person, then she will understand and try to work on doing what she needs to do.

Hi Trisha,

Boy that is a tough one...I have lived through what your going through except with friends, then their relatives, and then "his" relatives of a live in boyfriend. His relatives came after I kicked the others out "after" free rent and eats for two weeks! The first group were slobs...they were all illegals, they cooked with lard, which got all over the kitchen. Most of them slept in the living room (in their clothes!) The stink of 5 guests in a small apartment, and 4 adults...well you can imagine. The straw that killed the camel?...Finding a used tampon when getting in to my shower!

Then the boyfriends brother in law and sister moved in, East Indians. The kitchen turned into a curry and garlic bazaar. Basically no English was spoken to me...After a year "I" moved out with my little girl to start a new life which was not easy by any means, but it beat having to deal with people who did not give a rats (you know what) if they offended me or not.

My mom used to say "Company is like fish...After three days they stink." I would look into section 8 housing, Salvation Army, Volunteers of America, even your local church to help your friend out. There is plenty of low income housing out there. Is your friend working? Is she contributing to the housework? Doesn't sound like it. Is she getting child support? Food stamps? Wic? Leap? You may qualify after awhile if you keep supporting a family of 8 is it? Yours and hers...What does your husband think about this?

I don't mean to sound unchristian...but these issues need to be addressed so that you can have your sanity back. God said "Turn the other cheek" Not be a doormat!
You are a wonderful friend, but even friends can be used. Been there done that.

Love and blessings,
C.

she sounds like she is depressed. but. it is your house and your kids and if you care for her kids she needs to know that what she is doing is not acceptable. dont confront her in a threating manner jsut sit down and talk when you can both be alone. she may not realise what she is doing. or that it bothers you. but you cant let her run over you either. when you stepped in the poop you should have told her and asked that she clean it up . the more you do for her without sayin ganything the more she is going to let you do. and she may have a couple of things she doesnt like about you too. just sit down and tell her that things are getting hard for you and that yo dont want yor firendshipto suffer becasue of it and set some rules for both of you and for the kids. they must be hurting too with all the changes and they need to have some structure.

I wonder if the combination of stress and different standards might be making her kind of oblivious. Would you feel comfortable making some direct and clear requests? I'm thinking something along these lines: "We have a rule in our house that we only eat at the table. I'd appreciate it if you would make sure your kids don't carry food around."

If you smell a diaper, maybe you could say "Would you mind changing the baby? I can smell that she's poopy."

That way you rather than a big confrontation about values and consideration, you could just make a few direct requests for specific behaviors as needed.

You absolutely need to say something to her. You are not doing either of you a favor by keeping this inside. Eventually you will get fed up and it will likely come out in a more damaging way than if you tried to have a constructive conversation now. Try not to use the word "you" too much, (i.e. "You do this" and "You do that") so that she doesn't get defensive. You need to just say that you really want to help and you enjoy having her stay with you but there are some things that are troubling you that you would like to discuss so that you can continue to have a good relationship going forward. Tell her you care enough about her and her children that you are willing to have this difficult conversation. Be prepared for her to be defensive, but she will likely calm down once she's thought about it. You are doing a good deed, it shouldn't have to be this difficult for you. I have learned the hard way on this subject and I can guarantee relationships only get stronger when they are dealt with honestly. Ignoring the problem will never make it go away! Good luck!

Trish, I am a mother, although older with grown kids, I am enjoying this site as a grandmother of 1. As for the friend living with you... If the friendship is important to you, then you must confront the issue. If indeed she is your friend, then it will be well worth it. Find a time when you are both home, kids are settled either playing or asleep. The kids being in bed would probably be better. I would make a list first of the important things to you about your friendship. Then write the things that need to be addresses. When you sit down to talk begin by telling her how much she means to you. Your happiness and the childrens is very important, too. If she doesn't know how you are feeling she does not have the opportunity to change things. Two women in a home is a tough one at any time. Good luck and I would love to hear from you. C.

T.,

She needs rules and boundaries. A friend helps out and takes responsibility for her children. If she is not pulling her weight, you need to give her a date to shape up or ship out! This is not a true friendship if she is taking advantage of your kindness and destroying your home. You have worked to hard to get where you are at. The kids need rules about keeping the food in the kitchen at the table.

Good Luck and Merry Christmas
C. B

Wow - what a challening situation!

If you let her know that you are trying your best to keep manage of the house (and your own 2 kids) and that you really need HER HELP, it will make it seem less threatening than telling her what she "isn't" doing.

You are a very good friend to offer up your home to 4 people!

I am not sure how old all of the kids are - if they are old enough to have a chore chart? If they are too young, maybe you can say to your friend, "I know the kids are too young for chores/charts - but what if you and I had charts of our own?" You can say, "With 5 kids between us, it will help us a lot!" It would help you keep organized and fairly distribute responsibilities. It would also open up the opportunity for polite discussion about things you've noticed her slacking on with her own kids, etc.

