Criticism from Mom

You are a good mom and tell her so! Tell her to stop calling you a "bad mommy". If she cannot control herself then skip a visit or two. She'll get the message - FAST. It's hard enough being a mom; you don't need others undermining you or criticizing you at every visit. Tough love baby! Get used to it!

HTH
T.
Mom to 7 year old boy, 3 year old girl, 19 month old boy

Hi A.,
You can try two things, 1) write a letter to you mom leting her know how you feel when she make comments like that and remind her that you are the Mom now not her. Also if she has any concern speak to you directly. 2) Take her out for lunch or coffee and ask her out right why do you make those comments to my son. Inform her if she can not say something nice don't say any thing. Hope this helps.

Frustrating, annoying, etc!
here are a few off-the-cuff thoughts I had:

1) try being as direct as possible with a request for her to please stop doing it. It's possible that she doesn't realize just how much it is bothering you. Give her clear examples, tell her how it makes you feel, and ask her to please stop it.

2) ask her if her mother or mother-in-law ever did it to her. repeat what she says and ask her if she really means it. (ie: "bad mommy"?? really, mom, you think I'm a bad mommy?") Hopefully she will hear it differently when you say it back to her.

3) try not to fight about it. don't threaten not to come over or let her see the baby - that will only make things worse.

good luck!

I think everyone here has given you great advise and I'd probably say the same thing, but I'll take it one step further by saying ... print your post and the responses and have her READ them. Don't read them to her, she probably won't listen like isn't listening (for long) when you say, 'Mother!'

I have a feeling she'll deny what she has been saying or that it could hurt your feelings because I have a mom is very similar - she gets some sort of benefit from saying these things, as strange as that sounds - and until the benefit is gone, she won't stop.

First, being 'found out' by your post and the sympathetic replies will give her a healthy dose of shame. You are getting the attention, not her!

Second, she might actually take more credibility in what stangers say and it will make her self-conscious (my mother would probably react this way).

Third, I would ignore her comments or spend less time with her. If what she wants is attention, control, to feel she was a better mom, whatever, she can't get that if you aren't around and/or don't react.

She already knows it hurts your feelings, but that might not be the most important issue to her (likely not!). I'm guessing this behavior did not start with the birth of your son. She has probably demonstrated it before to you or other family members as a way of gaining attention, causing a rucus, or whatever her motivation is and it's paying off, so stop giving her what she wants. You know her better than anyone here, so hopefully this give you some food for thought. Obviously, passive agressive behavior is one of my hot-button issues! :)

Hey Alice

First off shame on your mother. I'm a grandmother too and I would never do this to my daughter. I know she's your mom and you love her but you need to set up some boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not. It sounds to me like your child is healthy and active. What more could a grandmother want? I know it will make you uncomfortable speaking up but in the end it will empower you. I will tell you what I tell my daughter - no one and I mean no one knows your child like you do. And no one ever will. Your mom might get a little upset but tough! This is your child and I do not believe you are anything but a good and loving mother.

Most Sincerely
Gramma Mona

Hi A.,
I am sorry you have such a bad mom!!! I'm 56 years old and about to be a grandma for the first time. Your mother is seriously trying to undermine you and your authorty and you can't let her get away with it. I would either let her know ahead of time what your plans are, or the next time she does that get up and leave. Sounds like grandma needs a "time out". You can let her know that she can come and play IF she can behave herself. It's hard enough being a mom without having someone who should be supporting you deliberately dishonoring you and your authority as your son's mom. You may have to do this several times, but if you are serious, and she wants to be a part of her grandsons life, then she has to play by your rules! I wish you well!!
Blessings,
D.

I have been the (sometimes) critical mother of two grown daughters. I am happy they have been strong enough to put me in my place. I was trying to give good advice but was coming across as being critical. I never ever said to my grandchild, any of them, and I have 12, that "Mommy is bad," etc. That is demeaning to one's own grown child and gives the grandchild a distorted view of their own parent but I have been critical and I have offered unwanted advice.
My daughters have told me things like, "You raised us and made mistakes and we survived, just let me make my own mistakes thankyou!',"My child has survived this long and I will make sure he survives longer, don't worry." "This is my child, not yours." "Mom, I love you but I don't want to hear it, if you want to talk to me don't say that or I'm going to leave (or hang up the phone)."

You are an adult now, old enough to have a child of your own and you need to make sure that you are treated like an adult; even if you make mistakes.

Warn her first what you will do the next time if she is negative or critical. Reassure her you love her but you won't put up with any more 'digs' or put downs from her. Be firm. Don't crumble. You will not loose your mothers love or a grandmother for your child. It may take time for her to change, be consistent.

Tell your mother ahead of time what you want and if it doesn't work out because she is making you mad, or feel bad about yourself that you are going to leave. If she is visiting you, tell her that you are tired of visiting and she can come back another time soon, that you "just can't deal with it anymore today". She will be initially offended but will soon get the point, especially if you continue to give her chances to change and don't alienate her from yourself or her grandchild.
You could counter balance this with more calls to her asking for specific advice, - then: whether you agree or not you say something like,"You could have a point". "I never thought about it like that" or " I'll think about what you said"., or ask for a recipee or instructions on a project, so that she still feels she has something to offer you.
I hope this has been helpful.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," but I think mothers have a special ability (and perhaps think they have built-in permission) in this area.

My way of handling the abusive way my mother spoke to me was to withdraw. It's harsh, but perhaps your mother needs a break from seeing her grandchild?

However, sitting down and discussing it with her NOT IN THE PRESENCE OF THE CHILD, is my recommendation. State firmly that identifying you as a "bad mommy" however humorous it may seem to her, is not only hurtful to you but debasing you in front of your son. Suggest that she can sympathize with the child's malady (hurts, missing beloved toys or whatever) without denegrating you. Children get bumps and bruises. And sometimes a toy is lost, destroyed or just forgotten. It's not the end of the world, and IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE A BAD MOMMY.

If she cannot change this behavior, I don't believe she is a good grandmommy - nor a good mommy to you!

One last thought, which I don't really recommend because it's stooping to her level...if she does it again, you could say, "Well I learned from the best, didn't I?" Perhaps a dose of her own medicine will help cure the disease. (Or you could just ask her in that private conversation how she would feel if you DID respond that way.)

Ok I wish i had good advice for you, but reading your post made me grin, only because I am going through the exact same thing with my mom. ALWAYS questioning everything i do, but in a back handed way, like "in my day babies just slept when they were tired and ate when they were hungry" as criticism for my having a schedule with my girls (but it works and she knows this, so why always criticize)? or "in my day we never swaddled...you really loved to stretch out and that is why you are so limber now", or even my favorite...i have ocean music playing while the girls sleep because they are light sleepers and every time my mom hears it, she always says "in my day i was so loud in the house to make sure that you were sound sleepers and you really just slept through anything", and i distinctly remember as a child hearing my mom clang around in the kitchen and being so annoyed that i was woken up again and again.

Anyway, I do think you need to have a discussion with your mom, because although everything my mom does drives me crazy, she does not belittle me in front of my children or undercut my decisions in an obvious way (she does undercut but i don't think my daughter picks up on it yet). It is unfair to do that in front of your children and after awhile, your kids will pick up on it and as a result, stop listening to you when you are around her and not take you as seriously.

I wish I had some good advice for exactly how to tackle the situation without hurting her feellngs, but the truth is that they are your children and it is effecting teh way you feel when you are around your mom with the kids. My daughter used to act up around my mom and never did it around anyone else, I finally had to tell my mom hat " i don't like who I am and who my daughter is when we are around you together", I also told her that she needed to start showing me a little more respect as a parent, especially in front of my daughter and that if she had any critcisms, that I would love to hear her advice, but never in front of the children. Things seemed to be better after that, but I still do get the back-handed comments once in awhile.

Best of luck to you!!!

The best advice I can give you is to take some time out (without your son around) to talk to her about this. She needs to understand that this type of passive aggressive behavior is not healthy for you or your son. I would tell her that it is hurtful and ask her to stop. I know it sounds extreme but, you may have to go as far as not spending time with her until she understands that you won't tolerate that type of behavior. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Good Luck!

Well A., you have quite a few responses to read through. Clearly we are all passionate about your situation. I hesitated to add yet another impression. But, I felt compelled to say this.. You learned how to be a Mommy from your mother. Perhaps, it's time she is made aware of that.

My mother used to say NO all the time to my daughter when she wasn't even six months old (she's now 14 months old). I explained immediately that we didn't want that to become a main part of her beginning vocabulary. It took continuous reinforcement to get her to refrain from using it as often - but things got better.

The next time your mother starts to say things like this to your son, interject physcially (get between the two of them) and verbally immediately- Mommy loves you.. Grandma doesn't mean that... etc.. It will shut her up real quick!

