Trouble in Marriage. Help Please

Updated on January 23, 2011
B.L. asks from Carlstadt, NJ
14 answers

Hi Ladies, I'm in a very difficult situation now and I need some advise. It's a bit long but please bear with me.

We had a good relationship before my son was born. Since my son's arrival, our relationship had taken a sharp dive. My husband is a hands on daddy. He is very involved in taking care of my son, but he was a little to the paranoid/nervous side. If I didn't react as strongly as he did, he said I was not a good mom because a "normal" mom would have reacted as he did.

Then the accident happened. My son fell on the bathroom tile because I didn't handle him well when he was 2 years old. Because of the accident, now he lost his front teeth. I cannot describe how much damage this accident did to my family.

Since then, my husband would turn on me with the tiny little bit of things. He would yell at me, calling me names. There were several times my son fell with bruises under my watch after the accident, my husband would react like the world ended and suggested me to inflict the same injury to myself. Once he had a cancer scare, he said he could not trust our son to me if he died.

For my son's sake, I have been trying to work with him. Trying to see the positive side of the situation although I feel very depressed. I was a positive and very optimistic person, now I feel sad and afraid most of the time. Just in the past week, my husband yelled at me because he thought I put too little fruit in my son's lunch box. Then today, he called me an idiot because I didn't do sth. that he forgot to tell me to do.

Every time I talked to him about this, he would point back to the accident. Saying he was the innocent victim. I have inflicted so much pain on him because of my carelessness. How I didn't know how to make up with him.

I don't know what to do. The thing is, we are immigrants. In the US, we pretty much just have each other. We have a house that's heavily mortgaged. I talked about counseling but he was against the idea. He is an extreme person. I am afraid of what he's capable of if I want to take our son away with a divorce. I so want a complete and happy family for my son, but I'm on the verge of breakdown myself.

Please, please just talk to me.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

Dear moms,

Thank you very much for your kind response. You brought light into my horrible weekend and I feel much better now.

I'm a person who can take a lot. It served me well sometimes, but it definitely worked against me in my marriage. My husband is hot tempered, opinionated and has a fixed expectation of what a wife and mother should be. He still could not accept the fact that I do not enjoy cooking. With my son, he thought this was worse for a mother. Along with me being less cautious than him around my son, he bore a grudge that explode every so often.

We talked about counseling after the accident. He admitted he had a anger control issue, but said would work on it himself. I thought about counseling, but eventually when things turned better, dropped the idea when things went better.

This time, I am determined to seek counseling. If we could not resolve the basis of the issue to reach compromise, at least I will have to learn to protect myself against his outbursts. He said he still felt the same way toward me and didn't feel he was abusive. But I did take in one thing. He said not every one would feel so wounded as I did. I thought, yeah, maybe I can work on that.

I don't want to be fool to take in anything he dished out, and I don't want to be callous and indifferent toward my family either. I will hold the D word for now, for I still want the family for my son. I'm financially independent, but I know his attachment to my son. It would be very, very ugly and I don't want to put my son through that unless my husband shows abusive behavior toward him.

Again, I really appreciate your warm replies. I still feel the weight on my chest (I never thought emotional stress could bring so much physical pain), but I will seek help and be strong. I will learn how to diffuse his anger, how to talk to him, and how to protect myself.

Thank you!

More Answers

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S.B.

answers from Kansas City on

Children have accidents. If you spend your entire life trying to prevent him from having bruises, you'll do nothing else. Your husband has a problem. I'm a little scared for you, because I'm afraid your husband will become violent with you. He's already emotionally abusive, has you second guessing yourself as a mother. I'm sure you didnt punch the kid in the mouth or slam his face into the floor, therefore you should not be forced to shoulder all the blame for this accident. My daughter constantly has bruises on her legs, sometimes arms, as soon as it becomes play outside weather. There is no way to prevent it aside from wrapping her in bubble wrap before I send her outside.

My suggestion is, if you cant get your husband to counseling, try to go yourself.

4 moms found this helpful
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I.G.

answers from Seattle on

Is it possible that you husband suffers from some sort of anxiety disorder or depression?