It's hard to be under a microscope living with someone else, but just as hard for the home owner to lose their privacy. I am sure that if your friendship and mothering relationship is so close, you will succeed in communicating what you both want/need.

Happy Holidays!

There are a few issues here. The first one is YOUR boundaries. If you don't set your boundaries, communicate them clearly with all involved, set the consequences of overstepping the boundaries and then actually implement those consequences, then your friend cannot be expected to behave in a way that you would. We all have different concepts of what's acceptable. Obvously, your friend's concept is very different from yours. If you set your boundaries and communicate them and the consequences clearly, be prepared to implement whatever consequences you've set.

If your friend becomes angry and/or ends the friendship, that is her choice. Your choice is deciding how important a friendship with a person that doesn't respect you and the friendship enough to abide by your boundaries. Is that friendship worth it? Only you can choose.

The other thing that I've learned is that people hear what they hear and often it bears no relationship to what we've actually said. You have no control over what your friend hears, how she interprets your words, her feelings about your words or her actions. A very difficult, but liberating action is to let go of what someone else does with your words. If you are clear inside yourself (your intentions), then whatever the outcome you'll be okay.

A few last ideas: 1) two very powerful phrases I've learned are: I choose and I am responsible. 2) I take a few deep breaths and then drop my focus into my heart before I have difficult conversations with friends, loved ones and really anyone.

I wish you peace in your journey with your friend.

Sounds like you need to set some rules while she will be staying with you. TO be honest, I would not consider a person with those characteristics to be a great person. She sounds a little lazy and selfish to me. Either way, good luck. It's your home, you make the rules.

Dear T. H,

I had a similiar experience thrown into my lap.

About a 3 mos after my husband and I discovered that we were pregnant (with my first child), his 22yr old daughter with two boys of her own, ages 3 and 18 mos, announced that she was leaving her husband.
This was a good step for her, but it led to years of coming over to our home for extended weekends for a much need 'break.
This was completely understandable, she was a young single mother with two toddler boys, and a break is something that she desperately needed. The problem is that she was so busy being 'overwhelmed' with her own situation that she did not lift a finger or offer to contribute toward any of the housework when she stayed with us.
This translated into A LOT of work for me. (I was a working mother with two little ones myself)

She had nothing left to give apparently, and if there was, she wasn't offering.

From my perspective: It felt like we had become a little vacation for her where she could get help watching her kids.
She would often sit on the couch overwhelmed staring at the TV while they got into everything until enventually, she would yell at them.
This of course led to more crying and misbehaving and acting out from the kids ....she was clearly depressed and out-matched..... but mostly out of pride, refused all offers to go to counseling.
During these visits we paid for their food, and I cleaned up after everyone, especially after every visit to restore my home...the bathroom, tub, toilet, sheets, towels, vacuuming, carpet cleaning, dishes...etc...
At the end of her stays, she would pack up the kids, leave in a miserable, angry, and depressed rage about her life and her situation.

This went on for YEARS!!! After 4yrs, I couldn't take it anymore and started seeing a therapist. The situation was really becoming a wedge in my marriage.

The therapist said that my step-daughter was in 'survival' mode.
This meant: She was only capable of doing the most critical things to keep it together. Taking preventative action to avoid things like diaper leaks by instead changing diapers regularly, were not part of her every day thought process.
Brushing teeth daily BEFORE they start to rot out of the childrens mouths....no forethought, took too much out of her, wasn't an immediate priority so it never happened. The elder had to have a broken tooth pulled by the time he was 6 and was on medication for an abcess. A total of about 20 cavities between the two. (we paid for the entire bill....that's ANOTHER story...)
Her M.O. was to take no action until she absolutely HAD to act. By then it was too late, the kids were melting down, pants messy, beds wet, carpets fouled, house torn apart, etc.....
It was always hard for me to be around such negative and dare I say a "toxic" environment. She was my husbands daughter and grand kids, we weren't going to turn her away but the visits were always physically and emotionally draining. Cleaning up afterward took alot out or me as well.
I always WANTED to say something to her, ask her to contribute but never knew when to approach her. She was ALWAYS overwhelmed and in a bad mood. She was never approachable!!!
How do you approach a young woman who is clearly overwhelmed and battling depression and ask her to take on more? All I would have been asking is for her to take more responsibility for her children and for herself. But at times is seemed that would have sent over the edge.
The times when I decided enough was enough, my husband would beg me to not say anything because he felt bad for her and didn't want to burden her. (he also wasn't the one cleaning up the house after each visit....)

Over the years I really began to resent the negative energy coming into my home (I have two children now and I didn't like the exposure they received to such anger and turmoil) as well as the feeling of becoming her personal maid and financial fallback. It was affecting my mood, my marriage and my sanity.