Hi A.,

Boy, your not alone. Listen the best thing I ever did was telling my mother if she continues saying things like that, then I will have no choice but to have less contact with her. I know it's hard but until she recognizes that you will not tolerate her bad behavior she will not change. Tough love A., show her that your in control. I know she'll get the picture. If she gets upset and turns her back on you for awhile. Well, I can assure you that she will want a relationship with your little one and she will probably have a temper tantrom and not talk to you for awhile but like any grandparents. They always come back because they love that little baby. Your mother definitly has some anger issues with you but it's just that. Her issues with you and not your son. Your son will pick up on this behavior and it's not a good thing. Nip it now before it gets out of control. Do it for yourself. Your mother needs to know for every action is a reaction. I'm probably sure that you really need her support as a mother but I have to tell you, it's definitely not that kind of support. She'll change. Just call her on it. I'm only saying this because I had to do it. It worked for me. It wasn't easy. Know it's gonna be a long hall with your mother but looking back, you gain respect and you gain self worth. My mother is no longer that toxic person for my kids. Hope I helped a little.

Hi A.,
Sounds like my Mom. Some people, like my Mom, see the world in a negative light. At 62 I've decided that I just have to be positive and know that I know what I am doing. I tried telling her how it made me feel and her answer was, "You shouldn't feel that way. I'm just trying to help." When my son was growing up I worked as an early childhood specialist and elementary teacher. I just recently retired. In spite of the fact that I had enough education to be hired at the PHD level at most school districts she felt she needed to criticize me. She had no formal training what so ever.
What I ended up doing is moving far enough away so I only had to hear it occasionally. She did however make sure to call me and criticize. The result was a strained relationship between us. Top this day, I do not feel close to her. You might try showing her the responses, that is if she would consider reading them.
D.

I went through a similar time with my mother-in-law. What finally worked, after constantly defending my parenting, was letting her know how her comments made me feel. That when she would say things like: well we never did it that way, or just constantly look over my shoulder, that it hurt my feelings and it made me think she thought I was a bad mom. She appolagized, and tried hard after that, with some reminding. Your mom is just being a crazy overportective mom, just with your son. Remember she has good intentions, even if she is saying things that are mean.

My mom had to have a little "tough love". I married a man from Africa & I heard from several relatives - including my brothers that she was saying he hoped she wouldn't hear the pitter-patter of little brown feet. Nice, huh? She has also made other comments about my husband being a wife-beater because that's what the men from "his part of the world do to their wives" & then blamed the comment on her own father who had just died. At that point we'd been married for 8 years. SO, I screwed up my courage, drank a glass of wine & called her for a heart-to-heart. (she lives in WA) I told her that if I ever heard anymore comments from her about my husband or his culture she would NEVER see any of her grandchildren. I do not want my children to grow up hearing damaging stuff like that & then have to explain why Granma loves her white grandkids more.
We had our first baby 6 years later and she has kept her mouth shut - except about trivial things like she thinks our son's bed-time is too late. When she gets on my nerves I use the same tone of voice as I did when I told her off and she backs down.
Your mom's comments will affect your kid's self-esteem and he may repeat them to the babysitter or Pediatrician and put you in an uncomfortable situation explaining why he said you're a bad mommy. Tell your mom it hurts you feelings and that you will put her in "time-Out" if she can't be helpful and supportive. My boy is 3 now - very active and CONSTANTLY banging into stuff because he's a BOY, in a hurry and VERY busy. THat's what boys do!!! I thought he'd outgrow it once he was an experienced walker & more stable on his feet. WRONG!
Anyway - mom's are a sticky subject - standing up to her will be the best thing you can do for you & your son. It'll be hard - but worth it.
A.

In my experience, this kind of controlling stems from insecurity and not being aware, or not wanting to think about their own problems. You shouldn't take it personally but you should talk with your mom openly about the problem. My mother-in-law does this to me and it drives me crazy. I've come to realize that she is trying to keep everyone from making any mistakes but that is how we learn!

Wow- this is just plain wrong!

What your mom is doing is hurting you AND your son, and you shouldn't have to put up with the disrespect. He does understand, right now.

You have every right and duty to confront her, hopefully outside the context of time with your son. You have the right to demand that such comments and any similar insinuations STOP. And if your mother will not comply with that demand, you have the right to exclude her from family time until she will. I know that sounds harsh, but you must demonstrate to your mother that you are serious, and that you WILL put yourself and your son's needs above her inappropriately-asserted-self-satisfying-narcissistic-need to feel she has a superior status to you.

Hi A.,
You have a difficult situation, as you already know. There is not enough room in this forum to dive completely into how it got to be this way. So, please forgive me if I cover ground you are already aware of, or step on any toes...My best guess is your mom has always been critical of you and finds it easy to pick on you. This has most likely lowered your self-esteem enough where you are unwilling or unable to risk hurting her feelings or to 'do without her' for an extended period of time. But, if you are looking for respect (and at your age you certainly deserve it!), you are going to have to find a way to speak with your mom when your son is busy doing something else (napping, being cared for by dad, whatever), -not- in the moment of criticism. I'd suggest something like: "Mom, I want to thank you for all the efforts you have put out over the years in mothering me. I think you'll agree you've given it your all and have done a pretty good job." Let that sink in for a moment - she'll be curious where you're going on it. Then add, "Wouldn't you agree?". She will either ask you where you're going or agree. Your response should reflect how you sincerely feel. But, it should be clear, warm and polite -- "Mom, I love you and I know you will always be there for me. I'm truly enjoying being a Mom myself and can see why you take it so seriously, it's a great thing! I need your help with something. When you tell (your son's name) I am a 'bad mommy' because I have not performed to your standard, it hurts my feelings. It makes me feel as though you do not believe I'm doing the best -I- can, and I am." Stop there and see what she has to say. Listen carefully and -validate- whatever she says. "I can see you mean well...It can be difficult to watch things like that...It's hard not to say things sometimes..." etc. Ultimately, if you -really- want it to stop, and this conversation doesn't work, you will have to have another one with the same type of one-on-one setting, clear but gentle comments followed by validation of her feelings -- But, this time you may want to let her know you won't be over on the next scheduled visit. You hope she understands, it's just that you're not prepared to have your parenting skills called into question again. By taking responsibility for it (meaning it's -you- that's not emotionally ok with being picked on, not her that's doing it), you are saying 'this is not working for me'. You can add, maybe I'll feel better about it in a couple of weeks. If Mom is mature enough she'll get it. Don't expect her to change overnight. Again, it sounds like this dynamic has been going on for a long time. This issue has only brought it to the forefront. Good luck, A.. It won't be easy. But, believe me, if you ever want to be seen as adult (and a person with real feelings), you will need to draw the line with Mom. You're NOT a little girl any more. :)

I would tell her how her comments make me feel. I would also let her know(as kindly as possible of course)if she continues to make comments like those I will have to choose to have my family stay away from her negativity. Even though she is your mother, it's not healthy to subject your son and yourself to her continous negativity towards you. It will only teach your son to blame you for everything.

When you child is not in the room a heart to heart conversation with your mom, would be my suggestion. Her cruel words are unacceptable. The hurt she is causing you is also felt by your son.

Be direct. She may hear mother and you expect her to infer what you are really saying. Just like you wrote it, you need to tell her.
Also, you need to stop the negative words said to your son about his mother. Negative is negative and should be stopped immediately. would you let her give him poison? well negative statements poison the mind and heart, in my opinion and according to people like Dr. Wayne Dwyer and Dr. Phil, just to name a few.
It sounds like your mom is competing with you. How was she as a mother? sounds like she's feeling guilty. Tell her to let it go or get it out. it's only going to cause a riff between all parties. If she's not able to stop herself and continues the negativitiy, I would suggest counseling with you or you go yourself. This is awful and it's not new. That's also passive aggressive. REad Dr. David Burns, MD; Feeling Good book on this subject.
Hope this all helps.
L.

Hi A.,

What an awful situation, I feel bad for you. It's time for you to have a sit-down with your mom, without the baby around. Tell her this is totally unacceptable behavior and that it's hurting you and will eventually hurt your relationship with your child. However, I doubt your mom is going to respond to anything that isn't drastic, so I have two suggestions for you. The first is to try to get into counseling with her, since it sounds like she's got some serious issues to work through and is using you as a punching bag. The second, if she refuses counseling, is to tell her point blank that visits with her grandchild will end promptly the minute she engages in that kind of destructive critical behavior. Then follow through. She sounds kind of like a toddler, so hopefully as with toddlers it will only takes a few times of carrying out your threat to get the behavior to change. Good luck.

I really feel for you, A.! I imagine that your mom does not INTEND to be harming you or your son, but those are really harmful messages for both of you to hear. Your son's definitely taking in those messages more and more as his language and cognition kick in more and more -- and that's bad for his self-esteem and his relationship with you (and consequently for his relationships later in life!) And at a minimum it's a waste of your emotional energy to be annoyed or hurt by her words so often! (Saying "MOTHER" may stop her at the moment, but it's not changing her habit, thus not helping you or the baby.)