I was going to write that he is just plainly abusive to you, but it seems odd that you have never noticed abusive behavior with him before. Having a child is stressful and many relationships can take a dive. Mine certainly did.
However how you hubby is treating you is not OK and if he is not willing to get help you should.

One thing to consider if he does not agree to straight up couples counseling is consulting your doctor (to exclude any issues like treatable depression or anxiety) and/or a spiritual adviser (eg. a priest). Many men find that less threatening, especially if you seek advice from another male.

If he all out refuses, get counseling for yourself and your child. Also get legal advice if you consider separating. I usually advise to exhaust every last measure before considering divorce, but I also believe that growing up in an abusive household is detrimental to a young child.

Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful
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M.R.

answers from Columbus on

B.,

If you are afraid, you should call your local women's shelter and ask for help. Your husband's behavior sounds scary and if you really think that he could hurt you or the child, you need to take measures to protect yourself. He has you isloated, and he is abusive and controling, and you need to speak to people who are local and who deal with this kind of situation every day.

God Bless, I hope you can find help and be safe. None of this is your fault.

M.

2 moms found this helpful
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L.Y.

answers from Saginaw on

When my daughter was around 18 months she was running in the living room and fell, I was walking and stepped on her ankle... it was sprained and we had to go to the ER. My husband let me do all the talking and has never once thought that it was anything other than an accident.

Go to counseling yourself, you need somone to talk to and to help you plan the rest of your life. Staying for your child is not a good idea, your child will learn how relationships work from you and your husband. Is this how you want your son to think that women should be treated??

1 mom found this helpful
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K.L.

answers from Des Moines on

Don't blame yourself, whatever you do!! Accidents happen all the time. My daughter is constantly falling around the house and outside...that is what they do, they are kids. They jump right back up! My husband was watching my daughter one day and she started to climb onto her chair at her table...she wanted to stand on it. Before he could get over to her, she fell and cut her lip open. It bled quite a bit and she has a pretty nice scar now, but we all have accidents. It happens to ever parent at one time or another! And I wasn't mad at my hubby either...because I understand that kids are going to fall!

1 mom found this helpful
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S.G.

answers from Dallas on

It sounds like your husband has a VERY unrealistic view of children. Try christian (or whatever religion you identify with) counseling. You might also look into some literature about child rearing. He definitely needs an outsider to show that even with the BEST most CAUTIOUS parents, kids have accidents. My husband actually had an accident in which he lost his 2 front teeth at 3 years old, he had 4 broken noses by 15 years old and Im sure MILLIONS of bruises. Thats what kids DO. That said, the legal system is very scary. And your fears that he would paint you as a bad mom (EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE A VERY GOOD MOM) are legitimate fears. Unfortunately in court , you have about 30 minutes to convince a complete stranger of your side of the story. Thats a scary thought. It sounds like you and your husband love each other, he is just far too overcome by his paranoia. He really needs to see an outside person so you can work through it.

1 mom found this helpful
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J.R.

answers from Miami on

Hi B.,
I am so sorry what you are going through. I agree with Sara B's advice. Please do not blame yourself. Accidents happen. Its how we deal with them that matters. and you are a wonderful momma for how you are dealing with everyday life.

from what I read, it seems your husband, while he loves his child, is very controlling and critical. I agree with Sara, if you can't do counselling together, can you find one for yourself that also understands any cultural issues that play into your relationship.I

In the meantime, when he criticizes you, can you safely ask him to save any comments for when your child is asleep, so you can discuss things together. If not, when he does criticize you, just remind yourself that he was probably criticized as a child and does not know better. It does not excuse him, but maybe it will help you deal with it better.

Again, you are a great momma. Please keep telling yourself that.

Keep us posted on mamapedia and write often. You have a support network here.

Blessings, Jilly

1 mom found this helpful
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D.P.

answers from Pittsburgh on

Holy cow! It could have just as easily happened on his watch...how very unfair of him to react this way.
Kids can fall/get hurt when your holding their hand. You can plan for 99.9%of stuff and they will find the other .01%.

1 mom found this helpful
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J.V.

answers from Lansing on

Is this how you would want your son to treat his wife? By staying that is what you are teaching him. You need to LEAVE..he is abusing you through your son! Please find the strength none of us mom's want to see your story on dateline!!