The reliance on us grew greater in recent years. to the toon of about $30,000 over a 2 and half year period. (we're NOT rich, this has had a very negative impact on us personally)
Eventually I hit a breaking point when she got incredibly snippy with me one morning and unfortunately I unleashed. I wasn't mean about it, suprisingly I was very calm under the circumstances and matter-of-fact, thorough.
Everything that I had been holding back for the past 6yrs, came out that day.

I say unfortunately because it wasn't entirely her fault and it wasn't fair to burden her with 6yrs of resentment. She didn't know.
All those years, I hadn't ever REALLY said anything. often times I was expecting her to be like me, to be conscientious of her behavior and to offer help. I assumed that because that's what I would do, that pitching in and helping was the OBVIOUS thing to do. Obvious to some, but not to those who are trying to make it day by day.

My mistake is I should have sat down and communicated to her the very FIRST time I felt this way, what I expected of her when she came to stay in my home. Even if this meant a huge crying breakdown (inevitable with her, her response EVERY time you tried to talk to her about something...partially it was her feelings over being overwhelmed but I also suspect a little bit of a defensive stall tactic that she learned to manipulate others emotions....it always got her dad to back off and go soft, EVERY time.)
It was a hard line to navigate because she was coming to stay at her dad's and I was the new woman in his life. I understood that, but in the big picture, that is really irrelavant.
It was my home too, and I was the caretaker. I also worked and was raising two littles of my own. I had my own load to carry on top of what she was bringing into our home.

So what it all comes down to is communication. Your friend probably has no clue that these little things are eating at you. If she does, chances are she is so wrapped up in her own stress (and possible depression) that she can't deal with it right now and she is more than happy to have someone to share the load with. (coming home late etc...)
People have different ideals about what is important to them, and what is appropriate behavior.
You need to sit down and talk with your friend about how her ACTIONS make you FEEL. (Dr. Phil always says YOU teach people how to treat you! What have you taught her so far?)
Offer some sort of a compromise about the house work, babysitting etc... the equal sharing of DUTIES...you are not the only ADULT in the house.
If your friend is aware how much it costs to get poop out of carpets and she doesn't want to shoulder that cost EVERY time it happens, then I assure you, she will be far more proacitve in preventing it from happening in the first place, let alone LEAVING it lying around!

No different than raising kids, people need to understand boundaries and for better or for worse, know the consequences of their actions. Not everyone follows a code of ethic's that mirrors your own.

Assure her that your happy to help her, but that does not translate into a full time babysitter at her convenience.
Ultimately she needs to be accountable for her life. Whether she wants to be or not, that includes figuring out what areas of her life she needs help in , GETTING that help (even if it means professional help), and NOT taking advantage of giving situations.

She is blessed to have a friend that has been so supportive and generous with your time, energy and home. To save your sanity and your friendship, communicate with her.
If she is really a friend in return, she will be glad that you addressed the situation and the two of you can lay down some rules that will help you navigate this living arrangement and prevent future resentment from boiling up between you.

Good luck!

J. G. Reno

PS: If for some reason she responds poorly to your asking her to assume more responsibility, it may mean that she is angry that her 'free' ride is coming to an end.....so again, good luck.

Obviously this is really bothering you. However hard it is, you need to sit down with her and talk things out. I would recommend doing it when you have some alone time with just her (maybe after all of the kids are asleep). It is your house and she needs to respect that. Tell her if she doesn't, that she will wear out her welcome. If she truly is a friend of yours, she will respect you and your rules and your home and everything in it. And she will pull her own weight (take care of kids, messes, cleaning, bills, etc.) no matter what kind of issues she has. If she does not, she is just using you and you should set limits and possibly even kick her out no matter how hard it is on you. That may not be what you want to hear, but deeply think on it. Do you really want to be stressed out and have her walk all over you and disrespect you and your home? Or do you want to stand up for yourself and your home?

That can be a difficult situation. However, your home is your home and you have opened it up to her in her time of need and she should be more respectful. It is not your responsibility to parent her and her kids. Perhaps you should explain to her that because she is such a dear friend you cannot stand by and watch her let herself fall into a rut this way. Whatever her troubles are her priority is caring for her children. At the same time let her know that there are some rules to follow, such as not carrying food all over the house, etc. If she would allow your concerns to ruin a friendship, especially after all that you have done, then perhaps it is not as good a friendship as you thought. Good luck to you.

You have to confront her. She is taking advantage of you. If she is a real friend, this will not end the friendship. Internally, she probably knows what she is doing and does not respect herself or you for letting it go on. Real friends can share the good and the bad news with one another in a loving way. Without the ability to share the difficult things, you are always in a state of hiding your real feelings and will never trust that the relationship is one that will survive. Also, if you really love her, you need to tell her, so she does not exhibit behaviors that others would not tolerate. You are not doing her any favors by being silent.