This seems like a case where a single session with a close girlfriend or family member -- or a good local family counsellor/therapist -- could do wonders for you in terms of clarifying what key points do you need to get across to your mom and what is the best way to convey those points so that she can take them in. What are the bullet points and reasons why you object? Narrow them down to a few key points and figure out how to present them to her. Then do it.

You may need to find an article, or arrange for someone else to reinforce the message independently after you say your piece. She may be more receptive to in-person conversation, she may need something more or less direct. The priority is to get the message across clearly.

I also think it's important for you to decide what you'll do if she doesn't take in the message. Will you limit the time you spend together? Will you cut her off completely? Will you... (I don't know all the options)....

I think ideally, you could tell her patiently, clearly, lovingly what behavior/language is okay with you and why -- and also let her know that your child's mental wellbeing and concept of his mother is so important to you that you'll limit time together if she can't change this language/habit of mind.

Good luck!

There are two kinds of comments mentioned here. The second kind (make sure the food is warm enough/not too warm, etc.), is pretty typical first time grandmother stuff. Just smile then do whatever you think is best. However, the first kind ("bad mommy" comments) are an entirely different matter. Your mother's behavior is outrageous and I would not stand for it. How painful to have your mother say these things -- did she treat you this awfully while you were growing up? You must confront her out of hearing of your child and ask her why she is being so disrespectful/hateful/cruel. Tell her it is not ok with you and when she makes a comment like this, pack your kid up and leave her house or ask her to leave yours. If she doesn't stop these comments, I would stop letting your mother have contact with your child. As your son grows he will understand these statements and this will confuse and hurt him. You absolutely cannot let her be alone with him, who knows what she's saying then? Also, if anyone else is in the room when she makes these comments (your father, your husband), they should be speaking up and telling her to cut it out. Good luck.

A.,
Wow, how hard it must be to deal with this situation. It sounds like you have a great amount of patience. I admire you for that. I don't always handle things in the best way. My little saying is "mommy monster". And I must say I would go "mommy monster" if it was my mother. She has to understand that he will start understanding all the little comments. And when he does start talking if he hasn't already then he will start saying and blaming things on you. My in-laws and husband are VERY overcatious. The way I have dealt with that is I tend to say I can only protect him as much as he wants me to. I have a VERY active boy. He tends to have to figure things out for himself a lot of the time. The only way they'll learn to watch out for doors is if they run into them. They'll learn to not jump on the bed if they fall off. The funny thing is that the only time he has fallen off the bed, out of his crib, down the stairs is when he's been on my husbands watch. Let him learn. And it just means that you need to explain to your mom how toxic she could become to you and your son's relationship. Even if you write it down in a letter. She needs to know. On all the comments maybe you need to just come back with a sharp comment like... You sound as if I haven't been doing this for the last 16.5 months. Obviously she isn't getting the hint. Sometimes we just nee to "mommy monster" for the sake of our happiness and mental health. I sound like such a b**** and i'm really not.

Best of luck,
M.

It may hurt, but be honest, tell he how it feels when it is happening, Like "mom, why did you just say I was a bad mommy? Do you think I let him hit his head? Do you know how that makes me feel"-

Good luck-
Mellanie

The "Bad Mommy" comment has got to stop. What is your son going to think if grandma is always calling you a bad mommy? Perhaps you should point out that children are sponges and soak in everything that is said. Children copy what they see and hear and your child may eventually call you a bad mommy because of hearing your mother say that to you.

I'm guessing that your mother is either trying to be funny with the bad mommy comment or she's just an extremely insensitive person. Most new mothers are very concerned about being a bad parent or doing something to harm their child. But even then things happen - your child falls and bumps his head and you feel terrible thinking that you should have prevented it. We've all have the bump or bruise that we wish we could've prevented but it's also important to let you child live and play independently and sometimes bumps happen.

Regarding the incessant reminders from your mom. I still get these from my mom. They used to annoy me but I realize that she needs to give me these reminders and I listen and take heed, if needed, and, if not, let it go. Don't take those reminders personally.

Good-luck. Michele

Wow, I am sorry for what you are going through. I can hear that you have the utmost concern and love for your son. I will also tell you that the more verbal he gets and the more he understands, this kind of talk from his grandmother could be really damaging to him, not to hard for you!

I would sit your mother down when it is just the two of you. Tell her that it is inappropriate for her to call you a "bad mommy" or any other names in front of your son or anyone else. Tell her if she has something to say to you about your parenting, to do it in a private and constructive manner. And, tell her if she tells your son that you are a bad mommy, that you will not allow her to see him anymore. And, most importantly, follow through on this. Probably just one missed visit will do the trick!

Good luck.

Wow, did this strike a cord with a lot of Moms! My Mother (and Dad) behaved in a very similar manner to your Mother 33 years ago. I ended up in counciling because of it. My doctor had me begin by writing a letter to my parents, which detailed their inappropriate actions, my feelings and my rules as well as the consequences if they insisted on playing by "their" rules. This is your "sandbox", Grandma must play by your rules. I was also instructed to use my son as leverage since he was the 1st and only grandchild at that point. Grandparents do not want to be shut out of their grandchildren's lives. It works amazingly well and your entire family will benefit. You cannot allow your Mother to damage the relationship you have with your child. My parents spent 4 months not speaking to me (or seeing their grandson). In the end, when my son was about 5 months old, they came around. There was a little backsliding every now and again, but I only needed to remind them, that I was a responsible parent, with my own parenting style and if they wanted to play in my sandbox, we would play by my rules. Stand your ground and be prepared to exact a consequence (best if it's spelled out in advance)if she continues to try to undermine you.
Good luck to you, L. A

It's time to have a heart to heart talk with your mom. Tell her that you want the criticism in front of your child to stop immediately or..... she will no longer get to spend time with your son. Tell her that you are a good mom and you won't tolerate her put downs, especially in front of your son. Explain that you want her to find the good in her parenting and stop focusing on what she'd do differently. Tell her that although you are family, you want to be treated with the same respect you would give to an acquaintance. Just because she is family, doesn't automatically give her the right to impose her opinions on you. Give her another chance, after the conversation, then if she screws up again, make it a month before she gets to see you and her grandson again. She'll think twice the next time. Good luck!

Dear A.:

You need to tell your mom how the things she is saying are making you feel. I know that is easier said than done but if you don;t speak up now it could continue for the next 20 years! YIKES!!!!

You might consider asking your husband to take your son on a weekend morning and invite your mom out for shopping and lunch. While in a peaceful and relaxed setting you might want to let your mom know that all the criticism intentional or unintentional is really hurting your feelings. You also might want to remind her of how it might have felt for her when she was the mom and maybe her mother said things to her about how she was raising you. It might end her crticisms or at least make her more aware of what she says. Most importantly you should remind her that it will not be long until your son will begin repeating the things that he hears and that you do not for any reason want him to be unknowingly disrespecting you or your mothering skills.

Lastly, I know when outsiders especially family make us doubt ourselves it can be expecially hard to overcome and move on. I can tell from your e-mail that you are a wonderful Mommy and that you love your son very much. Whenever you get any negative feedback remind yourself of that.

Best wishes,

N.

A.-
try to get some alone time with your mum.
go for a coffee, tell her what is bothering you.
also, reassure you that she raised a more competent daughter than she gives herself credit for.
sometimes, mums dont realize what they say...
good luck!

You may have received enough feedback on this issue, but here's my 2 cents worth:

Your mother is completely out of line here. She needs to respect you as the mother of her grandchild, and not belittle you and make you feel inadequate; especially speaking so disrespectfully about you directly to your child! That is unacceptable.

Here's what I would do: I would take her aside, and speak to her directly about this issue and tell her that she is disrespecting you as a mother and has been doing so since the day your son was born (if that's the case). You need to remind her that you are a grown woman and are very capable of raising your son. Toddlers are very active, and accidents happen. That's life.

In a direct, unemotional way, tell her that you will no longer tolerate her belittling attitude towards you. If she continues with this kind of disrespectful behavior, make it clear to her that she will not be invited back into your home to visit her grandson until she changes her attitude. (She probably still sees you as a little girl and hasn't accepted you as an adult woman and mother yet.) Standing up for yourself in this area is very important or it will continue to happen for many years to come. If you take this stance maybe she'll finally see you in a different light and respect you as the good mother you already are.

Good luck, and blessings to you and your family.

Wow, I feel for you! Short answer -- tell mom exactly how you feel. Saying "MOTHER!" is letting her know after the damage has been done. Try sitting down with her over a cup of coffee while your son is napping. Tell her you love her and you appreciate that she's had experience raising children but this is your family. Stress that you are concerned when your son gets a bump or is missing his favorite "lovey" but that it is your job, not hers, to resolve the issue. If she still doesn't get it, next step would be to point out the damage she's doing by instilling in her grandson's head that his mommy is falling short. NOT GOOD! If that still doesn't get the message across, draw the line. She can't visit unless she abides by your rules. Harsh, but she's had her chance and this is your time with your son to create your own family. Good luck!

Hi A.