1 mom found this helpful
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S.H.

answers from San Antonio on

B. I am SO sorry for what you are going through. Every child gets hurt! He his hurting the child more than just bumps and bruises by belittling you in front of the baby. My baby cracked her teeth when she fell. My brother in law's teeth were knocked out by my husband in a see-saw accident. Accidents happen. In fact, my other BIL was hit by a car and spent weeks in a coma, had to re-learn how to walk, talk, eat, think, read, etc. And you know what? He's an engineer now. Everything is OK.

Children also need to learn that there is nothing wrong with getting hurt.

Is there a religious community you belong to that can offer counseling for free? If not, perhaps it is time to seek one out. I don't know what religious community or ethnic community you belong to or I might be able to help ypu find a place to plug in. Perhaps there is a larger immigrant community from your mother land that you can get to know and have an elder speak with him?

He is hurting you and his child with his behavior. You have to find a way to get someone to intervene.

PM me if you need help. I'll do whatever I can to help you find resources.

Good luck.

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Z.F.

answers from New York on

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. He's going to end up making you resent your own son because of how he reacts to things. You can't be in a state of constant anxiety because your son might get hurt. Doesn't he know that children get hurt all the time? Children can be very active and sometimes it just happens even when the parent is watching like a hawk.

If he refuses to acknowledge that he's causing you emotional harm and refuses to go to counseling I suggest you look into possibly move out. I know it's easier said than done but if you at any time feel you are at risk of being harmed by him leave for the sake of yourself and your son. There are many shelters that will take you in regardless of legal status and they can help you get your own apartment.

good luck hun

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N.C.

answers from Washington DC on

I know how you feel - my son's father is similar with me, and tells me he doesn't trust me with our child (my baby's daddy and I are not together anymore)... it really hurt me and I was depressed and blamed myself, too. But then I realized (through having a strong support system at work and in my moms' group) that I am a pretty okay mommy, and that my son's father was being a little ridiculous.

I realized I wasn't always the one to blame when he started blaming me even when he was the one who caused our son to fall down (by accident, on the playground). I didn't blame him for that, but he immediately blamed me for what he did, because I was the mom, and I wasn't watching our son more carefully... everything I did was considered reckless or not good enough, and so I started to criticize myself a lot. But you cannot be a good mom if you are always questioning yourself and telling yourself you are bad. Don't let anyone tell you you are a bad mom, if you are doing your best and caring for your son in a way that he can grow up strong.

That kind of relationship is not healthy for you or your child or your husband. I would recommend counseling, as other moms have said, and try to find a way to be independent. Find support in good friends, and see if any of your local friends can recommend a place to go to seek support and help. You need to be strong for your child, and please don't let anyone tell you what kind of a mom you are: you know in your heart how to help yourself. Please be strong.

p.s. - I did go for counseling, and it is helping me to have better communication with my son's father. It's not perfect, and we aren't together, but it's a lot better because I can stand up for myself, and also let go of what he says. When people criticize, sometimes it comes from their own hurt and shortcomings... best wishes.

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S.D.

answers from Topeka on

I have 3 kids just yesterday my 15 month old fell down our stairs she was so excited playing peek-a-boo with older siblings she lost balanced I was up there with her getting her shoes she fell a way's down but thank god she didn't hurt herself she ended laughing instead.We have had our share of accidents I can give you a list if you really want to know.But we didn't blame each other becasue we understand it happens.As for your husband being so angry over it and holding it against you is there soemthing that he is going through?I have a fear of dying that 1 day I may just die and my kids will be left with their dad as far as a dad goes he is great he plays with them all the time great provider etc. couldn't ask for a better dad but myself I feel that I have to prepare them I over buy on everything so for that 1 day I die they will be set for a while on necessities.My husband calls me names all the time he says i'm stupid i'm an ahole it hurts he is becoming verbally hurtful towards me.I don't understand where it is coming from or how to walk away from it I have been told that I need to get a divorce from him it's not a good marriage but that is a new story as for you what do you think is the bottom line where can you go for help?All you can do is love your family be the best mom you can be...

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