Your mom knowing your annoyed is not enough. If you really want her to stop you will have to be blunt, but nice! Communicate! Just "Mother" is not even close to telling her the exact issue. Saying something to your baby might work if you absoultly can not say it directly to her. Next time she talks to you by directing to the baby turn about is fair play, *in a babytalk vioce say something like: "Yes sweety, I was a bad mommy just like your grandmother must have been everytime I got a lil bump, do you think grandma knows she hurts me when she says things like that to you my sweet baby? Because she always does it and maybe you should tell your grandma I love you more than life and she needs to stop telling you I am a bad mommy!" Then if your mom is sitting with mouth ajar, simply smile and say I would like you to stop, its hurtful. This may help. Good luck!

C.

A., I would simply stop visiting for a few weeks. If she asks why, make an excuse the first week, maybe even the second. Then when she asks again why no visits, say, "Johnny acts out when we get home after a visit to your place. I think he gets the idea that I have no authority, that I'm a bad mommy, and he acts out. I needed a break, and he's been as good as gold." It worked a like charm with my mom. She never undermines my authority, and she hasn't said a bad thing about my parenting in front of my daughter ever since. At the very least, the stoppage of visits and the comment will start the conversation. How your mom reacts, of course, is up to her, but you have every right to avoid such a negative situation.

I haven't read the other responses to this but my attitude toward this situation is point blank - tell your mother that she won't be allowed to visit any longer if she doesn't stop criticizing you in front of your son. Your son will pick up the undermining she's doing and it will only make you having to deal with him difficult. He's your son...period. If you don't won't that kind of influence around him then it's your responsibility to do something about it. She might be joking but your son won't know that and if he thinks others don't respect you, then why should he.

Honestly you need to sit down with your mother at a neutral time. Not when you are upset with her. You need to explain how it makes you feel when she says these things. Give her a few examlpes but try to sound like you are attaking her she might get defensive then. Try to make her understand that saying "Bad Mommy" is not what you want your son to learn.
I feel what she is saying will make you son have negative view about his mother. You are not a bad mommy because you'r son has a bump on his head. I have a son to. He gets a scrape on his knee, elbow, forhead at least once a day it seems like. Hello they are boys. My son has scraped knees all summer long. He likes to run and run fast. He falls alot. This is not my fault, and it is not your fault either.
She needs to use a better choice of words "bad mommy" is not acceptable and you need to let her know that.

What a frustrating thing..... What is needed is some good communication on your part. Try not to be blaming so she gets defensive right away but maybe start withyour feelings first about being a new mom and then when she sayd those things you feel hurt and frustrated- whatever you feel. ANd make a request- Please refrain from speaking negatively about me in front of my child it is disrespectful and feels bad. GOOD LUCK!!

Hi Alice, My name is Kim and you’re the first that I’ve responded to since joining ‘Manasourse’. Your request hit a nerve in me. Your mother has no right to tell your child how bad of a mom you are on top of that feeding any negativity to him.
Instead of ‘Mother’ when she gets the point…she gets it at that time but what about the next day or so on. She has no respect for you as a parent, at the end your son is going to never respect you, there’s going to be problems between you both. Unless you put your foot down, your mother needs to respect you as a parent, person and daughter. It’s time to let your mother know that you are truly fed-up, and if it continues you need to back off from her for a while so she’ll know you’re serious.

Alice think about the future how this can really put a strain in you & your child relationship. Although he’s a little one, you don’t want him not minding you or calling you a bad mom later down the road. Good Luck - Kim

Hi A.,

Your situation sounds familiar to the one I once had with my mother. Before you start to build up resentment (or if you already have, before it starts to grow) towards your mother for disrespecting you in front of your child, you need to address the problem with more than a sigh and "MOTHER!" When you are calm, tell your mother that you would appreciate she keep the phrase "What a bad mommy" to herself. And throw out the question that if she really thinks you're a bad mother, she should wonder who you learned your mothering skills from. If something is really bothering her about the way you are raising your child, then she should tell YOU, not your son.

Also, since you visit on a regular basis, let her know that if she cannot comply with your request to respect you, you may not be visiting so often. It may seem cruel, but perhaps your mother needs to stop seeing you as a child and as a woman and mother who is in charge.

Good luck to you. As I said, your situtation sounds familiar because I went through something like it with my own mother. She still gets on her soapbox every once in a while to tell me what she thinks I should be doing as a mother, but she doesn't direct it to my daughter. And I have become more open to listening to her advice, but only taking in what I feel will work for me.

I might say something like this: (custom adjusted to the person and situation of course!)

Ya know Ma, I can see how much you care and worry...I want you to know how much I appreciate this caring side of you. Sometimes the care gets miscommunicated...and it puts a lot of distance between us that I really wish wasn't there.

I feel really ___________ [fill in the blank](sad, put down,unappreciated,patronized,belittled) when you say things like "Did she forget your favorite toy? What a bad mommy" and so forth.

I wish you would let yourself trust me a little more even though you are feeling nervous sometimes over this precious boy. We all love him so much and are watching out for him in safe ways that may differ a bit... but he will be happier with a family that grows closer in handling our differences with loving respect instead of one that bickers about these sorts of details.

I am a good mom,you are just a wonderful grandma, and there really are times I really need your great help.(Might offer some specifics here of stregnths she can share that really do help.)

Maybe save me your suggestions about those of those little things...for when I ask...promise I will actually ask when I need help...and that you really are important to me. I am also open to your requests or suggestions...but I need your support by telling me in another way. All new mothers gain awareness over time..I like to learn ________[ways you like her to offer parenting advice that is not intrusive if at all](by reading a book,being told how you did it as a young mother, etc.]

I know you want the best for us all, and so do I...I feel like if I don't have the courage to share this with you now it might leave us with a more distant superficial relationship than I wish we could have.

Sooo am I allowed to make a joke with you if you forget...or give you the face when you do this so we can make this a little more fun? If that doesn't work I suggest an arm wrestle to see who is the better mommy...just kidding...stronger boundries and continued clear communication of feelings.

My mother was always critical of me when I was growing up so she is quite cautious not to do in regards to my 17 month old son. My suggestion and this worked with my mother regarding a different matter is to let her know calmly that if she continues to do this you will suspend the visits. My mother lives out of town and if we have a bad visit, I just tell her I don't want her visiting for a while and we take a break and when she does return she has always changed her behavior. Most times that is the only thing parents will understand, especially those who are overly critical or controlling, which I see these days as one in the same. I know this may seem harsh, but do you really want your son to hear this when he's old enough to really understand what she's saying, not to mention the insecurity it must be building in you as a mother.

Dear A.:

As a Mother to two and Grandmother to four beautiful grandchldren, I have learned my boundaries when it comes to telling my daughter and son-in-law what I can say and what I can not say on how they raise their children (operative word being "their"!). I have my grandchildren almost every weekend and do not undermine their parents. Unfortunately, your Mother has not learned that she needs to watch what she says to her grandson (and kids are smart and they pick up things fast!) not to mention that your relationship is strained. I think you should keep reinforcing to your Mother that she needs to stop this behavior and "repeat" as necessary. It might be best to have a long discussion with her with the child not in the room. If a good heart to heart does not work, perhaps limiting contact until she gets the message is the best thing.

I hope this helps.

M. J (Nana)

I am so sorry! I know how hard that can hurt. I don't know how you are with confronting (It can be hard), but there are times where it is imperative. You need to nip this in the bud before yoour baby begins to really understand what she is saying, and it hurts him! His MOMMY is being put down and verbally abused! We don't like to say that, but it is true. You should talk to her and say something like..."I feel hurt and belittled when you say to my son what a "bad mommy" he has..." If you need to take your husband to help defend your position (especially if he is willing and has been aorund for some of the interactions...) You could also put up boundaries "If you can 't learn how to say things appropriately, then we may have to limit our contact with you." Don't allow yourself to be put down...stand up for yourself, you, your husband and your baby deserve no less. I pray that you would feel peace and guidance as you face this situation.
A.

I think you should have a one on one talk with her and tell her directly how you feel in a non-threatening tone of voice. It sounds like both of you aren't really addressing the situation b/c your mom is not telling you directly how she feels and by you just saying "MOTHER" doesn't really tell her that it really bothers you it just tells her you are annoyed and she may just brush it off and not take it seriously. I'm sure both of you don't want to hurt each other's feelings but if you don't tell her specific examples of what is bothering you and telling it directly to her, it will keep building inside of you til one day you may explode at her and she'll get more hurt. Good luck with your situation, I'm sure you are a great and capable mom!

You need to have a heart to heart with your mother. If that doesn’t work… move further away! Seriously. It will return your sanity to you.

If the revelation that what she is doing is hurting your feelings doesn't get her to stop you can remind her that she raised you, and if she feels you don't have the proper skills to be a mother, remind her that you learned how to be a mother from HER. So in effect, every time she calls you a bad mommy, she’s in fact calling herself a bad mommy as well.

Put that in her pipe and tell her to smoke it.

My mother also drives me up the wall and sometimes telling her that what she is doing is hurtful and rude doesn't make a difference. She'll wave it off by saying, "I was only talking..."

It just raises my hackles. I'll respond through gritted teeth... "yes mother, but it's what you are SAYING that I have a problem with. You're free to talk all you want... just MODERATE YOUR MOUTH!"

No effect.

She's a brick and I'm only going to break myself on her if I keep trying to get through.

That's why I live over three hours away. We get a visit every other month or so for about a week and that's it.

If I had to deal with her once a week and I'd consider matricide. Hello evening news!

If your mother is a brick like mine is, my suggestion is to move somewhere you can still visit but it's far enough away to be a hassle once a week. ;) We must be tricksy wabbits to get some sanity from our family.

Sounds a bit passive agressive. She likey does it because she knows that it bothers you. She thinks she is making a point.

People are right. You need to talk to your mother on neutral time.

If that doesn't work...you may try showing her, for a single day, just what it is like. "Oh, is grandma acting like a silly ole bat...that's ok honey, her age is getting to her" or whatever suits you at the moment. The intent is not a long term tit for tat. But after the event, perhaps you can sit down again and have another discussion about it.

Your mother may never change. Ask yourself if this has always been a part of her behavior, or if it has just happened since you became a mother...Perhaps she used to do it to your father when you were young...perhaps it was done to her. Regardless, understand she may not change.

You may want to point out to her that it is hurtful to your child. It sets up distrust. It also tells the child that they may not be loved. Or that they themselves are 'bad' if mommy is 'bad'. You mother may think she is being funny or making a point without realizing that she is setting up a big problem.

I wish you the best. It is hurtful and neither you nor your child should have to deal with it. I hope you can talk it out and come to a solution that works for everyone.

You need to nip this behavior in the bud. It is abusive to you and to you child. I would tell her plainly "Do not criticize me in front of my child. If you have a concern, then tell me privately. If you can not do this, then we will stop visiting."

When she get defensive you could mention what a bad Grandma she is for even saying the things she does, but that would be stooping to her level. Instead, tell her evenly and calmly, "I love you, but I don't think you realize how disparaging you are to me. I need you to support me, not put me down."

If she persists, than unfortunately, she proves she IS a bad Grandma.

Definitely sit her down, or if you have no time to sit her down before she does it again, ask her if HER mother did the same thing to her. If yes, then perhaps ask her to remember how it made her feel. If no, then let her know how it makes you feel, and definitely voice your concerns about the child's future issues in blaming mom all of the time.

Then there's always role reversal, which isn't exactly proper, but it might make her know how you feel, and she should soon learn to stop. "Did Grandma just affront mommy in front of you? Bad Grandma!"

As for her little instructions and reminders on how to handle your child that she sees once every other week and you deal with daily, that's a grandmother for you! She feels the need to have a hand in raising her grand daughter, and thinks she's helping you... of course you know not to drop the baby, and to check that his food is not too hot! Perhaps she's just trying to help you learn from the mistakes she felt she made when raising you!

Hi A.. I definitely feel for you. Dealing with family can be difficult, but you need to do something. Your son understands so much at this age, and you don't want him associating you with a "bad mommy."
Bring up the topic with your mom by saying "when you say these things, it makes me feel..... and I don't want my son hearing language like that" or something to that effect. Start the conversation at a neutral time, maybe have your husband there to support you, if you feel that is appropriate. Give specific examples, tell her how it makes you feel, and give indication of what the consequences will be if the behavior continues (leaving her house right away, not letting her visit, again - whatever you feel is appropriate). If it happens again, be sure to point it out immediately.
Your mother may say, "I was just joking," "you're too sensitive," etc, but you need to let her know what a serious topic this is. You are doing everything you can to raise your son well, and him being exposed to this behavior can lead to a loss of respect for you, not listening when you give him instruction, or the idea that put-downs and negative comments are acceptable. Make sure the consequences are something you can and will follow through with (like raising a kid, right?), and stick to your guns. Chances are, your mom doesn't realize how much she is hurting you, but she is also affecting your son in negative ways, and she needs to understand that her comments will not be tolerated. Hope this helps. Good luck!

Hi A.,

I can relate. Sometimes it's hard to stand up for yourself and rather than cause a confrontation you may be tempted to say things like "MOTHER" to end the conversation. Well, now you have a little one and you need to have a talk with your mother for his sake. He'll learn from his surrounding and you don't want your mom calling you a bad mom infront of him. It will cause him confusion since he loves you both and trusts you both. He loves you and when he starts to sense that your mom is causing you pain, he may get upset at your mom. Sit down with your mother and have a talk. I'm sure the conversation with go "ok" (maybe take some time to sink in) if you both keep in mind that both of you love your son and want what's best for him.

Good luck! I hope it turns out well for you,
A.

Hi there, I am going to be straight with you...you are going to have to tell her to stop it! No more "Mother". Sit down and tell her these type of comments are unacceptable and if she does it again, leave. Serious, if she makes a comment like that to a child, over time the child will start to be "brainwashed" and think everytime he gets hurt that it is your fault. If she says it, say "Ok Johnny its time to go, say goodbye to Grandma" If your Mom sees that her actions are affecting her visit time with her Grandson, I bet she quits. As far as the "make sure he food is not hot", or he doesnt hit his head etc., you are probably stuck with that. As a Mom she will always feel the need to "give advice" but the other is unacceptable it is abusive to you and will take a toll on your son.

Sometimes people have no clue how they sound.

Set up a video to catch your son's special moments (trust me, I wish I had more of various years of my girls' lives).

The video will also catch her. Choose some special ones to play back with her, she will enjoy seeing him play and then, she will see herself. I once tape recorded a child who did the Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama - yes, she cried, but she stopped it immediately.

A. I feel for you and have been in the same situation. Your first and foremost concern should be to your son and the kind of messages he is receiving when he hears these things, no matter who they come from. The last time my father tried to do this to me, I got really upset and his explanation for why he was doing it was that he felt that was part of his "job" as a parent and a grandparent. I told him that I didn't mind it every now and then, but not all the time and reminded him that I was the parent now and needed to learn how to be a parent and make my own mistakes. When my mother-in-law said bad things about me to our children, my husband and I had to stop her from seeing the children all together until she could be trusted to be around them again with supervised visits. Maybe the next time you visit your mother you should do it without your son and have a heart to heart talk to mom about her comments. There comes a time when you have to realize that you are the parent and you have to remind them of that. I feel for you and your situation. Be it family or not, you have to protect your son. We unfortunately have had to get a restraining order against my mother-in-law and it was a hard thing to do, but what kind of parents would we be if we didn't protect our children, even if it is from family? Good luck!

I would tell her that if she can't say something nice, and if she is going to be spiteful and undermine you as a mother that you and you son will be spending less time with her. If she thinks you are kidding. The minute she says something nasty, I would tell your son you have to leave, and then leave. If your mom truly wants to see your son she will learn to behave. My dad used words I didn't like around my son when he was little, and I told him as much as I loved him (my Dad) that I could not allow him to color my son's life with his prejudices. If he talked that way around my son we would not visit as often. He cleaned up his act and I was lucky I didn't have to follow through on my threat, but I would have. Treat your Mom as if she is the child she is acting like and give her a clear message about the consequences to her actions and then follow through.
I am a 56 year old Mom with a 27 year old son, and was a single parent for 9 years. J.

You must be honest with your mother. TELL her that she is telling your son that you are a bad mother. She is hurting you and your son. If she continues to say things like that tell her she cannot see your son until she stops. She may think she is helping you but what she is doing is hurting both of you.

I am a 74 year old great grandmother. I have raised four daughters. My daughters are raising 17 grandchildren. If they need my help they ask me. Otherwise I just enjoy the precious gifts they gave me.

I know the feeling of being insulted. I think you should call your mom aside, and tell her to address you directly. Nobody's perfect, so she shouldn't talk to your son like that. When your son gets to an age of understanding, the last thing you need is to have your baby repeat her words. She must have problems in her mind, only a mother is responsible for how a child is raised. I don't agree with what she is doing to your son. Use reverse psycology on her, maybe you should say something to your son about her. Maybe she will stop. I know its not something good to do, but it will show her that it bothers you alot. Don't let her words get to you, I hope things change for you. Make a statement that she's crazy or something to see if that changes. She knows your not a bad mom, she has issues. Good luck.

How inappropriate! Your mom obviously has something unspoken that she needs to discuss with you directly. I would approach her and ask her about it directly (i.e. "You have been making a lot of comments regarding my parenting and I'm wondering if you have concerns you'd like to discuss with me." And then, "Please don't call me a "bad mommy" in front of my son anymore"). Let her know it's entirely inappropriate for her to be calling you a "bad mommy" in front of your toddler (and she shouldn't be saying that even when your son isn't around!). Motherhood is difficult enough - you don't need criticism from your own mother!

On a related note, this may be a good time to tell your mom how much you appreciate all that she did for you when you were little (if you can be genuine about it). I did this with my mom and it really brought us closer together.

Best of luck to you!
N.

How about that good old "when you... I feel... because..." line. "Mom, when you call me a 'bad mommy' it makes me feel both miserable and furious, because it makes it seem like you think I don't know what I'm doing" and then follow that with "and I'm not going to take it any more." The next time she says the "bad mommy" line (or anything with the same meaning) say to your son, "Well it's time for us to go" and LEAVE. It can just be the next room if you want, or it can be leaving the house (even if it's your house - take a walk). If your mom says you're being too sensitive, tell her she needs to be more sensitive and find a new joke.

This calls for tough love. Tell you mother that you are going to have to restrict her visits until she can either learn to express her frustration for the normal bumps and bruises in the life of a child to you or she learns how to keep her opinions to herself. Either way, it is completely inappropriate for her to be speaking about you to your child in this way. You can also put her on notice that when she makes those unsolicited comments, it's time for Grannie to leave. She's the one who has to learn some self-control here. She'll get the point and straighten up.

My suggestion to you is to tell her exactly how her comments are making you feel. Calling you a "bad mommy" are completely uncalled for. Kids are moving around and playing at 16 months. It will happen again and you shouldn't feel bad. If you let your feelings build up, they will turn to resentment then anger. She needs to understand that YOU are the mother of your child and completely capable or raising your baby. As a new mom you're probablt open to advice but when tagged with the negative comments that's a huge turn-off and uncalled for. You may not have all the answers or do everything perfectly, but if you're like most new moms, you are continually learning. My kids are 12 and 15 and I'm still learning! Perhaps your mom had some feelings of inadequecy when rasing you and this is her way of making sure you don't make the mistakes she made? Parenting is not perfectioin, that's for sure... we learn a lot as we go and it's all out of pure love for our child/children.

Boy, there are a lot of responses, you've got many empathetic ears out there. My mom is also one to give critical advice. I wish I had dealt with it sooner. The longer it goes on the more difficult it is to address. You shouldn't need to explain yourself in this situation.
Tell her that the way she expresses her opinions to your son is disrespectful and will not be tolerated from this point on. I would curtail her visits if she cant resist insulting you in this underhanded manner. Unfortunatly it seems many mothers make their daughters feel as if they fall short in their parenting. No matter how well you do things, she will have an opinion or think she knows better even if it apparent she does not. I have a dear single friend who shares an apartment with her mother and is raising a son. Her mother is the same way. The blessing is that our young children love us mommies unconditionally. My friend's son, now that he is seven seems to get what goes on. He listens to and respects his mother while ignoring his grandmother (which as you can guess, drives her crazy). Our children figure out us and those around them fairly early on. With my own mom its always something. I just stopped sharing my parenting experiences with her, and frankly talk to her less often. After ten years of criticism, my eyes would start to glaze over when she would start in. She finally sensed that I wasn't really listening anymore. I didn't mean to be rude but I had to tune her out for my own sanity. That's why you have to be upfront and direct now. It will damage your relationship less to tell her now to keep her comments and advice to herself when she is with you and your child. I know my mom was just trying to help, but irregardless of their motives, its demoralizing and unnecessary for them to pick and pick at our parenting methods. I will say to my moms credit she now understands why I parent the way I do with my children. Good luck with your mom and remember even though she has been hurtful she does love you.

my advice to you would be to be more direct. Instead of saying "mother" you need to say what you are really feeling. Its the only way she will be forced to acknowledge and respond to the issue. good luck.

My mother use to do the same type of things to me, so I started sending her cards and Thanking her for the wonderful example she was to me in how she raised me and my siblings, and when accidents would happen,as they do with kids, I would call her and tell her what happened and how I handled it and again thanked her or would mention when something similiar happened to my siblings or myself and that is was a positive influenence on how I was able to stay calm and handle the situation.I would ask her every so often for her advice and how I got to decide the advice I would use or how I would use it and I would let her know when I did and how I did and again thank her. I did at one point have to let her know, when it was just her and I that it truly hurt me to hear her say those things.

Hi A.:

Even though it may be difficult, it sounds like you are going to have to confront your mother. As your son gets older, he may start mimicking your mother each time he gets mad at you.

C.

I would reccomend that you have a private conversation with her, where there is no one else around so that you have her full, undivided attention. At that point let her know how it makes you feel, rather then telling her what SHE is doing wrong, tell her how it makes YOU feel when she does that. You may even want to tell her that you are the mother to your child and that yes you will make mistakes but they are yours to make. I am sure that she made a few mistakes when you were a child. Kids fall and hurt themselves, thats a given. But if you do not stop this now, then before you know it, your child will start using this same process of blameing you. Good Luck. Its always hard but you can do it. Have a plan and stick to it.....

I agree, it is totally uncalled for, but the funny thing is, I can somewhat relate. My mother is probably like most and tells me things that I already know..it really does irritate me, and I ignore most of it :), but when I get fed up, I just tell her off, lol. I know, its bad, but I am so blunt sometimes. I hope things get better. I would just talk to her and let her know how you feel, and make sure she doesn't brainwash your child by calling you a "bad mommy!" I am sure she means no harm when saying that, but your son may start repeating it and it wouldn't be good. Tell her to set a good example :). Good luck!

I'm so sorry your mom is acting this way. This could cause a problem down the line as your son gets older. He may start questioning you and/or your mom. She is completely out of line saying these things. You are totally correct in your feelings about this. Your mom needs to stop this now before it causes a major problem with your son. THe best way to stop it is to tell her to her face as lovingly as possible that the things she says are hurtful and they need to stop now. Let her know that you will not allow her to "talk" to your son in this way. Especially do not allow her to call you a bad mommy in front of him. Tell her that if she has a problem with the way you are parenting she needs to talk with you in private. Calling you a bad mommy in front of him will make him think it's ok to do the same. Once that starts its very hard to stop it! If your mom continues, I feel (my feelings only) that you may need to stop your visits until she gets the message. You might try asking her why she feels this way. Try an open discusion with her about her feelings too, she may be feeling inadiquate (spelling?) about her own mothering skills. Who knows? Good luck to you both!

I think you need to tell her how it makes you feel. Do you think that would make a difference? You know her. Or do you think she'll just think you're being overly sensitive or something? My parents say stuff like that to me all the time. My Dad is constantly worried about one thing or another. but it's not because he thinks I'm incompetent. It's because he's like Adrien Monk (if you've ever seen that show) and can't help it! If you think telling her how you feel won't help, just try to ignore it. I guess if she's talking to your son you can't just ignore it...I think you really have to tell her. She shouldn't be saying "what a bad Mommy" to your son! That's awful. Actually, over time, you can talk to your son about it too. What's probably going to happen is your son will pick up on the annoyance and he won't appreciate it either. My son doesn't like it when my parents second guess me.
If she won't listen to you and doesn't respect your feelings in that way, she's risking her relationship with her grandchildren, too. Does that make sense?

Anyway, that was really just a bunch of rambling. I hope some of it made sense...

i'm sorry you have to deal with this. being a first time mom is hard enough!

tell your mother how you feel and that her behavior is not acceptable. tell her how much you want her to be part of your lives, but that you just can't expose your son and yourself to such negativity. remember, being a good mommy is teaching your son to deal with the bumps in the road of life, and your job is not to protect him from every little disappointment.

make it clear that the words "bad mommy" are totally forbidden and that she can't see her grandson if she uses them ever again. do this soon - it's easier to change behavior early on!

I have been through this exact same thing. I ended up telling her that if she cannot BEHAVE then she cannot be around her grandchildren. I don't trust her! Well, apparently she can't behave because it has been over two years since she has seen them. Our children are like a sponge and the last thing I want is my own mother "Grandma" to put things in my child's head. She got upset because he didn't run up to her when she came to visit and said he was a "BRAT". So I decided I have to treat my mother like a 5 year old now. I am sorry you have to go through that. Stand STRONG your mama needs to grow up and quit acting a child.

M.
raising money for my disabled son to get a van with a wheelchair lift.
www.SHOPwithHGP.com

Have you sat down with her one on one and voiced your concerns? Use the "I" words: I feel bad when you say this or that. That's the first step. Give alternatives such as I love you but if this continues I will have to stop coming over for the baby's sake. It's not a good environment to bring your child into. Hopefully she'll get the point. If she doesn't maybe you need some time away from her for her to realize how much it is effecting not only you but your child as well.

Oh, that's just wrong. She knows it annoys you but I would make sure she understands how much it's hurting you. Tell her that not only is she programming your son to think you're a "bad mommy" but she's making you feel incompetent when obviously you're just the mother of a little boy. It may be difficult and your mother may have hurt feelings for a few days but I think the pay-off is well worth it.

I have two little boys and I'm constantly amazed that our pediatrician doesn't think I beat them--as I type this my oldest has the remains of "road rash" on his forehead from where he fell on asphalt during school recess. Boys are by nature busy and you could put them in a perfectly child-proofed room and they'd still find a way to hurt themselves--they're very resourceful. :)

But please talk with your mom--she's not helping anybody with her commments even if she thinks she's being funny.

Good luck--M.

Sit and talk to your mom at a time when your son is not around so that she can't do this during your talks. Explain how it feels and ask her why she is doing it. You DO NOT need to be called a "bad mommy." I'm thinking that she felt like a bad mom and does not want you to do better at mommying than she did. I may be wrong, but it is my best guess. Either way, talk about it.

If she continues after the discussion, tell her she can't see the child as long as she continues saying things like that. BE FIRM! I know this may sound harsh, but you DO NOT need your son thinking that you are a bad mother. You would be hurting yourself and your son more in the long run if you continue to be around this sort of criticism.

I have had the same experience with my mother in law. Luckily she lives in another state...ha ha ha, however when she was saying all of the rotten things to my then 15 month old daughter (to me through her) we were living with them for a month. I think the best way to address the situation is to set aside some time when you can really talk to her and explain that some of her comments are really hurting your feelings and making you feel like a bad mother (not that you are a bad mother just that she is being insensitive (and this is her problem not yours!!)) Maybe you can say that you appreciate that she want the best for your son and the best for you as a mother. She probably doesn't even know that she is trying to communicate something to you by speaking to your son. Look up "passsive-aggressive behavior" and you will notice what is really happening. When you say "Mother!!" it doesn't really let her know where you are coming from. Maybe you could get someone to watch your son while you speak to her so you can have some quality time without toddler interuptions. Good luck and I hope everything gets better. Let me know if my suggestions work out. I didn't get to use my own advice when we were going through the rough stuff, I wish I had!!

Hi A.,
Just read your note and wanted to comment. Of course I don't know your mother or you for that matter, but I think it could be a few things going on here. For one, it may be your mother's feelings of insecurity of being the best mother she could have been. She wants to point out to you, any imperfections in your mothering ability. Jealousy of your relationship with your baby
and not sure how to fit into the new picture, like sibblings do.
Maybe she has always been critical of you and this just makes you more aware of it. Some comments like,"Make sure he soesn't hit his head" don't bother me and I think those are the kind of comments you need to just let go. But the "Bad Mommy" thing has got to be addressed. You need to talk calmly but honestly and let her know that you know and that you think she knows that you are not a bad mommy and tht you love your son even more than her and care about his safety. Tell her you don't want to ever hear "bad Mommy" again. Your son will love her, but she will miss out if she keeps making you uncomfortable. This is not a compitition!!! S. Tue. Feb 12th. 2008

Sounds like she is trying to compete with you. I know its hard, but really - you should take it as a compliment. She probably has some sort of guilt complex about the job she did as a mother and when she sees you doing well, her reflex is to take you down a notch.
That being said, it sounds like you've got lots of great advice for how to address the issue. And although she loves you very much and is probably not intentionally trying to hurt you, the behavior needs to stop.
I always tell my kids, "teach people the way you need to be treated." Its up to you - that's your job. Very few people can read minds, so the best way to deal with it is decide what you are willing to do. Those comments are toxic and if it were me I would limit or stop contact until she agreed to curb her behavior.
Chat with her and see what she says. She probably doesn't even know she's doing it. If she continues after that, take it up a notch and give her an ultimatum.
Good luck - that's a really hard place to be in.

Tell her exactly how you feel when you are calm!!

My niece was my "Bad Mommy" culprit. I just came right out and said. "Never tell my child that I'm a Bad Mommy again. I don't tell her you're a horrible cousin." My niece never said it again. I'm sure it was something she heard her mother and siblings say to and about each other, but even if they're not serious; it's still sending an unpleasant message to your child. My niece would say I was a bad mommy for anything like your mom says to you like bumping their heads. Who can stop every little bumb from happening and who doesn't forget a toy now and then? I think you're going to have to come right out and tell her to pick some different words because eventually your son is going to repeat that overused phrase.

A. ~ Just have a one on one talk with your mother. Hopefully, she doesn't realize what she's doing. Let her know exactly how it makes you feel when she says things like that. Put the shoe on the other foot. Ask her how would she feel if it was done to her>

If it helps, my mom has been a royal pain too..It's been going on for the better part of 2 years..I have gotten really good at just tuning her out..I know it's hard but it's seriously the only way i can deal with her sometimes.I have found if i react to her criticism it makes things worse..I recently just told her "mom, i realize you mean well, but your comments just make me feel worse than i already do." she apologized and it's been better since we had that conversation..She reassures me i'm a good mom..a big step in the right direction..good luck..

This is absolutely awful! You need to set some serious boundaries with your mom. If she has an issue with you, she needs to speak directly to you about it, away from your son. Your son needs to see that you two are on the same team and want the best for him. Otherwise, when he gets old enough to really understand what's going on, he'll play you two against each other, which, ultimately, hurts everyone.
My mom has made similar comments and she now knows that if she can't keep those comments to herself or between only her and me, I won't bring my children to see her or invite her over.
Your mom needs to know that tearing you down in front of your son, in ANY way, is not acceptable.

Dear A.,

No disrespect intended towards your mother, but she has got to have some idea that what she is doing to you is passive aggressive behavior and hurtful to your son. I would speak to her directly. Tell her you love her and realize she wants to share her knowledge with you on child raising, but that you need her to speak to you directly, not through your son. Also, that you may disagree with her on some points.
I seems to me you are doing a fine job of raising your child. Having raised a son, who is now 21, and having b/g twins, now 7, I realize that no matter how hard we try, each child gives us new challenges and we are never going to be "perfect" parents. Every child hurts themselves now and then and we regret we couldn't predict it was going to happen, but kids don't come with instruction manuals. We learn by our mistakes as we go. This is normal. You need to be allowed to have these experiences. Preferably you would have your mother's support, but if after you tell her what you need from her, and she still continues to do it, I would consider distancing time spent with her when your child is involved.
I think you are doing a fine job and shouldn't have to accept her unsolicited advice. Best wishes and good luck!

M., 44 y/o mom of 3

It sounds like you know what you need to say. I know how difficult this can feel. I suggest breathing, doing a lot of journaling on how you are feeling about it and why and how far these feelings go back into your childhood relationship with your mother. After that and you have reached relative peace with yourself on what needs to be said, you are clear enough to stick to the issue in a conversation. Call her up and tell her you need to talk about something that is really bothering you, you want her and your child to have a good relationship but you are uncomfortable with her remarks, even if she claims they are "innocent". Its better to deal with the problems while they are relatively small, because it will only increase as your child ages and there is a lot at stake. Take Courage, Take Heart and speak up for the health of your loved ones and family. Its likely she's projecting her own feelings of inadequacy but that has to be hers, you can still love her and have compassion for her, just set some healthy boundaries for yourself. If you do decide to "let it slide" check in with yourself that that is really ok, don't just do so out of fear of conflict.

I have been a parent for 40 years. Every day I think I have heard something new and it turns out to something old. Have you thought of taking mom out to lunch with just the two of you? If possible do some probing at lunch and ask what sort of parent she thought she was when you where your sons age.Also try to find out what sort of impact her own mom had on giving your mom advise on raising you.Maybe some of the issues your mom ladels on you came from her past. If her mom treated her the way she treats you ask her how that made her feel as a mom. Possibly you might just come up with a solution to your problem.

tell her that she is hurting your feelings and that if she doesn't stop you won't be able to be around her anymore. what she is doing is damaging your son also. say to her if you say anything you are going to say WHAT A BAD GRANDMA AND WE WON'T SEE YOU ANY MORE. she thinks that you don't have the guts to say it to her.

i would deffinitely have a conversation about it. i would say something like " i know you mean well but i feel like you are constantly judging my parenting and it hurts my feelings when you tell my son that i am a bad mother. do you think maybe you could try not to do that?" ecause she probably thinks it is not a big deal and i feel you, it is. my mother in law tends to do the same kind of thing and i try to let her know when she has pushed the wrong button so she will stop doing it. although it is easier because usually my husband will catch it first and say " that wasnt the way you meant to say that was it mom?"

My mother has a fabulous way of saying something mean, belittling, or abusive, and then say, "If you can't take criticism, then you're too sensitive." This is after I gently try to tell her what she says is hurtful. Fortunately, there are 2000 miles between us. I had really wanted to move back closer to home, mainly to give my son the benefit of having a nearby grandparent. After almost 15 months of parenthood, I now realize some distance is good for us. When my mom doesn't listen and continues to berate me, I tell her flatly she is welcome to raise my son, if she has the energy. While totally rude and I hate doing it, it's about the only thing that keeps her mum. My main line of defense is to not call or email.

Since our situations are different and you see your mom more often, I would tell her privately that she is flat out harming your relationship with your son. You learned most of your parenting skills from your parents, so I would also point that out. I would also tell her that your son is beautiful, active, healthy, and well adjusted. "I think I'm doing a GREAT JOB. If you cannot be supportive of my parenting decisions, then please keep it to yourself. If you cannot keep it to yourself, then perhaps we should discuss our visitation schedule."

In general, I think parents are just ruffled when we choose to do things differently. They think you're silently criticizing how they raised you. "I didn't like that, so I'll do this instead." While that may be true in some respects, it doesn't mean you don't think they did a good job overall. Otherwise, you wouldn't be concerned about this! So, even though I think you should "stick it to her", also try to see if this is her perspective.

Our son has fallen down the stairs twice. When my husband and I told our prospective parents, this is one time I was surprised that they said, "Oh, you did that too. You were okay. How's Owen?" Maybe a bit of "I did the same thing, ma" would help too.

A. -

My advice would be not to show that it annoys you. Rather, kid back with "Too bad his Grandma let him hit his head". It is very difficult for those of us who grew up being more than respectful to our Moms to do this but it works. I tolerated my Mom's comments for years until a friend helped me with this. At first I thought I was "talking back" and she would be angry. Not so. I just wish I had started earlier. These remarks are harmful to all of you.

M.

Bless your heart. Youre NOT a bad mother; you would never do anything to hurt your child.

Some mothers just don't seem to realize that their children have actually grown up; my kids are grown (21 & 24), and my mother is STILL making comments to me like "put that check in your wallet so you don't loose it" or "don't forget to get milk at the store." She's really telling me about her needs; not mine.

She's telling you about herself, and her needs, not about you and your parenting skills. Try to remind yourself her comments aren't really about you; they are about her needs. I don't know your mother, or anything about your relationship with her...but perhaps you can say something to your son like "Sweetie, you know that's not true. You're a good son and I'm a good mommy. I would never want to hurt you, and neither would grandma."

I'd talk to your mom before she comes -- tell her that those comments are misleading to your son, and hurtful to you, and she needs to stop saying them. If she can't say anything nice, she shouldn't say anything at all.

You might also want to talk with a family counselor to get some ideas for dealing with your mom. But your mother's behaviour is NOT justifiable. Remember, when people say unkind things, it's ok to call them on it. "What did you just say?" If they repeat it, you can say something like "Hmmm. That's not how we talk in our family." I wouldn't attack her (I'd say "that's not true" instead of "you're not telling the truth"....you get the idea.) Don't worry about hurting your mom's feelings. But do talk to her outside of the situation.

Good luck.

C. H

Ok... that's when I'd say something like... "sorry baby... mommy learned all her bad mommy skills from her mommy!"

Or... I'd take my mother aside and say if you'd like to continue seeing your grandchild you will not criticise me in front of him... Because when does she plan to stop this? When he's 3? 4? 5? Children pick up on this. It's not ok to show disrespect towards a parent in front of his/her child... it makes the child think he can do it to...

So... grammy is teaching VERY POOR MANNERS... "Did grandma teach you how to be rude? She's such a bad Grandma..."

Good Luck!

There is nothing more wonderful than being a grandmother, but that first had to start with being a good mother. Your mother must be sat down and talked to by you. In my opinion you must let her know that her words hurt and that they influence the child. Let her know you will not allow her to continue to do that as she would not allow you to get negative or critical of her. If you have a problem telling your mother write her a loving letter that empties your heart out fully on the matter. If she does not comply after a few more visits and on those visits you remind her of the letter each time she does it, than threaten to reduce your visits for the sake of the mother-son relationship you are building.

Remember to pray about it before you speak or write the letter and make sure peace is in your heart.

I am a 55 year old grandmother of one grandson who is 11 years old and austic and a mother of four of the most wonderful grown children who are all college graduates.

B. s

Wow. Hang in there. Just remember you are doing a GREAT job and that no mother is perfect and honestly, kids bump their head at that age and a lot at that. My mother in law used to criticize me with my first child (now I have three) and I would always respond to her comments with "Wow, that's great ____ advice or idea or whatever and then say, "I've got it covered--thanks". But since it's your mom, you might think about two things 1) do you want to confront her and let he know she is hurting your feelings and remind her that you learned from the best (her) and couldn't she advise you in a more positive manner...that you, like your kids respond better when it's phrased nicer...and repeat what she is saying back to her and ask her if she'd like it if you said that to her...I'll bet the answer would be resoundingly NO.
2) Ask her honestly, what is "Really" bothering her that she needs to criticize you...is there something she regrets with you that she feels she could've done better? Her criticism of you is coming from her regret somewhere. What you'll find when your child is older that you begin to relive all of your issues again when they come up against them. Whether that be bullies or feeling stupid or doing poorly on something or being on a losing team or when a kid won't sit next to them at lunch...it all comes back.

More importantly, try not to take her comments personally or try to limit her exposure to your child. Just too busy to let her come over when she's so negative. Good Luck.

A., If I were in this situation I would honestly just tell her, "Mother, if you continue to berate me in front of my son then we will not have visits with you until it does stop." Explain to her that not only does it make you feel upset, it is also sending a horrible message to your son. Your son is going to start believing what she is saying and thinking you are a truly horrible mother who does not care about him or love him. When I read your message I just couldn't believe it. It's horrible enough if she just said those bad things about you to you alone; but in front of your son or directly to him....that's totally uncalled for and evil in my book! I'm not sure if you have to visit with her or what your situation is; but I would definately stand my ground and give her an ultimatum. Good Luck. :0)

Maybe it's time for a more in depth talk with your mother, saying more than just MOTHER to her in the moment you are annoyed (and it sounds like you are hurt by what she says sometimes too). If you are able, find a time when your son is not with you AND it isn't immediately following one of her comments so the timing/situation is more neutral and let her know how her comments make you feel and that you would like her to stop. If she doesn't stop then you've likely got some other decisions to make about how you would like to include her in time spent with you and your son. Don't be afraid, she may not even know truly how she is making you feel.

I can understand how you feel. I say you should talk to your mom about your feelings. She really shouldnt' be calling you a bad mommy period but especially not in front of your son. He's gonna pick up on that pretty soon. Just tell her that even tho she may be joking about her bad mommy comment it's hurtful, you don't like it & want her to stop saying it all together & expecially not in front of your son. Hope this helps & good luck!

Boy, have I been there and done that! But my outside influence was my mother-in-law. Her comments were IDENTICAL, and like you said...directed at my son but meant for me. I was very sensitive to it at first and we had a couple of blow ups, but my husband was wonderful and told his mother that if she was so intent on raising a child again she might want to go and get herself pregnant, otherwise...butt out!
Of course, over time I realized that if I hadn't already had so many insecurities about being a first-time Mom the comments wouldn't have bothered me at all. She was definitely hitting me where it hurt and I was buying into it all. By my second child, she had gotten the hint, I had grown in my confidence and now we are the best of friends. Just don't bottle up how it's making you feel. But try to keep your cool when you discuss it or she'll turn it around that you're a hormonal new mommy.
I really think the key is to trust yourself and your own abilities as a Mom and then her words will bounce off. In fact, you'll see how insecure and petty she is and you'll find the humor in how ridiculous it is that she thinks she can make such rude comments!

Hi A.,
I read the responses from the others and agree with them. I
think you need to take your mom aside and tell her very bluntly, I can not and will not have you belittle me, especially infront of my child. If she can't get the message from that then I think its time for a break, until your mother can behave herself. I know some things are easier said than done, and its not always easy to confront others but in the long run you will be much happier if you nip this one now rather than later. The best advice I can offer you is: Remember your the mom, you and your husband are the law, when it comes to that child. No one has the right to interfare with that, especially un-solicited rude comments or advice from ANYONE. Now if I could only follow my own advice. Good luck
M.

You sound like a very good Mom. All those things happen to all kids. That is just about growing up. Your son is still young but over time he will begin to think that you are a bad Mom if he keeps hearing your Mom say those things. So you need to sit down and have a long talk with your Mom about what she is trying to gain with comments like that.

For a quick come back and response next time she makes those comments, you can shoot back and say " If I am and bad Mom, I got it from you Mom! My Mother skills come from you........
Maybe then she will shut up!

Good Luck!

LoriT

OMG A.! I can't believe your mom would say things like that to your son, even jokingly. Sit her down ASAP and tell her how wrong this is and what a terrible thing she is doing to your son. If you would like, I'll do it for you!:) My step-dad would say things like that to my oldest brother. He also let his older kids say bad things about my mom to him. My brother is now 42 and has MAJOR mommy issues. Their relationship is very strained and I fully blame my step-dad! What ever your mom's problem is, don't allow her to do this to you. Just think of the confusing message she is sending to him. If my mother did things like that I wouldn't let her around my daughter. My mother and I have had the "talk" about differences in childrearing and I bluntly told her that she raised her children the way she wanted to, now let me raise mine the way I see fit. She respects that, but I still have to remind her once in a while. My mother-in-law doesn't respect our wishes so she doesn't get to babysit. I'm sure you are a WONDERFUL mother, don't let her put ant doubt in your mind! If you need to rant, email me.
Sincerely,
L.